Fate: Unequally Blade Works
by OverMaster
Summary: Spinoff of Unequally Rational and Emotional. Ten years ago, the corrupted Holy Grail destroyed Fuyuki City, only to manifest itself at Mahora Academy's campus a decade later. Now, Emiya Shirou, survivor of the Fuyuki fires, is drawn into a battle between the strongest and weirdest warriors of history past, present and future. Can he count with help from boy mage Negi Springfield?
1. Emiya Shirou

Akamatsu Ken and Kodansha created and own _Mahou Sensei Negima!_

Nasu Kinoko and Type-Moon created and own _Fate/Stay Night_.

We make no money from the creation of this fanfiction piece.

* * *

 **Fate: Unequally Blade Works.**

 **Chapter One: Emiya Shirou.**

* * *

 **By OverMaster and Shadow Crystal M** **age** _ **.**_

* * *

 _ **Last** **time, in Unequally Rational and Emotional:** _

"Are you my Master?" the gorgeous young-looking blonde in the long blue dress with armor plate on the chest and gauntlets repeated, with a voice that was cold and devoid of feeling.

"Gah...!" Emiya Shirou had blurted out.

"That's a 'Yes', then," the woman had nodded. "Negatives are usually conveyed as 'Geh'..."

Then the wall behind had her exploded into a million splinters, and something had broken in, slamming into the girl like a train at full speed. However, somehow, the young female had managed to block it with an armored gauntlet, then swiftly swing the invisible blade she had been carrying up, slashing through a section of her attacker's decaying ribcage, although missing its center. The figure, which sure enough, had been the self-proclaimed Judge who'd been chasing Shirou, backed away with a nasty, vicious cackle, a gun in each hand.

 ** _"Yesssssss!"_** he had hissed. **_"It'd been too long ssssssince another hurt me. I've missssssed the pain, the sssssssharp caresssssssss of a bladed edge for ssssssssssso long..."_**

"Foul creature of darkness," the woman growled, keeping her sword (or at least that was what Shirou thought it was supposed to be; for all it knew it was an invisible giant sex toy to wallop people with, or rather it might have been that way had Shirou known what a sex toy was) ready and easily falling into a protective stand before Shirou. "I can detect your cruel killing intent even easier than I'd see the light of the sun in the middle of the Summer. And it's not even the dutiful urge to slay an enemy in war, is it?"

He had trained his guns on her, although she hadn't even flinched. **_"That'sssssss right. I'd kill every woman, child, elder and unborn in thisssss world if I had the chance. All are the ssssssame, for there are no innocentssssss. Life isssss a crime, the sssssentence isssssss death!"_**

And he had opened fire.

* * *

Since that fateful (get it?) first evening, when the woman who had introduced herself as Saber had valiantly fought the Judge for the sake of Shirou's life and chased him off, afterwards staying (get it?!) with him night after night _(get it?!)_ in a perfectly chaste and heartwarming cohabitation. The problem things, those several things had been nowhere enough things as to please Saber, and we don't mean because the cohabitation was perfectly chaste.

Raised a warrior, and brought back to the world to fight in something she had called a Great Holy Grail War (something Shirou remembered his old man mentioning a few times in passing, usually along with the sentences 'I'll explain it all when you're older' and 'Right now, it hurts too much to talk about it' and 'WIFEY! WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME AND DIE!'), Saber had been rather eager to take part in a major battle to the death between herself and six other such warriors, but instead, what had followed had been a gray and dull series of repetitive days where nobody would show up howling for her head or Shirou's, and she'd have nothing to do but staying at home watching TV and eating, eating, eating, and Dear God in Heaven, eating some more.

And it wasn't like Shirou didn't appreciate Saber's love for his meals, or for that matter that he, after all, apparently didn't have to get himself involved into a major struggle where dozens if not hundreds of innocents might die in incidents that the local mages would no doubt sweep under the rug as 'gas leaks' or 'CGI' or some such nonsense. But he could tell the quiet uneventfulness of it all was starting to drive Saber slow but surely bonkers, to the point he wouldn't be shocked if she started scouting the streets by night calling out for the Judge.

That was why she'd been so thrilled that evening, just a couple days ago, when she finally sensed someone else approaching the Emiya residence, and she ran out to meet that person, again swinging the invisible sword (once again, Shirou wasn't fully sure it was a sword yet, but he hoped so. She sure wielded it as such) towards the mysterious figure stalking the front yard in the darkness.

Said figure stood defiantly, firm on its feet but also slightly leaning forward like a sleek nocturnal predator, smirking while its icy blue eyes glinted within the confines of a purple mask. In a hand he held a dark purple gun with a fairly thick barrel, slightly upraised. "I am the terror that flaps in the night! I am the Extra that comes with the Strange and Fake Apocrypha of the Grand Order! I am... YIIIIIIIIII!" it yelled as Saber's first swing hit it squarely and sent if flying across the yard, crashing against a thorny bush.

"Gahh!" Shirou cried. "My prized roses! Those were hand grown! Saber, what are you doing?!"

She briefly looked back at him. "Isn't it obvious, Shirou? This is an enemy Servant, who at last comes to attack us. I told you to prepare yourself for this moment!"

"Saber!" Shirou pointed at the small figure painfully pulling itself out of the rose bush, cringing as it did so. "What are you saying, for Heaven's sake?! That's no Servant, that's a child in a costume!"

"... what?" Saber blinked.

Shirou nodded, pulling out the flashlight he'd grabbed right before rushing out, and turning it on the small costumed creature, who tried to hide behind its purple cape. "See, that's just a child in a duck costume! Although why the duck would be dressed as The Shadow on top of that is beyond me, but cosplayers are weird. Are you okay, kid? Are you lost? The activity hall is all way across the campus, but if you want, we can take you to your party..."

"What the...?" the child in a duck costume gasped. Then he stomped a webbed foot down. "I'm not a child! I'm a—"

"—- teacher? Oh, please don't tell me you're Negi-sensei!" a frustrated Shirou interrupted, rubbing the bridge of his nose up and down. "I've never understood British humor, is this the English Club's idea of a prank?"

"I'm the terror that— You know what, forget it!" the duck waved his hands up. "I'm Servant Vigilante!"

"See!" a vindicated Saber smiled at Shirou.

Shirou blinked, getting a better, closer look at him. "... but you're a duck."

 _In the lower right corner of the screen, a similar duck in a cheap suit and tie briefly appeared smoking a cigar and shaking his head. "Is this what I'm reduced to while waiting for Guardians of the Galaxy 2? Fer Chriss' sake!"_

 _Do you want us to mention your **other** movie?_

 _"Pointless fanfic cameos it is!"_

"Shirou, stand back," Saber commanded. "Even if he is a duck, that doesn't mean he is to be understimated. Even a rabbit can be the deadliest of creatures."

"But what if he's an endangered species?" argued Shirou. "He would have to be, wouldn't he? You don't hear about talking ducks every other day, we might get in legal trouble if we kill him! Besides, heroes of justice don't just kill endangered species! That just isn't done, Saber!"

It was the duck's turn to blink. "Heroes of justice?"

Saber ignored him, instead looking further down into the darkness. "You," she coldly said, "step out before you experience the strike of my blade. I'm willing to place a bet you are no endangered species."

There was a sigh as a frustrated young woman stepped out of the shadows, holding her hands up and wearing a long coat over her short skirt and red sweater. "You'd lose that bet," she said, "since actually I'm one of only two remaining _Homo Tohsakaus Awesomeus_ in the world." She smiled somewhat sadly, somewhat apologetically, at Shirou. "Good evening, Emiya-kun. How are you, and why did you trade places with me when I wasn't looking?"

"Tohsaka!" Shirou gasped.

"Do you know this woman, Shirou?" Saber frowned, keeping her invisible sword aimed at her. Vigilante sulked, visibly upset his teenaged Master was apparently seen as more of a threat than himself.

"I mean," Tohsaka Rin continued ranting, making a visible effort to hold herself together, "it was I who should have summoned this magnificent looking Saber, while you, who are nothing but the adopted son with no talent of a Magus Killer, should have summoned the failure gag Class funny animal, don't you agree...?"

"Magnificent?" Saber said, one eyebrow raised. "Keep talking."

"HEY! NO!" Shirou and Vigilante indignantly cried at once.

Rin gave the Saber a pleading look. "Would you make a contract with me and be my Servant, please?"

"Do you know how to cook?" Saber sternly asked.

"Of course! My sister is also a master chef."

"Please do tell me more. I am willing to listen..."

"Hey, now, don't start involving Sakura in this!" Shirou and Vigilante again cried at once. They stared at each other then.

"So..." Emiya asked, "Hero of Justice?"

"Hero For Great Justice," the duck confirmed with a nod, and they shook hands politely.

"See, it works fine from the boys' side as well!" Rin smiled pleasantly, bringing her hands together. "Well then, glad to see I won't have to cut your arm off or anything, Emiya-kun. Hope you're very happy doing Justice things together before we have to cut your Vigilante down..."

"Har-har, nice try, Tohsaka, but no, sorry," Shirou said, frowning and placing a hand around Saber's shoulders as the blonde blinked. He may have been clueless as hell, but not enough as to fall for that kind of trade.

Vigilante threw his hands up in frustration. "What do I have to do to start getting some respect? Dress up in power armor with a lot of spikes while sentencing people to death and shooting at them with bazookas?!"

* * *

Sakura had wanted to come along, and Rin had been afraid to leave her all alone at home now that enemy Servants had actually started appearing at last. So naturally, she had left her waiting outside in the open with one of said enemy Servants, from the most deadly of the Classes to boot, with only a Servant of dubious quality to defend her.

In Rin's defense, not only did she not have much else to work with, and Servants were unlikely to attack anyone in the open in broad daylight, but she had a good feeling about Saber. Like she was a person worth her trust. It definitely wasn't because she thought she was hot or anything! Tohsakas were monogamous, after all! She was screwing her sister ad only her sister, so there!

The three of them sat on a bench by the road outside of the Mahora Magdalene Church, waiting idly for Shirou and Rin to be done inside.

"So, Tohsaka-san," Saber finally said, to break the ice, "your sister has told me you're a proficient cook?"

"Mm-hmmm, I suppose," Sakura nodded. "Not as good as Emiya-sempai, of course..."

"I see," Saber noted with a nod, quietly pulling a small notebook out and scratching the 'Join Tohsaka?' question off her list of things to ponder through the War. "And you," she addressed her fellow Servant, "shouldn't be in your spiritual form now? What if pedestrians happened to see you like this?"

"Why aren't _you_ in your Spirit form?" Vigilante asked back.

"I asked first," Saber noted, "but if you must know, I can't access that form. Keep in mind I tell you this only because I know there's no way you could exploit that, but at least I bother wearing a disguise." Then she lightly touched the tip of her baseball cap, which she wore along the rest of her sports ensemble of blue zipped up jacket, tight black shorts, and golden ponytail. "What is your excuse?"

"... that isn't much of a disguise," Vigilante disagreed, "but why I should be disguising myself? Everyone knows I'm a child in a duck costume!"

At that point, two junior high girls passed by before them.

"Wow, look at that! Isn't that Negi-sensei in a duck costume?"

"Yeah, I think it is! I heard his club was doing some kind of weird haunted house stuff for the festival! You know how strange 3-A is!"

"Still, it's kinda cute. Doesn't it remind you of Boo-sensei?"

The two giggled as they moved away. As soon as they were gone, Vigilante slumped forward miserably, hiding his face and beak between his hands. After a moment of doubt, Saber carefully and slowly reached over to softly pat his back with comforting sympathy.

"Actually, I wouldn't be so blue if I were you, Vigilante-san," Sakura tried to cheer him up. "Didn't you know? Around this campus, 'Negi-sensei' is another term for saying 'sexy'!"

"What kind of troubling times do you live in?" Saber gave her an uncharacteristic, really weirded out look.

Sakura sighed, looking aside longingly. "Oh, just wait until you meet Negi-sensei yourself...!"

Saber gave Vigilante a more subtle, concerned stare, and the duck simply shrugged his shoulders.

Then they silently squeezed hands, fellow prisoners in a world not their own gone insane.

"Just to be clear, this doesn't mean I'll hold back should it come time to kill you," Saber said.

"Same here. It's not like we like each other or anything, its merely because we're the only sane people left in this crazy town!"

They both nodded.

"How do you have fingers there, anyway?"

"How does your hair stick up through your hat?"

"Touche."

* * *

"Kirei!" Tohsaka said, fearlessly walking into the oddly, kind of eerily silent church. "It's me! I've brought another Master!"

Shirou approached her from behind and whispered close to her ear, "Tohsaka, I've never visited this church before. The priest, what kind of person is he? Should I, uh, have any special precautions around him?"

"Hm?" she raised an eyebrow. "Nah, I don't think you've got anything to worry about. He may be a bit creepy, but I don't think he's _that_ kind of priest, and aren't you a bit too old anyway?"

"I, I don't mean that!" he hissed in frustration, although in truth he wasn't that sure what she'd just meant. He seemed to remember his father once expressing a deep distaste towards that priest, however.

"The priest with the afro, that one you have to watch your ass with," Rin continued. She shrugged. "It's hard to explain, really. I've known Kirei for around ten years, and I still don't have a firm grasp on his character either."

"Ten years?" he blinked. "You mean, like in—"

At that moment, a tall man in a black priest vestments seemed to appear out of nowhere at the end of the chapel, quiet and solemn, his arms folded behind his back. He was nowhere as old as Shirou had been expecting him to be, and as a matter of fact still seemed rather young and strong, with a head full of black hair and wide, straight shoulders more fitting a trained fighter or a construction worker. Despite that, he was not overly muscular, and the eyes on his angular, chiseled face were old and lifeless, slightly greenish like those of a dozing snake.

"Welcome, Rin," this man said with a deep, rich voice, a certainly interesting and commanding one. "I was wondering about your absence. What have you brought me now?"

"Who, not what, Kirei," she said, rather coldly, before making the introductions. "This is Emiya Shirou, and he's just summoned a Servant, but had no idea he should come here. So I've been nicer to you than you've ever been to me, and just made your job a little easier. Emiya-kun, this is Kotomine Kirei, the Church's overseer for the Holy Grail War."

"Emiya?" the man said, looking into Shirou's uncertain eyes. "Now that's a name I hadn't heard of in years. What an intriguing twist of fate."

"You knew my father," Shirou said, faintly but not questioningly, just a statement of a just dawning fact. So Kiritsugu was not talking of mere rumors? Did he and this man have some sort of past relationship?

"Indeed. He was a pupil of mine before he turned to evil," Kirei said. "Before the Dark Side. Before the terrorism."

Shiro blinked. "Really?"

"No, but I always wanted to say that," Kirei said.

Shirou facefaulted.

"Everybody who knows about the world of magic knows about Kiritsugu Emiya, boy," the man impassively said, beckoning for them to come closer. As they did, he gestured with his hands to the effect. "Show me the Command Seals. That is the first thing I must evaluate."

Shirou nodded absently, still studying Kirei's lifeless expression, lifting his hand and showing off its back, and the elaborate designs on it. The priest's face featured no surprise. "I see. The Master of Saber, then? That should be the last Servant to appear. The stage should be set now..."

"Now, wait a second, please," Shirou requested. "Before this goes any further, let me tell you I've no interest in the 'game' Tohsaka described to me. If I came here, it was mostly so I can learn if there's a way out."

"There are many ways to exit a Grail War," Kotomine confirmed stoically. "Why, Wars are designed for contestants to leave as soon as possible. However, I'm sure you wouldn't appreciate most of the likely exits for a Master or a Servant..."

"As you see," Rin noted, "Father Kirei is an excellent man of cloth, but missed his true vocation at stand-up comedy."

Kirei made what could charitably be called a smile, but although it seemed to show no particular malice, it was just as devoid of any warmth or true humor. It looked more like an automatic rictus than anything else. "What have Rin and your Servant shared with you?"

"I know," the boy said, "this is supposed to be an all-out conflict to the death, but I have a hard time seeing the Headmaster, head of the Kanto Association, to let it happen here. Surely you, a man of God, should agree we shouldn't let it come to pass..."

"God sends death just as He sends life, and mankind is ultimately powerless to stop either," Kirei gravelly lectured. "That includes men of Konoe Konoemon's stature. If the Holy Grail chose manifesting itself here after the destruction of Fuyuki, there is nothing any of us can do about it. It will awaken among us sooner than later, one way or another. All we can do is seeing who will get to summon it forth."

"There's always another way," Shirou insisted.

"How can you be so sure of that, when you don't even know what's the nature of the Grail?" Rin asked him, with a hand on her hip.

"Rin is correct, certainty born from ignorance is nothing but a bane upon those who suffer it," Kirei nodded. "The Grail is a force invoked by magi which is far greater than any of us, and none of us can cancel what they created. The Masters and Servants can only fight to dictate their own terms for its revival."

"All the same," Shirou said, "is that really worth it to let other people die for it? Do you think that's actually fair at all?"

"Of course not," Kirei quickly said, "but what I, a mere mortal, think of the fairness of existence is of no importance in this. Listen, Emiya Shirou. The role of a Master is not one that can be shuffled aside because you have no need or desire for it. Although it's unlikely the responsibility would have come upon you had you had no actual desire for it, whether you are aware of that or not."

"What are you trying to say?" Shirou blinked.

Kirei kept his steady, calm lecture on. "Forfeiting in the Grail War pretty much equals forfeiting your life. I won't deny there are ways to abandon the duties imposed upon you, but be warned most of them are likely to have you killed, and others destroyed as well. This is a do-or-die game, and your fellow contestants, extremely rare and foolish exceptions aside, will not give you any second chances. I believe you will only run into a single exception in this particular War."

Rin grumbled. "And this is what I get from playing fair to you, I see."

"Playing fair in a Grail War would seem to be a generally bad idea," Kirei softly reminded her, "although your assistance and adherence to the Church's rules on the subject is duly noted. Keep in mind, however, you're a Magus, and this is one of the areas our respective fields see in quite divergent ways."

Shirou sighed. "Okay, So you're telling me the only thing I can do is keeping on fighting until I get my hands on this Grail thing, right?"

"Indeed," Kotomine said. "That will be your test, and not only for your fighting spirit, but of your ruthlessness. The Grail is able to grant any wish its Master can ask from it. We could say whoever controls it can effectively control and shape the world. In the hands of a fiend, it would destroy us all. In the hands of a saint... who could say what good could it do?"

Of course, that was an elegant way to avoid outright saying the answer would actually be no good wish could be achieved from the Grail anymore, but reaching that conclusion would have been too much for Rin, much less Shirou.

Emiya gulped, his throat now very dry. "I don't think I could bear the weight of that kind of responsibility on my shoulders."

"Then, if you enter the War with that kind of doubt in your heart, you have already lost," Kirei grimly cautioned. Truth be told, his tone was no different at all from before, but the words and the atmosphere made it sound very bleak for Shirou. "Why not to embrace your courage, instead of being chained by your fear?" the priest asked, opening his arms. "A man your age should be thrilled at a chance to fulfill his wildest dreams. What kind of young heart doesn't dream of being a great hero of justice?"

Shirou flinched, and now Kirei did smile in a way that felt more vivid, but also visibly more disturbing, even if only for a quick moment.

Rin frowned. "Kirei," she said. "You're supposed to be neutral. I don't think you should be manipulating Masters by goading them."

Kirei's arms returned to their original position. "It is my first sworn duty to help those in need, and there are those who only can find salvation through helping others. The legendary heroes who qualify to become Servants were that sort of person, and it is just logical someone who would summon them, without a prior drive to do so, would have the same sort of determination."

For all Rin detested Kotomine, she could not deny his uncanny ability to describe people shortly after getting to meet them. She had no adequate way to rebuke his point.

"Only one Hero can hold the reins of destiny," Kirei ranted, "and so all those who cannot meet the challenges demanded from the greatest Hero must perish so—"

"Hold on, don't start putting weird ideas in his mind now," Rin interrupted. "All Servants but one must die through the War, yes, but there's no rule saying all Masters must die as well. Technically, once a Servant is defeated, their Master will pose no threat anymore, so going after them past that point is only a waste of efforts." She smiled at Shirou. "As long as you're skilled enough, you don't have to kill a single human being through this War, Emiya-kun."

He frowned at her. "So you say! Look, I've lived with Saber for weeks now, and she's as human as any of us where it matters! Even if your Servant doesn't look human at all, he still acts like one as well! I can't believe you're so cold, Issei was right!"

"Well, Rin is Rin after all," Kirei commented, as Rin fumed at such lame wordplay on the meaning of her name. It wouldn't even make any sense in the English language narration! "But don't fool yourself, boy. Servants were created to be destroyed, and they are all too aware of that fact. If they were the kind of people to panic at the idea of losing their lives, they would never have become Heroic Spirits to begin with. You don't become a heroic spirit by lying down and getting messily killed without fighting back."

 _Somewhere, Avenger sneezed._

"That doesn't make it right, for us to use them and throw their lives away!" Shirou protested.

"The life of a Servant is wasted only when it's not used for its intended purpose," Kotomine told him. "Besides, they've already died anyway, and will not last long in this world without the war to sustain them, so it's not like they can go off and retire on some farm if they wanted to. Their days are numbered either way. I'm sure your Servant would berate you if you shared those thoughts with them. Actual human lives, on the other hand, will be lost if you allow a Master with a heart set on evil obtain the Holy Grail. It's up to you deciding which is the greater wrong."

Shirou seethed. "You're acting as if it's okay to pick a wrong just because it's 'not as big' as another one! But that's not how it should be! Wrong is wrong, no matter what!"

"Let me put it this way," Kirei coolly lectured. "Do you know what happened the last time, ten years ago, a fool refused to master the Grail that had manifested itself for him?"

Shirou recoiled instantly.

"The Great War is intended to appear at sixty years intervals," Kotomine said. "During each manifestation, no man or woman has proven worthy of controlling its power, and that has led to conflict time and time again. However, the winner of the last War took it even further than anybody else, and because of that, the city of Fuyuki was destroyed. Is that the fate you would, through your inaction, allow to befall Mahora?"

Shirou felt truly sick, a feeling of crushing chill filling his innards. Brief flashes of all consuming fire came to his mind, making him squirm in almost forgotten— but never truly dispelled— pain.

In other words, he was having a Negi Moment.

Tohsaka looked at him with mild concern. "Um, you okay, Emiya-kun? Look, I know this is a lot to take in, why don't you take a seat, I can bring you some wat—"

He gestured at her with a hand to stop talking, then stared into Kirei's even serpentine eyes, his own ablaze. "I still hate this cruel game of yours, and given the first chance to cut it short, then I'll gladly do so. But I'm not letting anything like that happen again if I can help it!"

"Then rejoice, Emiya Shirou," Kotomine Kirei told him. "Because you have just become a Hero. Now all you have to decide is whether you'll die as a failure of a Hero or live as a success. And possibly be remembered as a villain. I make no promises."

Shirou huffed while stepping back. "Gee, thanks for the seal of approval for my first test, then!"

"Now, now, don't take it that badly," Kirei said, his mood apparently improved considerably. "Should you exhaust your Command Seals and lose your Servant, or should your Servant perish in battle, all you need to do is come here, and my sacred duty will be protecting you, even at the cost of my own life, until the War is over. It's fairly quiet and comfortable here. Everybody praises Cocone-chan's pancakes, even if I find them somewhat... tasteless. But then, my taste buds are different." He paused. "Though I have to warn you about Father Garterbelt. Seriously, watch your ass there."

"He's not joking," Rin told the upset Shirou out of the a corner of her mouth.

"Of course," Kirei cautioned, "I can't guarantee the other Masters will let you live long enough to cross our gates. Your own Servant is also all but guaranteed to murder you should you fail them. Most of them come from times where their concepts of honor and justice, not to mention fair play, do not match ours all that well. And some could just be murderous psychos who like killing people."

"Duly noted," Shirou mumbled, his mood definitely soured from when he had entered.

"So hold on to those Command Seals unless you absolutely need to use of them," the priest warned. "That is the best advice I can give you for now. But, if you have any further questions...?"

"Um, yeah, actually," Shirou doubted, "Where would you have you—"

"That hallway, the second door to the right," Kirei helpfully pointed down another side. "Next to the stature of Saint Mungo."

"Wait, that's a real saint?" Shirou asked.

"Of course. Who do you think stole the secrets of British magic and revealed them to Rome so that we could kill the heretics?" Kirei said.

Shirou stared at him, then quickly headed towards the restroom the House of the Lord had reserved for His sons.

Yep, Rin decided, the bastard really had a scary gift for reading people like books...

* * *

The rainstorm that had been hitting Honnouji had eventually extended itself across the whole area of the Four Schools, gigantic black clouds spreading southward. By the time Negi's Ala Alba left Evangeline's cabin after another subjective day and objective hour of stay there, Chachamaru had to distribute spare umbrellas among them again.

And once again, Eva had complained, grunting about why they couldn't start bringing their own umbrellas already, and harshly reminding them she wanted them back— the umbrellas, not necessarily the teammates—tomorrow in as good a shape as she'd handed them over. If not better. But that was behind them now, as were Eva's cabin itself and its inhabitants, as they were about to reach the female dormitories.

Rito and Lala were still with them since their house was further down the campus, and so other than the members who were currently out of town, it was a full membership of Ala Alba who ran across of—

"Emiya-san?"

The boy was not one Negi was familiar with, but he'd made a point of learning the names and faces of as many students all across the schools as he could, and he'd remember this one well because of his last name, and what it meant for the whole magical community. Recent experiences had only reinforced that importance. Kuro-san had not been restrained in bragging about how awesome her brother was.

"Negi-sensei?" the taller, older redhead asked back, squinting at him and his companions through the heavy curtain of constantly falling icy water. Since he had no umbrella on him at the time, he'd resorted to shielding himself under a newspaper he was holding over his head, but that newspaper was by now reduced to a sopping, limp mess of paper slowly breaking apart between his fingers. "What are you doing out here under this rain?"

He was not alone, Negi realized, for other than Tohsaka Rin-san, who hung close to him (her Servant currently invisible and herself well protected by an umbrella of her own, since she had lived in London until recently and had formed the habit of carrying her own umbrella due to that countries habit of trying to have spring summer, fall and winter all happen on the same day) there was another female standing closely behind the young man. One mostly wrapped in a concealing, gray long overcoat, with a blue baseball hat obscuring most of her features. For some reason, alock of hair was sticking through it. Somehow. The rain did not seem to be bothering her at all, as she just stood there making no effort to protect herself from it.

Truth be told, so much of her was hidden from sight Negi himself, months ago, wouldn't have been able to tell at first if that person happened to be male or female. But close constant contact with large numbers of females had sharpened such perceptions of his more than he'd care to admit or even acknowledge.

Rito, who was also far more familiar with details of feminine anatomy of late through repeated close exposure, knew it immediately as well, and so took a cautious step back, wanting to lessen the chances of slipping on a puddle and landing on that stranger or that famous Sempai with the twintails as much as he could.

The woman with the delicate, beautiful half-obscured features kept on looking sharply, emotionlessly at them with her piercing green eyes while Emiya Shirou answered apologetically. She seemed to be analyzing each one of them in much the same way Setsuna would do to incoming large groups of strangers while walking down the street. "Oh, yeah, that, this must look kinda strange for you, right? Sorry, um, w... came from the church just now."

"The church, right," Misa chuckled secretively, leaning closer to Madoka and Sakurako. "Like that excuse ever works."

"The church?" Negi blinked. "You mean—"

Misora, meanwhile, frowned at the trio of older teens. She was vaguely familiar with Tohsaka, she'd often visit Father Kirei and they'd have lots of secret reunions just the two of them, but that only made her dislike that Sempai. If her suspicions were right, she was sleeping on the side with Father Kirei, who was supposed to be her tutor or something like that, and seriously, who could ever trust anybody with taste that bad? She wondered if Tohsaka knew about Father Kirei's blond boytoy who came over a lot and practically lived in the basement with him.

"The Mary Magdalene, yeah," Emiya admitted to the boy everyone in campus knew. He was supposed to be a genius, so in turn Shirou supposed it was no shock he not only would recognize him as well but would know he was no Catholic, judging from his confused tone. "It's a long story, but ... oh, oh, my manners!" He seemed all too happy to change the subject while gesturing toward the silent woman. "I think you already know Tohsaka," this was confirmed by a dry nod from both Rin and Negi, "and this is, well, a friend of mine, a new friend—"

Then he seemed to get stuck again, as if at a loss to announce his alleged friend's name.

"Saber," she said, flat and calculated, studying Negi's presence carefully. "You may call me Saber. Pleased to meet you, Professor. I have heard of you."

Tohsaka had been, after all, generous enough to even give her a quick crash course on the local notables.

Then it struck Negi, and from the faint muted gasps behind him, he guessed Ayaka, Chisame and Haruna, at least, had made the connection as well. Saber. That name. Now he knew why she'd seemed vaguely familiar to him. The memories of Kuro-san's exposition during the trip to Kyoto came back to him, triggering all sorts of alarm signs. Kuro-san had said Emiya-san was her sibling back in her own world. And then, nights after that, Illyasviel von Einzbern herself had introduced herself to Negi, and said—

"Negi-sensei, are you okay?" Emiya-san asked him, now sounding even more worried, and Negi cursed himself inwardly. _Control,_ he urged himself. _Now more than ever, you need control. This must be what Kuro-san was preparing you for. Rise to the challenge, then. Don't let it show. Your fear. Your—_

He nodded mechanically. "Y-Yes. Sorry, Emiya-san. I just happened to have... a slight spell of sorts. I mean, I, I had a lot of physical exercise today, and I was a bit dizzy, but that's all right, we'll just head back home and—"

Then there was a slight, soft giggle he knew all too well, despite hearing it only once before. But it had left a lasting mark on his memory, and so Negi clenched his teeth, while Saber-san grew alert, her hand as if gesturing for something at her side. Emiya-san also looked in the direction the tiny, cute giggle had come from, down the deserted street, into the growing shadows of the stormy day.

Then the ground beneath their feet seemed to shake ever so lightly, once, then twice, as a gigantic lurching shape appeared in the distance slowly heading towards them, became visible, with a much smaller figure sitting atop it. Negi's blood froze in his veins. Misa frowned and then squinted as much as possible, since the smaller shape seemed oddly familiar to her for some reason.

"Shirou. Behind me," Saber-san curtly said, but Emiya was as paralyzed as Negi was at the time, although from perplexity rather than dread.

"I had been waiting for this moment, and it was about time!" the tiny, pale person sitting atop the muscular, shirtless giant with grayish skin and red eyes that almost seemed to glow said, loud and clear. Neither of them seemed upset in the slightest by the intense rain either. "For my two brothers to be together, so I could introduce myself properly! Good afternoon, Shirou-kun and Negi-kun!"

She tilted ahead just a bit, perfect, tiny white teeth glinting or at least giving the illusion of it, her diminutive hands wrangled into the thick, messy black locks of her ride's long hair. Violet eyes feasting on the sights before her. Anticipating what there was to come.

"Your big sister's here," she said. "Your Illya-chan!"

"Ah!" Misa cried, pointing and rushing back in shocked recognition. _"White Kuro!"_

Rito blinked. "White Black?" he dubiously repeated. And Rin groaned to herself. Another lame Japanese wordplay gag that wouldn't work half as well in English anyway!

* * *

The man was truly gigantic, a mass of grotesque muscle wielding a massive slab of rock that was to the sword what the rock is to the bullet. It was easily twice as big as Illya herself. Chisame guessed that had to be her Servant, although he did not look at all like the Dark Knight Kuro had spoken about while mentioning her 'sister's' Servant. Still, he definitely gave a matching sense of threat and undiluted power, and even the often stupidly brave Negi could not blame Emiya-san for freezing in place where he stood, one of his hands tightly wrapped around one of Saber's wrists.

While Tohsaka cursed under her breath and swiftly shook some gems out of her sleeves, expertly rolling them between her fingers, the blond woman simply stood defiantly in an expert stance and as if holding some manner of invisible or imaginary weapon between her hands. With a mere shrug, she had allowed the long coat drop off herself, momentarily revealing to be a pair of skimpy shorts, a nigh-microscopic top, very high stockings and some shoes before there was a blaze of light, and when she was visible again she wore a long regal blue dress with armored plates all over it, plus heavy, thick gloves of matching armor.

Chisame was instantly jealous at how modest and lacking in nudity her transformation sequence was.

It hardly looked like the most comfortable outfit to fight in, Negi dimly thought before his full attention returned to Illyasviel, who had shifted around so she sat cross legged on a shoulder of the giant.

"Illya-san," the younger boy said. "Why are you here? It can't be to hurt me, since otherwise you'd have done it the first time we met..."

"Do you know her?" Saber coolly asked him, her eyes still fixed on the titan who fumed at her like a mad bull waiting to be released.

Negi had to nod slowly. "Not too much, but yes... We have crossed paths once before. And her Servants looks… vaguely familiar for some reason. But—"

"That's not all, I also happened to meet your little girlfriend back at London," Illya mischievously said, eyes narrowing and smirk growing. "Spirited young lady, I actually liked her a lot! Better make sure she won't ever become your grieving widow!"

"Girlfriend?" Ayaka coldly asked, her hand briefly stopping in the task of pulling her Pactio card out. _**"Widow?!"**_

"Anya?" Negi gasped, his hand reaching for his staff without even fully realizing it. "You... You didn't do anything to Anya, did you?"

"Why is she the first girl to come to your mind when someone talks about your girlfriend?" Misora asked pointedly.

"How many other people does he know who lives at London, dumbass?" Chisame sizzled at her. "Seriously, do you think this really is the moment to be thinking of that crap?!"

"I said I liked her, didn't I?" the tiny albino asked back, smirk dissolving. "As for you, I won't make such promises just yet. First I have to see if you're indeed a worthy brother of mine. I can tell, however, someone else isn't."

"Wow," Makie blinked. "So that's your little sis, Negi-kun? I like her, she's cute! The added edge only makes her cuter! So we've found one of the sisters your dad was talking about…"

"She is n—" Negi began, then bit his tongue as it clearly was unwise to provoke the obvious prodigy Magus with a Servant at her beck and call. "Illya-san, please listen, let's be reasonable here, I'm not sure what have you heard about us, but—"

Illya's gaze drifted towards Shirou, who was coming back to himself enough as to now try and pull Saber back with himself, and completely fail at doing so. "Although," the small girl added, completely ignoring Negi now, "I wasn't expecting for this boy to be able to summon a Servant himself, and of the Saber class, no less. I see Father might have been able to teach him something after all. Well," she said, leaping down to land on her booted feet on the sidewalk, scaring Misa further, and then pulling the edges of the skirt up a bit, enough as to properly accompany her subtle bowing in a cutesy curtsy, "now we'll see exactly how much! Berserker! Kill that ugly Servant!"

Then there was a roar, not unlike that of a huge beast from long gone eras, something that might have haunted the nightmares of the first men and women in a young world, something that chilled Negi, Keiichi, Rito and Shirou to their very cores, and made Madoka, Misora, Sora and Ai shriek while covering their ears. Itoshiki yawned and drew out his ruler.

And then, in a blink, before any of them could truly react past the primal dread or awe that roar elicited from them, the massive titan was charging at them with incredible speed, so fast as a matter of fact only one of them could react to it. That was Saber, who similarly charged forward, leaving Emiya's hand suddenly holding nothing but air, and ducking under the first mace swing of the colossus, striking with her invisible or imaginary (Negi dearly hoped for the former) weapon at the muscular midsection of the Berserker.

And Negi could literally feel the shockwaves of the clash making the ground rattle under his feet. He hadn't seen such display of power since Kyoto; even the mountain of a man known only as Walter who had fought Kotaro recently seemed to be nothing compared to the raw aura of power literally emanating from this behemoth, who didn't even flinch at the obviously also very powerful direct attack Saber had directed at his granitic body.

Instead of expressing any pain or being set back at all, the Berserker simply swatted Saber aside like a fly, sending her crashing against a wall. "SABER!" Shirou cried, trying to rush for her, before Negi, still mostly reacting instinctively, held him from behind, pulling him back before the taller young man could advance.

"Oh crap!" Rin backed away further on agile legs, readying her magic and commanding Vigilante in a whisper to hold himself back just yet. She suspected his apparition in the middle of this particular situation could only cause more chaos and worsen things, rather than actually helping any. She could hear his faint growl of frustration, but he obviously didn't dare disobey her yet, since one moment later the puff of purple smoke still failed to manifest itself.

Negi steeled himself, breathing as deeply as he could. He could feel the nervous gazes of his team, all on him, as they tensely waited for his reaction, their cue of what to do. Well, all but Lala-san, who only stared in wide eyed fascination at Berserker's display of raw power, no doubt scheming to end up studying him under a microscope eventually. And maybe even literally to boot.

So. That was what leadership truly felt like. He wasn't all too sure he liked that feeling just yet. It was very different, despite the surface similarities, to what he felt in his comfortable role as a teacher.

For all he knew, he would be very outmatched here, in this conflict between legendary heroes whose recognition dwarfed even that of his father. In fact, he was practically sure of it. As for his team, they didn't have Setsuna, Asuna and Haruka, their strongest hitters, or Konoka, their healer, and they were too far to be summoned, not that he wanted to endanger them as well in the first place anyway.

Still, he couldn't just stand back and simply let that happen as he did nothing but watching.

 _"Rastel Ma Scir Magister..."_ he began to softly chant under his breath...

 _"Bure bure bure bure..."_ Itoshiki joined him, since after all he could recognize a golden chance to die whenever he saw it.

* * *

"This is so foolish," a bored-sounding Illya commented, standing on the sidewalk while looking at the fingernails of one of her hands. With the other, she was establishing a sound-dampening Bounded Field to cover the area. It wouldn't do, after all, to have nosy bystanders call the local authorities to interrupt this perfectly nice match. "Do you know who Berserker is? It's Heracles! You just don't get into a fight with Heracles and, well, survive it! What a couple of dumb brothers I have!"

"Heracles?" Makie asked, catching her ball Artifact back after it had bounced off Berserker's head, as useless as everything else they were trying on him.

And they were trying a lot; while Saber frontally attacked the giant by repeteadly hacking and slashing on his muscular front, Ala Alba tried to, at the very least, keep him distracted. Negi zapped at his upper section with a constant stream of Sagitta Magicas, already starting to clench his teeth under the pressure. Misa, who'd gotten turned around while running away and had eventually found her way back to them, was throwing needles at Berserker's eyes, aiming like Kuro had, ironically, taught her to; but while most of her hits did connect, they didn't look like they were blinding the creature. It was doubtful even blinding him would have mattered after all, since he attacked with single minded intensity not unlike that of a mindless beast.

However, as Negi realized immediately, Berserker followed Illyasviel's orders to the letter, so when she had commanded for him to kill Saber, that was what he focused on. That meant he thankfully ignored the youngsters attacking him from all sides, treating them as pests beneath his attention. Negi realized, to his dawning horror, that had she ordered him to kill everyone, at least a few of his students would be dead by now.

"Hercules!" he gasped. "That's the Greek name for Hercules, Makie-san! Everyone keep their distance!"

"That means you too, Sempai!" Misora yelled, using her Pactio enhanced strength to keep the desperate Shirou grabbed from behind. "Are you suicidal? Even Despair-sensei is keeping himself out of reach!"

"I, I don't want to turn a child into a murderess by association, that's all," Itoshiki weakly argued, standing by Negi and shooting thick strands of darkness from his wooden ruler, trying to grab Berserker's legs and keep him in place. Since he was no Gilgamesh and his spell was no Enkidu, it was having little to no effect, although a lone figure standing on a rooftop high above them, overlooking the fight, was still taking good note of the strategy. Not that he needed it, but he was such a chronic thie— err, rightful claimer of approaches mongrels might develop but only he could use properly.

The handsome blond man in biker leathers kept most of his attention on Saber's heroically struggling figure, however, a boken lazily resting in his hand. "It's you," he purred huskily, with a cruel, lecherous smile. "I knew you just had to come back to me..."

Lashing from behind with her whip, Ayaka redoubled her efforts even though she already felt like her arms were going to fall. "Cocone-san!" she called out. "Your divine thunderbolt!"

"You're all too close, might hit you as well," Cocone said, keeping her cross well in hand, and standing shortly behind Misora and Shirou. "Akashi-san? This is a magical being, why aren't your bullets working on it?"

"Do you think the damn guns talk to me, how am I supposed to know?!" Yuuna complained, unloading another round on the monster's tough hide and then cocking her guns at her side, reloading them instantly. Even if actual ammo was not needed, the effort itself was after twelve shots each time. She took aim at Berserker's now hugely open, roaring mouth and grunted, "Let's see if this one works..."

When the next magic cancel bullet was just crushed between Berserker's teeth with a minor explosion that didn't even inconvenience him, Makie gestured at Yuuna. "Okay, Yuuna-chan, that's enough! Hand me one!"

Yuuna blinked, then obeyed immediately. "Wh-What are you trying to do? Even if you're a better shooter than me..." and that was true, even after all the gun coaching Makie had been giving her at the resort, "the bullets themselves won't get any better..."

"You still can't do this," Makie calmly said, taking aim. "It's a much smaller target, and well, sorry, you don't have the guts."

"What do you mean with— Oh!" Yuuna gasped, realizing Makie was instead aiming at the White Kuro, who simply smirked evilly and raised her hands, deploying a barrier before herself. Makie still shot, undeterred, and the bullet flew, reaching the shield in a second and then, to Illya's brief but crushing shock, outright rippling through it, then to hit her squarely in the face...

"What— YES, OH YES!" Misa gushed, pausing in the middle of another throw. "Hah ha! Take that you evil, evil loli! I might not be able to beat up Evangeline but other little girls are fair game!"

llya dropped on her butt on the sidewalk, rubbing her aching face and whining. "Ouchie!" she said, fleetingly said as if her connection with Berserker blinked, and that made her feel so crushingly cold and alone under the rain. "What, what's your game here, you stupid Japanese girl?!"

Berserker himself paused for a moment, one that Saber immediately used to plunge her invisible blade in his midsection, although even that didn't seem to rattle him at all. Instead, he only said, clear and distinctively, with a voice that still was growling and deep but vaguely human now, _**"Why—?''**_ before the madness overtook him again, and he flexed his arms and roared, the force of his angry scream sending everyone stumbling back.

"Well," Skuld blinked, "she's my Ministra after all, but unfortunately she's also an idiot."

"Well, excuuuuuuse me, Master!" Makie protested. "I wasn't listening to the brilliant smart-girl ideas you were having but not telling us!"

Illya jumped back to her feet, pointing madly in pretty much all directions. "Berserker, Berserker, Berserker! You know what you have to do!"

"... there's only one good idea to have while battling this guy," Skuld gulped, then turned tail and ran away for dear life. "RUN AWAY!"

"... see, that's why she's genius in our team, sorry, Hakase!" Misora gulped, letting go of Shirou and grabbing Cocone by a hand. "Sensei, you heard the fake but still sensible deity, let's scram!"

"You do that!" Negi insisted, blasting at the rampaging Berserker while he battered on Saber, the smaller Servant's sword barely offering any defense against the force of his blows. Even so, her face was bleeding, and there were tiny cracks on the front of her armor, where the slab of rock had hit. "That includes you, Emiya-san!" he warned, as Itoshiki put his tendrils to better use by restraining Shirou, who still struggled to get to Saber's side.

"He's right, your teachers have suicide privileges, you don't!" Itoshiki chastised the young man sternly. "Besides, what will I tell Fujimura-sensei if I get you killed? She'd kill me!"

Makie sighed as she finished her cellphone call. Her cellphone, by the way, was pink and had Hello Kitty stickers all over it, with a sticker photo of her and her mothers on the back. Because she was that kind of girl. "Well, that leaves us with Plan B, then."

"Plan B?" Haruna asked, drawing a Death Metal album cover-looking skull ram head and battering on Berserker's head from above.

"Akira-chan said they happened to be close enough, luckily," Makie calmly shrugged, pocketing the cellphone back. "Since the Sailor Senshi move so fast, and Honya-chan has that Jump card going for her, they should be here..."

"FOOL!" a voice called out from above.

Makie pouted. "A fool? You too, Honya-chan? That's what I get from—?"

"Who are you—" Illya looked back and over her shoulder at the source of the unknown voice, and she found herself staring at the grinning face of a green haired Loli in clown makeup. "— bwuh?"

The strange girl grabbed her hand, shook it with a small deranged chuckle, and then Illya cried as a jolt of electricity shook her into unconsciousness.

Berserker immediately stopped hammering on the trembling Saber, looked back at his Master, who now laid at the feet of the newly arrived Nodoka and Yue, and made a leap for her, leaving everyone behind. As quick as carefully, he scooped the tiny, sleeping albino child in his huge arms, looked at her face for a second, and then exhaled what only could be called a hellish sigh of relief. Then he stared madly at those gathered around him, roared viciously sending them down again, and leapt away with his precious charge, disappearing from sight into the storm.

"You just," Yue said from under her umbrella to Nodoka, "used a still-untested Card to zap a small child with electricity, under a heavy rain."

"A small child who was about to have Negi-sensei and Haruna killed," Nodoka corrected. "Is… is everyone okay? Sorry, we came as soon as we received Makie-san's call. It took us a bit since for some reason we couldn't hear the noise of the fight..."

"Nodo-chan, Yuecchi!" Haruna ran to hug them tightly, smashing them against her breasts, the smaller girls starting to wave their arms around because of the sudden suffocation. "Oh, I'm so glad to see you! You're the best, never change!"

"Yue!" Lala finally popped out of the trash bin where Berserker had forcefully slammed her into earlier in the fight, a bit we didn't bother to show Because Reasons. She smiled as bright and proudly as ever, despite her head being covered in rancid junk that made Peke shudder and cough. "My savior princess!"

"I, I didn't do anything, what are you talking about...?" Yue said as she struggled free from the chuckling Haruna's grasp.

"Yeah, well, join the club," Sailor Venus grumbled, jumping down from the rooftop of the ceiling where she had stood a moment ago, followed by Mercury, Mars, Artemis and Kero. "Seriously, Bookstore-san, what's the big idea, not leaving this stuff to professionals? Oh, and you have even more now, I see," she frowned at Saber, who was staggering back breathing heavily, and Shirou, who was coming to her side to hold her tenderly on her feet. "For real, Sensei, why don't you just hand out recruitment fliers like the SOS Brigade, it'd be less—"

Then her jaw slackened, as she realized the identity of the guy she could barely see through the curtain of water. She pointed and cried, all but openly gushing, "Ah! You're him! The high jump boy!"

"The who of what now?" an annoyed Shiho muttered, while Negi came to Nodoka's side to profusely thank her, which made her blush adorably, and then to ask her why she was in the company of a loli-Joker crossplayer, which made her blush in shame.

"You see," Minako excitedly said, "when I was very little, I once saw this really cool redhead who was trying to make a high jump over a bar, and while he kept on failing, he never gave up, and that was so cool, I only wish I had the courage back then to approach— Why are you looking at me like that?" she asked, only now realizing the dead, humorless way that famous Sempai who was also there was staring at her, her fingers all but crushing the colorful gems between them. "Aren't you a fan of superheroes, or what?"

* * *

Saber dreamed, a dream not her own.

The first time Shirou actually saw his father, Shirou had been sitting on his hospital bed, as quiet as a child can be, saying nothing, doing nothing, not even looking at anything in particular. He'd been that way for a while by then, not even reacting when the nurse walked in, checked on the catheter still in his arm, and kindly told him he had a visitor.

Then the man had walked, wearing that old, gray trenchcoat over his suit, with the shade of several days without a shave, and smiling sadly, walking closer to the small bed of sheets that were as white as Shirou's thin gown. Saber felt an icy revolt in her stomach, easily recognizing that man. Emiya Kiritsugu, Magus Killer Kiritsugu, the man who had led Irisviel to a senseless death, all for a prize he even wasted at the end of it all.

Shirou finally moved his head enough as to get a good look at the tall, slim man, who seemed to have been once firm with taut muscle, but suddenly had most of the life sucked out of him. Even his eyes were gray and dull, and yet stubbornly reluctant to let go of that last sparkle of hope. His voice was pretty much the same as that.

"Hey there, Champ," he said. "Remember me? Probably not."

Shirou remained mute, not even blinking, simply staring eerily at him, perhaps struggling to remember his voice and face.

The man exhaled. "My name's Emiya Kiritsugu. And you're Shirou, I've been told."

Shirou managed to nod as best as he could. His name, he could remember that much at least. Perhaps he'd told the doctors as they struggled to save his life, although that was difficult to say for sure. The last few days had been nothing but a confusing blur where events and their sequence got wrangled with each other.

"I'll be honest with you, since we don't have much time," the man told him. "They also told me they're letting you walk out next week. After that, you can choose whether you want to go to an orphanage or stay with me."

"Ah," the child say. Only that, and nothing else.

"I've heard orphanages in this country are very good, very professional," Emiya Kiritsugu said, putting a lot of weight on each word. "While I, well, I won't lie to you, I don't have a mother for you, my house isn't too big or fancy, and I don't have the best of jobs either. Still, I was really hoping you'd let me become your Dad."

* * *

"Dad," Shirou said, more than one year later, as they sat on the porch of Kiritsugu's Mahora home, watching the starry sky sprinkled by New Year fireworks. "I've decided what my resolution will be!"

"Oh, yes? Let's hear it, then," Kiritsugu contentedly said.

Shirou took a deep breath in. "I want to be a Hero of Justice, just like you, Dad!"

Kiritsugu paused, first somewhat rattled and perplexed, and then pensive and contemplative. When he finally talked again, it was slow and measured, giving each word a lot of thought. "That's a certainly commendable goal, Shirou, but there are goals that are just too commendable for most of us to follow. I'm not sure if I didn't do more harm than good, but then again, I'm sure you'll be a better man than I was."

"That, that wasn't what I meant, Dad!" he gasped. "I know I'll never be as good a magus as you are, but, but I can do other things too! I'll be as strong as Takahata-sensei, or as wise as the Headmaster, I'll find a way to make up for it! I don't care as long as I get to be a Hero, and make you proud!"

"You already make me proud," the man said. "You're the best achievement I've ever managed. Listen, Shirou, I'm not going to tell you what to do with your life. I'm not sure I'm the best man to decide that. If, by the time you're a man, that's still what you want to do, just pursue that dream with all you've got and be the best hero you can and want to be. But remember, even the best of heroes can't save everyone. The most important thing… is saving those who are the closest to you…"

Kiritsugu the Magus Killer would die a few years later, but that short conversation was, perhaps, the most important he ever had with Shirou. It encapsulated the nature of their relationship, and the bond they shared, perfectly.

Just like Saber, Shirou had been raised by a flawed father not his own, but that was where most of the similarities between their origins stopped. For Saber—

* * *

And Saber woke up, startled.

If you're wondering, she did not wake up from troubled dreams as some kind of insect.

"Please stay down, okay?" she was told by a busty, pink haired girl she recognized as one of those who had been following Negi-sensei when they met him, gently keeping a hand on her chest before she could bolt upright. Saber took notice of the rather strange fact this girl could keep her down at all, even if she hadn't really pushed her hand up hard at all, and found herself looking up at a by now familiar ceiling. That of Shirou's bedroom, which she would visit every night as he slept as part of her routine watch duties, and definitely not to look at him while in bed. "Your wounds were so serious, we even thought of taking you to a hospital, even if Rin here said—"

"Tohsaka was correct, Heroic Spirits have no need for medical assistance. I have fully recovered now," Saber stoically said, sitting up on Shirou's futon and stretching an arm over to grab o the chestplate someone had taken off her and placed aside before adjusting it back over her shirt. As she did so, those tightly gathered in the spacious but now crowded room saw she indeed seemed completely healed, even her face having regained a pristine, almost unearthly beautiful appearance. "Illyasviel, that girl. Where is she now?"

Shifting her eyes around a bit, she saw Shirou sitting by Negi-sensei's side, looking somewhat stiffer and slightly more spent than usual. He still smiled at her, even though she didn't smile back. "Saber," he hoarsely said, "I'm so glad you're okay. But, are you sure...?"

"Yes, I am," Saber sternly replied, her tone giving no room for doubts. "Please answer my query, Shirou."

"Saber-san, you still need to rest," a girl she hadn't seen before at the scene of the field warmly told her, kneeling by her side and touching her forehead. She had short grayish hair and was rather petite, even more than Saber herself. "Your wounds may have healed now, but your body's still tired. You should go back to sleep. Oh, oh, we haven't been introduced yet, have we? How do you do, I'm Izumi Ako, assistant nurse. Hm, Akira-chan and Makie-chan called me to see if I could be of any help..."

"Pleased to meet you, Izumi-san," Saber exhaled, slightly frustrated. "And I'm, of course, happy to see you're alive and well too, Shirou," she added, and then gave a better look at Negi, who sat with his shirt off and a few bandages around an arm. Saber vaguely noticed the boy was slightly more muscular than she'd have thought for a child of this era, but then, that explained how she'd seen him move around Berserker while avoiding the brute's strikes. "However, before anything else, I'd like to have my question about Illyasviel-san answered..."

"She's okay, she left with her bargain bin Solomon Grundy after Miyazaki here took her down," mumbled the pockmarked girl with glasses and a ponytail who also sat by Negi. The short girl with thick purple bangs hanging over her face looked down in awkwardness. "If what Tohsaka-sempai told us about her family while you slept is of any indication, and if she's anything at all like... well, some person like her we once met, then she should be allright. Seriously, though, what did you guys ever do to her?"

"Me?" Shirou asked back. "N-No, I don't even know who she is... She called me a 'brother', but ..."

"It looks like she's under some sort of delusion she and I share a father," Negi said, as Rin eyed him dubiously, and Itoshiki tried to look innocent, rummaging through Shirou's closet in search for anything to cut or hang himself with. "Where do you fit into that, though, I don't know."

"Is that so?" a frowning Shirou asked. "Well, Dad was my adoptive father, not blood related to me. I don't even know who were my birth family. That could have something to do with it, although no records have survived from my hometown's destruction, so I have no idea what might have made her think that. Anyway, no one was killed after all, right? Then everything's alright..."

"No, of course it's not 'alright'!" protested the ponytailed girl. "You don't know what you've just gotten into, do you?!"

"I must agree with her, Shirou," Saber dryly said. "Even after being told of the Grail War, and after listening to the priest's words, you don't seem to be taking this as seriously as you should. Your behavior on the battleground was hardly befitting a Master."

"Actually, that goes for you as well!" the ponytailed girl snapped. "Look, great warrior of the past, future or alternate world or not, I doubt you have any actual idea of what's going on with this whole Grail business!"

"Oh?" Saber coldly regarded her. "Would you happen to be a Master as well?"

"Me? Perish the thought!" the girl recoiled. "Do I look like a suicidal idiot to you?"

"Hey!" Rin and Shirou protested.

"Chisame, please, this isn't the way to explain it," Negi wearily said. "Emiya-san, Saber-san, Tohsaka-san, these are my roommates and students Hasegawa Chisame-san and Hakase Satomi-san, and the rest of them... well, they are our fellow members of the English Research Society. And the Sailor Senshi."

"Why the heck are we still here?" Sailor Mars mumbled, sitting near the door in seiza and impatiently tapping her fingers on her knees.

"It's still raining, would you rather go out and soak to the bone?" Sailor Venus hushed her, with a finger on her own mouth. "Now be quiet and don't make me, I mean us, look bad in front of Sempai!"

Shiho grimaced, giving Shirou a disdainful glance while Mercury looked like she really wished to be anywhere now but by their side. "You and your taste in men," she muttered to Venus. "No point of comparison at all with my Oniichan!"

Shirou perhaps overheard this, as he was next heard sighing heavily, like a man who is being insulted right at his own home but is too polite to mention it. "Pleased to meet you all, and sorry to have brought you into this. But, if we could know exactly what's—"

"That Grail thing is cursed!" Chisame blurted out, and Saber's eyes subtly widened for a moment./ppRin did a sudden, violent spit-take, and a small voice by her side could also be briefly heard gasping aloud. "S-SAY WHAT?!"

"We don't know that for sure just yet," Negi gently told Chisame.

"Murphy's Law!" Chisame said. "When something can go wrong, it'll go wrong! And it went wrong in Kuro-san's world!"

"That's... a very pessimistic outlook on things," her teacher tried to reason.

"She was nearly pulped to death by a murderous brute strung along by a creepy little girl who would've then killed us all!" Chisame argued, pointing vigorously at Saber. "Do you think that's what would happen in a War where everything was going on just fine?!"

"If everything were going well and in a civilized fashion, would there be a War in the first place, Chisame?" the girl named Satomi argued in response.

Shirou nodded. "Yeah, well. The way I see it, too, any Artifact people kill each other for is already cursed, in its own way. But you'll have to explain further..."

Yue sighed and stood up. "I'll go brew up some tea. I feel we'll be here for a while."

* * *

"You're an idiot, Berserker!" Illyasviel pouted as she finished stripping down. The rain tapped furiously on the large windows of her pool bath, Sayoko dutifully waiting by the water with a bucket of bathing implements in a hand and a folded white towel in the other. Illya walked past her as she continued berating the giant who had stayed by the doorstep, quiet and silent. "You could have killed them all before leaving! Argh, that's the problem with summoning a Berserker, all muscles and no brains! I should've summoned you as an Archer instead!"

"Well," Sayoko stoically said, "lamenting that now won't solve anything. You will always have more chances later. Besides, are you sure you really wanted your blood brother dead? I thought—"

"On second thought," Illya bitterly commented, "servants who do think are just as annoying as those who don't. Look, Sayoko, that boy disappointed me, okay? Hanging around all those dumb, ugly girls, like a two-bit Casanova... Honestly! I should have suspected that much after meeting his slutty girlfriend in London!"

"I'm more worried," the unflappable maid said as Illya entered the warm water in the nude, "you told them of Berserker's identity. Should they find a way to exploit his weaknesses..."

"Which weaknesses?!" the annoyed albino growled, resting in the water, letting her long silver hair float around her. "His complete invincibility? His beyond godly strength? His peerless skill in battle? His numerous appearances in every medium ever? Even if they had years, they still couldn't find a way to damage Berseker. That's not the problem."

"Then what is it?" Sayoko asked.

Illya frowned, staring up at the chamber's ceiling. "What is that to you, Sayoko? Know your place."

"My place is with Master Einzbern," Sayoko formally declared, "and without her, I wouldn't know what to do, or where to go. That is why this is, indeed, my problem, Master Einzbern."

The frown only grew. "You might," she decided, "be even dumber than Berserker."

Sayoko said nothing, but her expression remained just as grimly serious./ppIllya sighed, closing her eyes. "I won't die, of course. But, in the event I did, I'd like you to keep on living, Sayoko. Go to the Britannian House, tell them I sent you. I'm sure Lelouch and Nunnally will be glad to take you in, just like with Sella and Leysritt. They'll be glad to have their girlfriend back for threesomes" Sayoko lowered her head.

"Whatever you do, however," Illya cautioned, "never go back to Grandfather. He'd punish you as if my failure— if I ever could have one— were yours."

"I don't feel comfortable discussing impossibilities of this caliber, Master," Sayoko uncomfortably confessed.

"Good. Neither do I."

Sayoko kept on looking at the little girl who was like the only family she had, and despite her cold, unchanging exterior, she could feel a deep, lasting pain burning inside of her.

It kept on raining on the castle in the woods.

* * *

"I see," said Saber-san, long after Negi's explanation (complete with helpful diagrams he had quickly sketched out during his narration. He was no Haruna, but Shirou could see his experience as a teacher had paid off. The boy was a master with a sketchboard— now, if only Shirou could remember where he had been keeping that sketchboard in the first place) had begun, and even longer after they all had gathered around the Emiyas' rather wide dinner table. For such a loner, Kiritsugu had always been well prepared for large visits, in more than one sense.

"You see," Chisame weakly echoed, pushing her thick glasses back up her nose. She couldn't believe the cold blood this woman had taken the news with, even if she was supposed to be some sort of hardened ancient warrior.

"YOU SEE!?" Rin heatedly agreed, her eyes spiraling feverishly, her hands slamming on the table's surface. Near her, a vaguely Jim Cummings-esque voice could be faintly heard ranting to itself in dismayed confusion, although only Itoshiki seemed to be noticing it, frowning in puzzlement as if trying to remember something.

Indeed, and given several of the events around the conclusion of the previous Grail War, it wouldn't surprise me if what you are saying is actually true," Saber stoically said.

"Eh?" Shirou blinked, breaking from his thoughts on the subject of sketchboards. "Saber, you took part in the War ten years ago?"

She nodded.

"Wow!" Shirou said. "And who was your Master then?"

Saber stared coldly at him. "Shirou, in whose tool shed did you happen to summon me, without a catalyst in your hands, and without any conscious effort to do so? I believe that should give you a clue."

Shirou's jaw went slack. "You knew my father?!"

Negi sneezed. "Excuse me," he said, wiping his nose and glad this time he hadn't accidentally set off a stripping spell.

"Oh my God," Chisame ominously said. "We have **another one** now."

"Hey," Negi pouted.

Yuuna scowled. "That better not mean what I think it meant, Chisame."

Haruna chuckled and whispered to Rito, _"Well, at least he actually figured it out. I was so sure he wouldn't!"_

Rito politely nodded, since there were cases that Honor Amongst Males simply couldn't provide cover for.

"We might talk about that some other day," Saber told Shirou, clearly uncomfortable with the subject. "Aren't you the slightest concerned, instead, about the matter of the Holy Grail itself being corrupted?"

"Um, actually, no," Shirou replied. "After all, I couldn't stop thinking about what Father Kotomine told me, about how I'd want to use the wish from the Grail for my own goals, and it had me worried, if I or anyone else could be trusted with that sort of power." Then he smiled. "But this really takes that concern off my mind! Now, if the Grail's evil, we have no reason to worry about that! After all, no one should wish on it, so all there's left to do is to destroy it! As the saying goes, lets solve this problem by burning it!"

"..." Saber, Rin, Keiichi, Negi, Ayaka, Misa, Madoka, Misora, Satomi and Chisame said.

Tsunetsuki Matoi, on the other hand, simply nodded sagely and said, "Well thought, Emiya-kun. No wonder I fell in **DEEP LOVE** with you that summer, after watching you almost jumping that bar..."

"Gahhhhh, it's _**you!**_ " Shirou abruptly pulled back from the table, panicking in recognition of a sight from several years ago. "You were here?!"

"Yes, always," Matoi nodded.

"Hadn't you noticed?" Saber asked her Master. "Well, it matters not. If this truly is no misdirection or trickery, then I shall obliterate the Grail itself with my Noble Phantasm. Should that fail, I cannot think of other force in the world up to the task."

"Awfully sure of yourself, aren'tcha, Cutie?" Haruna observed.

"Haruna-san..." Negi said.

"What's a Noble Phantasm anyway?" Madoka asked.

"Oh, that's right, you weren't there during Kuro-chan's lectures and we haven't had the time to fill you in yet," Makie said. "Well, to be honest I was asleep through most of that explanation myself, and I could used a refresher too. I remember those really cute Chibis, the whole thing about that cursed cup wanting to destroy the world, and about Saber-san here being really skilled at fellatio, but I don't remember anything about Noble Phantoms or Phantasms! Eh heh heh, sorry, it was too much info and I wasn't taking notes!"

Saber broke into a sudden, violent fit of choking while Shirou and the rest of the girls blushed deeply.

"... I still don't know what fellatio is," Negi mumbled.

Makie shrugged. "If it makes you feel any better, Negi-kun, I don't either. Maybe that's why it stuck with me, because it sounds so funny, but... maybe we should look it up on the Internet?"

"NO!" Ayaka, Keiichi, Rito, Rin, the disembodied voice next to Rin, Madoka and Chisame yelled at once.

Shirou, in the meantime, had slowly edged away from the also slowly crumbling, embarassed Saber, but he stopped himself with a start and a yelp when he saw he was moving steadily towards Matoi.

"It's okay, Emiya-kun, I got over my **DEEP LOVE** for you long ago," Matoi assured him. "Now and forevermore, I shall only love Chisame-sama... well, and a bit of Negi-sama on the side, too," she conceded.

Chisame blinked, then clutched onto Emiya's sleeve. "Sempai. Tell me how you did it. _Please!_ "

"He was oblivious to my needs, overreacted to my displays of affection, treated me as an embarrassment in public, and never understood me," Matoi explained for him. Then she cooed while hugging Chisame. "Nothing like you at all, Chisame-sama!"

 _"Why me?!"_ Chisame screamed while Satomi puffed her cheeks up.

Saber, a bit more recovered now, stared at Shirou. "Truly you were a deplorable romantic partner, Shirou. Shame on you."

"She was never my girlfriend!" Shirou said.

"You tell him, Saber-sama!" Matoi said while Chisame tried to peel her off herself. "Never give him fellatio, even if he begs you for it!"

"I have no idea what are you talking about!" the Lion of Camelot roared at her.

* * *

"Okay, before this goes any further," Rin said, in no small part to give the poor Saber a break, "there are several things I'd like to ask you."

Negi nodded. "Please ask as much as you want to."

"Okay," Rin sighed, folding her arms on the table. "Are you really sure that girl, that 'Kuro' you speak of, actually came from another dimension? Because bringing someone from across the borders between dimensions, while theoretically possible, is only reserved to practitioners of True Magic, who are all but extinct now. Master Zelretch from the Clock Tower _might_ be able to do it, but..."

"True Magic?" Makie blinked.

"What us Magi and you guys use," Rin nodded, twirling a pointer finger in Ala Alba's general direction, "is Magecraft."

"Wizardry," Negi corrected.

"Magecraft."

"Wizardry."

"Magecraft."

"Wizardry."

"Magecraft!"

"Wizardry!"

"I now get why you guys don't seem to have a lot to do with each other," Chisame said.

"No, wait, how is that not True Magic?" Makie protested. "I've seen Negi-kun throwing arrows of light, putting people to sleep with spells, stripping people with sneezes and finding a book that made **me** smart, and you're saying that's not True Magic?!"

"Technically, it was Chachamaru-san who found the book," Negi said.

"That's all real magic, of course, but it's not True Magic!" Rin argued.

"What are you saying, that makes no sense!" Makie kept on shouting, "Real Magic only can be True, because if it's True it has to be Real and—!"

"Aaaaarrrgh, never mind!" Rin shook her hands up. "I'm not taking the time to educate a neophyte for free when even her own Magister hasn't bothered to!"

Makie pouted. "See, Kuro-chan would have done it! And she'd have done it with cute chibis and funny sound effects!"

Rin sighed, deflating, then chose to keep on addressing Negi instead. "So anyway, about that question..."

Negi nodded. "She and our counterparts did indeed come from a parallel world, Tohsaka-san. And yes, True Magic was indeed involved."

"Of course it would," Makie mumbled, "if it's real magic, then it has to be True, because—"

"Okay, let's go with that," Rin interrupted. "Even so, if you really have been sitting on that information this whole time, why haven't you shared it with our higher-ups, or at least the Church? And I mean more than nun apprentices, no offense intended."

"None taken," an obviously offended Misora said.

"We didn't have any solid evidence, what could we do?" Negi asked. "Even so, we did tell the Elders of the Kanto and Kansai Associations. I'm sure they sent the requisite warnings to the rest of the Associations. Whether they bothered to tell anyone is beyond our power."

Rin hummed. "I never heard anything about that, not even from Kotomine. Well, they still think of me as a child, after all." Pause. "Again, no offense intended."

"None taken," Negi sincerely said.

"Still, it's problematic," Rin pondered, "Kotomine may be... well, not a pleasant person, but he still takes great care to do his job well. For him to forfeit warning Masters of the possibility the Great Grail might be tainted, that's strange from someone as fastidious as him."

"Maybe he didn't really think it could happen?" Shirou shrugged. "If there wasn't any actual proof after all..."

"I suppose you're right," Rin uneasily conceded. "Well, I don't really care if I have to destroy the Grail. I didn't have any wishes to ask from it anyway."

"Oh, come on," Misa said.

"No, no, I mean it!" Rin replied. "It's not like I don't have any dreams or aspirations, but I want to chase after them on my own, not just getting them as freebies from any magical source. I can't even say I'd use it to bring my parents back to life, since it has been said the Grail cannot be used to revive the dead."

"Oh," Misora softly said. "You're an orphan then? Sorry to hear that."

Rin half-smiled. "Thank you. My sister and I have carried on rather well ever since, in any case. As long as I have her and my career, I don't see the need to ask for anything from the Grail."

"Then why did you enter the War in the first place, Tohsaka?" Shirou curiously questioned.

"Eh?" Chisame said. "She's a Master as well?"

"Ahem," Rin rasped, blushing a bit, "yes, I am, but—"

"I can't believe it!" Misa said. "Then why didn't you call on your Servant to help us against that freaky bull-elephant-dinosaur man!? Were you waiting to see how many of us would he flatten before achieving the status of an emergency?!"

"Bull-elephant-dinosaur man?" asked Sakurako and Madoka, blinking.

"My Servant..." Rin slowly said, keeping her gaze low, "Well, I'm sure you'd understand if you saw my Servant..."

"Hey," the disembodied voice grunted.

Yuuna huffed, tapping her fingers on the table. "Then let's see that fabled Servant already."

Rin clenched her teeth and ground them together. "I don't have to show him off if I don't want to..."

"Tohsaka," Saber spoke then, stern and firmly. "As a Servant myself, I find your current behavior deplorable."

Rin blinked at her. "What?!"

"No Master should ever be ashamed of their Servant," Saber told her, turning on the pressure. "For a Servant fights for their Master's life and happiness, and unless the Servant betrays that sacred bond, which Vigilante has not done yet, it's the Master's duty to repay in kind by not reneging from their connection. I can understand keeping your identity as a Master a secret, as well as your Servant's real identity, but once you have been revealed, out of all the reasons to keep your Servant hidden, shame is the most cowardly and dishonorable."

She slammed a gauntlet on her breastplate and added, "I cannot, in a good conscience, share my table with someone who would feel embarrassment over a faithful comrade in arms. Decide, then, if you will keep yourself set in your ways so I can leave, or reconsider your stance so I remain."

An aghast Rin simply stared in silence at the scowling young woman who had lectured her so harshly while Lala blinked and said, "But, this isn't **your** table anyway...?"

Rin ended up sighing, admitting defeat. "Okay. You're right, Saber, I'm sorry. Vigilante," she clapped once. "Show yourself, please."

A thick cloud of purple smoke manifested itself on the table as a voice spoke, "I am the terror that flaps in the night... I am the Black Key that shows up at your gacha... I am... Servant Vigilante!"

And the smoke burst in all directions, dissipating enough as to show a small figure mysteriously wrapped in a long purple cape and shadowed by a wide brimmed purple hat and mask, under which jutted... an orange duck beak.

There was a silent beat from all those present.

It was Misa who finally broke the silence, talking to Rin. "Okay, Sempai, I take that back. You were right."

Rin nodded at her, even as Vigilante huffed grandly, folding his arms.

Nodoka and Yue tilted their heads, frowning. "Have we met before?" Nodoka said, sounding uncertain. "I feel like I should know you."

"I doubt it," Vigilante said, though he also sounded uncertain. "Have you ever urinated on my mailbox?"

"What?! No, of course not!" Nodoka replied. And glanced at Yue.

"I don't urinate on mailboxes," Yue said indignantly.

"Why isn't she wearing pants?!" a panicky Rito cried, covering his eyes.

Vigilante glared venomously at him. "Who are you calling 'she', dishrag?"/pp"Well, nothing's sticking out so– "

"Master, can I beat up this idiot?" Vigilante said levelly.

"No fighting, not fighting!" Shirou cried.

Itoshiki began gasping slightly, pointing at Vigilante and weakly starting to blabber, "You! You, you, you are..."

Vigilante shot him a piercing 'complete that sentence and I'll do something far worse than kill you', so Nozomu simply gulped and lamely added, "... a duck."

Makie clasped her hands together. "IT'S SO CUTE! He kinda looks like you, Negi-kun!"

"Servants aren't supposed to be 'cute'!" Rin protested, since she had no way of knowing about the current Temptress, or Nursery Rhyme, or the Prisma Caster. "Listen. Vigilantes, much like Assassins, are supposed to act better in secrecy, moving in the shadows, and Berserker was the worst possible kind of adversary for him. What was I supposed to do? Have my Servant killed in the first actual battle of the War? I'd have brought eternal shame to the name of my family, and I only fight here to honor Father's legacy!"

Shirou reached over and placed a hand on Rin's shoulder. "Suddenly, I feel much closer to you, Tohsaka."

"You go, Tohsaka-san!" Negi said, putting a hand on her other shoulder. "Fight to make your father look good!"

They both smiled at her in a beatific, encouraging way.

"I feel like I've just failed at life somehow," Rin said, leaning away from them.

"I once took down an actual kaiju, you know," Vigilante said. "Don't misjudge me because of my size, right, boy?" he added, reaching over to pat Negi's head.

Negi blinked. "Um, yes, you're right, no one should judge others based on their physical appearance, but... I'm not that strong either, so I don't know if I'd be the best point of comparison..."

"Nonsense, I saw the way you fought back there," Vigilante complimented him in a vaguely aloof 'think nothing of it' sort of way, "and you held your own remarkably well, in that you weren't bashed instantly despite getting closer than anyone but Saber. You'd have done well against a weaker enemy."

Negi chuckled, scratching the back of his neck. "Ah, well, thanks, that's high praise indeed, coming from a Legendary Spirit..."

"Well, I've gotta hand it to you, you got yourself a Spirit whose identity nobody could ever learn, Sempai," Chisame told Rin. "I'm trying to think of famous heroes from myth who were ducks, and only drawing blanks."

Kero shrugged from his vantage point on Nodoka's shoulder. "Must be a legendary figure from Mundus Magicus. The humans of this world know next to nothing about the beastmen from that world, although some lore from it will filter through every now and then. Did you guys know Robin Hood was actually a fox?"

"One of them," Rin cautioned, wagging a finger. "It was a collective identity, a legacy passed from one outlaw to another, and not all of them were decent people. Kind of like 'President of the United States."

They all shuddered in horror.

"I'm impressed, I never suspected there'd be so many talking animals," Emiya hummed. "I knew mages turned their criminals into ermines, which I guess is a step up from what magi do to them, but I never imagined there'd be talking ducks, or cats, or plush lions..."

"This is naught but a temporary form," Kero haughtily replied. "Once Nodoka catches all four Elemental Clow Cards, I'll return to my majestic, incredible and powerful awesome true form!"

"Ooooohh, I didn't know that!" Makie said. Then she asked Vigilante, "And how many cards do you need?"

"This is my true form!" the duck protested.

"My court jester was a rabbit," Saber casually supplied. "Resourceful sneaky creature, as well. Defeated the Black Knight and his dragon to retrieve the Singing Sword for us, all on his own, when all of our knights had failed..."

The rest of them stared at her in silence, trying to make sense of what she'd just said. Since none of them could ever imagine the Knights of the Round failing where a rabbit would succeed, her secret was still safe, just as she had expected, and they mostly assumed she was another historical figure from the World of Magic.

"Anyway, Vigilante-san, could you please get off the table already?" Shirou requested of the duck. "Ladies eat there all the time, you know."

Keiichi and Rito shot him an unamused glare over that remark.

Shirou recoiled at the sudden perceived hostility. "Wh-What? I only mean Saber, and Fujimura-sensei, and Sakura, who sometimes comes along to help! What kind of weird ideas are you getting now?!"

"To 'help' with what?" Misa evilly smiled. "Hey, Tohsaka-sempai, that Sakura is your little sister, isn't she? Don't you have anything to say about her spending that time at the house of a young man who lives all alone?"

"... Sakura is old enough already to make her own decisions..." Rin said, voice neutral, seeing the bait and refusing to bite any more than strictly necessary. Vigilante, knowing the realities of the Tohsaka household, heroically held his peace. Sailor Venus, in the meanwhile, chewed on her lower lip tensely, her hand reaching over to grasp Mercury's tightly, making Akira slightly roll her eyes around.

"Okay," Negi said, cutting the teasing before it could get any more distracting, "now that's out of the way and we know of Tohsaka-san and Vigilante-san's nature as Master and Servant, we can fully focus on what's truly important here..."

"Your sister?" Satomi asked him.

"... she couldn't possibly be my sister, although yes, she'll need help to get over that..." Negi patiently answered.

"Your father said– " Chisame began.

"But what I mean," Negi interrupted loudly, "is what are we going to do about this corrupted Holy Grail matter. I trust, Emiya-san, Tohsaka-san, Saber-san, Vigilante-san, you all are willing to reach a truce at least until we can learn what is truly going on here?"

Shirou nodded. "If I could reach a truce with each Master and Servant, that'd be great with me, actually."

 _In a parallel universe where Green Lantern was a ten year old girl, Emiya Shiro, NOT Shirou, sneezed_.

"That'll never happen," Rin sighed, "but yes, I agree it's stupid to fight each other for the sake of a Grail that would only harm us if we get our hands on it. Let's try and get to the bottom of this before deciding on anything else."

 _In a parallel universe where Illya was a Magical Girl, Tohsaka Rin sneezed_.

"That is a fair, smart course of action," Saber nodded. "I agree."

"Okay," Vigilante said, "and how do we get to learn that in the first place? The Grail is unattainable until the Heaven's Feel ritual is completed. Until that point, there's literally no way we can analyze or study it, to see if it's tainted or not. So what can we do?"

"Actually," Negi said, "we could try and find evidence from the Grail's prior manifestation site."

Emiya turned his face towards him, startled. Chisame grimaced. "With that place, you mean... Oh, what the hell!" she complained. "You can't be seriously suggesting we get past the barriers and into Fuyuki City!"

"I'd never dream of dragging you guys along," Negi said, "I'm just saying I could head there on my own and easily locate at least—"

"BY THIS POINT, YOU'RE JUST USING REVERSE PSYCHOLOGY ON US, AREN'T YOU?!" Chisame accused.

"Should I still be here for this?" Ako asked.

* * *

 **Bad End! The Forest of No Return!**

"The Great War is intended to appear in sixty year intervals," Kotomine said. "During each manifestation, no man or woman has proven worthy of controlling its power, and that has led to conflict time and time again. However, the winner of the last War took it even further than anybody else, and because of that, the city of Fuyuki was destroyed. Is that the fate you would, through your inaction, allow to befall Mahora?"

Shirou felt truly sick, a feeling of crushing chill filling his innards. Brief flashes of all consuming fire came to his mind, making him squirm in almost forgotten— but never truly dispelled— pain.

In other words, he was having a Negi Moment.

Tohsaka looked at him with mild concern. "Um, you okay, Emiya-kun? Look, I know this is a lot to take in, why don't you take a seat, I can bring you some wat—"

He gestured at her with a hand to stop talking, then stared into Kirei's even serpentine eyes, his own ablaze. "I'm not letting you trick me into that one. 'My inaction', huh? I'm sure I can do something about this without having to stain my hands with others' blood. I don't know how yet, but I'll find a way. In the meanwhile, I want out of this thing. You said there were ways to do it. So show me."

Kirei paused, studying the boy's expression with a cold, analytical glaze, before shrugging. "I must say I'm disappointed. I truly expected something else from Emiya's on, but that is your own decision to make, boy. Rin? Do you have anything to say on the subject?"

She huffed and looked away. "Why should I care? It was obvious he didn't belong here. I suppose that's for the best."

"So be it then," Kirei said, pulling a leather glove out of his coat and putting it on, wriggling his fingers in a way that unnerved Shirou. "I will plunge into your flesh and rip the Command Seals out..."

"So, the arm's flesh then, right?" Shirou asked with a muted gulp.

"Naturally," Kirei responded, "How else? You can take your hands off your backside, Emiya Shirou, I am not a rapist..."

"I have no idea how they got there," Shirou piously said, holding up the hands that had been shielding his ass from the priest, who then grabbed his arm and viciously ripped into Shirou's skin with his strong, thick fingers, sending blood splattering in all directions. "AAAAAAHHHHHHH! YOU SON OF A—!"

Still waiting outside, Vigilante and Saber blinked under the slowly increasing rain.

The duck looked at the young woman. "Um, I think that was—?"

"Yes," she nodded. "However, I will not enter yet. That's not the scream of someone in mortal peril, but the scream of someone in great but non-life-threatening pain, probably of the anal variety."

Vigilante blinked again. "Um, so then, why wouldn't you—"

"I may dislike many of the darker quirks of the Church's representatives," she stoically said, "but as a defender of the Christian faith, I will not challenge their decisions, for they surely wouldn't go against the Bible's teachings."

"What the—?! Are you even aware of what the Bible has to say on that kind of thing?!"

She shook her head. "During my time, the Church forbade most citizens from reading the Bible in the common languages. And I was raised a squire and took a few too many head injuries that time I was turned into a squirrel; after rising to power, I never had the time to read it either." She looked at him, sort of curiously. "Are you telling me it says anything against the clergy being allowed to debase altar boys and the like?"

Vigilante facepalmed.

"I mean," Saber argued, "your version of the Bible surely cannot compare to ours anyway. Were I to wager, I would bet your Jesus was a literal lamb..."

"Lion, but that's got nothing to do with—!"

"Saber," Shirou said, walking out of the church along witha deadpan, umbrella-holding Rin, "it's done. I've got something important to tell you. I can't be your Master anymore."

"Shirou," she said, turning back to face him, "don't let your heart be troubled. Even if you were just sexually assaulted, that won't decrease my respect and loyalty towards you. As they used to say in my reign, if it's a priest it's okay..."

"Wha— NO! It wasn't like that!" he screamed, then paused. "... although I'm not exactly sure on you just said, but no, it's not that!" He held up the arm and hand that had formerly flaunted the proof of their Contract, and told her, "I got the supervisor to take my Command Seals away, so you can go and find yourself a better Master, someone who won't be as much of a hindrance to you."

"I see..." Saber nodded thoughtfully, then looked at a passing field mouse and pointed at it. "How about that one?"

"Dammit, Saber!" Shirou cried. "I'm doing this for your sake too, you don't have to be that way!"

"I think the mouse's a fine choice, yeah," Vigilante nodded at Saber. "Did you see those shiny eyes? Full of intelligence and sharp instincts, unlike—!"

"Okay, I got it, I'm worse than a mouse because I didn't let Saber stab you through, happy now?!" Shirou tossed his hands up. "Geez, some heroes you were!"

"... Very well, I'm sorry, Shirou," Saber said. "I understand you have your reasons, that not everyone is fit for the path of a warrior, and I will not hold this monumental waste of my time against you or your memory."

"So, um, no hard feelings, right?" Shirou asked. "We can be friends despite it all, can't we? M-Maybe we could go out for a latte someday, and share a few stories on what's been going on, you know, just like old housemates do..."

"Assuming I have found myself a new Master before the two hours left to me before disappearing are up, I will think about it, yes," Saber nodded. "I'm sure the boiling murderous rage I am feeling right now under my cold, controlled surface will have subsided by then. Now, where to find a new Master..."

"Hired!" Rin said, shaking her hand.

Saber nodded and shook her hand back. "Thank you, Master. Now, could we celebrate the start of this union by going for some hamburgers...?"

* * *

The rainstorm that had been hitting Honnouji had eventually extended itself across the whole area of the Four Schools, gigantic black clouds spreading southward. By the time Negi's Ala Alba left Evangeline's cabin after another subjective day and objective hour of stay there, Chachamaru had to distribute spare umbrellas among them again.

And once again, Eva had complained, grunting about why they couldn't start bringing their own umbrellas already, and harshly reminding them she wanted them back— the umbrellas, not necessarily the teammates—tomorrow in as good a shape as she'd handed them over. If not better. But that was behind them now, as were Eva's cabin itself and its inhabitants, as they were about to reach the female dormitories.

Rito and Lala were still with them since their house was further down the campus, and so other than the members who were currently out of town, it was a full membership of Ala Alba who ran across of—

"Tohsaka-san?"

The girl was not one Negi was too familiar with, but he'd made a point of learning the names and faces of as many students all across the schools as he could, and he'd remember this one well because of her last name, and what it meant for the whole magical community. Recent experiences had only reinforced that importance.

"Oh, Negi-sensei!" the high school student casually greeted, squinting at him and his companions through the heavy curtain of constantly falling icy water. "And what are you doing out here under this rain, hmmm?"

She was not alone, Negi realized, for there was another female standing closely behind the young woman. One mostly wrapped in a concealing, gray long overcoat, with a blue baseball hat obscuring most of her features. For some reason, a lock of hair was sticking through it. Somehow. The rain did not seem to be bothering her at all, as she just stood there making no effort to protect herself from it.

Truth be told, so much of her was hidden from sight Negi himself, months ago, wouldn't have been able to tell at first if that person happened to be male or female. But close constant contact with large numbers of females had sharpened such perceptions of his more than he'd care to admit or even acknowledge.

Rito, who was also far more familiar with details of feminine anatomy of late through repeated close exposure, knew it immediately as well, and so took a cautious step back, wanting to lessen the chances of slipping on a puddle and landing on that stranger or that famous Sempai with the twintails as much as he could.

The woman with the delicate, beautiful half-obscured features kept on looking sharply, emotionlessly at them with her piercing green eyes while Tohsaka Rin answered with an elegant, carefree chuckle. The blonde seemed to be analyzing each one of them in much the same way Setsuna would do to incoming large groups of strangers while walking down the street. "Oh, yes, this must look mighty suspicious for you, right? Sorry, you'll see, we are coming back from the church just now."

"The church, right!" Sakurako giggled secretively, leaning closer to Madoka and Misa. "Like that excuse ever works!"

Misa frowned. "Are you telling us that Sempai and that chick are—?" she asked in an even lower whisper.

Sakurako smirked mischievously. "It takes one to know one, Misa-chan!"

"The church?" Negi blinked at Tohsaka. "You mean—"

Rin held a hand up to get him stop asking, then asked gently in turn, "Negi-sensei, this might sound strange to you, but I must ask you something. I have a dear pet I've got to get rid of, but I want to leave it in the best possible hands first. So, how do you feel about ducks?"

"HEEEEYY!" Vigilante's voice protested.

Satomi was looking in all directions. "How weird, for a second I felt like something was missing from this scene. Like, something from a deja vu of sorts that doesn't quite match, although that's of course technically—"

"You mean," Matoi asked, "like someone else talking with the same annoying Kadowaki Mai-esque voice as you? If you ask me, that's for the best..."

"I just find horrribly unsettling you and I could have been thinking of the same basic thing," a glasses-obscured Satomi bluntly told her.

* * *

 _Several city blocks away, in a much more deserted street..._

"I had been waiting for this moment, and it was about time!" the tiny, pale person sitting atop the muscular, shirtless giant with grayish skin and red eyes that almost seemed to glow said, loud and clear. Neither of them seemed upset in the slightest by the intense rain either. "For my wayward big brother to come exactly my way, so I could introduce myself properly! Good afternoon, Onii-chan, how do you do!"

She tilted ahead just a bit, perfect, tiny white teeth glinting or at least giving the illusion of it, her diminutive hands wrangled into the thick, messy black locks of her ride's long hair. Violet eyes feasting on the sights before her. Anticipating what there was to come.

"Your big sister's here," she said. "Your Illya-chan!"

The man was truly gigantic, a mass of grotesque muscle wielding a massive slab of rock that was to the sword what the rock is to the bullet. It was easily twice as big as Illya herself. He definitely gave a matching sense of threat and undiluted power, enough as to make Emiya freeze in place where he stood.

And that was where the man's titanic weapon brutally slammed down on him a moment later.

* * *

"Something wrong, Archer-san?" Tokiha Mai asked, briefly stopping as she placed the plates on the dinner table for herself, Anthy, Chu-Chu, Archer, and the hungrily drooling, bright-eyed Mikoto.

The dark skinned Servant (no, not Anthy, that's racist, what's wrong with you?) pondered something for a moment, looking slightly troubled, before simply smiling in a way that felt more genuine than anything Mai had ever seen from him before. He pleasantly tilted his head towards the window of the dining room and looked into the rainstorm.

"Actually, Mai-san," he honestly replied, "for some reason, I feel better than ever!"

* * *

 _Several weeks later..._

"So, if we're going to make this work, dear brother," the contrite Illya said, respectfully presenting him with a large pod or capsule hidden under a thick, regal white blanket made of a fine, expensive cloth, probably ermine, much to Negi and specially Chamo's growing discomfort, "I have something else I must confess to you. I think Illya-chan's been a naughty girl since she arrived in Mahora, sorry..."

Negi frowned in concern as he looked at her, who simply poked the tip of her tongue out cutely, bopping herself on the head with a tiny fist. "Well," he said after some careful consideration, "I'm sure it can't be any worse than what Chao-san did, so there shouldn't be any—" Then, as he pulled the cloth from the container, he and Chamo gasped in terror at what he'd just uncovered. Inside of the formerly hidden object, now revealed as a sealed, tall glass jar filled with a clear bubbling liquid, there was the red-haired severed head of a certain young man Negi knew, even if not personally, then at least because of his father's reputation.

The thing that had been Emiya Shirou opened a swollen eye and looked up at him. "Oh," it said. "You, you're Negi-sensei, aren't you? Sorry, my memory isn't what it used to be..."

Negi shrieked and dropped the jar on Illya's ancient carpet.

Chamo stared for a moment. "So, you're as bad as Rin-Sis at transferring magic to other people."

* * *

 **Taiga Dojoooooo!**

"So there you have it!" Fujimura Taiga-sensei, in fully kendo regalia, vigorously slammed her boken on the dojo's wooden floor. "In a courageous shounen story like this, choosing the wrong, cowardly alternatives will lead you directly to a Bad End like the one we've just seen! Once that happens, you have no choice but to grab the Cassiopeia, turn time back, and start again from the beginning!"

"I feel bad for Emiya-san, however, since that's not how he'd actually act. He's usually much braver than that," Negi lamented, wearing a richer and sexier variation of his Mahorafest kitsune girl costume that made him look like a loli Tamamo-No-Mae, complete with pink wig. Fortunately for him, the tails wee attached tot he costume and not stuck up his butt. "Just as stupid, but braver. It's wrong to have him dying that cruelly after being forced to act so wildly out of character. It's like what we did to Itou Makoto-san, did you know the real Bad Ends in School Days are actually a minori—"

"Nonsense, Itou-kun deserved what he got!" Taiga said, waving a hand. "Besides, Shirou didn't die anyway!"

"He did when I dropped it, actually," Negi miserably confessed.

"Oh my God, you killed Shirou!" Taiga pointed at him and yelled. "You bastard! You aren't human!"

Negi blinked. "Hm? Oh, no, I think you're getting that wrong, I'm still a human, I believe you mean what happens after I learn Magia Er—"

"Oh, yeah, that reminds me!" Taiga turned back to the audience. "Now, while courage and the occasional insane suicidal decision are necessary to follow this story, you can't go overboard with the stupid Hero Complex martyrdom either! Otherwise, you'll end up with the worst Bad End of all!" she said this while using a long-armed pair of clamps to hold up a copy of UQ Holder Volume 1 (lest she become infected by it) and shaking it angrily. "So remember! Moderation is the key, never resort to extremes!"

"So you mean I shouldn't learn Magia Erebea?! Or become a cool tragic fallen hero with a lot of angst and edge like Father?!" Negi gasped. "I won't stand for— I mean, the fans would riot! That's what they're expecting to see eventually! You can't just decide that on your own out of the blue!"

Taiga shrugged. "Which fans? Other than the story editor, who follows this crap anymore? We lost all our casual readers when we inexplicably ended URAE and stared on a 'sequel' that had no simple starting point for new readers to ease into."

"... you're cruel, Fujimura-sensei. So, can I take this costume off already or—"

"Of course not, since I'm cruel! You only can take it off when it's time for the next chapter! See you then, dear single reader!"

"Eh?! You mean I'm stuck wearing this until then?! I'd rather become the Mage of the Beginning!"

Wordlessly, Taiga held up some pale makeup. It glittered ominously.

"On second thought, being a foxboy is fine."

"Foxgirl."

"Can't I retain that last bit of dignity?"

"No. If you're going to be replacing our fuckable legal loli, you need to have even more appeal and fuckability!"

* * *

 **Epilogue! What did Chamo mean with that, anyway?**

"I should warn you," Rin said, voice filled with shame and doubt, "I'm not very good at... these things..."

"I figured as much, but until Negi-sensei and Master come back, you are still the most qualified person for this... Just do it gently please, and everything should work correctly..."

"D-Don't say it like that...! You're making it sound so casual...!"

"Please, Sempai, I need it...! It's not complicated. Just… just j-j-jam it in, and then turn it as far as you can...!"

"Okay, I'll do it, but I make no guarantees it'll end up okay! Here it goes...!"

"Aaaaaannnhhhhhh! I'm breaking! I'm going to break!"

* * *

"I tried to warn her I wasn't good at it! At handling technology, I mean!" Rin frantically tried to explain herself to the fiercely scowling Evangeline and horrified Negi, holding Chachamaru's head in her hands. "It… she can be fixed, right? I mean, look, she can still talk!"

"I have no regrets," Chachamaru's head said, strangely spaced out and with an odd lingering smile.

"Okay," Eva sighed, rubbing two fingers on her forehead, "but why did you feel the need to strip naked for something as simple as turning her key?"

"W-Well, I don't know about you mages, but that's the way WE, the magi, recharge our servants!"

"Dolphins… " Chachamaru's severed head kept on babbling. "Dolphins EVERYWHERE! Magic transfer dolphins!"

"Y-you're not going to hurt me, are you?" Rin asked nervously.

"I'm not sure," Evangeline said. "It'll depend on whether they'll be enough molecules of you to do anything to once her mothers are done to you."

* * *

 **Next: Artoria Pendragon**.


	2. Artoria Pendragon

Akamatsu Ken and Kodansha created and own _Mahou Sensei Negima!_

Nasu Kinoko and Type-Moon created and own _Fate/Stay Night_.

We make no money from the creation of this fanfiction piece.

* * *

 **Fate: Unequally Blade Works.**

 **Chapter Two: Artoria Pendragon.**

* * *

 **By OverMaster and Shadow Crystal M** **age** _ **.**_

* * *

"I have a question, and that question is very important," Haruna suddenly said, and the air around the table grew chilly with the strange, almost ominous, seriousness of her tone.

"What is it?" Rin asked.

"What would happen if a Master and their Servant were to make a Pactio?" Haruna eagerly asked.

Everyone but Rin, Lala, Saber, Nodoka and Yue facefaulted to the floor. Nodoka and Yue briefly exchanged faint, knowing smiles, the kind two people who are experienced at something give when a noob shows ignorance on how a given subject works.

"Saotome, I mean this in the most insulting possible way," Chisame said as she straightened. "You're acting just like Chamo."

Rin blinked, then asked, "By 'Pactio', you mean one of those contracts mages resort to so they can have sidekicks to protect them, right? That 'make a contract with me and be my fight-slave forever, eternally going into battle without reward thanks to the fact I have a small talking animal with me'?" She ignored the way Makie shook and trembled with every word, clutching a concerned Sailor Mercury tighter and tighter. "Well, I'm no expert at your variety of magecraft, but—"

"Wizardry!" Negi protested, climbing back to his chair.

 _"Sidekicks?!"_ an indignant Chisame added, working back to the chair next to Negi's.

"It's been done before, at least once," Rin continued, undeterred and, if anything, even smirking now. "During the Third Grail War, the representatives of the Edelfelt Clan, two conniving, backstabbing, cowardly and ugly inferior magi, resorted to combining strategies of mages and magi in a desperate attempt to overcome their shortcomings. So they made Provisional Alliances with their respective Servants of the Saber class."

"And what happened?" Sora asked.

"Well, they still lost, because the Edelfelts are incompetent at everything they do," Rin easily said.

"Wasn't one of those people one of your relatives? Married into your family because her sister ditched her?" Vigilante said. "I remember your sister telling me about it."

"ANYWAY!" Rin interrupted. "The records show the Sabers didn't gain any Artifacts like yours, if that's what you were wondering. The capacity of a Heroic Spirit is already far above that of most modern magi, so it's not like a Provisional Alliance could give them any power that was better than anything they already had. However, there was an added advantage they gained," Rin admitted. "It seems, through a Pactio, a Servant can gain the ability to summon their Noble Phantasm without actually proclaiming their name, just by shouting the generic _'Adeat!'_ activation word that is the standard for Ministra Magi."

"Are you serious?" an interested Saber raised an eyebrow. "That seems quite a boon for the battlefield. A Servant who can use their trump card without revealing their weaknesses would be left in quite the advantageous position."

"I said 'summon', Saber," Rin said. "As in, make appear in their hands. The Sabers they summoned where somehow lucky enough to have a Noble Phantasm that was constantly passively active, so they just needed to have it. My ancestor– "

"The one who eventually married one of the Edelfelts?" Vigilante said.

"ANYWAY!" Rin said. "She said that she suspected the bells in the Sabers hair was the real Noble Phantasm, given how they seemed to survive so much damage."

"Wait, **_she?_** " Shirou said, shocked.

"What, you have something against gay people, Emiya?" Rin said challengingly. "Surely you've wondered why we don't have the Edelfelt's hereditary attribute that allowed for two carriers of a thaumaturgical crest in each generation?"

"Uh, no, not really," Shirou said.

Rin made a strangled sound. "Magic is wasted on you, Emiya-kun."

"It's still an advantage in the event a Servant is somehow separated from their Noble Phantasm," the impressed Negi nodded. "You'd think Magi would do it more often, then..."

Rin almost grimaced. "W-Well, you know most magi are reluctant to embrace the ways of the mages, and viceversa..."

"So magi would rather risking to lose than taking a page from the mages' rulebook?" Chisame asked.

"The same thing applies to mages in regards to us!" Rin protested. "Look, I don't want to sound prejudiced, because I really am not—!"

"Right," Misa said.

"Right!" Rin growled. "But the point stands, mages are mages and magi are magi, and everyone's better left doing what they do without bothering the other faction! Mixing different types of magecraft like that is dangerous!"

"Wizardry," Negi quietly insisted.

"I still think it's all the same!" Makie whined, tossing her hands up. "You guys sound like you just want to have petty fights with each other because each side wants to label their magic differently despite both being the same!"

Rin and Negi gave her a very jaded look, glanced at each other and rolled their eyes. "Mundanes," they both said in an exasperated voice.

"See, even your reactions are the same!" Makie accused.

"Come on now, Tohsaka, Sensei," Shirou intervened to placate them, "I know magi and mages aren't the same, but anyway, I'm sure common ground can be found between us, right? I know we could learn a lot from each other, that's what Dad used to tell me, and if we only were to listen and pay attention, maybe we could even come together to develop new, better kinds of magic to help others with!" He paused.

Rin huffed, tapping her fingers on the table. "Well, that's what the three families who created the Grail thought, and look where that took us!"

"Just because others have misused the power and strayed away from their good intentions, it doesn't mean everyone will, Tohsaka," Saber calmly replied. "While Shirou's outlook is too optimistic, short-sighted, naïve, pink-haired, childish, silly, youthful, dense, and banna-shaped, yours seems to be too cynical instead. Personally, I think these venues of experimentation are worth exploring as long as it is done carefully."

"Uh, yeah, well, that's what I mean, too!" her Master nodded. "Which is why—"

"Which is why I would be willing to establish one of these 'Pactios' with Shirou in return for that boon in the battlefield," Saber matter-of-factly stated.

"Yeah, that sounds like a good _WHAAAAAAAT?!_ " Shirou leapt off his chair.

"Look at it this way, sempai," Matoi said, patting Shirou reassuringly on the leg. "Today a Pactio, tomorrow fellatio!"

* * *

"I… I'm not sure that's such a good idea, Saber," Shirou said, sheepishly rubbing the back of his head. "From what I've heard, a Pactio is a huge thing, not to be done lightly. It's a link meant to bring Magister and Ministra together forever, like, um, marriage…?"

"Um, well," Negi said, "not so much with Provisional Alliances. That is why they're _provisional_ …"

"So it's like dating," Matoi said. "Which still allows for option of fellatio, so good for you, sempai!"

"Whose side are you on?" Rin said flatly.

"What? Just because Emiya-sempai is my ex is no reason for me to not want him to find the same happiness that I've found," Matoi said beatifically.

"You can go back," Chisame said. "Go ahead, feel free."

"Oh Chisame-sama, you kidder. Is all this talk of fellatio making you uncomfortable? Don't worry, I assure you if you had one, I'd perform fellatio of y– " which was as far as Matoi got before a sighing Hakase slapped a hand over her mouth. The two glared at each other.

"Although," Itoshiki cautioned, "Provisional Alliances are not the actual way Pactios are supposed to be established. If anything they're a corruption for convenience of the actually intended, grave meaning of such a blessed union. I'm in mildly despair, in hindsight. Being reminded of how easily that valuable, life changing tool of wizardly magic has shifted into a lesser bond by those looking to make quick money from more Pactio contracts in a shorter time has left me in mild despair," he casually commented before reaching for a glass of water.

"If you're afraid of tying your fate to mine, Shirou, let your spirit rest at ease," Saber told him. "One way or another, I will be gone by this War's conclusion, to never bother you again. Whether I reach the Grail and get to ask for my wish's completion or whether I destroy it to be left forever unfulfilled, our acquaintance will be a brief one."

Shirou made a face. "Is that supposed to be making me feel any better? Because it doesn't!"

"Gee, I mean, Saber-san," Makie said. "You're even worse at this whole self-putdown thing than Negi-kun is! And he's British! You're beating a Brit at being self-depreciation!"

For some reason, that made Saber let out a small, very strange smile.

"Although not as good as Despair-sense or Kaga-sempai," Yuuna added. "No matter how ancient you were, you still were born 100 years too late for that."

"That is true," Itoshiki nodded sagely.

"Ah, I'm sorry," Ai said. "I'm sorry for surpassing you! I didn't mean to! And I'm sorry for reminding people my unworthy self was here! I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"

"Either way, I'm willing to risk myself, both here and in the field of honor, for the sake of victory," Saber said. "What is required to make these 'Alliances' work?"

Merlin had, more than once, pestered her about doing something called a 'Pactio' with Guinevere, but it had sounded like just more of the old man's folly, so Artoria had always excused herself away before he could finish his explanations. In hindsight, perhaps she should have listened to him then, but then again, her whole wish was spurred by all of the regrets from her past, was not it?

"Well," Kerberos reluctantly said, "there are pactios that can be done through an equivalent exchange of vital fluids like blood, but that should be out of the question in this case. There's no way that anything good could happen if your blood was pumped into Emiya-san's body…"

All who had experienced a Pactio before briefly tilted their heads and imagined that outcome.

* * *

 **BAD END # 2:**

And then Emiya's head exploded like a bursting balloon, showering everyone around him with gore. Ako made the longest scream ever and fainted while convulsing violently.

Saber calmly looked back at Rin. "I'll take your contract, and we're trying the kiss instead."

* * *

Everyone, especially Ako, shuddered after the shared mental image was over.

"No," Shirou said upon some consideration, blissfully unaware of the group mental image. "No blood. It sounds distressingly vampiric."

"Well, there are other fluids. Uh, semen also–"

With lightning-fast movements, Yue grabbed Kero and stuffed a juice carton in his mouth.

"What was that?" Haruna said, grinning. "I thought I heard something interesting!"

"It was just your imagination," Yue said blandly.

"But– "

Lala, for once sensing the mood, grabbed Haruna and stuffed the end of her tail into the mangaka's mouth, shuddering cutely at the contact. Haruna, after a moment, contented herself with sucking on Lala's tail.

Kero bit down on the carton, sucked up all the juice and spat out the empty cardboard container. "Y-You could also try exchanging valuable relics blessed by holy power, but again, that requires an equivalent trade, and I doubt Emiya-kun has anything as valuable as the relics a Heroic Spirit would own. That only leaves us with the kind of contract Albert Chamomile favors," he said, sharing a sneer with Artemis and Chisame.

"Who is Albert Chamomile?" Saber asked.

"My familiar, currently in CLAMP Gakuen helping Goodman-san and Sakura-san run an errant," Negi informed. "He's arranged for each Provisional Alliance I've ever had."

"And… how many are those, anyway?" Shirou asked.

Without a word, Chisame, Sora, Misa, Sakurako, Madoka, Misora, Cocone, Satomi, Ayaka, Haruna and Yuuna all held their Pactio cards up, Ayaka and Paru proudly smiling from ear to ear as they did so. "Plus four more girls who are out of campus for the weekend, including the Headmaster's grandaughter, "Rito supplied.

Saber merely raised an eyebrow as Vigilante choked loudly in his own tongue, taking both hands to his throat. Shirou paled and boggled, while Rin gasped, "What the hell, Sensei, that many?! And how old are you, nine?! The rumors were wrong then, Yuuki-san isn't the Perverted Beast, YOU are!"

"Finally, someone gets it!" Rito sobbed with an angelical smile. "Thank you, Tohsaka-san!"

"Get away from me you pervert," Rin said, leaning back. Rito sighed, but was still happy at losing the position of 'Perverted Beast', so he didn't mind.

"… I'm so sorry…" Negi lowered his head, shrinking in his chair, and looking extremely adorable and vulnerable.

"That's him going into his 'I didn't mean to, feel sorry for me, be my next Ministra' mode," Rito informed Saber and Rin.

"Rito-chan!" Haruna scolded him.

"I see," Saber said. "Well, I suppose any magic user who aspires to great renown would desire to follow the path of Solomon, King of Magic, he who held one thousand wives, so while I cannot praise the Professor's behavior, I will not punish it either. So, from the context of Tohsaka's scandalized reaction, I assume these 'Pactios' involved sexual contact of some kind…?"

"S-S-Sexual?!" Negi screamed. "No, no, you got it all wrong! It's only a kiss, just that, a kiss!"

And interesting look came over Chisame's face. It had parts of dawning horror, parts of utter terror, parts of oncoming hysteria and parts of curious arousal, among others. "How the hell do you know what that word means?!" she choked.

"Sex is for the Permanent stage of the Pactio," Kero elaborated.

"Is that all?" Saber asked. "Well, since I won't be spending long around Shirou, a Permanent Alliance is meaningless. I fail to see what the dramatic relevance of kissing a weapon is. We would often do it before heading into the field of battle, to invoke Lady Luck upon them…"

"Kissing a weapon?" Madoka doubted. "Is that what you called fellatio back then?"

"Would you all please get over that?!" Chisame cried.

Saber nodded. "I am not a human being, I am neither woman nor man. Think of me as nothing but a tool, an instrument for warfare. That is the nature of a Servant. It is foolish to think of us as equals, even if we deserve the same respect you should give the weaponry that keeps your life safe. It is even greater folly to fall in love with a Servant, a passing shadow that will be gone by the morning, and likewise for a Servant to love the Master beyond the bond between two soldiers in the middle of the carnage. Shirou understands that, which is why he won't object to something as trivial as a kiss made in the mere interests of gaining the edge Tohsaka helpfully described to us."

"Uh, duh, well, ah, you'll see, I, am, ummm, hmmm," Shirou said.

"I'm not helping you, you're still my enemies, I'm just saying this for the benefit of the civilians who got themselves involved in something that threatens their lives!" Rin denied.

Lala blinked. "And how does any of that 'how to raise your Servant' information help us at all…?"

Chisame merely nodded in approval at Rin's dedication to the Way of the Tsundere.

Sakurako chuckled, looking at Madoka and Misa. "This girl will love Setsuna, I'm so sure…!"

"Oh, for real," Madoka agreed. "That whole 'I'm nothing but a weapon, I could never love my Master' spiel? Wish I could've recorded it to—"

"Way ahead of you like always," Misa grinned, holding up her cellphone. "Just wait 'til Setchan hears it, it's gonna be a blast…!"

* * *

 **How to be a Perfect Homemaker.**

Tohsaka Sakura put her umbrella aside, took her shoes off, and sighed as she walked into the old house.

"Well," she said to herself as she took her overcoat off, neatly hanging it by the lamp. "Time to get dinner ready for when Neesan and Vigilante-san get back..."

She rolled her sleeves up, drew a deep breath in, marched into the kitchen...

... then opened a kitchen drawer, pulled a set of paper dolls of herself, quickly wrote on them, and clapped for them. "Okay, girls, wake up, time to work! Tonight's menu is grilled catfish with a Ceasar salad, and pudding for the dessert! It'lll be handled by Passionlip and Meltlilith! Violet and Kingprotea will wash the clothes! As for you, Kazuradrop, you're cleaning the floors today! You're all okay with these arrangements, right?!"

The five Chibi Sakuras with cartoonishly huge breasts (except for the one who was flat as a plank) rose from the table, floated before their Master, and saluted her, "Yes, Sakura-sama, yes, Ma'am!" before diligently flying away to fulfill their duties.

Sakuta exhaled pleasantly, nodded to herself in satisfaction at a well done job, walked back into the living room, dropped on the couch, turned the TV on, and began watching the soap opera.

 _"Today, in 'Sakura, Episode 257'...When we last left our heroine, she had come to terms with having a sexual relationship with her sister. However, a mysterious blonde foreigner with a dark past enters!"_

She sighed happily to herself. Good, she had made it back in time! As much as she hated leaving Nee-san and Vigilante-san and Sempai and even Saber-san behind like that, well, there had been no way she would miss it, not even for them!

She was a Tohsaka, after all. She couldn't program the darn Blu-ray recorder any better than Rin could.

* * *

 _The next day, this happened:_

Emiya Shirou didn't like to think of himself as a lucky or unlucky man. He didn't like thinking of luck as an important factor in people's lives, actually. His policy was one of 'If handed lemons, make lemonade', and he tried to live life according to it. Anyone who knew him, even his most acerbic detractors, would admit he was a hard worker and left nothing to chance; while no genius or outstanding academic achiever, he was fairly studious and got slightly above average grades, even if his knowledge before what was strictly asked from it— whether in the fields of mundane or magical education—was still sorely lacking. But that was mostly because he spent too long working hard to indulge any thirst for knowledge he didn't have anyway.

Artoria Pendragon was not a woman—or, for a brief while, bird, squirrel or hermaphrodite, but had been so long ago!—who left things to luck or chance either. Which was probably for the best as her luck tended to be rotten, no matter what her stats sheet might say. She'd work thrice as hard as Shirou, ever since her days as a squire in Sir Ector's castle, and would never complain unless she thought she was being denied the fair results of her hard work. She despised shortcuts and liked doing things the hard, honorable way, the better to taste the fruits of her effort. That had brought her no small amount of friction with her Master in the Fourth Grail War, Emiya Kiritsugu , Shirou's future foster father, a man who had no pride, but had he ever had one, would have prided himself in being pragmatic and always taking the quickest and safest available way.

Not that it mattered that much either at the end of the day, since his luck was even worse than Saber's.  
So we have established Shirou and Artoria, better known right now as Servant Saber, were both stubborn hard workers who spared no expense in their drive and will to get things done. And they wouldn't resort to cheap advantages, even to make up for their shortcomings, when they could overwhelm them through their own determination and Hot Bloodedness. And yet, as of now, Saber couldn't help wondering if something had rubbed off from Kiritsugu on both of them through their association with him.

An outsider would have said their brains had finally started working, but whatever.

Saber supposed she shouldn't complain, since after all this had technically been her idea. It had just seemed fair, that since Shirou's bad form as a magus and Master had harmed her skillset, power and performance so much since summoning her, he should repay her in some way (the food he'd cooked didn't count). That had made sense when she first heard of the Pactio System, other than those vague teasing Merlin had babbled about so many centuries ago. Shirou would pull his weight in their relationship as Master and Servant without needing to idiotically put himself into harm's way as he was prone to do, and hopefully this would help his hopeless Martyr Complex enough, by reassuring him he could be of help even if he couldn't fight along Saber herself.

Yeah, well, okay. But Saber had no way of knowing it wouldn't. She hadn't known Shirou for that long yet, after all, and was vastly underestimating him.

They stood on top of a mound of dirt, at an empty lot under a huge, colorful billboard promising the upcoming arrival of a Lex Mall onto such premises; hardly the epic scenery fit for a life changing new bold step in the existence of a Heroic Spirit, but it would have to do. Next to them stood waiting the little boy, the little boy's ermine familiar, the girl with glasses and a ponytail, and the smaller, bespectacled girl who always seemed to wear an open labcoat over her clothes.

Oh, and the girl with short black hair who always hung close behind the girl with the ponytail, of course. Honestly, sometimes it was easy to forget her presence. She'd have made for an excellent Assassin.

Finally, the other three arrived, although they had been waiting for five instead. There was a very short and young looking girl with long golden hair and aloof, cold green eyes who gave Saber pause due to her strange aura of subtle mystery and veiled threat. There also was a much taller girl with long light green hair and strange metallic protuberances coming out of her head. And finally, there was a smiling beautiful young woman with mismatched eyes, long reddish hair in twin tails, and tiny golden bells keeping the tails in place.

"Ah, good afternoon!" Negi-sensei, the small boy in the dark green suit, waved at them before introducing them. "Saber-san, Emiya-san, these are a few clubmates of ours you couldn't meet the other day. Evangeline McDowell-san is teaching me wizardry…"

"Black magic," Evangeline corrected him, giving Saber calculating glare that made the warrior uneasy.  
Negi kept on talking, undeterred. "Karakuri Chachamaru-san is Evangeline-san's personal assistant and valet, and Kagurazaka Asuna is one of our strongest fighters and, um, moral lynchpins."

"That means I'm the one who keeps the grabby girls outta Negi's hair when Chisame's not around," Asuna said before reaching out to vigorously shake Artoria's hand. "How do you do, Saber-san, right? Pleased to meetcha! I hope you didn't get a wrong impression of us from Iinchou and the others!"

"Asuna-san, where are Konoka-san and Setsuna-san?" Negi asked. "I thought they'd be coming too…"

Asuna shrugged. "Setsuna-san began saying this was too dangerous and she just wouldn't let it go, so Konoka ended up relenting and letting her have her way this once. You know how Setsuna-san can get."

"An overly protective type, I assume?" Saber calmly inquired.

"A knight in shining armor protecting her Queen," the one named Evangeline chuckled while Chachamaru bowed deeply to Saber, who scowled slightly at the perceived mockery in the blonde's speech. "So, this is a Servant. I was already trapped in Mahora by the time the Fourth War destroyed Fuyuki, but I got to see a bit of the tail end of the Third War."

"What?" Shirou blinked. "From what I understand, the Third Grail War would have been—"

"It took place during the Second World War. Didn't Boya tell you I'm a Shinso, a daywalking vampire?" Evangeline asked him. "I'm more than seven hundred years old, and I got to meet pretty much everyone who was of any importance during those centuries." At that, she gave Saber a half-disdainful, half-respectful look. "I don't recognize you, however, so I reckon your pedigree must be ancient indeed."

"If you say so," Saber said non-commitally.

Evangeline hummed, looking up and down at her, and ignoring the perplexed way Shirou still was looking at her in turn. "Your face still looks sort of familiar, in any case, but I must be remembering one of your descendants. It doesn't matter. Now that we're here, we can start, despite the absence of our healer. I don't foresee any accidents, and even if they happen, Boya always can summon Konoe to his side. Now let's get this show on the road, I want to see what happens!"

* * *

Artoria smiled faintly to herself as she saw Negi-sensei's familiar quickly work on drawing the glowing, rune covered circle on the ground with a diligence that didn't seem to fit his small size. For some reason, everybody in the boy's party but Negi-sensei himself seemed to have nothing but hatred or contempt for him, but she couldn't help liking the little creature. She reminded her both of Merlin's animals and of Agravain, the partner nobody but her liked and yet was necessary to hold the team together.

"Well, it's ready," he proudly sat while sitting on the now completed circle. "So step in, Negi-Bro, Saber-neesama!"

"Nice try, Chamo-kun," Negi said with a saintly smile.

The ermine pouted. "Aw, c'mon! You're a much more experienced magic user than this boy is! I'm not even asking for Saber-neesama to be your Servant, but it's obvious you'd be a better Magister!"

"So you're advocating for a woman to cheat on her already established boyfriend?" Evangeline smirked. "Shame on you, vermin!"

"Sh-She isn't my girlfriend!" Shirou gasped. "W-we're just Master and Servant! I-it isn't as if I l-like her or anything!"

Saber nodded in agreement of this perfectly obvious fact. Everyone else, however, just gave him a penetrating look.

"It sounds so weird when a guy says it," Chisame muttered.

"I see," Evangeline idly looked at her fingernails. "So you haven't even kissed, is that right?"

"Right," Shirou revealed.

"And I'll bet this is even your first kiss, as well," the vampire added.

"Yup," Matoi confirmed.

"S-So what if it is?!"

Evangeline guffawed. "Oh, this is rich! Sixteen and never been kissed, in today's world! Hell, even in mine, you'd be married with two children already! Living in your old man's large house, an expert cook from what I've heard... That's it, you're growing up to be an old spinster! You'd better start picking up cats and raising them already!"

"There's nothing wrong with taking care of a lot of kittens..." Chachamaru quietly observed. "That said, there is something embarrassing about being a crazy cat man in your teens."

As Shirou fumed, Saber calmly said, "If Shirou's unwilling because of his moral qualms and the special quality his first kiss should have, then I'd gladly establish this step with Professor Negi instead..."

"What?-!" Chisame yelled.

"What...!" Shirou echoed. "N-No! I'll do it myself!" he decided, wiping his lips with the back of his hand. "This, this is something I must do!"

"Good. So do it, then," Evangeline approved, ignoring Chachamaru's subtle sigh of great relief from right behind her.  
"Because I can't allow for a little boy to keep getting further corrupted..."

"Nice, then do it!" Eva urged.

"I didn't feel any worse a person than before kissing Chisame and the others, but..." Negi began, then realized saying that much had probably been a very bad idea.

* * *

Now Saber and Shirou stood face to face on the still hardly-epic hill of dirt, so close they could feel each other's breath on their features, but they weren't moving past that point yet. In Shirou's case, it mostly was because of a question suddenly gripping him. Were Servants supposed to breathe? They were, after all, basically ghosts who could assume physical forms, and Saber was living proof they could eat, and how, but even so… ghosts. Did they breathe while in their noncorporeal forms? Saber couldn't answer that because apparently she didn't have one for some reason, but maybe Shirou should ask Tohsaka's Servant next time they saw him.

And what about Judge? He sure didn't seem to have any lungs in that bony chest cage of his, so…

"Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!" Evangeline, Matoi and Asuna were chanting together, holding their cellphone cameras next to each other while Chisame and Negi sweatdropped and Chachamaru, Chamo and Hakase looked mostly apathetic about the whole thing. "Kiss! Kiss!"

Saber interrupted Shirou's ruminations by placing a hand on his face and shouting at the three protesters, "P-Please be quiet! It's difficult for me to do this to one as young as Shirou! I feel like I'm taking advantage of his innocence!"

"Oh, but you were going to kiss Negi like five minutes ago," Chisame reminded her.

"The boy who's already kissed fifteen different girls by your own admission!" Saber reminded her in turn.  
"Seventeen, actually," Negi reminisced. "Makie-san kissed me once during the trip to Kyoto, even though no Pactio was involved. And, of course, my sister Nekane has kissed me a few times, although—"

"That doesn't matter right now!" Saber argued. "What matters is I have just found I feel uncomfortable doing it to someone as young as him!"

"What age were you when you died anyway?" Satomi asked. "You don't look any older than fifteen… You literally look almost the same age as Emiya-sempai!"

"Mmm mmmphhh mmmnnn mmmphhh," Shirou opined between Saber's iron-like fingers. Despite the fact she wasn't wearing her metal gauntlets at the time.

Negi sighed, pulled a small bottle out of a pocket of his suit's jacket, and threw it at Saber. "Here, Saber-san, just give one of the red ones to Emiya-san. That should help."

Artoria blinked, letting Shirou go so he could breathe again at last, and mostly so she could give the bottle full of small red and blue pills a look. "What is this? Is it what you call Viagra?"

"… what's that?" Negi asked, before quickly deciding it probably wasn't important anyway. "No, no, they're Age Changing Pills, a product of mages of this era. Just have Emiya-san swallow one of them and he shouldn't look that young anymore."

"Ah! You enabler, why are you doing this!" Chamo cried.

"Why were you carrying those things around?!" Chisame asked.

"Because one always must be prepared for everything," Negi explained while Saber looked suspiciously at the pills. She took one out, sniffed carefully at it, then gave it a tentative lick and a couple of nibbles not intended to crack its surface. "We aren't going to poison Emiya-san, Saber-san…"

"One never can be careful enough in a Grail War," Saber seriously said before Shirou just sighed, took the pill from between her fingers, and quickly popped it into his mouth, swallowing it whole. "Ah! Shirou, you dumb Master!"

There was a muted poof of faint smoke briefly surrounding Emiya, and then he was still standing there but with a much more mature appearance. While he barely was any taller now, he looked more filled in without the gangly look of adolescence. His face was sharper and more ruggedly handsome, his face more serious and less punchable. While Satomi only scoffed dismissively at the change, and Chachamaru's expression betrayed no change whatsoever, a dangerous **JIIIIIIIIIIII** began sounding off in Matoi's head only sputter off and slowly grate to a halt, and Chisame couldn't help blushing slightly. Evangeline raised an eyebrow in interest, and Saber had pulled back with a truly surprised face.

Asuna's cellphone took repeated pictures from every angle her wrist could twist into as she said, "You know what, if Saber-san still doesn't want it, screw that, I'll take her place!"

Saber snapped back, giving Asuna a quick look back. "That is quite unbecoming behavior from a young lady, Kagurazaka-san," she chided, then turned back to the grownup Shirou just as soon. "Besides, I saw him first!"  
Shirou was looking fixedly at his hands. "Why are they so long?" he wondered before having his cheeks grabbed by Saber so she could settle his face before hers. He blinked. "Saber?"

Blushing even more, she puckered her lips. "Shirou," she hoarsely, or perhaps huskily said, before leaning closer, closing her eyes, thinking of Guinevere, and giving him a deep, hard kiss on the lips.

"Okay, there was no need for a makeover if you were just going to close your eyes anyway!" Chisame said.

"I hope you're happy now," Chamo bitterly told Negi. "This is against the grand order of the universe!"

"Huh? What did I do?" the teacher protested.

* * *

"Something's wrong here," Evangeline suddenly observed, and indeed, in the very next moment, Negi tensed up, feeling a magical pulse coming from Saber and Shirou's kiss, one he'd never felt before. It was vaguely reminiscing of what had happened when Ayaka kissed him, but even more powerful and disconcerting.

Asuna activated her paper fan and Chachamaru prepared her weapons while Negi swiftly moved in front of Chisame and Hakase, trying to shield them with his body. _"Rastel Ma Scir Magister,"_ he whispered, activating his magic and reaching for his staff...

And then the whole lot was covered by an ethereal mirage of sorts, one showing a wonderful, paradisiacal field of flowers all around them, a perfectly clear blue sky stretching over it. Negi took a deep intake of air, obviously impressed by the prodigy he was seeing, although Evangeline only sneered at it, and Asuna cocked her head aside while frowning, seemingly puzzled over something on a level beyond what one would expect from someone in such a situation.

However, the illusion was over almost as soon as it had started, when Saber pulled back from a weakly wheezing Shirou, her eyes still closed. Without even bothering to look, she lifted an arm, grabbed the card that had just appeared spinning in midair, and silently took it to her face, only then opening her eyes to look closely at it.

"Pactio…" Chamo sighed with a bored gesture, not even managing to give a damn. "Seriously, totally against the order of the universe."

"What was that about, Master?" Negi asked Evangeline.

"You should ask that Tohsaka girl, Servants and their quirks are more of her specialty," Eva grumpily admitted. "I suppose it was some sort of manifestation of a Reality Marble, or—"

"What's a Reality Marble, and why does it have such a silly name?" Asuna asked.

"It was that thing Kuro-san used in Kyoto, remember?" Negi reminded her. "That field of swords thing."

"Oh, right. Wow, it seems so long ago, when it was only just a few day backs…"

"I hate to agree with the ermine, but yes, this was a bad idea," Chisame said.

"Someone who started all this Pactio craze just because of a petty attempt to stop me shouldn't be talking on the subject," Evangeline observed, moving towards Saber. Before Chisame could protest on the seriousness of the original situation and how there had been nothing petty about her survival attempts, the daywalker had moved past the still incoherent and gasping Shirou. "Well, Servant? Let me see your card. That, I can analyze."

Saber smiled, showing her and the curiously approaching Ala Alba members her card, which showed her in her usual blue battle gown, but wielding a large glowing sword rather than the invisible one they had seen her using so far— or not seen her using, actually. Under the image the Spirits had branded the _SABER_ designation in big type, and under that, the Latin title _Praeterium et Futurum Rex_.

However, all Eva was looking at was the thumb Saber kept firmly pressed on the card's surface, between the Class name and the title. "Let me see what's written there," she asked.

"... no," Saber simply said, refusing to let them see the name _Artoria Pendragon_.

Eva gave her face a jaded, cold look that lasted several moments before snorting in contempt, tossing her long hair back. "As you wish. I've figured out what I needed to know anyway. That's your Noble Phantasm you're holding there."

"One of them, yes," Saber confirmed.

"Then it's as the ermine expected, odds are this won't grant you a new, specific Artifact, but rather easier access to your already existing trump cards. Regardless, with a Master as pathetic as this, I'd say you should take any sort of advantage that came your way," Evangeline lectured.

"Hey!" Shirou protested, slightly fanning himself around the collar, and still somewhat red-faced.

"Do you want to test your current capabilities now, Servant?" Evangeline asked Saber, displaying the superb skill at ignoring red-haired boys she had developed while tutoring Negi.

Saber frowned, looking in all directions, and specifically at the rather distant windows of the next neighborhood. "Perhaps this should be done in the woods," she reasoned.

"That destructive, huh?" Evangeline smirked, holding a fist to her hip. "I like the sound of that. Let's do just that, then!"

* * *

"So, um, can I see the card?" Shirou asked as they walked the last few currently empty streets of the campus, heading for the woods.

"I'd rather you didn't," Saber said honestly without looking back.

"Saber-san," Negi patiently explained, "if Emiya-san isn't given a copy of your card, which I can duplicate for you, he can't summon you to his side from a distance, open telepathic links with you, boost you with magic or make use of the many other advantages of the Pactio. You know the reason you made the Pactio in the first place?"

Saber frowned, held the card before her face as she walked, and snapped her fingers for Negi. "Duct tape, please."

Sighing, Negi pulled a roll of duct tape out of his pocket and threw it at Saber. Quickly, she covered only the area giving away her real name, and then spun around to hand the card back to Negi. "Do whatever you have to do," she said.

He sighed. "Honestly, I can understand being cautious, but..." Nonetheless, he relented with a shake of his head, ran his hand over the card, and quickly produced a duplicate. Before he could even get a good look at it, Saber snatched it from his hand, tucked it into the breast pocket of her Mysterious Heroine jacket, and gave the original card to her Master.

"Shirou," she seriously said, "you must promise you'll never pull that tape off. Believe me, I will know if you ever do."

"Uh,huh, sure thing, I swear it," Shirou exhaled, nodding at her. "You have my word, don't fret. But I still think you should trust me with—"

"Look out!" she said, suddenly springing forward, grabbing him, and pulling him aside, out of the way of a small projectile that had just flown towards him. Almost at the same time, Matoi and Satomi's backs were hit by identical miniature projectiles at once, making them fall unconscious on their faces with matching gasps.

"What...?!" Chisame gasped, realizing she'd only escaped being hit herself because Tsunetsuki, in the nick of time, had pushed her out of the way, taking the hit for her. "Negi?!" she added, head whipping aside, only to realize her Magister had reacted fast enough as to block the projectile meant for him with his staff. Likewise, Chachamaru had just intercepted one that had aimed for Evangeline with her right forearm, and the small blonde only hummed softly at the unexpected event. Before she could ask her gynoid, Chachamaru offered a humble answer.

"My apologies, Master. I should have detected the enemy's presence, but they must have used magecraft to shield themselves for this ambush. Should I—?"

"No," Saber tensely answered for Eva, whipping her newly minted Card up. "This is a matter to be settled between Servants and Masters exclusively. Adeat," she said, waving the card and instantly summoning her battle gown on herself, in a way identical to her usual transformation rather than the more elaborate and nudity-heavy sequence the other Ministra were stuck with. Chisame could only groan in pure unadulterated envy at that.

Asuna, in the meantime, just grumbled while rubbing the back of her stinging neck. "What the hell was that? I just felt..." she frowned, looking at the tiny thing she'd just plucked from her skin, in the exact spot where she'd felt being hit moments ago. It resembled a combination of a diminutive dart and a piece of chalk. "Huh? I don't get it..."

"Chisame, Asuna-san, please see Satomi-san and Matoi-san are okay," Negi clenched his teeth as he saw two figures dropping from a tree on the sidewalk, by now mostly wrapped in the shadows of the quickly falling evening. "Saber-san..."

She walked past him faster than he could realize, leveling her invisible sword at the taller of the two figures. "Lancer, am I right? You leave me with a worse first impression than the last Lancer I fought. Show yourself, so we can see how your appearance matches your behavior."

The man hefting the long spear over his broad shoulders chuckled at the woman with him. "It seems your charged darts need to be checked out, Master. Two of them managed to no-sell them."

"Then I'll handle them personally, just like the others," the female who was walking closer said evenly, wearing an elegant, dark two piece suit with matching gloves, tie and shoes. Her hair was short and magenta-reddish, and her face was well rounded and youthful while also giving an unmistakable aura of serious maturity. "You only have to worry about Saber, Lancer."

"Worry?" grinned the lean, yet strong-looking tall man with dark electric-blue hair, wearing a form suiting outfit that clung to each muscle, making Asuna feel oddly fluttery inside for a moment. "Who's worried? Not me," he cockily said, spinning his spear around for better effect as he measured Saber with his gaze. "You?"

"Hardly," Saber simply said, grinding a heel against the pavement for a short moment before propelling herself ahead, swinging the invisible sword, for a first attack.

"That's that Cu Cu-something guy, right? I remember him from Kuro-san's exposition lecture," Chisame said. "The guy who's good at gardening? Maybe we should introduce him to Yuuki-sempai. You know, if we SURVIVE THIS!"

* * *

As she charged forward to do battle, Saber had to admit the Pactio boost seemed to have worked, to some degree. She felt herself stronger, faster and more vital than she had felt during her encounter with Berserker. The problem was she still felt nowhere near as good as she had felt while fighting under Irisiviel (she still refused to acknowledge that time as her stint fighting under Kiritsugu), much less the way she had felt during her first stay in the world.

And if this Lancer was anything like Diarmuid of the Love Spot (they even looked fairly similar to each other) then she would be in for an uphill fight.

She heard Shirou calling out for her ("Saber!") and she clenched her teeth, choosing to ignore him and focus on the enemy ahead. She'd have to trust the Professor and the others to keep him safe from the rival Master (and himself, that went without saying), but she couldn't allow herself distractions during this battle.

The same cry had allowed the red-haired woman to instantly identify the Saber's Master, both from the urgency on his voice and the subtle expression of "Shut up, I'm in a fight here!" she had made as a result. The finely-suited female thus instantly directed her full attention on him, which made her mostly glad, since she really didn't want to go after the children first. With any luck they'd run away as soon as they saw the Master and Servant go down.

The red-haired woman quickly charged forward and instantly dashed at her target, running for Shirou as she allowed the power to rush through the Magic Circuits within her body. The boy hadn't readied a defense of his own yet; it was obvious he was inexpert, out of his league, unable to fight with real offensive magic. She wouldn't waste magic that would be best used helping Cu Chulainn finish off Saber on him unless he surprised her.

She leapt cleanly over the fallen bodies of Matoi and Satomi and past the gasping ponytailed girl who was reaching for a Pactio card. The red-haired woman was too fast for her to intercept, and either way, with the way her body was now pumping with magical energy, the girl wouldn't have been able to stall her for longer than a second. The boy who was her actual target gasped as he saw her coming, trying to reach for something, anything, to use to defend himself, but he was too slow and in the blink of an eye, the woman had given him a vicious left hook to the stomach, half-stunning him with a single blow.

He gasped for air as his lungs were forcefully emptied and his stomach cried like Chamo complaining of animal abuse, just as she followed through with a brutal punch to his face, sending him backwards and down onto the pavement on his back, unconscious. The unknown Master could hear the blond girl who somehow looked vaguely familiar whispering an urgent command for the green haired girl to stay quiet where she was, despite said girl's subtle, gasping reluctance, but she only took peripheral notice of that. Just another child, nothing to worry about. Thank goodness for the Japanese and their tendancy not to get involved in things happening in front of them. The Master was down now, and she had to decide what to do next. He seemed to be no threat anymore, so now she should...

Then she was caught unaware as a blur materialized by her side, roughly kicking her away from the boy, actually hurting her ribcage and forcing her to grind to a screeching halt before she could drop on the ground. She squinted through the growing darkness of the early evening at the other, shorter boy now facing her, preparing his hands in an practiced kenpo stance, and she hissed in recognition. "Ah. Springfield."

Saber was no idiot, despite what her hair and Master would have one believe, and she had amassed enough battlefield experience to be aware stupidly charging forward was suicide unless you were, well, Heracles. But there are different types of frontal charge, and hers was mostly a feint, a first test to gauge the capacities of the warrior of the spear. Which were, as expected, fairly impressive, as he easily swung and took advantage of his weapon's longer reach to intercept her Invisible Air before it could come too close.

As she had planned beforehand, Saber hopped back from the first clash before he could use it to get closer, using the inertia of her own dash to bounce back from it, landing gracefully on her feet and swinging the blade in a protective circle. The echoes of the loud boom caused by the mutual impact of their weapons faded away slowly as he asked her, rather casually, "Please tell me that's not your best. I'd hate for tonight's entertainment to be over quickly! Make this worth our time, will you?"

"Don't talk of this like a game, Lancer," she told him icily. "That's not the way I approach warfare."

"Well," he smirked, assuming an expert position that was flexible enough to serve as a fitting preparation for both attack and defense, "I haven't found many who ever made it more than a game for me. Want to join those numbers? Then prove you can do more than lecturing me."

"I have better ways to educate people than through my words," she promised, calculating her next attack angle and then jumping for it.

* * *

Empty air met blood-red spear as Saber and Lancer clashed, ancient marvels and epic skill meeting in battle once more. They moved at speeds few humans could even see and fewer still could match. Lancer swung the butt of his spear at Saber's wrist, Saber guarding with her invisible blade and made as if to lunge at Lancer, invisible swordpoint seemingly aimed at his throat. Lancer called the feint, reversing his spear, stepping back as he repulsed Saber even as he brought his spear point down to come at her face. She recoiled, and Lancer spun and kicked, catching her side and knocking her off balance, spear drawing back for a short, direct jab. She spun as if in midair, catching the glistening point between invisible blade and invisible crossguard, forcing it down even as she flipped over and, in a flutter of skirt, kicked Lancer in the face with a metal boot.

Saber was used to difficult fights. When she'd lived, she'd made a habit of them. When your sword assured you'd be victorious in battle (not counting the casualties), and your sheath meant you could survive any wound, winning was all a matter of going into the battlefield and being the last person standing. It was, in its way, so simple even Shirou could understand it. Life was Victory. Victory… probably meant Life. Maybe. Blood loss could be a bitch like that.

Negi spun his staff, a halberd-like shape forged in lightning wreathing it while arrows of wind shot at the red-haired Master. Some went in the more direct line between the two of them, others spread out to the side in case in case she dodged and charged. Three went up almost at right angles, shooting at the sky. It was these three that Bazett met. One punch and then another destroyed two, and a snapping elbow detonated the third, though it blew the elbow of her suit jacket to shreds, revealing the ragged white shirt beneath. She crossed her arms to block as the butt of Negi's staff stabbed at her face, causing her to flip back in midair. If the magus was surprised by the level of skill the boy wizard displayed, it didn't show on her face as she landed and jerked back to avoid the darting open palm that was aimed at her side.

Saber's current battle was complicated by the simple fact she was not fighting alone. Her Master was down, though thankfully the Professor had managed to get his attacker away before any more lasting harm was inflicted, and had positioned himself between the fallen Shirou and the enemy Master. Asuna was laboriously dragging Matoi and Satomi off to the side, proving surprisingly stronger than appearance would imply. Evangeline… was sitting on a picnic blanket Chachamaru had set up, and appeared to be waiting on the latter to serve her tea. She seemed to be completely oblivious to danger in a way beyond even Shirou.

There were too many innocent bystanders for her liking.

Despite facing the more dangerous opponent, Saber was certain Lancer was no danger to those behind her. She recognized the look in his eyes, his utter commitment to their battle, and knew that despite her skill, unless she was able to commit the same way, her divided attention would ultimately spell her defeat.

"Come on, come on," Chisame said, jabbing quickly at her cellphone in a controlled panic. "Ring, damn it, ring! Where's an actually authoritative authority figure when you need one?! Damn it, are you doing this? My phone better still be working, you magical whackadoo!"

"Whackadoo?" Asuna said as she dragged Matoi and Satomi off the path. "Really Chisame? By the way, thanks for the help, really, your harem isn't heavy at all."

"I don't have a harem!" Chisame cried.

 _Somewhere, many people, but Yue in particular, sneezed_.

"Are they serious? That's what they're focusing on?" Lancer said as he tried to impale Saber's foot, only to have his spear parried by Saber's invisible blade and head butted him. "Ow!"

"Yes, they are," Saber said as she tried to press the advantage, trying to thrust her sword into Lancer's side, only for him to twist out of the way, sweeping his upright spear sideways to deflect her strike. There was a confused moment when both tried to hook the other's foot and pull it out from under them. They darted back, spear and sword coming up and charging at each other once more. "They're good children otherwise."

Bazett fought defensively. While killing another Master would, just barely, be squeaked past Mahora's authorities, killing one of Konoemon's underlings would get her hunted down. And she found it personally distasteful to kill a child, her well-honed stifling of her basic human empathy aside. "I have no quarrel with you child. Stand down and take the other children with you. I will allow you to leave," she said a she went for a knockout blow.

"Counter offer," Negi panted, much more winded than her but not slowing down. "Stand down and leave Emiya-san alone tonight, or I destroy your Servant."

Bazett couldn't help it. The laugh escaped from her lips despite herself. "You, destroy my Servant? You overestimate yourself, child. You can barely hold your own—"

Negi darted forward, and Bazett instinctively crossed her arms to block again. The unincanted Sagitta Magica spell slammed into her defense at point blank range, and though her defenses kept her from getting hurt, the kinetic force still sent her flying. Through the ringing in her ears, she tried to take control of her arc, tried to twist out of the way-—

 _"Rastel Mastel Magiscir!"_

His spell casting was fast for his age, a part of Bazett's mind noted. Still,her defenses were adequate for—

 _"Kenotetos astrapsato de temeto!"_

Alarm coursed through her at the short, quick incantation in Ancient Greek. A High Ancient spell? How did he—

 _"Dios Tukos!"_

Bazett's shoes barely touched the ground in time for her to be slammed by lightning worthy of the name. She felt the cutting edge-like wave of electricity tear down the right side of her body like the sword of Damocles or the very axe of Zeus the spell was named for. Runes on her suit and under clothes reacted, going off like reactive armor on a tank, blunting or countering the spell but ultimately being overwhelmed, leaving a charred trail from her shoulder down to one pant leg.

When the spell passed,her left ear was muffled, and a high-pitched phantom sound rang. Her right ear had gone completely deaf. Spots danced in her eyes even though her eyelids had been closed, and her right arm and leg trembled uncontrollably.

"Last chance, magus," the boy said, barely audible through Bazett's left ear. "Call off your Servant. Leave to fight another day."

In response, Bazett focused on him completely as she flooded her body with prana, activating other runes. The trembling stopped. Her eyes cleared and some sound began to trickle back in her right ear as the hearing in her left returned to normal. She raised her fists defensively, not much more wary. "Impressive Springfield, but it will take much more than that for you to defeat me, much less harm my Servant. Still, you impress me. I give you one last chance to leave."

Negi's face went blank. Then he snapped up his staff, pointing it straight at Bazett. Bazett darted back, intending to dodge instead of block now. He was obviously intending to move to higher-grade spells!

"Saber!" Negi yelled instead of incanting. "Lancer is Cu Chulainn of Ireland!"

Bazett nearly stumbled. She stared at Negi in shock and horror.

"Well," Lancer said evenly, looking into Saber's eyes, eyes that held a disturbing new intensity. "Shit."

* * *

Gilgamesh of Uruk had been the first at many things, good and bad alike. He'd been the first at most things, as a matter of fact. He'd been the First Hero, the First Protagonist, the First Cute Shota, the First King, the First Tyrant, the First Benevolent Ruler, the First Slave Owner, the First Pilot, the First To Crash A Flying Machine, The First To Crash Into A Mountain the First To Walk away From A Crash, the First to Ascend to the Throne of Heroes, the First Bully, the First Chick Magnet, the First Gary Stu, the First Master of Bling, the First Ho Yay Guy, the First Man to Ever Meet a Serpent (Adam didn't count, only Eve had dealt with that one), he had the First Harem, initiated the First Orgy, made the First Hangover Remedy, and was, secretly, the First To Try Out Being A Woman, the First Man To Turn Into A Woman to Have Sex With Another Woman, amongst many other such titles.

A less known fact was the matter he'd also been the First Stalker.

 **JIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII**.

That was the sound Kirei's Servant, the Judge, heard when he materialized by Gilgamesh's side, the latter proudly standing on top of a rooftop as he was prone to, overlooking the fight scene with folded arms and a shinai by his side (He had also been the First Delinguent!).

 _ **"Kirei ssssssssssent me to patrol, and what do I ssssssssssssee?"**_ the Judge ssssssaid, his floating form swirling around Gilgamesh's shoulders and starting down at the combatantssssss. _**"Fffffffinally, sssssome bloodssssshed might about to occur! Good, good!"**_ he clapped his hands made of bone. _**"It'ssssss about time too, I wassssss going mad with—"**_

"Silence, bothersome ghost!" the First Plumber roared at him, casually flicking him in the helmet without bothering to look at his hideous face (he had pioneered the First Off-Hand Backhand!). "Your insane prattle distracts me from the perfect spectacle of Saber's beauty. If you wish to spy for the priest, do so without disturbing me!"

Judge muttered something obscene about another man who had a 'Talk to the fist' policy while adjusting his Mega City One official helmet. " _ **Your low passssionsssss don't ssssssuit a true King, human! A veritable sssssovereign wouldn't obsssesssss over ssssomeone they conssssider hisssss inffffferior! Bessssidesssss, ssssssshe'sssss too manly!"**_

Gilgamesh sniffed in distaste, produced a small portal, pulled a random object out of it (he is the pioneering First User Of Mundane Utility!), and jammed the extracted orange (which was a divine orange, in GOLD!) between Judge's dead eyes. "You have no right to lecture a King on the nature of kingship, dead mongrel! Know your lowly place! And Saber's not manly at all!" said the First Proponent Of Women's Rights (granted, they were Babylonian women's rights, but still! Milestone!)

 _ **"Ssssssshe's flat!"**_

"She is not! Her graceful figure is perfectly proportioned, without any vulgar excesses!" said the First Supporter Of Positive Self-Image For Women.

 _ **"Ssssshe's butch!"**_

"Shei s not! Even while striking with deadly intent, she's a flawless incarnation of femininity!" said the First Person To Allow Homosexuals To Serve In The Military.

Judge mumbled, shaking his head and looking aside.

Gilgamesh frowned at him. "What did you just say?"

 _ **"Nothing."**_

"No, you definitely said something. What is it?"

 _ **"Nothing, go watch your beloved'sssssss pointlesssss battle. Sssssshouldn't that be the mossssst important thing for you?"**_

"Don't mock me, creature," the First To Beat Up The Undead said, grabbing him by the neck and rattling, sounds of bones snapping against each other vigorously ensuing, "and tell me what you said!"

 _ **"Gaaaaaaaayyyy..."**_ Judge dragged the word as he boggled.

"Oh," the First Man To Solve A Locked Room Murder Mystery In The Middle Of His Vacation To An Isolated Resort In Atlantis sneered, tossing him aside. "Think whatever you want. The King of Sexiness is above such trivial and narrow minded prejudice! For my appeal extends to any and all, male and female, as nobody can resist this peerless body's boundless attractiveness! Why, I bet even a genderless specter like you already has a _**boner**_ from being honored by my touch!" said the First Man To Be Totally Secure In His Sexuality.

 _ **"That... That wasssssssn't funny..."**_

"Oh, wasn't it? I'll have you know I came up with the first joke as well! Tell me, fool, why did the chicken cross the road?"

 _ **"To... To get to the other ssssside?"**_

The First Comedian huffed. "Well, it was hilarious back then! It's not my fault if others later diluted it through abuse and misuse! That's why I hate copies and fakers! And Seinfeld. Oh, how I hate Seinfeld…"

 _ **"Hrrrrrrrrrrrr..."**_ Judge groaned, just witnessing the fight below with Gilgamesh. They looked on in analytical silence at Negi fighting Bazett and Saber fighting Lancer for a relatively long while before Judge asked. _**"Then, issssss it true you ssssssexually harassssssed my Masssssster during the Ffffffourth War?"**_

Gilgamesh scoffed. "Just because I teased him on his true nature while drinking wine in ways lesser minds might consider flirtatious, and then spent a long, healthy conversation with him while in the nude, that doesn't mean I harassed him! Such things are below a King's honor!"

 _ **"What isssss 'Droit du ssssigneur'?"**_ Judge shot back. _**"Bessssidessss, I happen to thhhhink sssssodomy issssss a crime that musssst be punisssshed withhhh deathhhh!"**_

"You think EVERYTHING is a crime that must be punished with death!" said The First Man To Order An Execution.

 _ **"Don't try to derail the converssssssation!"**_

Gilgamesh just casually flicked his head again, send his head, and the body it was attached to, slamming into the roof they were standing on. "Be quiet, Saber's being incredibly awesome right now..." said the First Appreciator Of Women's Achievements.

 _ **"Sssssshe'ssssss getting her butch asssss kicked...!"**_

This time, Gilgamesh just flicked him off the roof, from the opposite side to Saber and Negi's.

 _ **"You sssssssshouldn't even be able to do thisssss with your current body!"**_ Judge protested on his way down.

* * *

 **Class Warfare**.

Somewhere else at the same time not too far away, ironically enough. Maybe it was Fate.

Not the Averruncus or Testarossa varieties.

The Card had chosen the tennis court to manifest itself this time. Had Nodoka known anything for sure about the identity of the Hero this Card had been modelled after, she'd have quickly and correctly guessed the Card had chosen this site to appear in sight of the long standing connection between the British and tennis.

The football field would have been the Card's second choice for a haunting place, but the Card instinctively disliked the also long standing connection 'British Football' had with 'hooligans'. It was a Heroic Card, after all.

"Nodoka!" Kero urgently said, flying closer to his master's shoulder. "There's something you must know about that Card!"

"S-Saber-san?!" Nodoka gasped, Clow Staff firmly held before herself, staring through her bangs at the figure clad in solid black standing at the other end of the court. Instead of the invisible air the Servant carried, however, she held a massive black sword in her right gauntlet, and her face was mostly covered by a metallic black mask, only her pale chin exposed. Her expression, as Nodoka and Yue could guess from her lips, was even colder and more stoic than Saber-san's.

"Who?" Kotaro, who stood by Nodoka's right, grunted while sniffing the air.

"A... A new friend of ours," Yue gulped, taking a few steps back. Of all the times for the Sailor Senshi to be tracking the black scythe girl away from them... "I'm not quite sure this is her, however..."

"It couldn't be," Nodoka decided, beginning to pull a Card of her own out. "This just can't be Saber-san! I won't show her any more mercy than I did to the other Cards!"

"That's a very high bar. Shouldn't you lower it just this once?" Yue said.

"But, but this isn't one of the Cards we're supposed to be looking for!" Kero protested. "Listen to me, this has to be a—!"

"Later, sport, later!" Kotaro grinned, bashing his fists together and then dashing forward. "If you're not a real lady, then I don't have to hold back...!"

The Saber-san lookalike swung her sword without saying a single word, and a gigantic blast of wind blew Kotaro back against the seats, sending him crashing head first into them.

"Ko-Kotaro-kun!" Nodoka gasped before bristling with anger at the impassive Saberclone. "WINDY!" she bellowed, summoning a hurricane blast of her own on her...

Only to have it completely blocked, then sent back to her and Yue by the force of the Saberclone's next sword slash. Yue was left stuck between two seats, kicking her legs up and having her skirt drop back on her exposing her skimpy panties, at which point Kotaro had a quick nosebleed. Nodoka, still running on anger fumes, quickly sprang back to her feet and summoned her next card. "CREATE!"

Under the pale moon, she quickly wrote on the magical booklet to summon a gigantic scaly and winged dragon down on the mysterious Card. Said Card only allowed itself a brief, small smile before jumping up on the beast slashing and clawing at her, and with a single, massive swing of her blade, she cleanly spliced the dragon in two halves that neatly disappeared in the breeze.

Nodoka gulped. "F-Fool!" she called out, sending the madly giggling jester girl against the Saberface, flashing razor-sharp playing cards in each hand and aiming for the throat of the Black Knight...

... only for the knight woman to simply smash the sole of a boot on her face, then to grind her down against the ground, not wishing to stain her sword with that.

"..." the Saberface said.

"Nodoka, you've gotta listen to me!" Kero tugged on her blouse. "You'd better run away! You can do nothing against this Card! You shouldn't even be fighting her anyway! You see, it's...!"

"I FIGHT ON!" a raging mad Kotaro said, springing back into the fight in his wolfman form, ripping through his shirt and slashing with his claws towards the Card. She only gave him a cut on a shoulder, and when he kept coming on her, she aimed for his neck next; only a quick tug back of his head saved him from a beheading in the nick of time. He swung a kick to her chest, but her breastplate absorbed most of the impact and she only gave him a cut on a leg, forcing him to recoil back, limping slightly on a foot and hissing in mild pain. "Damn it...! You're good...!"

And yet he still smiled. What kind of idiot was this, Yue wondered. Oh, right, the Ku-like kind of idiot.

Nodoka was beginning to panic, rummaging through the rest of her Cards. Jump would only help her escape, and she could carry Yue and Kero with herself, but she couldn't leave Kotaro-kun on his own. The Card Card was pretty much useless. The Flower could provide a good escape screen, but she doubted Kotaro-kun would let himself be dragged away from a fight, even now. That only left her with...

"T-TENTACLE!" Nodoka shouted, bringing the small tentacled woman back to active life.

And the Saber paused in horror, somehow managing to look at the Tentacle through her mask with no apparent eyeholes.

Traumatic memories of her template's past experiences, carried through the timeless stream of the Throne of Heroes and King Arthur's final resting place alike, flashed into her like only a cosmic horror beyond any human understanding can.

As the Tentacle's appendages squirmed, reaching for her and enveloping, the Saber let out a traumatized high-pitched scream and struggled in vain, her grip on the black sword faltering. Nodoka and Yue gave each other bewildered looks, frankly surprised it had worked at all. Or perhaps not so much. It was an understandable reaction from almost any woman, after all.

Warily, and ignoring Kero's newest fearful warnings, Nodoka approached the trembling, animalistically wailing Saber and slammed the Clow Staff on her forehead. "Return to the humble form you deserve! Clow Card!"

The Saber stiffened, gave a short gruff grunt, refused to glitch back into a card, glitched several times in a row anyway like a computer screen flashing error messages, and finally just popped back into a small card that flew into Nodoka's hand.

She gave it a look. "Huh." It didn't look at all like the Pactio card the actual Saber had just gotten, not that Nodoka could know about that yet. It was far darker in coloring, and showed a generic, fairly ambiguous in gender slender figure in light armor, holding a fencing sword up, standing very straight and formal. It only read _Saber_. "Strange, it doesn't look like the others. Well, it's captured all the same," she philosophically said, shrugging, writing her name on the back of the card, and stuffing in with the others into the pages of the Clow book.

Kero sighed. "You shouldn't have done that! That's not even a Clow Card, Nodoka!"

"Ah, no? And what is it then?" grunted Kotaro as he limped closer.

"That's a Servant Class Card, part of a set designed by Master Clow's frequent drinking partner, Kischur Zelretch Schweinorg!" Kero explained.

"Can you say that thrice, fast?" the dog boy taunted.

"Kischur Zelretch Schweinorg, Kischur Zelretch Schweinorg, Kischur Zelretch Schweinorg!" Kero said to spite him, then to pause in fear, look around, and finally breathe easier. "Oh, what a relief, so he doesn't show up like Beetlejuice after all. A-Anyway, he and Master Clow had a friendly rivalry of sorts, and when Master created his Cards, I guess Zelretch-sama felt the need to prove himself his equal on the subject, I don't know. Whatever the case, those Cards have been sealed for decades, but maybe they broke loose because of the Clow Cards release and Heaven's Feel happening at once..."

"Heaven's Feel?" Kotaro asked.

"Oh, right, we haven't told you about that yet, sorry," Nodoka sheepishly told him. "N-Never mind, we'll explain everything while Konoka-san heals you. So, um, Kero-san, does this, does this mean someone else will come after these cards too...?"

* * *

Lord El-Melloi's eyebrow, two continents and several seas aside, twitched. "And you didn't realize that until now?"

"I've been busy," the old man sitting behind the black desk shrugged casually. "Do you have the time to check on everything you have in **your** attic so it doesn't escape and bring havoc upon this world?"

"Actually, Sir, I—" Lord El-Melloi began as respectfully as he could.

"Well, never mind that now," the old man quickly waved that particular issue away, placing a large wooden box on the desk's surface. "I'll be even busier from here on, so I can't handle that issue personally, and neither can you, of course. But don't worry, we'll leave it in good hands."

"Whose?" the younger man asked, dreading the answer already. It wasn't like he was in any hurry to ever return to Japan, but...

Confirming his suspicions, Zelretch said, "The recent reappearance of the Clow Cards and the premature Heaven's Feel are no coincidence, they must be part of the divine design, and surely my Cards felt it even before we did. So unless I'm grievously wrong— and let's be honest, what are the chances of that?— the Cards must have migrated to Japan, looking for the two singularities they're linked to."

"Across more than half a world of distance, Sir?"

"I built them to be tenacious and resourceful, why do you think the Ainsworths wanted them so much? They should all do fine there, except for poor Saber, really. She has no chance in the Land of Tentacles..." he almost lamented, shaking his head gravelly.

"And so," El-Melloi said, "you're charging this task to—"

"Oh, let's say Tohsaka-kun and Edelfelt-kun," Zelretch said, opening the box as to show Waver what there was inside. The younger magus paled as one of the colorful sticks held in there waved at him in a very ominous way. "This should be right up their alley, and not like either of them has much of a chance in the War proper, with the Servants they rolled! Poor girls, they deserved better..."

"Sir, with that in mind," Lord El-Melloi begged him, "please have mercy on their souls. Don't force _this_ on them...!"

There was a beat.

"If you so wish, you can take their place and I'll write a leave of absence for you, Velvet," the old magus offered. "I hope you don't mind frilly skirts..."

Waver took the box and lifted it quickly. "The wands will be in their homes by the weekend, I promise, Sir..."

* * *

Rin and Luvia simultaneously had a horrible, nerve-wrecking shudder shake them to their very cores...

* * *

Asuna stared at the tense scene, which seemed to have reached a nervewracked standstill, for a moment, her eyes as wide open as everyone else's (well, everyone but Evangeline's, who sat quietly sipping from her tea while holding Chachamaru's sleeve with the hand not daintily lifting her cup to her lips). And then she finally spoke, breaking through the chilling nocturnal silence.

"... who's Cu Chulainn, and how does that help us at all?"

"Not much, I'm afraid," Chulainn clenched a wolfish grin as he pressed his attack on Saber, going for broke now, and accelerating to such a degree Saber was having more problems keeping up with him now. Concentrating and focusing her mind, she returned his attentions in kin, making use of her Pactio boost to add to her own speed and agility, and beginning to push back, even if she still was playing on the defensive. "If you were hoping to exploit my weaknesses, sorry to disappoint you! Hoping to break my geasses? Yeah, good luck with that!"

"Geese? Ew, no, we're not into cruelty to non-ermine animals!" Asuna protested, already changed into her Pactio mode and standing back to back with an indecisive Chisame, both of them studying which fight to join first. Chisame gritted her teeth while holding her scepter, her only useful attack tool; she wanted to help Negi, but he and the woman were moving far too quickly for her to risk making a move on her without probably hitting him with an electricity bolt instead. Asuna was in more of a mind to assist Saber-san instead, but having no idea whatsoever what was so dangerous about that Cu-Whatever Guy, beyond the obvious, held her back for now, fearful she only could prove being an obstacle for the blonde. And speaking of blondes... "Evaaa! Don't just sit there, lend a hand, will you!"

"Who, me, a perfectly harmless and powerless little girl thanks to some stupid mage's curse?" Evangeline said piously, placing a hand on her chest. Since that hand had been the one gripping on her gynoid's sleeve, she quickly had to grab her again. "Don't even think about it, Chachamaru," she warned, pulling her back. "It's about time Boya starts fighting on his own. You must stop coddling him if he's ever to become a man."

"He's still TEN!" Chisame angrily cried over the relentless sounds of battle from both directions.

Said ten-year old had fallen back into a brutal short distance exchange of blows with Bazett, who had to strain herself to keep up with his renewed, fast furious frantic fighting frenzy. He used a curious combination of kenpo moves with something that was literally alien to Bazett, and thus unreadable to her. His time sparring with Lala and learning from her mostly whimsical and self-developed primal fighting style had paid off nearly as much as his lessons from Ku Fei.

While Lala was hardly a trained martial artist, there was still something to learn from anyone with any sort of working fighting style. From her, he had learned to move in a way that disoriented an opponent expecting for some type of traditional fighting style or another. Actually, there was a method in her chaos, and so now in Negi's as well, but it was one his current opponent wouldn't be able to figure out anytime soon with no previous exposure whatsoever to Lala. The fact he had combined that with Ku Fei's kenpo, swiftly alternating between both, back and forth, to further throw Bazett off balance, only made the battle more uphill for her.

She thought of using Fragarach, but she was doubtful of its usefulness as long as Nagi Springfield's son wasn't using his strongest trump card. Which he seemed reluctant to do, whatever it was. His earlier use of magic to try and overpower her had given pass to a much more direct and physical approach; he could see she was still hurting, an arm working nowhere as well as before, and perhaps he really didn't want to hurt her any more than he absolutely had to. Or perhaps he didn't wish to endanger his comrades with any deflected spell going their way. Going with what she had heard about the boy, the most likely answer was a combination of both factors. Soft-hearted wizards. Did they not know that to learn the ways of magic was to walk with death?

"You're brave, and you bring honor to your name. Congratulations," she said, managing to grab his scalp and roughly bash his face down against the pavement, so hard little fragments of shattered cement flew in all directions. She ignored the scream of his name from one of the girls behind her and swiftly ducked under the bolt of electricity flying straight for her head. "However, you're meddling in—"

"Please don't tell me this doesn't concern me," he said again, smiling weakly while rising from the ground, face bleeding but resolve or strength no lesser than before. "And thanks, Chisame," he said, taking advantage of how Bazett's ducking had brought her closer to his current position; close enough to give him a perfect target, and he mashed both fists against her jaw, dropping her on her back. She groaned while trying to sit back up, as fast as she could, next to the slowly recovering but still fully groggy out of his mind Shirou, supported only on his elbows and stomach.

But by now the other boy already was standing on top of her, pointing down at her with his staff, his eyes eerily fixed and intense for one so young. "You're beaten," he inflexibly told her. "Now call off your Servant. Please."

She squinted and said, just as coldly, "Lancer. Finish her!"

"I see," Lancer said grimly, taking a quick step back from Saber, and readying his spear, power from long gone ages flowing into it for the final blow. He had always hated and avoided hurting women in the battlefield, going as far as to spare the woman who had brought nothing but ruin to himself and his country. And now, his actions could probably spell doom for not one but two women at once.

But he still trusted his Master's ability to get out of her side of the bind on her own, and mostly, just like Saber herself, he understood it was folly to think of the blonde before him as anything but another warrior, a living weapon... and then, living only according some definitions of the word by human standards.

Just like himself.

It makes no sense to fear for an identity reveal when your cover's already blown either. Better to go for all already. The next battle awaited as eagerly as he awaited for it.

 _"Gae..."_

Asuna, in the split second after that word was growled, tensed as if feeling something she couldn't quite explain.

Saber frowned and stood still at the middle of the street, looking directly at the Lancer's face. As if daring him in silence.

Asuna ran forward, lifting her massive sword. Feeling not like herself, in a way. Feeling like she was living a vaguely familiar dream, of battlefields and dramatic fantasy warfare, like in an epic movie.

Her sword's edge glinted with the moonlight, a perfect silver sparkle that accompanied Lancer's deep intonation, his voice booming across the whole street...

 _ **"BOLG!"**_

Chisame had the irrational desire to shout, "It's pronounced 'blog', you relic!" as she stared in horror.

And the power was unleashed, and the air seemed to hum to deafening degrees, as the spear darted forward, with unerring accuracy, towards its intended goal.

* * *

It's always difficult to explain what happens when two impossibilities or absolutes clash, though through the ages learned philosophers, magi, wizards, and drunk guys at the bar have tried.. Since it's something never meant to happen, the means to describe it are usually unavailable to us (unless you happen to be drunk at a bar, in which case it's kept under the table next to the singing frog mushrooms). However, it would be cheating not to give some sort of impression of what happened when Gae Bolg struck, so we will try our best, despite not being so drunk off our asses we're looking into the Dark Dimension.

For Lancer, it felt like a blow that hit through him by through his favored weapon, sending painful ripples that shook him. He was no stranger to pain and it didn't make his resolve and stance falter at all, but he still had to clench his teeth at the unexpected sensation, that of a miracle cancelling his, nullifying it outright. It reminded him of the first time he'd gotten REALLY drunk and woken up to find out he'd one a war that hadn't even started when he'd been drinking.

For Asuna, it was even more painful, as she felt like her arms were catching fire up to her shoulders with her last second block. Tears quickly came to her eyes, even before her swing was complete. Her vision was suddenly assaulted by a brief but disconcerting cacophony of bizarre, striking colors, and for a split second, she almost could swear she heard her own scream distantly coming from somewhere else. She felt Gae Bolg literally pushing against her blade, the spear itself reluctant to believe what was happening, until pure stubborness made the schoolgirl finish batting it aside, and then it was done.

For Saber, literally standing right before the clash, mere millimeters from her chest (which would have made for an interesting case had her Roman counterpart of sorts been present there instead), it was a sensation of intense shockwaves of a kind she'd never felt before rippling through reality without going through the paltry medium of the air, miniature paradoxes born from the encounter of two forces never meant to interact. She stood her ground, and never averted her gaze from what was happening, but even after it was over, she couldn't make full sense of what had just transpired. It reminded her of those times when she'd had to go drinking to forget about something or other Merlin had caused.

For Chachamaru, it was a short, fast series of video errors blipping in her eyes, as her optic sensors failed to process what she was seeing. Momentarily blinded, her instincts made her shield Evangeline with her body, the vampire lifting an eyebrow as she looked, perhaps the only one in the scene with any sober idea of what there was going on.

For Chisame, it was just a sharp flash that hurt her eyes and forced her to block them with a forearm.

For Shirou… well, he still couldn't see clearly at all, and mostly he was now doubled up on himself on wobbly legs, trying his best to keep his dinner in his stomach, but had he been looking straight into the source of the anomaly, his reaction would have been the same as Chisame's.

For Negi and Bazett, it was pure awe mixed with no small amount of uncertainty and disconcertion. And, in Bazett's case, a desire for a strong drink.

When it was over at last, only a fraction of a moment afterwards, Lancer stood back with his spear in hand, giving Asuna puzzled, careful stare full of shock and wonder. "What… _**what**_ are you?" he demanded of the girl who'd just run into his strike, something that should have been impossible in the first place, to block his Noble Phantasm with her gargantuan sword, something that should have been even more laughably impossible, even for another Servant. Saber slowly blinked and also looked at Asuna, silently sharing Lancer's question.

After a moment when Asuna fleetingly looked mesmerized and then unsure of where she was, she shook herself back to shape. "H-Hey!" she protested, shaking while moving into a better position between Saber and Lancer. "What's with that 'what', mister?! Just because you are good looking, that doesn't give you the right to speak like that to a lady! But then, you just tried to kill us, didn't you?!"

"Asuna-san," Negi tensely asked. "Please stand back."

Asuna grunted out the corner of her mouth. "Yeah, and who's going to stand between these two blockheads before they kill each other then, huh? You? You'd end up shish-kabob before you could blink, Teach."

The red-haired adult pondered her alternatives in silence, face strained in frustration, before sternly commanding, "Lancer, we're retreating."

"What?" her Servant asked. "Just because of this? Come on, I'll have it solved in no time…"

"I must object as well," Saber intervened, gripping her sword even tighter. "A battle between Servants must end only when one is dead. Experience has taught me doing otherwise always turns badly for everyone involved."

"Agreed!" Lancer said. "Come on Master, let us fight to the death here!"

"This has gone past the boundaries of a normal battle between Masters and Servants," the woman in the suit said, looking at the first few windows turning the lights on along the nearby blocks, "and we won't get anything done before we're found out. We'll have to settle this somewhere else later."

Lancer groaned, slowly shifting his neck from one side to the other, spear balanced along his wide shoulders. "What a pain. If there's anything I hate, that's loose ends."

Saber nodded. "They are always something to look out for, indeed." Then she addressed Asuna. "Your assistance was not needed… but I am thankful regardless. Next time, however, don't risk your life for mine, as yours is actually intended to last past this month or so."

"Oh, yeah?" Asuna asked. "What were you going to do, stand there and let that thing pierce you, only to then prove you could tank it, no problems whatsoever?"

Saber made a small smirk at that.

Asuna blinked. "Hngh. You dead people are all weird."

As Lancer quietly moved next to the woman, Negi stepped into her path before she could leave. "Please, before you go, listen to me for a minute. Or, well, two maybe. We must discuss some complicated, life-and-death matters!"

"I have no idea about the whereabouts of the Thousand Master," the woman told him evenly. "You have my word I'd gladly tell you if I did, but—"

"What… No, no, I didn't mean that! You're mistaken!" Negi shook his head.

Evangeline smiled mockingly. "Out of all the things I never expected to hear from Boya…"

"It makes you feel like nothing's guaranteed anymore, huh?" Chisame asked, awkwardly rubbing herself on an arm.

Saber advanced towards the rival Master. "I still say this isn't over yet. Professor, while I understand your reasons, we have no concrete evidence yet as to—!"

"Saber," Shirou coughed as he stood back up, rubbing his mouth with the back of his fist, "listen to him, will you? All these past Wars, they always came to a tragic end because people wouldn't stop fighting. Maybe it's the very concept of the war itself what's wrong. Why don't we try something different just this once?"

"Shirou, you don't even really know the first thing about wars just yet!" an exasperated Saber told him.

Lancer looked at his Master. "How hard did you hit this lad anyway?"

"More than intended, apparently," the woman said, giving Shirou a frowning glance.

"Oh, don't worry, he's always like that," Chisame assured them. "You didn't cause any brain damage."

"Listen," Negi sighed. "We have no reason to fight you. None of us really care about obtaining the Grail." While Saber visibly frowned at that, Negi continued, unaware of her reaction, "Emiya-san only summoned Saber-san by accident, and we're helping him to cope with that."

"Then," the woman reasoned, "perhaps he should just relinquish his role as a Master altogether. I have no personal reason to fight myself, but that doesn't mean I'll abandon the war or fight it half-heartedly, like he seems to."

"Hey!" Shirou protested.

The woman looked accusingly at him. "Basically, you're even allowing a child to be your mouthpiece. How can I respect a Master who acts like that?"

"Buuuuurned!" Evangeline laughed. Shirou stared daggers at her, then at the enemy Master.

"I fight on because I don't wish for the Grail to fall into the wrong hands!" he told her.

"So do I," the woman confirmed, "but that's probably the best reason to stand strong and without hesitation, forging ahead no matter the price. Why do you seem to fancy yourself a protector when you won't fight to prove your point?"

"Um, because he's a pacifist?" Asuna wondered aloud. "I mean, that's very obvious even to me, and I'm a certified Baka."

"Your grades have improved a 20% over the last two months," Negi reminded her.

"Really?" Asuna said, surprised. "But I barely pass!"

"As opposed to when you never passed at all?" Negi pointed out.

"Still a Baka, though," Chisame added while Evangeline nodded.

"Yeah, what she said!" a completely unoffended Asuna agreed.

Negi inhaled very deep and patiently. "Listen, Miss—"

"Bazett Fraga McRemitz," she told him.

"Pleased to meet you, Miss Mc Remitz," Negi briefly bowed. "What we want to tell you is, this war might be pointless for all those involved, since there's no way it'll end well for anyone, regardless of their intentions. We have reasons to believe the Grail itself is—"

"Wait. Is that a real name, or did her parents just threw random words together when she was born?" Asuna whispered to Eva.

"Asuna-san! Don't be a namist!" Shirou chided, looking scandalized at her impropriety of it.

The Shinso sneered. "What could a commoner like you know about the names of the high and mighty?" said the girl called Kitty.

"—corrupted, in such a way that it will twist and curse every wish made upon it to murder and harm as many innocents as it possibly can," Negi kept on saying stoically. He was used to this sort of thing. "That might be the real reason behind the incident that destroyed Fuyuki City."

Bazett paused. And then she asked him, "And you know this because…?"

"Our alternate counterparts from a parallel universe fell into this world and, being older and wiser, warned us about it," Negi said with a flawlessly straight face. "There were pictures and slides and everything. How do you think we knew about Lancer-san, and that he's good at gardening?"

Lancer recoiled. "H-How do you know about that!"

"…" Bazett said.

"The top-secret incident at Kyoto everyone knows about?" Negi asked. "That's directly related to that, you see."

Bazett sighed and rubbed her temples with her fingers. "This must be why my father warned me to never cross paths with a Springfield."

"It wasn't because he was concerned for your chastity?" Chisame said.

* * *

"—and that's the basics of it all, really," Yue finished while sitting on the edge of Konoka's bunk, then happily taking another sip from her carton of Fermented Soy Juice. "Is your curiosity satisfied now, Kotaro-kun?"

"I don't believe it," Kotaro said faintly.

"It's all true, Kotaro-kun," Konoka said while kneeling on the carpet behind the shirtless boy, finishing healing his shoulder. "Not only did we heard it all from someone wielding a Reality Marble herself, but that girl we met around Lake Biwa, the really cute chibi magical cosplayer? She was a Servant herself, of the Temptress class…"

"No, I don't mean that, I believe your story, I've seen 'em weirder," Kotaro made clear. "I worked with Deadpool, after all. It's just, dammit, I can't believe you guys would keep this from me! I've been brought to a school where history's greatest warriors are duking it out, and I'm missing out on it? That's so awesome! I want a piece of that, too!"

Konoka and Asuna's bedroom was filled with a pregnant silence that gave birth to a bunch of little silences, each silence more astounded by the expressed suicidal stupidity than the last, while all four girls and living plush toy present grew large sweatdrops. Then Setsuna said, "Inugami-kun, weren't you paying attention? There's nothing 'cool' or 'awesome' about this massacre in the making. One must fight only to protect lives, private property, and Ojou-sama, never for the thrill of it."

"You sure seem very entertained while training Asuna in swordplay, though," Konoka teased her.

"Th-That's different, it's just from my pride on seeing how fast she develops!" Setsuna argued. "Regardless, Inugami-kun, dabbling in forbidden acts like reviving the dead and using them as puppets in a war for a cursed cup is something so idiotically suicidal even Itoshiki-sensei balked at it, and the man actively wants to die most of the time!"

Kotaro, oblivious to her, sat with his head low, rubbing his chin and muttering, "One of Dad's old shirts should work for the catalyst… and even if I can't do the summon, Mom's a miko, I'm sure she'll do it… A Saber, definitely, yeah…"

"Kotaro-kun!" Nodoka protested. "Aren't you listening?"

"What?!" the boy said. "It's easy for you guys to act that way, your parents are all alive!"

"My mother isn't," Setsuna told him. "Neither is Ayase-san's beloved grandfather. And Miyazaki-san might as well wish for her parents to be dead instead."

"I, I, I don't!" Nodoka said.

"Yet you won't see us daring to cross lines that should remain uncrossed," Setsuna kept on telling Kotaro. "If you've suffered a loss, do what we did, and get over it without looking back or putting on a silly costume to wreak vigilante vengeance on the unspecified evils of the world! That is the measure of true strength!"

Kotaro squinted critically at her. "If you were to lose Ojou-neesan here, you'd enter the War for her, wouldn't you?"

"Without any hesitation," Setsuna quickly replied.

"Ah-hah!" a vindicated Kotaro pointed at her.

"But I'd have lost all of my strength without Ojou-sama!" Setsuna added. "While you claim to still be strong, so I'd expect for you to not resort to such desperate measures!"

"Kuro-san said the Grail couldn't revive the dead, at most simply create shallow wraith-like creatures based on them," Yue pointed out while reaching for a fresh carton. "At most, it could give spirit-beings a permanent corporeal form, but that apparently has its own problems."

"Actually, I was thinking of summoning Ojou-sama as a Caster-sama instead," Setsuna said.

"Set-chan!" Konoka chided. "You'll call me Caster-chan instead!"

"She isn't even dead yet, why do you keep exploring that morbid scenario?!" Kero yelled.

"Besides," Konoka said, "I'm not a legend, how could I ever ascend to that Throne of Heroes thing?"

"I'm sure Caster-sama, I mean Ojou-sama, I mean Caster-chan, I mean Kono-chan, will become an unmatched golden legend someday," Setsuna smiled.

"Awwww, Setchan, that's so sweet of you…! Hubby!" Konoka cooed.

Kotaro blinked. "Hubby?"

"They married each other in Ohtori, sort of," Yue explained.

"We, we didn't!" Setsuna cried.

Kotaro grunted. "Ohtori. Figures. I thought you were acting fruitier than usual. Well, at the very least I want to fight a few of those Servants myself." He grinned, crackling his knuckles. "What kind of idiot would miss the chance to fight the Hitokiri Battousai, or Miyamoto Musashi, or Oda Nobunaga the Demon King?"

Yue quietly rolled her eyes. "Please, a copy of a Servant beat you all black and blue, do you really think you'd fare any better against a real Servant? There's a reason why those people became legendary figures in the first place. None of us could compare to them. You'd need to be, I don't know, Superman-sama to stand a chance."

"Yeah, well, about that," Konoka said, "now that Nodoka-chan's got the Saber card, she can use a Saber spirit to fight, like with all the other cards, right? That'd be an incredible boon for her. Capture enough of those and maybe you could even fight a real Servant, Nodoka-chan!"

"Don't say that nonsense, Clow Card Captors aren't intended to catch Class Cards!" Kero panicked. "Those are totally different things!"

"Finders keepers!" Konoka pouted, wagging a finger at him. "If Nodoka-chan found, fought and subdued that card, Clow's or not, she's entitled to keep it! If someone walks into town looking for it, I wouldn't give it up! Where were they while the Card wrecked havoc, hmmmm?"

"Ojou-neesan's right," Kotaro nodded, "I'd say you earned the right to keep that thing, Pink Panties-neechan."

"W-Will you stop calling me that? It's so embarrassing!" Nodoka blushed.

"Why don't you try using it, Nodoka-chan?" Konoka suggested.

"What? No!" Kero cried. "There's no telling what could happen!"

"Well, if the card starts acting up again, Neechan'll just sic her tentacle thing on it and that'll be it, right?" Kotaro scoffed. "Besides, I want a rematch!" He punched his fists together. "I'm ready this time, let's take it outside!"

"I won't be having any of my cards fight anyone for sport, Kotaro-kun," Nodoka scolded him before pulling the Card out of the book. "But, if someone comes looking for it, I guess I should learn first if I'd be a good Master for it or not." With a level of Hot Bloodedness she'd never have displayed before embarking into a typical anime quest and falling for not one but two Shounen heroes with their own different levels of stupidity (even if only emotional in Negi's case), she waved the card and said, while Setsuna eagerly shielded Konoka with her body and Kero shrieked, "SABER!"

The air around her and the card seemed to… blink and glitch, there was no better verb for it, briefly distorting as a type of magic was employed in a way that didn't exactly match with the way it had been intended to follow. After this initial moment of sputter that made Yue seriously worried about Nodoka's safety and Kero to downright faint, however, the system seemed to reach a compromise of sorts and, instead of manifesting the spirit of the Saber card, wrapped Nodoka in a nudity-showing, clothes-ripping-and-replacing transformation sequence that made her yelp in surprise and Setsuna to quickly cover Kotaro's eyes with her hands. It didn't last any longer than the standard actual Pactio transformation for this universe, or those of the Sailor Senshi, and by the next very moment, Nodoka stood there wearing an exact copy of Saber's blue battle gown, boots and gauntlets… except for the fact the sword in her hand was made of wood.

It was no boken or shinai, it was a literal wooden sword of a Western style, like those very small children would use to play pretend.

Where those little children actually bought those things is another matter. Have you ever seen them being sold anywhere? Thought so.

"…" Nodoka said.

Konoka stared in stupefied shock, blinked, and a moment later began laughing hysterically, slapping her knee.

Yue sighed. "Well. I suppose that's what happens when you use magic in a way that wasn't intended to be. Kero-san was right, this wasn't such a good idea. At least nothing actually dangerous happened…"

Nodoka stared at her wooden sword, gave it a stiff, disbelieving small swing in front of her…

… and immediately destroyed the bedroom's TV set with a massive blast coming out of the ridiculous looking toy.

"GAH!" Setsuna gasped, after instinctively tossing Konoka on the carpet and covering her with her body.

It was Yue's turn to utter a mortified "…"

Kero's fallen body just twitched.

Kotaro chewed on his lower lip, clearly thrilled.

"Um… I'm sorry about that!" Nodoka gasped, blushing even more now. "I, I'll pay for the TV, I'm sure my parents will understand, they won't be too mad, and, and, and, and…!"

"Oh, don't worry about that, I'll just ask Grandpa for another, I've been wanting a big flatscreen anyway" Konoka said from where she enjoyed the close contact with Setsuna's body all so very much. "You're still telling Asuna-chan, though."

* * *

 **Next: Tohsaka Sakura.  
**


	3. Carnival Phantasm, Season One

Akamatsu Ken and Kodansha created and own _Mahou Sensei Negima!_

Nasu Kinoko and Type-Moon created and own _Fate/Stay Night_.

We make no money from the creation of this fanfiction piece.

* * *

 **Fate: Unequally Blade Works.**

 **Extra Chapter One.**

* * *

 **By OverMaster and Shadow Crystal M** **age** _ **.**_

* * *

 **Prototype**.

My name is Sajyou Ayaka, and I'm the worst.

No, really, I am. I'm the lowest of the low.

How low, you ask? Let me put it this way: I look exactly like Bella Swan.

Yes, that low.

I've survived my relatives, all of whom were more talented and skilled than me, by several years. Ten, as a matter of fact. Ever since, I have sort of wandered through life with no purpose or meaning, just going through the motions, like the Pokemon anime.

I study at Ohtori, one of the best four schools in Japan, but my grades are the lowest of the class, and have been each preceding year too. I have no friends and boys or girls don't ask me out, which in this hormonal of mix and match sexual tension means a lot. I'm not popular, and actually I'm fairly sure people talk badly about me behind my back, and not in the 'wow, isn't she awesome' kind of way. The worst thing is I can't even care, because that's the kind of awful, mediocre person I am.

I used to be bullied in Elementary School, but ever since Junior High I sort of gained the ability to meld in the background, so to speak, to never stand out, so people wouldn't even notice me. And I learned that felt even worse, but once again, I didn't have the drive or courage to improve on myself, to make myself a person others could love and respect. I don't care anymore, if I'm loved or hated or ignored. That's how low I've fallen.

I used to have a penpal, who I wrote to through old-fashioned snail mail, but I haven't heard from him in years. My last letter from Emiya-san talked about how his kohai was coming to his house and cooking for him, and nothing after that. I understand. I guess he'd rather deal with a girl who was right there.

I don't want to be involved, I don't want to do anything. That's the kind of miserable person I am, and just look at this, I'm sure I'm sounding like some worthless emo, too. I simply shuffle from one day to the next, and I have no idea what will I do when I graduate late this year. I suppose I'll keep on living at my family's old home and find myself a low paying job so I can keep underperforming until I die alone. That's the most likely outcome.

Or at least, it used to be.

My father and older sister died ten years ago, in the Fuyuki Holy Grail War, a contest between magi to gain control over an all-powerful wish granting device. I don't remember the War beyond Father leaving with Sister to take part on it, but I do remember everyone expected for Father to be chosen as the family's representative. Instead, the Command Seals marking one as the clan's chosen magus appeared on my sister, my beautiful, musical, gorgeous sister, who was so graceful and skilled and loving at everything she did. Of course it would be her. She had to be.  
Father and Sister never returned from Fuyuki, and a man calling himself Eishun Konoe came to me bearing the news they had disappeared during the city's destruction. He was very kind to me and even offered adopting me, but apparently his own clan forbade him from doing so.

Maybe I would have turned out better as his daughter. Who knows? There's no point in dwelling on that.

From what Konoe Eishun told me, ten Servants took part in that war, ten Heroic Spirits bound to their magi Masters. Saber, the swordsman. Archer, the bowman. Rider, the mounted cavalry. Berserker, the savage madman. Assassin, the murderer striking from the shadows. Lancer, the spearman. Caster, the mage. Stealer, the pillager and looter. Vigilante, the nocturnal stalker. Shielder, the protector. Sister was the Master of Lancer, who I only met once, but was the most gallant and charming person I have ever met. He briefly spoke to me after finding me wandering across our garden, shortly before they left, but Sister soon saw us, and that was the single time I ever saw her angry at me. She forbade Lancer from ever seeing me again, and the next day, they had left forever.

Nothing hurts anymore, except the fact the last thing I remember from Manaka is how coldly she looked at me during her departure and told me I wasn't allowed to borrow her Barbies until she got back, even though mom said the Barbies were for both of us and she was just the caretaker.

After that, I knew the next War wouldn't take place for another sixty years, if ever. I made it my purpose to be the last of my lineage, so no other Sajyou would ever lose their lives in a Grail War. Even if I lived that long myself, I'd be too much of an incompetent old fool to fight in it, either.

I never expected, much less wanted, for this to happen.

* * *

The bell rang. And a certain Caren Ortensia paused in her writing, checked that it was her turn to answer calls on the chalkboard on her wall, sighed, and then marched towards her church's front door.

"Yes...?" she asked, opening the gates and facing the nervous girl with dark brown hair and glasses at her doorstep. Perhaps God's doorstep, more accurately, although in Caren's own opinion...

"Ummm, h-how are you, you don't know me, but, my name's Sajyou Ayaka, and, well, I believe we're supposed to contact you when something like this happens..."

Shyly, trembling, she rolled a sleeve up and showed Caren the red marking, shaped like a thin, elongated blade, on the back of her right hand. Caren blinked only once, but otherwise made no sign of surprise before silently inviting her to walk in with a gesture.

 _This is all That Man's fault, somehow, I just KNOW it…!_

* * *

 **Eleven Years Ago**.

"So, as you can see," the hideously twisted little man with the dark eyes full of evil standing at the Konoe's doorstep summed up, "by giving Konoka-chan to our care, not only will you be relieved of the effort of her upbringing in the middle of your important duties of looking after the Kanto and Kansai Associations... but we will help her realize her full magical potential sooner, yes we will!"

Konoemon, Eishun and Kouko took advantage of the evilly smirking wrinkled mummy's momentary pause to give each other perplexed looks, with tiny toddler Konoka tightening her hug on her father's legs even more.

Finally, Konoemon gave the visitor a jaded glare and dryly asked, "Seriously, Makiri-kun? _Seriously?!_ "

"Ho-ho!" the other old man laughed, slamming his walking cane once on the doorstep. "I'm sure Konoka-chan will love our wonderful farm of Happiness Worms! She's got the radiant face of a true animal lover! And afterwards, assuming my worthless grandson ever achieves anything, we could further bind our families together though a mar—"

Eishun simply slammed the door on his face.

"... is this a no?" Zouken's voice came from the other side of the door.

"Seriously, Father," Kouko told Konoemon, "how could you spend three whole college years rooming with this man?"

"There's a reason why I was drunk most of that time, and he was nowhere as bad as this back then..." Konoemon sighed. "The 1870's were a different time."

"... seriously, you have gained a powerful enemy today!" Zouken's voice promised.

"Anyway, don't you think we should warn everyone else about him?" Kouko asked the two men with her.

Eishun hummed thoughtfully as he picked Konoka up in his arms and finally shook his head. "No, they most likely would just feel offended I insulted their intelligence. After all, who would be stupid enough to fall for this?"

"— oh, you have a dog! I shall start by kicking him! Ow! Accursed beast! It has TEETH!"

* * *

 **That's Cheating!**

"No, I won't do it," Negi said.

"C'mon, Negi-kun, it might be important!" Haruna pleaded.

"If Saber-san wishes for her identity to remain a secret, we must respect that!" Negi argued.

"But we need every edge we can get in this situation!" Misa said.

"Why would we need an edge against Saber-san? She's on our side!" Negi protested.

"Yeah, well, that's what she and Emiya-sempai say _so far_!" Misora pointed out.

"I'm sure Kuro-san would have told us if they were up to something bad!" Negi countered.

"You mean the same Kuro-san whose sister Illya-san did _not_ command her gigantic, monstruous, murderous Berserker to kill her beloved brother, but to protect him, Sensei? The Kuro-san from the universe where things were _that_ different?" Sora reasoned.

"..." Negi said.

Then he walked into the next room, where Saber was happily eating rice from her fifteenth bowl of the afternoon. "Saber-san, may I ask you something?"

She looked at him. "What is it, Negi-sensei?"

He placed a hand on her forehead and closed his eyes. "You won't mind if I, um, simply touch you for a moment to, ah, learn on the body temperature of a Servant, which might be an important factor in this War, as it should be different from that you had during your human life, when you still—"

"Sensei," she evenly said, "not only are you not testing my temperature, but just mentioning my prior life will not necessarily make me reflect back on it, and even if it did, my Magic Resistance skill is ranked A, meaning you won't be able to read my mind unless you happen to master grand sorceries equal or superior to those found in the Age of Gods. I can take your most powerful spell to the face and laugh it off."

"Sooooo..." Chisame asked him as he walked back into the room where his students waited, "how did it go? Who is she?"

"Well... I suspect she's an ancestor of Anya, since nobody else had ever made me feel like such an idiot with so little effort..."

Sora was still frowning, as if deep in thought. "Sensei, if Kuro-san were Illya-san's sister in the other world..."

"Yes?" Negi said.

"And... _you_ are her sibling in this world..."

"Yes...?"

"Does that make you this universe's Kuro-san?"

There was a horror-filled silence as the words sank in.

Misa screamed like a damned soul in anguish at the thought.

* * *

 **Worthy Adversary**.

Out of all the friends and foes alike Artoria had battled through her long, blood soaked career as a warrior and ruler, none had been braver than the Black Knight. She always would respect the likes of Diarmuid, Shirou, Iskandar the Great, Negi, Mordred, Darkwing Duck, Rin, and even Gilgamesh, but never had she witnessed courage and willpower such as that exhibited by that admittedly witless soldier that glorious day when…

"Now stand aside, worthy adversary!" Artoria warned after cutting her adversary's arm off.

Far from being intimidated, the Black Knight growled, undaunted. "'Tis but a scratch!"

"A scratch? Your arm's off!" she protested.

" No, it isn't!" he claimed.

Angrily, she pointed down at the arm on the bridge's floor and demanded, "What's that, then?"

Her enemy looked at it for a moment and gruffly said after a reluctant pause: "I've had worse!"

"You liar!" Artoria said.

"Come on, you pansy!" he challenged her again.

With a grunt of fury, Artoria charged ahead once again, swinging in full force and slicing off the Knight's other arm. ""Look, you stupid bastard, you've got no arms left!" she pointed out then.

"Just a flesh wound!" the Black Knight replied, blood flowing out of his stumps in all directions.

With a rough sigh of exasperation, Artoria struck yet again, this time cutting the Knight's left leg and leaving him awkwardly tittering on one booted foot, spraying blood everywhere.

This seemed to really anger the Black Knight now. "Right! I'll do you for that!"

" ** _You'll do what?!_** " a fully disbelieving Artoria cried. "What are you going to do, bleed on me!?"

"I'm invincible!"

"You're a loony," Artoria sneered, shaking her head before waving her sword one last time, now chopping the final limb left, so the Black Knight's armored torso dropped on the floor with a loud clang. Exhaling in faint dismay, she walked past him towards her destination, even though the dismembered Knight kept on shouting furiously at her.

"Ooh, ooh, I see, running away, eh? YOU YELLOW BASTARD! Come back here and take what's coming to you! I'll bite your legs off!"

Later, much later, during her third life of sorts, Artoria would learn the alleged descendant of that brave man had also taken the moniker of 'the Black Knight' and joined the team of costumed adventurers and do-gooders self-named 'The Avengers'.

Good for him, she guessed.

* * *

 **For the Sake of Research**.

"Okay, you stop right here, Negi. Yeah, that's it," Asuna nodded, as her teacher stopped before Saber, the boy looking utterly puzzled. "And you stand right there, yeah, that's perfect, Saber-san. Stand still for just a sec, don't move a muscle. Yeah, like that."

"What's this all about?" Shirou asked Keiichi.

The older but also shorter young man shrugged. "Looks like it's something else to test Saber-san's anti-magic abilities. I was too afraid to ask..."

"Right, so here we go," Haruna said, stepping behind Negi and holding a small pile of pepper under his nose as his other Ministra and Skuld quickly bolted away to relative safety. _"Banzai...!"_

Negi looked up and panicked. "Wait, no, what are you trying to AAAAATCHOOOOOOO!" he loudly sneezed just as Haruna quickly blew the pepper at his nose.

The very next second, Saber's white blouse and long blue dress had been completely blown off her body and into tiny shreds floating around her. She only blinked slowly, while Negi, Itoshiki, Shirou, Keiichi and Rito all plopped down on their backs.

"So, thusly we can callibrate Saber-san's anti-magic has at least a few limits to it, much like Asuna-san's," Satomi nodded to herself while taking notes. "Now, if we could run the same test again in your battle armor, Saber-san..."

Saber spoke coolly as she summoned said armor on herself. "There's no need for that, this armor wouldn't even be scratched. You only had to ask."

"No hard feelings, though, right?" Asuna chuckled, with a hand behind her head. "Hakase and Paru and even Eva thought the test wouldn't work as well if you guys were aware of how it'd go, to say the least. 'sides, getting accidentally stripped by Negi is kind of part of our initiation by now..."

"Getting accidentally fondled by Rito-chan comes next," Haruna warned.

"No, it doesn't!" Rito protested.

"Then comes the spanking and the oral."

"NO, IT DOESN'T!"

"I feel no shame," Saber said. "As I've said before, think of me, not as a woman, but as merely an instrument of war. I don't care if I'm bared in battle, as long as it doesn't harm my performance against the enemy. Such trivial concerns only drag a warrior's drive and spirit down."

"Well, that's good to hear, very mature, too..." Asuna nodded.

"Still, as the saying goes, 'When in Rome, do as the Romans do', and since in this day and age one is expected to react with violence to this kind of incidents, it would be disrespectful of your culture for me to act anyhow but this..."

And she leapt on the girls to unleash a Huge Ball of Violence on them.

 _"EEEEEEEEEEE!"_

Ironically, the actual Roman with her face on her would have just laughed it off.

* * *

 **Nihilistic Temptations**.

Hoshino Ruri dreamed a dream that wasn't hers.

In her dream, there was a beautiful, intelligent young woman who loved a younger, handsome and intelligent boy, and the boy loved her back. But the boy turned away from her, and she just sat back, still and silent, as he marched away, wrapped in a long, gray hood and cape, disappearing into the dusty distance.

The girl sat alone in darkness, some strange short-haired person kneeling in front of her and licking her between the legs, surrounded by several faintly glowing screens that nearly made Ruri salivate, as they belonged to extremely advanced computers, many of which Ruri had only seen in prototype schematics Gauron had forced her to steal. Others looked even more advanced than that. But this girl, despite owning so many glorious, magnificent computers, sat in gloom and regret, with dead and unhappy eyes that chilled Ruri, and frankly made her feel bad as well.

Eventually, the girl got to work on an artificial intelligence project that, from the technobabble Ruri could vaguely hear being discussed in the background by several faint voices, would help run the boy's dream project, a tower linking Earth to Mars. Ruri got a clear view of this tower as well, and it was frankly magnificent, the kind of visionary dream only the most ambitious futurists would have. It sat at the middle of the mostly flooded Japanese coastline, and it seemed to shine with an impressive silver and white glint, stretching out into the blackness of space. It was a breathtaking sight, and Ruri didn't get impressed easily.

And yet, soon, disaster followed. The tower never fell, but the world around it burned, consumed in the chaos of war, of man turning against his brother everywhere, as horrors flew over each world and from one world to the other, and standalone movie sequels to Twilight were made. Raining doom upon both of them, as the lonely old woman and her devoted stalker died alone in the middle of her workshop, forgotten and unmourned, with only the A.I. running over her screens watching over her in her last few moments.

And the worst part of it all was, while that happened, the hooded, stalking form of the boy, now a changed, broken shell, wandered like a specter of death over the ruined lands, presiding over the bloodshed, warfare and Vampiring World of Stephenie Meyer movie franchises…

* * *

Hoshino Ruri woke up, startled, and found herself alone in her bedroom, again barricaded from the inside as in every other night, the better to keep the horrors prowling outside at bay. Then again, Ruri knew, for all of her intelligence, the chief horror governing the Ha-Hacienda was even smarter than her. Should the Joker put his mind to it, he'd easily direct the others through her defenses, to do of her whatever they wanted. Ruri knew only two things truly kept her safe; Quartum's erratic at best, dry and casual decision to keep her relatively safe, and above all, her Servant's loyalty, which was not fully assured either.

It was then Ruri realized she wasn't truly alone, as Temptress was not far from her, the Servant's back to her, working on her laptop, which glowed faintly in green, much like the screens in the dream. She only wore a tiny, flimsy pink negligee, along with her nekomimi and fake tail, and her small pale feet were bare. "Bad dreams, Master?" she asked, without looking back.

Ruri sat on the bed's edge, her pale face expressionless. "Your wish for the Grail, Temptress. What is it?"

She had expected for Temptress to refuse to give it up, forcing her to threaten her with the usage of a Command Seal, even if Ruri would not truly resort to one just yet, and would have to back away if Temptress still refused.

Instead, Ruri got her answer immediately, much to her surprise, or at least the first part of it.

"I hate heroes," Temptress said.

"What?" Ruri said. It wasn't a very smart or elaborate question, but was direct enough, and she was a girl of few words, all as short as possible.

Temptress paused her program and closed the laptop. She still wouldn't look back, though.

"Villains are despicable," she said, "but as long as they aren't trying to pass for heroes, I can respect them. I haven't cracked the Joker's skull open yet because he hates heroes… no, the concept of heroism as much as I do. Heroes are just villains who delude themselves and others into thinking they are forces of good. But that's not true. A 'hero' only escalates conflicts, because there can't be heroism without confrontation. In the end, a hero only brings pain and misery to everyone around them."

Ruri listened silently, as she was prone to do. Temptress finally looked back over her small shoulder and the lacy support line hanging from it, and pouted, apparently displeased by Ruri's lack of input. She still kept on explaining, however.

"I'm going to wish," Temptress said, "for the destruction of the most harmful hero this world or any other will ever see, and for that of all his supporters. That way I'll bring peace to this world, at least as much peace as this doomed world could ever have. I'll even make sure there's a future for you somewhere, Master. It shouldn't be that hard. I can fabricate any sort of new identity for you, anywhere in this planet, and…"

"What will you do after that, Temptress?"

"Nothing," she honestly replied. "I don't expect to survive past the Grail War's end. I don't want to. You're no magus, so it's not like you could support my continued existence in this world anyway. But like I said, I want it that way." She smiled at her, not like the sultry, controlling smile she gave others, but in a warm, slightly tired fashion she had all but forgotten long ago. "I'm not even a real girl. I'm a ghost of the future, an echo from someone else's dream, a projection of a dead woman's life's work, turned into pain and sorrow. I'm not the kind of person you'd want with you very long, Master."

Ruri very slowly blinked at her Servant. "Temptress."

"What?"

"Anta Baka."

Temptress laughed it off, not devoid of humanity, but still devoid of joy. "Oh, Master, you're still so young. You remind me a bit of him, before his ideals corrupted him. But unlike him, you'll be okay, because you don't have those insane, stupid dreams of being something else, something bigger than the rest of us. You know your place," she said, reaching over to softly touch Ruri's forehead. "You are Hoshino Ruri, and you're aware of that. You don't harbor delusions you'll change the world, or that you have to live up to anyone else's legend. And I can respect you for that."

"You're a Heroic Spirit yourself."

Temptress snorted, very cutely. "I hate that term. But then, I guess I hate a lot about myself on general principle; that's why I'm not bothered I'll be gone soon. If my disappearance is necessary so the last vestige of that man's legacy can disappear, then so be it. I suppose you could say I'm more like a Wraith, but the Grail isn't picky about such things lately."

"I see," Ruri passively said. "And how do you expect to win the War in the first place?"

"I'm an extremely weak Servant, I know that," Temptress admitted with a shrug of shoulders. "One of the physically weakest ever summoned in any recorded iteration of the Grail War. Angra Mainyu would no doubt defeat me easily in one-to-one, face-to-face combat."

Ruri, who was well read enough, paused. "You mean Angra Mainyu, as in—"

"Sort of, it's a complicated story," Temptress handwaved it. "Even so, I hold a trump card. Besides seduction, my skills include another type of persuasion- that of forcing any and all computer systems to do my bidding. And, well, this is a little known fact, but this universe? It runs on a super computer system of sorts."

She opened her laptop again, pressed a sequence of keys, and with a smile, made a gigantic holographic model of Earth appear over them. "My original creator dabbled in the mechanics the divine beings established to keep this universe running, including those related to Heaven's Feel. By accessing and hacking into Yggdrasil's databanks, currently missing their top three operators and keepers, the Norn sisters, I can obtain key information on anything and anyone short of God Himself." She smirked both sultry and impishly, rubbing her chin. "And there's no greater power than information, even those of divine chains and hardened muscles."

"Give me examples, please."

Temptress ran a closeup of the Four Schools area in her holo-model. "By reading into the magi-signatures the Grail is building up as it manifests, including its links to the Servants intended to feed it, I can get information on all participants on this War, and hack my way into the very foundations of the Throne of Heroes that spawned me." As she said that, images of a blonde woman in a long blue armored dress, a fit man in tight dark blue holding a lance, a grinning green faced man wearing a stark yellow suit, and several others appeared superimposed on the Mahora map. "I can read their identities and attempts to make preparations even before the War starts. Technically, I could even hack into Russia's nuclear silos and drop a nuclear missile on Mahora, killing all the Masters at once, except because that'd do us no good… I'd also burn the leylines rendering the Grail useful to us, so my efforts would be for naught…"

As she sighed, Ruri only could absorb this information with as much shock as she could muster. "Temptress!" the normally emotionless girl said. "If the Joker ever learned you hold this much power…!"

"Eh, why do you think he has this room bugged? Just to see if we ever start making out and making wild hot girl on girl computer nerd love? It's okay though, I filled all of his listening devices with nothing but simulations. Even if he listened to us now, he'd hear nothing but you sleep breathing and my tapping on the keyboard and masturbating."  
Ruri blinked. "I'm bugged? I looked for bugs…"

"He's smarter than you," her Servant easily reminded. "Anyway, what still makes the War difficult for me is, even if I can get instant information on any Servant, that doesn't mean I have the power to make good use of it. That's why I'm going to need to manipulate others, mainly to turn the Servants on each other, but thankfully that's my Class' specialty. Even so, I'm going to need your Command Seals near the end of the War, Master."

"How so?"

Temptress sighed. "Through the Seals, a Master can get their Servant to strain themselves past their normal capacities, even achieving what could only be called miracles. But I'm very weak, and what I have in mind might require two or even three of your Seals boosting me in the exact key moment of my scheduled endgame. I'm trusting you for that moment, Master."

"Okay," Ruri blandly said.

Temptress raised an eyebrow, telling herself that had been too easy, but decided not to push on the subject for the time being, as that would only be counterproductive. Instead, she waited until Ruri asked her next question, "And what are those other three dots on the other schools?" while pointing at the smaller beeping signs on different locations around Mahora.

"Well, that might be an unexpected complication, but we also could use it in our favor," Temptress answered. "Further investigation is needed, but it seems they are budding manifestations of lesser Grails. The Mahora Grail is taking too long to be summoned, so the energy pulsing from the Root through it is pushing to erupt somewhere or another, to put it on layman terms. Unless the Mahora Heaven's Feel is completed soon, new Servants and Masters might start manifesting all across the area. Hmph. More heroes," she sneered. "Just what this world needed!"

"Only one more question, Temptress."

"Sure, ask away."

"You said your creator dabbled in the mechanics the gods themselves came up with. Assuming gods are even real—"

"Once you start believing on Servants, gods aren't that much of a stretch anymore, are they?"

"—why would your creator do something like that?"

Temptress scowled slightly. "Because she was a woman in love."

"This man she loved," the Servant exhaled, "and through her, the man I loved, had these great, typically foolish dreams of heroically helping the world and creating world peace and such nonsense. To achieve them, he had to learn of the systems a mage from the Old Ages copied from the gods themselves who created the world. With that knowledge, that mage created her own realm, and that is the World of Magic that man wanted to save alongside this one. In the end, however, he only doomed both."

"Or rather, will doom them," Ruri understood.

Temptress nodded. "The Throne of Heroes exists outside of time itself. We can be summoned from any point of human history, past, present, or future."

Ruri nodded back, carefully, as if afraid her head would drop off her neck from the movement. "But then, why don't you just ask that man, that boy, to—"

"You said only one more question, and you already used it, Master," Temptress said as she calmly returned to her work.

"Yes," Ruri said. "Definitely, there's nothing more idiotic than a scorned lover."

"We couldn't agree more," Temptress said. Then she grinned and wagged her eyebrows at Ruri. "So, how about it? Feel like trying out some wild hot girl on girl computer nerd love?"

A pillow flew at her face. "Idiot."

* * *

 **We Will Guess Your Name Yet!**

"Tarzan!"

"No, he never existed either. Literary character!"

"Momotaro!"

"No."

"Harry Potter!"

"Literary character, Asuna-san!"

"Robin Hood!"

"I actually fought him in the Grail War, but never during my first existence."

"Gulliver!"

"Asuna-san, please, he's also fictional!"

"Adolf Hitler!"

"Perish the thought. Also, Godwin's Law? For shame, Asuna-san."

"Sorry, I didn't know that was illegal, although that doesn't sound like a Japanese law. Peter Pan!"

"Asuna-san… Please, please stick to personalities who ever actually existed. While fictional characters can be summoned upon special circumstances, I remind you once again I was real…"

"The first man on the Moon!"

"Don't you even know his name? Also, no."

"Jack Sparrow!"

"That was only a movie!"

"King Arthur!"

"I can tell you without lying at all I never fought or allied with King Arthur," Saber stoically said, knowing how to stick to rigorous truth while also being obtusely secretive. Also, knowing she was facing an idiot.

"Damn, this is harder than I thought. The wolfman!"

"Maybe we should leave it here…"

"It's the wolfman, isn't he? It is, it is! That means you are, um… Van Helsing, who actually was a woman!"

"I never met or fought any werewolves, and Abraham Van Helsing is fictional as well!"

Asuna looked disappointed. "You… You mean Dracula wasn't real either?"

"Yes! I mean, no! I mean, Vlad Dracul existed but he was no vampire, everybody in this era knows that! And I never met him either! Professor!" she turned towards where Negi sat reading in a studious silence. "What kind of education are you giving these children?"

Negi answered passively while flipping another page. "You were the one to choose your opponent for this game, Saber-san. But if you'd rather just select someone with actual knowledge of history, or just give up and say it already…"

Saber groaned but, never one to admit defeat until all enemies were crushed, pointed at Makie. "Asuna-san was proved unfit the challenge; I think we all can agree on that. You will be my next opponent. Make your first guess, who did I meet while forging my legend?"

"Robin Hood?" Makie said.

Saber facepalmed.

* * *

 **Overkill**.

"I am Servant Alter Lily Santa Swimsuit Saber," the little, pale, expressionless, frail looking Loli with the gigantic sword and massive bag of gifts, wearing only a skimpy red bikini and a Santa Claus cap, stood before the astonished Shirou in the old shed. "I ask of you, are you my Master?"

* * *

Shirou woke up bathed in a cold sweat and stared fixedly at the Command Seals on the back of his shaky hand. "This... This whole 'Master' thing is driving me mad, isn't it...?" he wondered to himself.

From where she sat right outside his bedroom in dutiful vigilance, a suddenly, slightly troubled Saber briefly rubbed her nose, wondering why she'd just felt a subtle shudder of sorts, before disregarding it as inconsequential.

* * *

 **Definitely not a Preview**.

"Jester," the King of Knights hissed, glaring venomously at the man she had pinned against the wall, her blade's glowing edge against his chalky white, too-skinny throat. The man who had brought nothing but further chaos since wandering into the middle of the disaster the Mahora Festival had turned into, once the Grail War had spilled unto it.

"Well, I never!" came the reply from between yellowed teeth, chaotically arranged between the stretching red lips, like badly stuffed piano keys that were too numerous and elongated for the mouth they had been jammed into. "I've heard and jovially accepted every other insult, but being called a Daredevil villain, really? That's just hurtful!"

"My patience grows thin, buffoon," she warned, her face coming closer to his, enough for her roar to fall squarely on his angular features. "I care not about your inane prattle as long as it has nothing to do with those bombs you claim to have planted in this school."

"Let's settle for this, I think it's a reasonable arrangement," Joker said, managing to put a gloved hand on the flower of his lap, then sprayed a thick cloud of green gas on her face. "I'll tell you everything as soon as you're in my side! Ha ha ha ha ha!"

She simply sneered through the gas, clearly unamused. "You fool! Nothing but magic can harm a Servant, and my Magic Resistance is higher than most. There is nothing you can threaten me with, so I command you, speak now!"

"Ah well," Joker nonchalantly said, rolling his eyes around. "time to go with Plan B then, I suppose."

His other hand, sneaking around Saber skillfully, took her by surprise snipping a pair of scissors through the air, and then cutting her ahoge from the root.

* * *

"— and in further news of the Mahora Academy crisis, the newest reports suggest American terrorist and mass murderer the Joker has begun rampaging across the campus with a grinning blond woman dressed in black and wearing a boomerang-shaped mask, both destroying everything on their path. She also lacks an ahoge. The tactical teams surrounding the school have sent for the Batman and a strike force of trained hair stylists..."

* * *

 **A Day at the Beach**.

"Well," Negi admitted, "I had some trouble letting go at first, but I actually ended up having a lot of fun!"

"So did I," Saber nodded.

"... it wasn't that bad..." Chisame said.

"Even though I was punched into comas at least thrice that I can remember, it was a great day regardless," Rito reminisced fondly. "And sorry about the bikini tops, everyone."

"I really liked dunking my head into the sea," Itoshiki smiled. "I think I managed to die for at least a few blissful seconds around five times."

"We didn't get to save anyone today," Shirou flatly said, looking into the distance. "What a waste."

The others gave him aghast looks.

"What?" he asked blandly, still expressionless.

That was the day they found out he was the only truly hopeless one among them.


	4. Tohsaka Sakura

_Today, in Sakura: Episode 258._

 _After balancing her intense, conflicting, probably Happiness Worm-induced desires for her sister Rin, long-admired Sempai Emiya Shirou, and newly arrived, all-too-cute-for-words foreign teacher Negi Springfield, with help and counseling from her Alter Egos, our heroine Sakura has reached inner peace by pursuing a dream of eventually having Rin, Shirou and Negi as her personal harem. However! A mysterious blonde with a dark past has just arrived from the West, joining Shirou's side!_

 _Will this person be friend or foe? Fight on, Sakura! For the sake of your dreams and happiness!_

* * *

Akamatsu Ken and Kodansha created and own _Mahou Sensei Negima!_

Nasu Kinoko and Type-Moon created and own _Fate/Stay Night_.

We make no money from the creation of this fanfiction piece.

* * *

 **Fate: Unequally Blade Works.**

 **Chapter Three: Tohsaka Sakura.**

* * *

 **By OverMaster and Shadow Crystal M** **age** _ **.**_

* * *

"What I've never understood about the British is your brand of humor," Fujimura Taiga confessed over Shirou's breakfast table. "For instance, Monty Python. I get it's supposed to be bizarre, but what's so funny about having an ugly, hairy guy dressed like a woman, to name an example? That's not comedy, that's just plain old theater, and it can be as dramatic as anything else."

"It's a play on people's expectations," Saber calmly explained while reaching for her third bowl of the meal. She was just getting started. "The humor comes from the blow to our preconceived ideas of how someone in a certain role should look like. We tend to think of men as authority figures imbued with gravitas and high responsibility, while women we tend to associate with levity and grace. By reversing those roles and showing us that, indeed, a woman can take on traits most would consider 'manly' and men may act in ways we perceive as 'feminine', we are forced to accept that and laugh at how absurd our rigidly set ways of thinking were."

"Right, that makes sense," Taiga nodded while Shirou just tried to process what he'd just heard. "But, won't it lose all punch when it's done so often? It's like those games where they try and reimagine famous figures like cute girls. At first it's cute, but eventually you get to Bishoujo Magical Girl Hitler-chan and by then it's all creepy and pathetic instead…"

Taiga paused. "Not that I've ever played those games myself, but I have to confiscate them from Katsuragi Keima all the freaking time."

"Right…" Shirou slowly said.

Saber put her fourth bowl away and prepared for the next round of her surprisingly deep and analytical conversation on transcultural conventions with Fujimura-sensei. "Every instrument of storytelling eventually reaches a point where it's abused and fetishized, yes. Once, a member of the cast having an identical twin was a shocking twist. Nowadays, it's regarded as hackneyed and unoriginal. When it was first made, the discovery that the antagonist was secretly the heroes father was a genuine shock, but today it is more often than not a parodied punchline. However, the beauty of Python is they knew when to stop before becoming caricatures of themselves, and that's what has kept their body of work timeless. That, and you can tell they didn't half-ass their routines, they actually put real effort and dedication in the planning behind the jokes. The humor may come off as childish and juvenile, but is actually rather deep and telling of the absurdist nature of many of our everyday struggles, as—"

"Good morning," Tohsaka Sakura said as she appeared on the doorstep, taking her shoes off.

"Ah, Sakura-chan!" Shirou smiled, glad to have a respite from a conversation he obviously was having problems even understanding, much less following at all. "Good morning!"

"Oh, Tohsaka's sister," Saber nodded at her while chomping her way through the sixth bowl. "Good morning."

"Oh, you knew each other!" Taiga said, quickly looking back and forth between the impassive Servant and the clearly none-too-happy new arrival. "I didn't know that!"

"Well, yes," Sakura admitted as she sat down at her usual spot, right across from Shirou's, subtly glaring at the obliviously devouring blonde sitting by his side. "We met just once, and briefly, but I know all there is to know about Saber-san, that she is a relative of Kiritsugu-san's late wife, from her family in Europe…" she mechanically, stiffly went over the bullshit cover story Rin had told her to recite to every mundane who asked about Saber.

The short haired woman, of course, missed on the complete bullshitiness of said story (she was a Mahora teacher after all, they chose the mundane teachers for susceptibility to bullshit cover stories), but quickly caught on to Sakura's subtle resentment over the attractive young woman who had moved in with Shirou. She made a very kittenish smile and said, "We were talking about British humor, you know. Their culture is hard to get used to, but interesting all the same. I wonder why Kiritsugu doesn't talk more about his in-laws…"

"There was some friction between my house and him," Saber admitted, in a way that managed to be completely honest and yet not indicative at all of what Taiga had just actually asked about.

"D-Dad didn't like being reminded of the pain over losing his wife, that's all," Shirou said while serving Sakura her breakfast, then pulling Saber's empty seventh bowl away. "Sorry about this, Sakura-chan, I forgot it was your turn to cook today, and, um… Saber-san, are you up for another—"

Saber held a hand up magnanimously. "I will have a light breakfast today, Shirou. Only two desserts, please."

"Right. Coming up," Shirou said before darting for the kitchen.

"I know what you're asking yourself right now, Sakura-chan," the teacher teased Sakura then. "You're wondering why I'm allowing for this, for Shirou, my protégé and ward, to live under the same roof as this appealing young woman with no chaperone. Well, apart from the fact I know Shirou would be way too spineless…"

"I heard that!" Shirou angrily protested from the kitchen.

"I know Saber here is more than capable of protecting herself against anything!" Taiga laughed, reaching over to vigorously pat the Servant's back.

"She was protesting and threatening to have me kicked out until I defeated her in a duel of honor in Shirou's dojo," Saber quietly informed Sakura.

Taiga made a sour face. "You're reasonably skilled for your age. No wonder your parents named you after a sword, they must have been real fighting maniacs…"

"My father was one of the greatest swordsmen of his time," Saber confirmed, again completely honest.

As Shirou returned with dessert for everyone, double rations in his Ministra and Servant's case, Taiga said, "Anyway, while I don't think Saber's paperwork is done yet, Shirou assures me she's going to be studying under Negi-kun starting today. That's neat, huh? They've must been missing to have some company from the Isles, so it works fine for both…"

"Wh-What?!" Sakura blinked, the chopsticks in her hand almost dropping from her fingers. She stared widely at the indifferent looking woman who had just moved in with her admired and desired sempai, had shown an expressed interest to strike a Master-Servant relationship with her incestous sister-lover, and was now going to spend most of the daytime with her shota crush, and just only sit there helplessly, wondering what would come next.

Then she saw the upper tip of the colorful card sticking out the breast pocket of Saber's school uniform blouse. And Sakura screamed.

"Ah! Are you okay Sakura?" Shirou asked, while Saber looked on in polite concern. Taiga's smile just grew more catty.

"N-nothing, sempai…" Sakura said. "I, uh, just remembered I left my bedside lamp on before I left the house…"

* * *

On general principle, whether from virtue or arrogance, most Servants disliked lying. An unkind person would say this is because most of them are idiot heroes and thus too stupid to keep lies straight, but we are very kind people here, and so will not do so. And Artoria Pendragon was the most shining example of said behavior.

Misdirection, double meanings, and outright refusal to speak weren't out of the question within reasonable limits, but direct lies were something she despised, and she had resolved they never would touch her mouth. That being said, simply writing a given name on a chalkboard, then turning around and bowing for an audience was not something that counted as 'lying' in her mind.

She'd once been a politician, after all. She was good at the not-lies kind of bullshit.

It wasn't like she was saying her name was 'Saber von Einzbern', that was just something she had written in front of everybody, acting on an idea their very teacher had, and if they chose to interpret it as Saber herself saying that was her actual name, in Saber's opinion, that was their own fault. And naturally, if they and the rest of the school started addressing her by that name later on, far be it for her to be rude enough to correct their innocent mistake in a way that could pull them into something really dangerous.

Saber was the very woman who had once bluntly told her eager, loving son 'You aren't fit to rule' without deigning to explain why. It is worth remembering that at this point in our narrative. Explanations, even helpful ones, weren't her forte, that's what we're saying. An unkind person would say she also had a touch of idiot hero in her, but we're very kind people, and so will not do so.

She was, after all, a woman of few words unless otherwise needed, so anyone would excuse her for not elaborating on what she'd just written. And, to further justify herself within her own mind, she had loved Irisviel, and Irisviel had told her she thought of her as family, so…

Negi smiled weakly as he clapped, saying a more-or-less spirited "Ah, ha, ha, well, yes, let's give Einzbern-san a hearty welcome, everyone…" He was sure he was bound to get Illya even madder after this, but they had to keep the excuse they had given Fujimura-sensei and through her most of the staff, and giving Saber another, made up family name would have just raised far too many unwanted questions. "Um, you may take the empty seat next to Evangeline's in the back row, Saber-san…"

Evangeline groaned while Saber politely nodded at Negi and headed for her desk, drawing… actually, far less looks than she would have at the term's start. Negi fully realized then exactly how much of his class he'd pulled into his personal affairs, and that chilled him. He had to actually fight of the overwhelming urge to declare, "I'm in despair! My failing to keep my secret activities secret from my innocent students has left me in despair!"

Out of everybody in the classroom, only Natsumi and the Narutaki twins were reacting with outright awe and wonder at the new foreign student. Most of the others simply shared looks of quiet resignation and jaded blandness.

Chizuru, Zazie and Satsuki weren't reacting with any more surprise than they'd ever show at any other given event, but then again, that made sense considering their personalities. Asakura's eyes were glinting in anticipation and curiosity, obviously also remembering the little expository dinner in Kyoto, and he knew he'd have to deal with a lot of questions from her after classes, but again, that was completely to be expected and thus almost boring by now.

If anything, the reaction that surprised Negi the most was Chao's. It wasn't that she was freaking out or panicking, but he could swear her face was slightly paler, her posture somewhat more rigid, and her eyes kind of wider as Saber passed by her side.

It was kind of sad, he decided while looking at Saber taking her seat in silence, Evangeline knocking her own face on her desk in slow-mo. This time, nobody was swarming the newcomer from the Isles with all sorts of enthusiastic questions. Natsumi and the twins seemed aware of this as well, from the looks of the bewildered, perplexed stares they were giving to the rest of the class, as if not understanding at all why they weren't mobbing the new girl yet.

Negi sighed while opening his copy of the _Neo Horizon_. It was ironically strange how, now that magic was so widespread among them... the magic was gone, in a way.

"Very well," he said, "I'm glad you all have reacted to the news in such a mature, responsible way. Are you sure you don't want to start a fight, Iinchou, Asuna-san?"

"Why should I bother?" Asuna grumbled, her chin resting on a fist.

"I won't start any fights with endangered species unless absolutely necessary, Sensei," Ayaka primly said.

Negi waited for the other shoe to drop on Asuna, but she apparently had no idea how truly endangered all species of apes were. Oh well. "Right. I'm so proud of you two, then." As Ayaka swooned at the praise and Asuna simply sneered, he pleasantly said, "Now please open your books on page seventy five, and don't worry about Saber-san being unable to follow, English is her first language..."

Saber tensed in alarm. She hadn't told him that! How much had he figured out, already?

Once again, she found herself wishing she could have gone with Shirou as she had insisted at first on doing. She knew from past experiences she could crossdress in a remarkably convincing way, and she was sure she could fool the boys and teachers at the masculine side of the academy easily.

Shirou had almost been convinced of her arguments on the subject too, until Evangeline had pointed out that if the need for Asuna's magic cancel rose again Saber would be better off staying near her at all times. If Shirou was ever endangered, he could summon Saber to his side with their Pactio, and Saber could take Asuna along by simply clutching her while teleporting. She still wasn't sure about risking Asuna's life like that, and Shirou and Negi had been even less keen on it, but Evangeline and Asuna herself had imposed themselves on the subject quickly enough.

Remarkably and decisively imperative, those two. Even Asuna had, when she wanted to, an almost regal pose and attitude.

Out of everyone in the classroom, only Zazie noticed the small blue bird perched on a window's frame, often tilting its head aside stiffly, blinking several times in a quick succession before tilting its head the other side and then doing it all over again. Subtly, she gestured at this bird with a wagging pointer finger, and then the winged creature quickly flew away, disappearing in the sky.

It quickly turned back, gave a turn around the building, and landed on the frame of another window. In that classroom, Tohsaka Sakura, whose seat was by said window, blinked at the arrival of the familiar and, while Nitta-sensei ranted with his back on the students, writing quickly on the chalkboard, she reached over to lightly touch the unmoving bird's forehead with the tip of a finger.

It didn't take her any long to read the simple, little mind of her spy. And then she pouted.

* * *

Yuuki Rito wasn't sure what to think about this whole new Servant craze. Between the quest for Negi's father, Lala's insistence on him becoming the next King of Deviluke, and Skuld's vague allusions to Ala Alba eventually having to save the world through saving her sister, the last thing he wanted to do now was adding worries about wannabe world-destroying cursed cups and ancient warriors on top of all of that. He was the useless son of a workaholic mangaka, for crying out loud, not some kind of overpowered idiot shounen hero protagonist! This was way above his paygrade!

It was just too much all of a sudden for a simple normal guy like him to handle, right? What next, he'd be given a giant goofy weapon and told to go save cartoon worlds from Yaoi fanfiction villains? He'd rather just stick to strictly helping Haruna help her teacher, just so she could get that out of her system already, while finding a way out of ruling over alien planets and leave the world saving nonsense to others.

He was entitled to that much, damn it! He hadn't asked for all of this when he'd asked Haruna out (he thought, conveniently forgetting that technically Haruna had asked him out instead), he'd only wanted a cute girlfriend like any other boy his age! Well, any other boy but Sagara Sousuke and Katsuragi Keima, but those two were weirdoes.

He mulled over that while sitting amongst so many other boys his age in his old comfy normal classroom, where everybody else but that Katsuragi Keima freak were normal (Sagara, thank goodness, was in another classroom), yeah, and at least Katsuragi wouldn't drag you along on weird quests to deal with demons and insane women. There, at the very least, Rito could know some temporary peace. That, and—

He was thinking about that when he grimly realized how, by just thinking about it, he'd jinxed it already. Oh no.

And then good old, frail and small, reliable Honekawa-sensei, with that creaking, faltering and slow voice of his, announced to his students, "Class, I know this is sudden, but we have a new student with us starting today. Please make him feel at home. And, um, well, please introduce yourself, Matou-kun."

Rito frowned, as did most of the boys, except Katsuragi, who was playing in class as usual, when they saw him march to the head of the class, flashing a wide, mint-white grin, the kind that made women swoon and fellow men to wish to reach for baseball bats and brass knuckles. That kind of confident, Casanova, rich kid grin, the kind that thought they had the charisma of, to grab a random and depressing example, Negi-sensei, but didn't. He wasn't bad looking, Rito supposed, but if anything that only made him more punchable on a first impression. He was too manly to look like a non-threatening girly boy, but not masculine enough to make him feel like a bro, unlike Morisato-sempai, for instance.

Rito knew he should be a better man than this and know better than to make judgements based on first impressions, but really, everything about this fellow simply gave him blatant 'bad news' vibes.

He was that conspicuous, for a non-Emiya heterosexual guy at least, and from Rito's perspective, the timing of his arrival only made things worse.

That, and his hair looked like he had dark seaweed on his head. Really, what a stupid hairstyle.

Ren and Rito, who sat desk to desk much to their mutual annoyance, shared a brief glance to silently reassure each other they might have found some common cause at last before going back to look warily at the newcomer.

"I am Matou Shinji," the new student said, swiftly smoothing his seaweeds back with a hand. "And I'm charmed to meet you all. I'm sure we're going to achieve great things together!"

He posed, as if expecting women to swoon or squeal. Unfortunately, this was the still mostly boys-only part of the school, and thus got bupkiss, even from the disturbingly girly-looking kid who'd recently transferred from Ohtori.

"W-well," Honekawa-sensei said as the silence got awkward, "Matou-san, why don't you sit over there, next to Kaiba-san?"

Looking a bit put off and annoyed at the lack of positive reaction, Matou-san moved to do so.

"That one is bad news," Katsuragi Keima said softly, seemingly not looking up from his game. "His type always are… in games. He looks like the kind of character who'd abuse his sister and turn out to be a stupid villain."

For once, Katsuragi's words were met with nods all around.

* * *

 **Bad Company.**

"Shirou," Issei said during the lunch break, "is it true you're spending time now with the English Research Society?"

"Oh, you mean Negi-sensei's club? Yeah, well, I'm not a member, but we thought contact with them might help, ah, Dad's niece-in-law grow used to life in Japan, so I thought I'd tag along to help them with it."

"You're aware that club includes a mad scientist, a Yaoi doujinshi author, a man who attempts suicide several times each day, someone who also partakes in the SOS Brigade, the infamous Perverted Beast, and a girl unbalanced enough as to wear a fake devil's tail everywhere, right?"

"That man is a respected teacher, Issei," Shirou reminded him.

"I know he's a teacher, Shirou," Issei inflexibly said, refusing to admit the 'respected' part. "That doesn't change the fact he needs help none of us are qualified to deliver. We're Japanese, after all."

"They're good people, you're worrying too much about it," Shirou shrugged it off. "Besides... Dad's niece insists she'll only be staying for a month or so. Afterwards, I don't think I'll have any reason to stay in everyday contact with them anymore."

"Well, that's probably for the best," his friend opined. "I mean, I know that's no business of mine, but some company are entertaining but dangerous, Shirou. I'm sure Sakura-san feels the same, too."

Shirou blinked. "What does Sakura have to do with any of this?"

"Nothing," Issei flatly said. "I was just casually commenting, that's all."

"Ah," Shirou said, and quietly went back to eating.

Issei inwardly breathed easier. Definitely, last time he agreed to help that vixen's sister with anything. She might have been a far more pleasant person than Tohsaka Rin, but still.

Even so, it felt nice to see Shirou wouldn't spend too long around the Yaoi artist after all. Issei suspected she could get a wrong idea about his relationship with him...

It's important to keep in mind here Ryuudou Issei was no stranger to blissful, unrealized denial.

* * *

Taking aim, then shooting. It was easy enough, even when she wasn't feeling at her best. Sakura didn't let her personal feelings disrupt her concentration while shooting at the club's archery range after classes. Instead, as Rin had advised her to so long ago, she used them to gain a better focus, sharpening her resolve and senses.

Right now, for instance, she wasn't letting her mind aimlessly wander to what Saber-san might be doing with Negi-sensei or Sempai at the time, that was pointless and would only stress her further. Instead, she used her current turmoil to her advantage, to shift her mind's eye as to imagine the red target at the other end of the training hall replaced by something more suitable, like, perhaps...

"Bullseye!" Taiga-sensei clapped as Sakura's clubmates cheered, the arrow having found its way directly into the center as soon as it had flown through the air. "Way to go, Sakura-chan! You'll make it to this year's regionals for sure!"

"You're too kind, Sensei," Sakura warmly smiled at her, pushing all thoughts of heads with golden ahoges out of her mind. "I'll keep trying my best, but, um..."

Taiga frowned a little as she saw her descending into a troubled silence. "Something wrong, Sakura-chan?"

She shook her head slowly. "No, nothing, it's just... um, how many days would I have to spend out of the city for... for...?" "Sakura," the short haired, athletic Mitsuzuri Ayako said as she approached her, distracting Sakura from her daydreaming. "There's a boy at the door looking for you. Never seen him before, but he's kinda handsome..."

"A boy?" Sakura blinked out of her dangerous mental images of the Lion playing around while she was away, claiming the dog, the cat and the mouse as its prey. In case you were wondering, the dog was not too smart but endearingly loyal with his cute red fur, the cat was lovably shrewd as cats are prone to be, and the British was the most adorable little thing, always nervous but polite.

The young man waiting for him right outside when Sakura walked out to greet him was indeed very handsome, she supposed, although lacking Emiya-sempai's more traditional 'reliable macho' charm or Negi-sensei's 'vulnerable sensitive guy' appeal. More like the 'worldly, smooth talking variety', even if his hair was sort of funny looking.

The girls seemed to like him a lot, judging from their shared whispers and subdued whistles while Taiga tried to hush them as all of them spied from the inside. Groaning slightly to herself, Sakura tried to block them out as she smiled at the newcomer. "Yes, how may I help you?"

"Tohsaka Sakura, right?" he smiled back, turning on the suaveness with a subtle tug of his mouth. He took her hand and gallantly kissed it with a bow. "You don't know me, but I've heard so much about you. My name's Matou Shinji."

"Matou!" Sakura gasped softly, instantly recognizing the name.

He nodded. "Yes, I'm Matou Kariya's nephew. I understand your reaction, but... please let me reassure you I don't approve of anything he did ten years ago."

 _He didn't go anywhere far enough_ , he thought.

"Uncle doesn't spend a single day without regretting what happened to your parents, Sakura-san," he added, actually being far more honest than he thought he was being. "But even if he didn't, I'd wish for nothing but to bury the hatchet between our families."

 _In your backs, preferably_ , he thought.

Softly, he told her, "It crushed Uncle, you never write back to him. Every birthday and Christmas, you just send his gifts back, and while I think you have every right—"

"Th-that's my sister's decision, and I have to obey her, as the head of the family," Sakura uneasily said. In truth, had it been up to her, she would have felt inclined to forgive the man over what happened to their mother, having nothing but vague yet fond memories of him, but Rin had been adamant on the subject. "It's not that we hold any real ill will against him, it's just... Rin feels it wouldn't be proper."

"I see," Matou Shinji nodded, and Sakura could hear her clubmates' sighs and sniffles at his heartfelt plea. "I respect that, Tohsaka-san, I really do, but... my Uncle is a sick man, even now, and I fear he could die any day now. I'd be eternally thankful if I could get you to rejoin him, even if only briefly..."

 _But permanently, that'd be much better!_ he thought.

"Um," Sakura doubted, beginning to feel something stir within herself at his display of intense emotion and lean figure. A romantic would have called it the start of something beautiful, the birth of a chance for old wounds from past horrors to finally heal, bringing two long opposing lineages together at last.

A cynical would have called it the worms within her reacting, waking up at the discovery of a new target, hungrily beginning to gnaw inside of her, telling her, in their own twisted way, this guy was hot too...

It was most probably nausea though.

"I-I don't think I can take a decision on this so easily, Matou-sempai, I—"

"Then, what if we discuss it over dinner?" he asked with a hopeful smile. "I've been told of a wonderful place you have in this campus, would you mind terribly if I treat you for a nice talk?"

"Uh, well, you see, I have to consult with my sister, and—"

"You're your own woman, Sakura!" one of the girls shouted.

"Don't miss the chance, Sakura!" another one cried. "Or I'll steal him away, I'm warning you!"

"Dammit, Sakura, that guy's rich, I know it from a good source! Are you crazy?!"

"BE QUIET ALL OF YOU, LET SAKURA MAKE HER OWN DECISIONS!" Taiga began roaring at them.

Sakura, with several long hairs randomly sticking out her hair and a slight twitch on her eyebrow, flatly told the good humored-smiling Shinji, "The Chao Bao Zi, right? It's been a while since I last ate there, why not...?"

* * *

"Yes?" Tohsaka Rin asked after fumbling a bit with her cellphone. Yes, she was that bad with technology. No, really, she was REALLY bad. Her phone was a Nokia, and it still took her five tries to find the right button to answer a call!

"Nee-san," Sakura's voice answered. "I just called to let you know I'll be a bit late tonight. I'll be having dinner at the Chao Bao Zi with... well, a boy."

"A boy?" Rin repeated, slightly raising her voice just so and frowning as Vigilante suddenly materialized behind her chair. She'd been sitting at the dinner table going over some leftover homework Professor El-Melloi the Second had left her for her stay in Mahora, of which there never seemed to be any shortage of no matter how much of it she completed. She suspected the Second Magic was involved somehow. "Don't tell me you and Emiya..."

"N-No, it's not him," Sakura quickly denied. "Um, well, it's someone I just met today, but..."

"JUST MET TODAY?!" screamed the Master and the duck carefully listening over her shoulder.

They could literally hear Sakura's pout over the phone. "Mou... You don't have to be so testy, I can take care of myself! It's a public place in broad daylight, nothing will happen!"

"Sakura," Rin sternly said. "You know things will be... hectic until this... well, these things end. Who is that boy?"

"Well... Remember Uncle Kariya? It's his nephew..."

"YOU'RE GOING WITH A MATOU?!" Rin screamed at the top of her lungs, panicking. "Sakura, what the hell's going on through your mind! We'd been expecting the Matous to make their move, remember? And we were sure it'd be nothing good!"

From the toilet stall next to Sakura's, an annoyed Jakuzure Nonon, sitting on the porcelain throne, tapped on the thin wall separating them. "Would you keep that conversation down?" the rose-haired petite girl growled, inwardly cursing these Mahora idiots and their unruly noise. It'd take a miracle worth of Satsuki-sama's efforts to whip them into shape. "I'm trying to, um, concentrate here!" she said, holding up the picture of Satsuki and getting back to, ah, business.

"Ah, sorry, sorry!" Sakura gasped, then pulled the cellphone closer to her mouth and whispered urgently, "Neesan, I thought you said the Matous were finished, that they couldn't take part in the War anymore!"

"When did I ever say that?!" Rin protested. "There's no small enemy, that's what I'm always saying! Where are you now? I'll go there immediately!"

Sakura sighed, holding the phone up so Rin could listen to the delegate from Honnouji next door, currently staying over to prepare the accommodations for the visitors from her school, flushing her toilet to cover up the sounds of her, ah, concentration. "I'm at a public restrooms, and Matou-kun's waiting outside," Sakura said then. "I can't abandon him like that right now, or he'll get suspicious, and things will worsen one way or another. He seems sincere when he says he wants to make peace with us, and—"

"Sincere, a Matou?" Rin grumbled. "Nonsense! Sakura, I hate to bring this up, but you of all people should know—"

"Yes," Sakura said then, her voice suddenly chilling and sharp. "Yes, of course I know. But I won't hold that against that boy, who was just as old as you were then, over what that man did."

"I'm not saying you should," Rin argued, "but—!"

"Just like I won't hold it against Father either, since at least he could have prevented it," the still unusually tense and bitter Sakura said. "It's okay, I'll find his intentions out for you, Neesan. I might not be a superpowerful warrior like some other people, but I can prove my worth as a Tohsaka, too."

While Nonon stormed out of the restrooms, mumbling all the way about Mahora and stomping past a silently smirking Shinji who couldn't help quietly agreeing with her, Rin was saying, "Sakura, what's with you today? Listen to me, I want you to stay right where you are, and I'll be on my—"

"Sorry, can't hear you right now, Neesan," Sakura said while flushing her own toilet. "If you want to, you can meet us at the Chao Bao Zi. Sorry, I promise I'll handle dinner all next week to make up for it. On my own, no Alter Egos. See you then..."

"Dammit, Sakura!" Rin said. "Will you just listen to reason? You— No, you won't," she sighed, lowering the cellphone as the call had just been cut short. It took her three tries to make sure the call was over. "Stupid overcomplicated smartphone! She's at that age, you know," she told Vigilante, with an exasperated glance back over her shoulder.

The Servant nodded while adjusting his hat on. "I can sympathize. Well, what are we waiting for, then?"

Rin frowned, took a look at the list of contacts Sakura had prepared for her on the darn phone, and her eyes lingered on Emiya's name for a moment before she shook her head, pocketing the device. She most likely couldn't have made the call anyway. "Nothing. So let's get dangerous."

"..." he said. "Was that supposed to be funny, cute, or what?"

"What? I share your dreams, you know!" she said. "This is your own fault, dreaming so much about dogs made of water and cybernetic mafioso bulls will affect anyone after a while!"

"Yeah, yeah," Vigilante said, making sure his Gas Gun was loaded. "Come on, let's go stop your sister from cheating on you."

"Shut it," Rin growled as she made for the door.

"You know, I'd have thought the two of you would have come to some kind of agreement about this sort of thing before now," Vigilante said as she followed her, switching to astral form. "Instead, you're getting… what do you call it? Netorare'd?"

"Shut it!"

* * *

 **Unfair Trade**.

"Welcome, Negi-kun," Headmaster Konoe said after Shizuna closed the office's door from the outside, and Negi quietly entered, sitting before the old man's large desk. The principal looked at him, noticed how he didn't look quite as small compared to his furniture since their first meeting in the flesh, and then told him, "You might be wondering why I called you here so quickly after your classes were over..."

Negi had no choice but to nod, noticing how oddly pale the headmaster looked this afternoon, and growing worried about him.

Konoemon sighed. Then he addressed him and the other teachers who had been standing around the office when Negi had been brought in, apparently saving the chair specifically for him, which only concerned Negi even further. The notables present included Nekomome, Ririko, Mido, Akashi-sensei, Gandolfini, Nijuin, Touko, Takahata, Sister Shakti, Mikado and Nikaido, so the office, wide and spacious as it was, still was pretty much crowded, adding to the mildly suffocating sensation oppressing Negi around the collar.

"As your elders present here already know, Negi-kun," Konoemon said, "the World Tree's reserves of magic, every twenty two years, happen to overflow and flood our campus with a potent pulse around the days of the incoming School Festival."

"What kind of magical pulse, Sir?" Negi asked. "Is it something that could endanger the student body? Does it awaken a terrible, immortal man-eating creature that feeds on human flesh for twenty three days before it goes back into hibernation? "

Konoemon paused and gave him a strange look. "No, of course not. We had Doctor Strange take care of that. Why do you ask?"

"Konoka had us watch _Jeepers Creepers_ last night," Negi said with a shudder.

"Yes, well," Konoemon coughed, "it's still a very serious situation. Across that week, the Tree's gathered power will spread, looking to latch onto the desires and longings of our inhabitants. Now, as powerful as it is, the Tree's excess magic can't grant wishes on a global scale, like world subjugation, or anything that breaks too many rules of the natural order, like changing into an omnipotent creature or making vampires sparkle. However, it has occasionally affected our charges before in subtler but also potentially dangerous ways. Are you familiar with the legend of the confessions around the Tree, boy?"

"Not really, sir," he confessed. "Please enlighten me."

Konoemon reached for a glass of water while gesturing at Takahata to continue for him. Takamichi did so without missing a beat. "Negi-kun, one of the urban legends circulating among our students says that if you confess to a loved one directly under or very close to the World Tree, especially during the Festival, that person will then return your love unconditionally."

"Seriously?" Negi blinked.

Takahata smiled. "Well, that's what the rumors say. We have found no conclusive proof that happens at all during normal periods, but during the weeks of magical activation every twenty two years, there is a definite danger of the power looking to grant the wishes of the students involved."

"So," Negi summed up, "there is a good chance, if someone confesses during the Festival, those confessions would indeed result in a requited romance. But I don't see how that—"

"You're still young, Negi-kun, and can't be expected to understand the true risks of this situation," Konoe said. "But please think about it. The elemental magic flowing from the Tree, in itself, has no moral code, no real sense of good or ill. It'll simply attach to the strongest wishing hearts and struggle to affect reality so their desires are fulfilled. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean those wishes and those of the other parties involved, the people listening to the confessions, will match in every case."

Negi nodded slowly. "I see your point. There's a real danger the magic will affect the minds and hearts of some students just so they're more receptive to others, affecting their own free will, right?"

"That's correct," Konoemon said. "Congratulations, you have grasped part of the problem quite quickly. The other part, of course, being realizing the wishes do come true could endanger the secrecy we are sworn to protect."

Briefly, Negi had a pang of Satomi-inspired feelings on the subject, on how the most important part of it all, even over the mental integrity of the students, was the danger of being found out, judging from Konoemon's tone and his colleagues' agreeing nods and expressions. In all honesty, it made Negi feel sort of uncomfortable, more so than when he'd been led to believe he might be scolded or sanctioned over something or another.

He still shook that off his mind as best as he could to deal with the matter before him. "Then, we should take measures to make sure that won't come to pass, shouldn't we, Sir? Of course, I'm sure you already have set them in place and you'll only need for our cooperation. I'll gladly lend my help to the endeavors, and I'm sure I speak for everyone with—"

Konoemon gestured at him with a hand. "Now, now, slow down, young man. I'm very thankful for your enthusiasm, but that won't be a concern right now. The overflow of magic from the World Tree has been halted for this year at least."

"By what?" Negi asked, blinking in curiosity.

Konoemon hummed in a deep, low tone, shaking his head slowly. "Why, by these dark affairs our contacts in the Church keep us well informed about." As Shakti stood her ground with no change on her face, he added, "The good new is, this Festival we won't have to worry about, ahem, blocking our students' expressions of affection for each other. The bad news is in trade for that, we get a foreign source of powerful magic leeching the Tree's excess reserves, and probably, I fear, even more than that."

"Even more, Sir?" a suddenly worried Akashi asked. "You hadn't told us about that!"

Konoemon coughed, standing up and making his way to his window, supported on his cane. While looking out towards the beautiful campus, with his back turned on the teachers, he solemnly explained, "The Grail of Fuyuki chose our lands as a replacement for its own because they could supply it with a constant amount of mana through the World Tree. But the Grail is a hungry little customer, it seems, and to sustain itself and those of the Servants it has brought for, it's siphoning magical power at a remarkable pace of late."

"Oh my God," Akashi had paled, even more than the visibly shaken Touko and Negi. Takahata had just pulled a cigarette out and began puffing on it in a thoughtful silence, while Ririko and Nikaido folded their arms and shared a frown with no small amount of bitterness.

"We aren't close to critical levels just yet," Konoemon informed, "but this means we will have to worry about more than the collateral damage this accursed War might bring forth. So I want all of you to keep a vigilant eye out, more than usual, on any unusual developments in this campus. If your magic starts faltering for no discernible reason, report to me on the double. Any sightings of Servants and their Masters are to be brought to my attention immediately as well. Is that understood?"

"Sir! Yes, Sir!" Mido-sensei saluted. "Er, what counts as more unusual than normal developments, sir?"

"Things that look like they belong in the last 5 episodes of an apocalyptic action story, Mido-kun," Konoemon said.

"What, people coming back from the dead, giant robots, bigger orgies than usual, teachers finally managing to get a date?" Mido said.

"To name a few," Konoemon said, nodding.

Everyone turned to stare at Akashi.

"Oh, ha ha," he said. "Just because none of you ever manage to get a relationship to last more than a bombed date is no reason to think my love life is a sign of the end times!"

"Hey!" Mido said.

"Your relationships don't count Mido, we all pretend they don't happen anyway for the sake of our sanity!"

"I'll bring Takane-kun's team with me on redoubled patrols until you tell us to stop, Sir," Gandolfini lowered his head.

"That'd be nice, indeed," Konoemon nodded. "Takamichi-kun, I want you to establish a search on the rumors of extra Grail-related activity probably glitching into existence from the other three schools." This made Negi gag on his own tongue while Takahata nodded sharply. "Shakti-kun, keep an eye out on Kotomine-kun from now on. Nijuin-kun, Touko-kun, you and Seruhiko-kun, who is on patrol duty now, keep tabs on the visiting students to make sure none of them alter the situation any more than strictly necessary. I trust you to assign the surveillance teams of your choice to carry out these orders."

"What about us, Sir?" Mikado asked, as she gestured for a cigarette and Takahata silently handed it to her, then lit it for her.

"You will be working in tandem with Kitami Reika-kun from Honnouji to maintain a the health of all students, from Mahora or anywhere else, during the Festival," Konoemon answered, walking over to hand her a small piece of folded paper. "Kitami-kun is a former student of Mahora, and... well, everything you need to know about her is written here. Nikaido-kun and our honorable exchange teachers from Yokai Academy will be handling creature control with Tatsumiya-kun and Sakurazaki-kun. Orphans, Hollows, Witches, Magical Girls, masked vigilantes, Twilightards, I want all of them inactive and out of the streets during those three days."

"Sir," Ririko Kagome smirked dangerously, her glasses glinting. "You flatter us with your trust."

"You are authorized to resort to any means you deem necessary, up to and including… asking nicely!"

"Aw!"

The old man exhaled, not really wanting to give any signs he was doing it only because of a lack of better alternatives. "Please see that you don't disappoint me then, Ririko-kun. As for you, Akashi-kun, Negi-kun, I have a special assignment for you. The rest of you are free to go now and resume your duties. For any questions you might have, please feel free to call my personal number after hours."

As the rest of the teachers quickly poured out of the office, Akashi locked the door at a subtle gesture from Konoemon.

"Please come closer, Akashi-kun," the Kanto elder told him, and Akashi could only obey, just as docile as Negi had been. "I want you two to help me find all Servants and Masters. Keep your distance from them, but I want all of them located and identified. Kotomine-kun has invoked the Church's mediator rights to keep them a secret from me, but that doesn't mean I can't find them through men I trust."

Both men of said trust who hadn't quite told him everything they knew on the other Masters gasped. "But, Sir," Negi doubted, "why would he do that...?"

"Oh, I don't fault him for doing so," Konoemon quickly said. "He is supposed to keep it a secret from me, through the prior agreements between his order and the Tohsaka, Matou and Einzbern families. However, we can't allow that to halt our own hands. Already, at least one man has died in an incident related to this War. A magus going by the name Atrum Galliasta, newly arrived from Europe, was recently found killed in an illegal laboratory set within our city. We found proof of illegal experimentation, notes related to prior Wars, fake fangs and body glitter amongst his belongings."

"Oh dear...!" Negi took a lot of air in.

Konoemon nodded. "I have reason to think, from the gathered evidence, he managed a Servant summoning, and probably was murdered by his own Servant for… well, I'd rather not speak of it in front of Negi-sensei. Now, that Servant is probably already dead now as well, from a lack of mana, but if they have managed to stay alive through consuming souls or forming a Contract with another Master, there's no way of telling—" He offered the now very pale Akashi a glass of water, "Thirsty, Wataru-kun? You look like your throat has gone dry all of a sudden."

"Th-Thank you, Sir," Akashi said, accepting the glass with trembling hands.

"Think nothing of it. Regardless of Galliasta's intentions, however, I feel obligated to answer his family's cry for justice. Your first step should be locating that rogue Servant or managing to find sufficient lack of evidence of their continued existence. And, Negi?"

"Y-Yes, Headmaster?"

"Please keep on watching on your newest student while you're at it, will you?" Konoemon said.

Negi gasped. "Sir! Have you found some reason…!?"

"Oh, only instincts gained from being an educator for many years," Konoemon said. "She's a mysterious new transfer student who came in as we are about to have a crisis. I figure there's a very high chance she'll suddenly be dragged into this mess against her will, the poor girl."

Negi just nodded. It seemed safer that way.

* * *

Rin stopped a moment after leaving her house, pausing on the sidewalk and looking up at her rooftop with a fierce scowl. Vigilante's spirit form came to a grinding halt by her side.

Rin squinted, shifted her eyes around to check there was nobody else in the street at the time, and whipped out a handful of shiny gems, one between each pair of fingers. "I'm in a hurry, so let's make this short," she growled. "If your teacher wants to watch over me, fine, I get he's worried about you. But don't insult my intelligence pretending I haven't noticed."

There was a tiny blip of electricity on the rooftop, and then a diminutive floating sprite shaped like a too-cute mouse floated down, rubbing the back of its head with a chubby paw in a way that was all too reminiscent of Negi. "Sorry 'bout that," the mouse said in a cutesy, squeaky voice that sounded speeded up, "but both Mother and Father agreed on this. I'm just following orders, Tohsaka-sempai!"

"Mother?" Rin grunted. "Let me guess... the pockmarked NEET, right?"

"Who are you calling a NEET, you relic who can't even use a computer!" a young woman's voice screamed at her, literally coming out the ears of the now cringing sprite mouse. "I have no idea how you'll last past high school in today's world! Hell, I have no idea how you're doing your homework NOW!"

"I have no time for this idiocy," Rin mumbled, turning around and rushing down the street remarkably fast, Magic Circuits powering up to enhance her legs. While she was no Misora, she looked like she was running while only putting half of the physical effort she'd have employed without using magic. She was aiming for a balance between her natural energy and magic, since she was fairly sure she'd end up needing equal parts of both.

Much to her annoyance, the flying mouse seemed to keep up with her and Vigilante all the same. "Okay, what's going on now?" it asked in the voice of Negi-sensei's chief flunky/fangirl. "It's your sister, isn't it? She hasn't returned home yet, despite this being late for her. And then there's the fact—"

"Exactly how closely do you spy on us?" Rin grunted.

"Excuse me," the force controlling the somewhat uncomfortable looking mouse spoke, "but I was under the impression you were perfectly capable of saying when you were being watched or not?"

"Don't get smart with me, NEET," Rin warned her. "Just because you let some weirdo stalk you, that's no reason to believe normal people are like that!"

"You don't even know the first thing about normal people!" Chisame's voice protested. There was a beat. "Do you want us to send someone? Negi's currently busy, but I think I can ring up Kagurazaka or Sakurazaki, or even Nagas—"

"No thanks," Rin said while turning a corner. "We can handle this fine ourselves."

The voice of the entity hijacking her own mouse sighed. "You don't get it, do you? Negi didn't suggest this so he could keep others safe from what you're doing. He wanted it done so we could protect you. Personally, I thought that was skewed priorities and innocent bystanders should be the point, but you weird magic people are messed up in the head."

"Then tell him I don't want or need his protection," Rin brushed it aside.

"That's the way he is, and it's not like he's the only suicidal idiot around with the 'This is something I've gotta do on my own' mentality around here. Not saying any names, of course."

Rin seethed, screeched to a new stop, spun around to snatch the mouse in mid-air, and squeezed it tightly in her fist. "Don't you start lecturing me on my duties as a Master, NEET!"

"I'm just an innocent puppet!" the mice squealed, now with its own voice again. "Mooom!"

Rin yelped as Hasegawa sent a brief electric pulse through the sprite, forcing her to let it go. "Hands off Mugi, okay? Very well, I won't bother you anymore. This is another 'Master and Servant' piece of bull, right? Then let Emiya-sempai handle it with you."

"What— No!" Rin protested. "You leave him out of this!"

"Hello, Emiya-sempai?" she heard Chisame's voice as she accessed another communication link. "It's me. You know. Hasegawa. Yeah, that one. No, I just got your number from the Mahora mainframe. No, don't be stupid, I have access to everyone's number. Listen, can you and Saber-san head over to the Chao Bao Zi?"

"What?!" Rin let out a strangled scream. "How did you know—!?"

"A sec, Sempai," Chisame's voice paused from the call she was giving Shirou before blunting repeating for Rin, "I have access to everyone's number."

"If you had me bugged, then why did you ask me all that to begin with?!" Rin protested.

"I believe in giving everyone a fair chance," Chisame said. "You still there, Sempai? Oh, Saber-san is all ready to go, right? Figures. Yeah, well, good luck, whatever. Not like I care, this is clearly not a problem for Ala Alba. What a waste of my time. Okay, bye."

Rin fumed and hissed at the sprite floating before her. "You're dead, you hear me? Dead!"

"Nice, then maybe I can return as a Heroic Spirit, have someone summon my in this war and kick your ass," Chisame snarked as she made Mugi wave goodbye to Rin. "Good luck with the sister anyway. I can sympathize with being the caretaker, I guess."

"Don't you even—" Rin reached over as if to squeeze again, but then the sprite just blinked away, vanishing from between her fingers. She sneered and shook them off as if to take the touch of technology off her skin.

"So, um," Vigilante's disembodied voice rasped impatiently, "are we going to save Sakura and keep her from cheating on you, or not?"

"Oh, just give me a break already! I'm going!"

* * *

Chao was away doing more preparations for the Festival and Ku Fei was out training, so that left Satsuki and Chachamaru taking care of the Chao Bao Zi, not that there were too many customers left to attend to by now. It was already late, nightfall wasn't terribly far away, and most students had already retreated into their homes by this time or, like the Narutaki twins, having sex in the bushes.

However, the blonde at Seat 5-D was more than doing her part to keep Satsuki busy while Chachamaru worked steadily in the kitchen; while normally it'd be the other way around, cooking at the pace this customer demanded required for even more speed than serving her, so they had shifted the arrangements around. The blonde girl ate at truly impressive rate, downing bowl after bowl of Miso soup and plate after plate of still steaming nikuman, all the while the red-haired boy sitting by her side looked miserably into his open wallet.

Satsuki was just taking another emptied plate back to the kitchen when Tohsaka Rin arrived. "Where is she?!" she greeted Shirou, looking in all directions. "Did you send her back? Because I didn't run into her on my way here. You haven't seen her, have you?!"

"Good afternoon to you too, Tohsaka," Shirou nodded, quietly pocketing his wallet back. "No, Sakura's hasn't been here yet. I tried calling her, but she's just not answering. You?"

"She hasn't answered my calls ei— Fine, I can't use this, okay?!" she exasperatedly said, holding her cellphone up. "That's not important right now!"

"You don't know how to use a cellphone, really?" Saber asked as Satsuki came back with another order. "I got it right on my first try..."

Groaning inwardly at being outdone at basic tech by someone from centuries ago, Rin failed to hear Yotsuba's gentle, "Good afternoon, what will you be having?" Shirou answered for her, leaning closer to whisper into Satsuki's ear, and the chef nodded quietly at that before walking back out of sight.

"Come on, let me see it," Emiya patiently gestured at her, and Rin mumbled as she handed him the phone. Shirou stared a moment, taking him a moment to recognize the phone because he hadn't seen the model in ten years, made a basic check, and said, "You've got seven messages already. Don't tell me you didn't hear the ringtone?"

"I thought it only rang when it was malfunctioning?" Rin blinked.

Saber and Shirou gave her a bland look.

"Sakura and I don't need to call each other a lot, and I don't hand my number around lightly, okay?! Besides, I just got it this Christmas!"

"We're almost in June now..." Shirou observed before going through the messages, "Let's see, 'I have your sister', 'I repeat, I have your sister', 'Are you paying attention? I have your sister!', 'Don't ignore me, damn you!', 'Help, I'm a Wakandan noble who needs your help to remove my money from the country', 'Tohsaka, I challenge you to a duel!' and 'You know, you just call me back when you can'. Damn it!" he growled, growing suddenly fierce and frustrated, eyes burning, going into Hot Blooded Shounen Hero Mode after his deadpan recital of the messages. "I can't believe it!"

"Neither can I," Saber quietly said after putting her latest bowl of soup away. "For our enemy to have kidnapped Tohsaka's sister, a magus herself, in the middle of a public institution and in broad daylight... He must be more capable than we had assumed, Shirou." She called out. "We're leaving, please one more order, this one take-away!"

"Okay...!" Satsuki's voice said from behind the car's curtains.

Rin had paled hideously. "Oh my God, Sakura! This is horrible! Okay, no one panic! We just have to find him, then kick his entrails out of his body and save her! Also, we're filming a movie for the school festival!" she hastily added, turning around to face the rest of the few customers left, who were approaching to see what was going on.

With subdued words of understanding, the customers returned to their tables and to caring about their own business.

"... I'm starting to understand how one could get away with a kidnapping at in daylight at this school," Saber commented. "Thank you," she said, grabbing the warm wrapped package Satsuki had just brought for her. "Well, Shirou, pay so we can leave, will you?"

"Okay," Shirou nodded, shifting abruptly from his fuming indignation to perfectly civil acceptance. He handed his credit card to Satsuki. "You accept plastic, right?"

"Of course we do. Um, I couldn't help overhearing. About that kidnapping case you're filming, Chachamaru-chan could go with you to help film, she has a lot of experience helping to solve simulated kidnappings..."

"Oh, thank you, but I don't think we need any more actresses," Shirou said, completely missing the inflections in Satsuki's voice.

"Emiya-kun," Rin told him flatly.

"Well," Shirou said, standing up and cracking his knuckles together. "Let's go find that guy and film his final scene, right?"

"Emiya-kun," Rin repeated herself, while subtly nodding and gesturing at Yotsuba, who nodded back before walking back for the kitchen.

"No time, Tohsaka, your sister's in non-peril, why are you stalling now?!" Shirou said as he gestured for her and the facepalming Saber to follow. "You should be the most worried about Sakura being placed into completely inexistent danger in the filming of this movie!"

"That guy's gotta be the worst actor ever," Momioka Risa whispered to Sawada Mio over their shared pot of Chinese meatballs with noodles.

Mio giggled and nodded back. "He's hot, though...!"

"Oh, I don't denied that," Risa whispered again. "There's something to be said about the hunky, strong, dumb type... They're usually hung like bulls, even if they're just as smart!"

Rin and Saber sweatdropped while overhearing that (not that Risa was bothering to whisper too low) and the ensuing sharing of devilish giggles, although Shirou seemed completely oblivious, lost in his Reality Marble of asskicking plans. "Okay, first thing is you'll call him back and find out where he's filming his movie! Then we'll crash his stage and— Um, well, I think we can figure the script out from there!"

"Wow, he's really drawing out this metaphor," Vigilante said to Rin.

Chachamaru walked to Rin and Saber's side, bowing at them and handing her neatly folded apron to the dutiful Satsuki. "Good afternoon, Sempais, Saber-san. I'll be glad to help in any way I can. Shall we be going, then?"

"Yeah, we shall," Rin said, putting a hand on the blinking Shirou's chest and beginning to push him away before he could ask anything. "Thank you, Yotsuba-san, I promise this won't take long, you'll have her back before..."

"Oh, actually, I was about to close anyway," Satsuki said. "It seems our provisions for the next three days have just been depleted..."

* * *

When Sakura woke up, she had a thick rope tied around her waist and she was hanging from a domed ceiling. In addition, her hands were also firmly tied behind her back, and her legs dangled too far above the floor for her to find any footing to try and escape.

"Oh, great," she sighed, briefly closing her eyes. "I'll never hear the end of this from Nee-san."

"You'll be lucky if you ever hear her again, Tohsaka-chan," said Shinji, who stood under her with a smug smirk and folded arms. Sakura scoffed at him, folding her legs together as to minimize the risk of giving him a pantyshot. "Do you like the view from here?"

Sakura looked outside, through the large window of the mostly shadowy room, and saw their surroundings were covered by ruins she recognized. The sisters had made sure of studying and memorizing the whole of the campus over the years, even before learning about the premature Grail War's arrival. Rin had said the knowledge could pay off at any given time, and right now Sakura had to agree with her.

The area was that which was devastated by the tremors during the great cataclysm fifteen years ago; afterwards, the faculty had deemed the sector too costly to repair on the current budget, choosing instead to build more reasonably priced installations elsewhere in the district after barricading the ruins and forbidding access to students and passerbys alike. There'd been an attempt to rebuild seven years ago, but that had ended up destroying the place even worse and had driven someone in the college robotics department to supervillainy, which was why the Wayne Foundation's donations were no longer accepted. She had been brought to the old abandoned observatory, which still looked stable enough as to stand for now, but she doubted it could stand hosting a clash between fully powered Servants.

"What did you do to the perimeter guards?" she asked him. Rin and she had the hardest time getting around them when doing their research on the barred area, and more than once they almost got themselves caught. Perhaps they shouldn't have tried to have sex in that empty classroom…

Shinji chuckled. "I disposed of them with the most powerful force known to man!"

"Ah," Sakura understood. "You bribed them so they'd take the night off?"

"Precisely!" Shinji nodded. "You aren't all that dumb for a Tohsaka, other than the part where you fell for my act. But who can blame you, since I'm such a sublime actor? Maybe they should've made you the Master instead of your sister. Is it true she pleases old men for money?"

"That's just a sick rumor invented by girls envious of her," Sakura said, subtly trying to work her hands free only to freeze at the sight of the figure standing guard close to Shinji, silent and stoic. Sakura immediately stopped struggling; she was fairly sure she could get herself off these binds easily enough thanks to Rin's training, but that'd be for naught with a Servant watching over her. She knew she'd never make it to the door in one piece.

This Servant was female, rather feminine looking, as a matter of fact. She was tall, very tall for Japanese standards, but slim and graceful in appearance, not overly muscular at all. She wore a perfectly white, exquisite bridal dress, complete with a silk veil that covered most of her face but her delicate jawline. For some reason, the tiara she was wearing seemed to have a horn that had been awkwardly cut off by boltcutters. In one hand she held a massive mace that seemed too big and heavy for someone like her, but Sakura knew all too well about the abnormal strength any Servant would possess. Even Vigilante had shown impressive displays while helping around the house, like hefting the whole refrigerator over his head so she could sweep under it.

"Meet Monster, my Servant," Shinji introduced the silent girl, who bowed respectfully to the uneasy Sakura. "She is to kill your sister's Servant if they ever make it here, into the heart of my trap. Of course, that will never happen, which is sort of a shame, but so be it, worthier challenges await her ahead."

Sakura narrowed her eyes at him. "Does your uncle know you're stooping this low, or are you doing this on your own?"

Shinji sneered. "I don't have to answer to any finished old man. He gave his blessing to my participation, yes, but the plan's all mine."

"I see," Sakura said. "And do you think he'll approve once he sees what you've done?"

"He'll have to," Shinji replied. "I'll have succeeded where he and my grandfather failed, and I'll validate the Matou name at last. What would you know about that? Your family never amounted to anything. When we created the mechanisms for the Grail War, all you supplied were the grounds for it, and now you don't even have that to your name."

Sakura fumed at his words. "And yet," she said, "you thought you could only take me on through subterfuge, striking at me from behind. My sister's going to snap you in half. And then she'll stop being nice."

"Don't get cocky girl, you're only the means to an end. Merely bait," Shinji wagged a finger at her. "I didn't have to bother going all out on you, and as for your sister... well, you'll have to see that when the moment comes. In the meantime," he smiled creepily, wriggling his fingers, "why don't we have some fun to pass the time?"

Sakura cringed, trying to pull back and stifling a scream...

... only to yelp a moment later, when Shinji grabbed a long pole and began poking her nose with it. "Tohsakas drool, Matous rule!" he mocked her. "Tohsaka Rin pleases old men for gems! Nya ha ha ha, you married into your worst enemies! You had the best damn Servant in a war and you still lost!"

"What, what, what in the world?!" Sakura protested, trying to headbutt the pole away. "I, I, I thought you were going to, to, to...!"

Shinji paused, blinking. "To do what?"

"Well, you know," Sakura uneasily rasped, shifting around and blushing. "That thing... villains do with the heroines caught in their clutches..."

Shinji blinked again, genuinely puzzled. "I've already locked you up in a tower, haven't I? What, were expecting a gorilla and flaming barrels falling down a construction site?"

"Aren't you going to ravish me?!" Sakura screamed, the worms inside of her collectively facepalming, despite having no hands, at this guy's cluelessness. Really, you'd have thought he was an idiot shounen protagonist instead of an idiot shounen villain.

Shinji and his Servant blushed violently, stepping back. "What?! What a perverted woman!" Shinji gasped. "Do you think I'm some sort of pervert!? Matou Shinji, a vile rapist?! Who'd ever think of such a nasty lie?!"

It was Sakura's turn to blink. "You mean you aren't slimy enough?"

Shinji scoffed, placing a hand on his chest. "Please! Do I look that desperate for a woman? I'm a playboy! I'm rich, powerful, clever and a devastating charmer! Women everywhere fall for my beauty, worthy of Adonis himself! I only have to snap my fingers and ladies everywhere fall at my feet!" he laughed, snapping his fingers.

He waited for a moment, then coughed, "I snap my fingers and ladies everywhere fall at my feet!" he repeated, snapping his fingers once more.

Monster got the clue, moved stiffly before him, slowly dropped at his feet, and monotoned a bland, "Ooohhhhh..." as she did so.

Shinji placed his hands on his hips and laughed hysterically. "That's right! I'm a superior man, and I won't sully myself by touching a Tohsaka! Do you think I haven't read Grandfather's notes? I know you're all full of disgusting, filthy worms inside, woman!"

Sakura bristled in fury and indignation, then spat on his face. "Hey!" he protested, wiping the saliva off with the back of a hand.

Tears flowing off her eyes, Sakura ranted at him. "Do you think that's funny, what your grandfather did to me?! Don't you think I at least deserve some apology for it!? I wasn't holding it against you, but learning you'd use that to mock me, that just tells me you're the worst of the worst! Do you have any idea how horrible that was?! Have you ever stopped to think how'd you feel if you'd been thrown there?! I still have nightmares about that! If not for my sister and my Sempai, it'd have broken me inside, and you treat it as a sick joke! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!"

As she descended into a fit of sobbing, Shinji cringed, then rasped. "W-Well... if it's any consolation, it's not like I'm going to kill you... look, all I'm going to do is to kill your sister and finish your family's legacy, but after that, I promise I'll let you go..."

"Do you think you make anything better by saying that?!" the Rin-raised-and-fucked Sakura exploded, madly kicking around, trying her best to swing a kick at him but failing each time because of the distance...

That was, until Monster, who had quietly slid behind her during Shinji's questionable reassurance, subtly pushed her forward from behind using her mace, and so Sakura could swing a vicious kick on Shinji's face.

"MONSTER!" he yelled, rubbing his deeply reddened cheek from the floor.

"I. Am. Sorry, Master," the Servant passively said, as if struggling to utter each word. "My. Hand... Slipped."

Shinji grumbled while standing back up, and Sakura gave Monster a curious back glance. "Yeah, right, slipped. You should learn a few things about respect from Rider."

"Rider?!" Sakura gasped, turning her attention back on him.

Shinji chuckled. "I'm full of resources, hadn't you noticed yet? I'm a born leader, and I know whom to gather to my cause. Even before arriving at this two-bit school, I had already met and bested a Master and his Servant. Of course, being as magnanimous as I am, I recognized their potential and agreed to spare them as long as we could enter a mutually beneficial agreement."

Sakura swallowed, following Shinji's gesture towards the shadows of a corner, where now she could realize a miserable looking figure sat on a folding chair, doubled unto itself. She squinted. "Itoshiki-sensei? Is that you?" Who else would look so depressed and pathetic?

Shinji smoothed his hair back. "As we speak, my ally's Servant waits in ambush for your witless sister. In trade for their help, I'll make sure my fellow Master can keep sustaining her existence, since he's no magus himself. What can I say? Without me he'd be lost, my poor kouhai. Come closer, Ikari-kun. Let Tohsaka-chan get a good look at you, don't be shy!"

The figure sitting in darkness sighed heavily, with every sorrow in the world, and stood up, walking out closer to the others. It was a boy, smaller and scrawnier than Shinji, truly downtrodded and pathetic-looking. He had fair skin and short black hair, and wore a simple white shirt with black pants and shoes. On the back of his right hand, she could recognize three Command Seals for the Rider class.

He kept on looking down, as if ashamed of making eye contact with the confused, expectant Sakura.

"Tohsaka Sakura-chan, this is my honorable namesake, Ikari Shinji-kun, Master or Rider. Yes, he always looks like that even though, as far as I can tell, he and his Servant have been doing nothing but fucking until I kicked their asses. Yes, he's that pathetic. She who will be the executioner of your— ah, finally!" he grinned as he picked up his ringing smartphone. "Yes, Tohsaka? Huh, who are you? You don't sound like an old man, what gives? Emiya... what? Yes, yes, I do have her, but you aren't— What did you just call me, you idiot?!"

And Sakura's heart began beating that much faster. "Sempai!"

* * *

Hiding behind some bushes on a small hill mostly made of pebbles, Vigilante, Rin, Shirou, Saber and Chachamaru surveyed the area heavily blocked by barbed wire and a very old poster announcing a new school building provided by the Wayne foundation that still had ninja stars sticking to it in places. Barely visible among the ruins, a few male high school students, still wearing their uniforms and armed with sticks, baseball bats and the occasional large rock, made the rounds in silence.

"That creep," Rin hissed to herself. "Look at that paused, robotic marching, will you? They're hypnotized. He's hypnotized his own classmates to use them as innocent cannon fodder!"

* * *

At the Yuuki residence, Mikan looked at the clock on the wall as she pulled the plates off the table. "Nao," she asked her cousin, "haven't you been able to call him yet?"

"Mmmm, nope," Nao absently said, still looking through the list of dates she had in her cellphone for that weekend.

Mikan glared at her.

"Honest, I've just checked," Nao told her. "Why don't you ask Lala? Now she's got that weird alien card she uses all the time to have telepathic conversations with Rito, well..."

Mikan sighed. "Lala-san's been holed up in her lab all afternoon long, and you know I don't like looking in when she's there. The last time I did I came out a boy! But I'll have to do it, Rito's too late now. This isn't like him."

"I'll go with you," Nao offered, pocketing the cellphone. "What about the 3-A slut, though? Does she know anything?"

"Nothing either," Mikan shook her head as the two made their way up the stairs to the attic. "I thought the English Club might be on another meeting, but nothing. She promised to look for him, though..."

"Huh," Nao said, "see, _now_ I'm worried!"

* * *

"He can't seriously believe he can stall us for long using those pawns, though," Vigilante estimated. "They're just a lame distraction. Something to keep us from looking at his actual defenses. Gizmogirl?" he asked. "No Servants detected yet?"

Chachamaru shook her head. "Negative. Of course, if the Servant is waiting in ambush while in Spiritual Form, I'm afraid I can't get readings on them. I couldn't detect your presence before you materialized either, Vigilante-san."

"Great," the duck muttered. "Right, this what we'll be do, then. Emiya, you will take care of the boys. Pound them hard with you thick wood"

"All right," Shirou nodded, his fingers flexing around the reinforced wooden sticks he was holding in each hand.

"Saber, you take the lead, Gizmogirl, you cover our flanks," the waterfowl kept on instructing. "Rin's the main target of this idiot, so she'll be in the middle, so I can cover her back along with Emiya. No one's got a problem with that, I assume?"

"Sounds like a sound enough strategy to me," Saber stoically said, having renounced to any desires to rule over men in the battlefield or away from it long ago, "as long as you can reassure me Shirou will be rightfully protected as well."

"I can take care of myself!" Shirou said.

Ignoring him altogether, Vigilante told Saber, "You keep my Master safe, I'll do the same for yours. Right?"

"Correct," Saber humorlessly said. "Before we move in, however, remember the Professor's parting words the other night. In his other self's world, this Matou Shinji person commanded Medusa, the petrifying Gorgon of yore. Keep her legend in mind as we advance."

Vigilante briefly moved his mask around so it blocked his blue eyes. "I'm a master of Quack Fu, trained in the use of all five senses, always able to rely on the others should become one unavailable in combat!" Spreading his arms, he added, "I can navigate through any fight even if blinded! Why, there was this time Megavolt overcharged all the lights in—"

"Your hand's touching my ass," Rin flatly told him.

"... don't think I enjoyed it in the slightest," Vigilante replied, quickly pulling the hand back.

"Right," Rin said, shrugging it off and frowning at the scene below. "Either way, the only reason he could summon Medusa there was because the Matous had Sakura, right? I don't think that could be his Servant in this world, then..."

"Well, he must have some sort of Servant of his as well," Saber said. "Otherwise he wouldn't have challenged you in the first place. Until we learn otherwise, Medusa is the best guess we have, so we should be wary of her regardless."

"Right, she can't be that hard to miss, can she?" Shirou asked. "As soon as we see some horrible figure with snakes for hair in the distance, we avert our gazes and try to find a way around her, that... sounds easy enough... I suppose..."

"Actually," Chachamaru said, her eyes glowing faintly green and then displaying a holographic image before them, "according to the files shared by my counterpart, this is how Medusa actually looks like."

Rin whistled appreciatively at the shapely woman who'd just been shown to them. "Well! Emiya-kun's a goner, then!"

"Hey!" Shirou protested.

"Come on, Emiya-kun," Rin, poking a finger on the chest of the Medusa hologram. "You might not realize it, but I've seen the way you look at Sakura. No way you're looking away from this, well, there's no other term for her, succulent babe."

"I don't look at her like that!" Shirou said.

"That's good, however, isn't it?" Saber asked. "As long as Shirou's eyes are on that bountiful chest, he won't stare into Medusa's face. His survival is thusly guaranteed."

"You too, Saber?!" he said.

"It's okay, Emiya-kun," Rin patted his shoulder magnanimously. "I know you're a healthy young man, and there's no shame in liking breasts as nice as these or Sakura's. That doesn't mean I want to ever see you kissing my sister, but I have no problems with looking-but-not-touching."

"You said that Luviagelita girl in your pictures from the Clock Tower is a cow with disgusting fat udders," Vigilante reminded her, "and yet hers don't look as big as these or Sakura's..."

"They are, far much more so, and she's a damn filthy cow!" Rin said, then pointed down. "Enough chatter, Sakura's going to die of old age at this rate! Saber-san, we're counting on you to lead us to victory!"

"I shall!" Saber said, leaping out the bushes and starting to sprint downhill, swinging Invisible Air out. "RUN AWA— I mean, CHARGE!"

Rin and Vigilante gave Shirou a brief perplexed glare at that, imitated to a more subdued degree by Chachamaru.

"She really likes those Monty Python things, for some reason," Shirou shrugged before rushing after her.

* * *

"So, um," Ikari-san said very uneasily as soon as Matou was far enough from them, watching the distance through a pair of binoculars and obsessively muttering to himself, "I'm, I'm very sorry about your sister. And, ah, about your... boyfriend?"

Sakura lifted her nose and chin as much as she could. "You've got nothing to feel sorry about," she said, "since nothing will be happening to them."

"Riiiiight..." the skinny boy said, drawing the word out not because of sarcasm, but because of obvious discomfort as he rubbed the back of his head. "Look, I actually mean it, I wish it didn't need to come to this. But, whether we like it or not, people have to, ah, die in this War. It makes me feel sick, but... as long as it isn't Rider-san who has to die, I..."

Then he stopped himself and simply slumped his shoulders while facing away from her. At first Sakura refused to believe his regret, since the other Shinji had just tricked her with a similar act, but as soon as Ikari-san began sobbing softly and Matou yelled at him to "Oh, just be quiet and man up already!" without deigning to look at him, Sakura couldn't help but feel more open to believing him.

Of course, maybe this was just a double act between both of them, but why bother with pretenses when they had her captive and one of them had just sworn killing Rin? And besides, even if it was, "Bad Master and Wimpy Pussy Master" wasn't exactly working.

"This Servant of yours... is she very important to you?" she asked.

"She's my first... friend I've ever had," Ikari said. "The first person who's ever cared about me, well, other than this childhood friend I once had..."

"Someone of European origins, very Tsundere, red haired, quite loud, occasionally abusive but with a good heart deep inside?" Matou asked, still not looking back.

The other Shinji blinked. "Well... yes, exactly! How did you know that?"

Matou sneered. "That's literally the shitty childhood friend from every stupid romantic comedy in anime, manga and videogames. Seriously, Ikari, you don't just look like a cliche protagonist, but you have their background as well? This impresses me more than your being able to summon a Servant."

* * *

Somewhere else in the campus, while logging out of her favorite online scientific board, where she was one of the top and most respected posters, and before logging back in using her alternate troll account, Soryu Asuka Langley shuddered.

 _"Kimochi warui,"_ she mumbled to herself, rubbing her arms. Then she pounded on the wall. "Mom! Misato! Keep the sex down, I can still hear you!"

* * *

"Anyway," Ikari kept on telling Sakura, "Rider-san's arrival into my life was a miracle. I shouldn't have even been able to summon her, and yet I did, so it was meant to happen, wasn't it? She's been so gentle and caring to me, never losing her patience despite of how crappy I am and how I often prematurely ej–, er, that is, how could I fail her and let her disappear because of my incompetence?!"

Sakura nodded patiently, looked into the boy's distraught, exaggeratedly tense expression as he looked up at her, and waited for the unavoidable 'I'M IN DESPAIR!' finisher. Since it didn't come for once, she advised instead, "Well, then why didn't you look for help from anyone else? Because seriously, Ikari-san, I don't think you've chained your wagon to a winning train." She looked at the quiet Servant who stood guard between the Shinjis. "No offence to you, Monster-san."

"I. Am. Nottttt... Offended," Monster stiffly said.

Matou fumed, lowering the binoculars for a moment. "He wasn't a magus, what was he supposed to do? Magically find your doorstep and knock on your door so you would have killed him and stolen his Rider?" She sneered. "And a lot of riding she was doing with him too."

"We wouldn't ever do anything like that!" Sakura protested. "Why, Nee-san is so good hearted, she's the kind of person who would spare an enemy Master and befriend his Servant without expecting her to... okay, she'd spare the enemy Master, at least!"

"Seriously?" Ikari blinked.

Sakura nodded firmly. "Yes! Why don't you join the winning camp, Ikari-san? We've got the prettiest girls, the most handsome boys, the best cooks, and the coolest Servants too! Again, no offense, Monster-san."

"Not. Offended," Monster repeated, although perhaps with less conviction this time.

"Ahhhh! Shut shut, shut up, shut up already, you big mouthed liar!" Matou spun around to frantically point at Sakura, then he wrapped an arm around Ikari's shoulders and pulled him to himself. "Listen, buddy, I know I sometimes lose my patience with you, but that's also part of a true friendship, isn't it? I was under no obligation to spare you when Monster beat Rider fair and square, and yet—"

"As. I. Re. Call. We. Were. In. A. Stand. Still. Rather. Than. A..."

"SHUUUUUUUT UUUUUP!" Matou warned Monster, then nervously chuckled at the blinking Ikari. "Even if you had fluked out a win, what next? You can't trust anybody else in this War, anyone will happily backstab you at a moment's notice, but we, you and I are soul mates, aren't we? We need to prove ourselves to our families, we were always the underdogs, the overlooked, the success stories that come up fighting from below! We're practically brothers! What can a spoiled little girl like this know about the plight of us men? That makes sense, doesn't it, Ikari-kun?"

"Well... I guess it does, but..."

"You're going to regret iiiiiit, Ikari-kuuuuun!" Sakura warned him, singing the words aloud.

Matou hissed venomously at her. "Will you be quiet already, you cow-harpy, or I'll have to—"

"Rider's. On. Move. Now," Monster reported, looking out into the ruins, and both Shinjis eagerly made it back to her side, struggling with each other for the binoculars in what pretty much amounted to an overly excited girlish slap fight in quick motion between them before Matou dominated and took a shit-eating-grinning look outside, all the while Ikari just deflated with a defeated sigh.

Sakura sighed as well. And they wondered why she'd stick to bossy sisters, cute precocious teachers and dumb but manly sempais...

* * *

Negi paced back and forth across his bedroom floor, arms folded behind his back.

"If they were in any actual danger, they'd have called already," Chisame reminded him from where she was updating her webpage. The gallery of the week was one of Chiu cosplaying as famous school idol Tohsaka Rin, since Chisame was feeling petty and offended enough over their earlier exchange. Perched on her shoulder, Chamo hissed while chewing on his lower lip, wagging his tail in delighted circles while his glinting eyes remained fixed on the computer screen. "Go do something useful but non-self-destructive like, I don't know, help Sora and Morisato-sempai over at the haunted house."

"Maybe I should call them already," Negi said, pulling his cellphone out and staring at it. "Seriously, Chisame, if you'd just told me from the start…"

"Oh, yeah, call them right now, so while they're sneaking past the enemy lines, the ringtone of your call alerts everyone and they're turned into mincemeat before you get there," Chisame suggested. "Great idea there, boy genius. Also, she didn't want your help, what else did you need? We've seen that, other than Kagurazaka, none of us can do anything against a Servant, so what's the point? Becoming a load?"

Negi sighed, resting his hands on the window's frame. "I know, I know. I just wish there was something else we could do. Maybe you should've patched them up to McRemitz-san too…"

"Right now, that woman's just holding herself short of going for Emiya-sempai's throat, I don't think she'd be jumping at the chance of helping him," Chisame pointed out. "Besides, just think of poor Tohsaka-sempai," she said, perfectly straight faced as she uploaded a whole sub-gallery of Chiu in Rin cosplay, saucily posing in a swimsuit. "How do you think she'd feel if that woman shows up holding the leash of Ireland's greatest hero while she only can show a duck herself?"

Matoi tenderly patted Negi's shoulder from behind. "Chisame-sama's right, Negi-sama. A true man must learn about his limits and place faith in his friends' ability to stand on their own. Besides, I know Shirou-kun. He'll just feel castrated if you swoop in to save him. He's got this complex thing where he's gotta prove himself as a capable hero on his own…"

Negi sighed. "I know. But that's such a stupid, pointlessly self-destructive complex to have!"

Chisame, Matoi and Chamo all paused to stare silently at his hunched back, which he ignored completely.

Then Negi stiffened, putting a hand to his breast pocket and swiftly pulling out a Pactio card, placing it against his forehead. "H-hello? Haruna-san? Yeah, well, Satomi-san's at the lab, but Chisame, Matoi-san and Chamo are all with me here and… what? Yuuki-san? Seriously?!"

Chisame groaned, slumping on the back of her chair. "Oboy, it's the start of another 'Everybody gets kidnapped' week, right? Okay, ermine, what's your bet this time?"

"The Dark Kingdom, definitely," Chamo said. "After what happened to me at CLAMP, I knew it was just a matter of time…"

"Those guys who escaped from Kyoto, with the albino girl in the lead," Matoi said. "They were bound to bounce back sooner or later, she has all the markings of a Final Boss waiting to happen…"

"Too early into the narrative yet, Negi's still pretty much a punching bag," Chisame wagged a finger while Negi cringed, trying to focus on what Haruna was nervously telling him. "It's more Masters and Servants crap, it's just got to be…"

Negi sighed in exasperation, looked back at them, and grunted, "Haruna-san can clearly hear you snarking over her dear boyfriend's disappearance. She'd like to tell you she's genuinely afraid for him… uh, she also adds she'd like to place a bet on evil alien suitors vying for Lala-san's hand in marriage."

"Well," Chisame said, "that's Saotome's way of showing she cares, I guess."

* * *

"Hail Shinji!" Saruyama Kenichi saluted as he passed by the other sentinel making the rounds around his surveillance sector.

The other sentinel only nodded vaguely, his eyes nailed to the portable console firmly held between his thin fingers.

Saruyama mustered as much of a frown as his face could convey under his current hypnotized state. "Katsuragi," he scolded his classmate, "why aren't you putting your all into serving Master Shinji?"

"I only live to serve Master Shinji's will," Katsuragi Keima stiffly, unconvincingly said while still playing on his PFP. "And Master Shinji has decreed I would clear the fifth stage of the Himiko-chan Route for him, so I could later deliver the data to his account. So has been said, so I do. Glory to the alpha male, conqueror of the God of Conquests."

At this point his face twitched several times and violently, as if simply saying that had pained him beyond any logical measure.

"Ah," Saruyama said. "Yes. Master Shinji is a real player even out the borders of the 3-D world. I heard he's the best player in that 'Moon Cell Online: Extella CCC' game from CLAMP, too. Praise the glory of the Red S— What was that?" he droned, as a blue blur zoomed past him.

Katsuragi, still immersed into his galge, completely ignored him as two more blurs, one mostly red and black, the other purple, ran past them as well. Then he was knocked down from behind as someone jumped on them from the shadows, giving the battle cry of someone who has watched too many action hero movies, and bashed him across the head with a stick.

Answering with a simian cry of his own, and swinging his bat and baring his teeth, Saruyama charged the red-haired invader of his Master's perimeter, but the taller boy just swatted his face and sent him down, unconscious.

Tohsaka Rin gave a few steps back to look at the downed boys, mildly concerned. "Emiya-kun, you sure you didn't hit them too hard?"

"My readings indicate their vital signs are steady, even if they have fully lost awareness for the time being," Chachamaru reported while hovering shortly above them, her jet boots flaring quietly in place. "Although I don't understand why Katsuragi-sempai, even unconscious, still moves his fingers as if trying to play his game. And… he seems to be making the right button presses, because victorious music just played."

Shirou sighed and, in a sign of honor towards the fallen, picked the game up from the fingers that wouldn't let it go, saved his advances, put it in sleep mode, and carefully placed it back in Keima's hands. He then looked at the girls and duck, all of whom were staring at him in silence. "What? It's basic decency and humanity in the battlefield, people! His batteries would run out before long!"

As he dusted himself off, Shirou added, "As for your question, Tohsaka, in the quest for my dream, I've practiced a lot. I'm now able to tell the sweet spot difference between hitting hard enough to knock a guy unconscious and hard enough as to shatter his skull open."

"... I'm genuinely afraid to ask," Vigilante and Rin said as one, while Saber nodded in approval of their synchronization. Or maybe she was afraid of asking too.

"Look, Itoshiki-sensei was always willing to help, alright?" Shirou told them. "He's been the best training dummy any man could ask for, and I won't let you mock his contributions in my presence. Let's keep going, already."

As he gestured at them to do so, another high school boy leapt into their way, assuming a martial arts stance. "Ah-hah!" the gray haired bishounen said. "I knew I had heard a commotion! So you've defeated those losers... But not me! For the glory of my beloved Princess Lala and Master Shinji, Ren Elsie Jewelria will stop you cold, losers!"

Team Rin exchanged mostly jaded glares. "Okay, who handles this one?" Rin asked.

Vigilante sighed. "I might as well do it, I guess." He took aim with his gas gun and shot at Ren's face. "Smell sleeping gas, delinquent!"

The gas capsule impacted in Ren's face directly, and while it'd have sent any normal human his age into an immediate state of sleep, his alien physiology reacted differently. He coughed, rasped, choked, tried madly to wave the gas off his face, and then... sneezed.

A moment later, where he'd stood, now a petite, shapely young woman with light aquamarine hair wiggled her hips in circles and vigorously rubbed her eyes with her fists while bawling. "Ahhhh, I'm sorry, so sorry I failed you, Shinji-sama...! It was my stupid brother's fault...!"

Shirou gave Vigilante an aghast stare. "You have a gas that turns men into women?!"

"Please never let Haruna-san find out," Chachamaru said, similarly aghast.

"It, it never did **that** before!" Vigilante, just as startled as him, claimed while checking his gun's barrel closely, then thinking better of it and pointing it far away from himself. "Um, Saber? Normally, I have a policy against hitting women, and while Servants are an understandable exception, well—"

Saber sighed very deeply, pulled a fist back, then punched Run dead square in the middle of the face and knocked her out. Just like that. Then she asked Vigilante, "Are you sure that pistol of yours isn't a gift from any eccentric old mage with the... _occasional_ perverted streak?"

"Uh... nope, nope, nope. I made it myself!" Vigilante blinked.

"Just making sure. Never mind then," Saber said, throwing her hands up before leading the march deeper into the enemy's territory again.

* * *

"Another bothersome person..." Saber droned, coming to a halt before the latest boy to block their way at the turn of a corner.

This boy had short, spikey orange hair, and pirouetted gracefully on a foot as he twirled a watering can around, wearing the clothes of an old styled gardener. "I recognize him," Chachamaru said, stopping her low flight as well. "He's Yuuki Rito-sempai."

"Yeah, the Perverted Beast of Mahora," Rin sneered with disgust. "Still a pushover, though, he shouldn't be any—"

"You're wrong on both accounts, Rin-chan!" Rito sing-sang, clearly out of his mind as his eyes moved from one side to the other and up and down erratically. "I'm not a pervert, I'm just a man blessed by the gods with a gift I've denied myself for too long! And I'm no pushover now that I have my all powerful Artifact from the princess of Devil Planet herself! I'm Devil Rito now!"

"What," Shirou flatly said.

Rito chuckled eerily, although also very lamely. "Devil Emperor Matou has opened my eyes! I've been restraining myself, denying women everywhere the pleasure of my touch! Now my Id is free, and I'll claim all women as mine, mine, mine for my harem...!"

"Um, shouldn't your Master have first dibs on all those women then?" Vigilante asked him. "How is your loyalty supposed to work then?"

Rito, startled at the realization, boggled and gasped, choking on his saliva for a moment before saying, "Th-Th-The universe has enough women for the two of us to share!"

"Oh, so **now** we're the sharing type," Shirou snarked.

"Yeah, but there won't be any for you!" Rito said. "Master will get Chachamaru-san and the blonde, I'll get Tohsaka-san and Tohsaka-san's sister too! Master doesn't want her anyway!"

Rin sighed, folding her arms. "Well, that's a relief, I guess. I was afraid that sicko would be doing perverted things to Sakura. Wait, why me?!"

"I've always, deep inside, had the long buried dream of being in a threesome with a pair of sisters...!" Devil Rito sighed dreamily, lifting his eyes to the starry sky.

 _Up, up, up above, Momo Belia Deviluke tensed and wondered aloud, "Why do I have the desire to visit Lala all of a sudden? Nanaaaaa! What are you doing, Nanaaaaa?"_

"I'd threaten you to tell your girlfriend, but I'm sure she'd just be delighted to hear that," Rin said, her contempt growing further than she'd though possible.

"Oh, she will," Chachamaru said. "As a matter of fact, I've just recorded it for her benefit. Negi-sensei and Chamo-san will be upset, however..."

"Enough of your deviancies, enemy of all women," Saber said, leveling her Invisible Air at Rito. "Step aside or be slain by my avenging blade!"

Rito laughed like a real dumbass, spraying his watering can on the thick vines growing on the wrecked walls on both sides of the street, moving from one side to the other with deceptive speed. "Heh heh heh, no, I won't, nope nope! Taste the horticultural might of my undefeated Artifact! A staple of Japanese ecchi culture! The dreaded tentacle slaves!"

"Tentacle?!" Saber gasped, her ahoge stiffening as the vines pulsed, twitched and grew thicker and denser, literally growing erect as they rippled from the walls, occasional shuriken popping of the walls as they flexed. They rose like dozens of writhing, veiny tendrils, some kind of fluid beginning to drip from their tips in whiteish, bubbling spurts that then trickled down to the pavement.

"Can, can we even show that in a merely 'M' rated fanfic?!" Rin gasped. "We'll have to move to Archive of Our Own!"

"See, that's why you shouldn't walk around wearing a skirt that short!" her Servant scolded her.

"Look who's talking, you don't even have pants on!" Rin shot back, waving a hand full of gems and shooting a stream of flames at the first incoming barrage of vines. "When there's trouble, I'll solve it by burning it! _Spontaneous Combustion!_ '"

"See, you watch Magical Kyoko as well!" Shirou told her, fiercely whacking at the vines swirling around his legs and trying to reach for his ass. "Gah, that's an exit, not an entrance!"

"SAKURA DOES, NOT ME!" Rin protested, burning more and more vines as Rito kept on laughing and watering everywhere, summoning more demon vegetal tentacles from between the cracked slabs and tiny windows of earth peeking through the old rubble. "VIGILANTE!"

"Working on it! I've got experience fighting mad plants, trust me!" the duck said, shielding himself with his cape while shooting at the vines surrounding him, occasionally cutting them down with the hidden saws in his golden cufflinks. "Although, in fairness' sake, Bushroot at least had some moral standards! Gizmogirl!"

Hovering at a prudent distance from the fray, Chachamaru doubted. "I'm not fond of the concept of damaging natural life like this. Perhaps we should reach some kind of understanding...?"

"Nyeh-nyeh, nyeh, I know your weaknesses, you're just too nice!" Devil Rito taunted her, holding an adorable kitten before her. "You can't hurt me while I have this!"

"... he's correct, I simply cannot!" Chachamaru excused herself.

Saber, who just stood there trembling for a moment, shaken by hideous memories of a major battle by a river, then raged like a mad lion, a massive battle aura flaring and roaring around her, the ground cracking under her feet, and the vines instinctively pulling away from her noble figure. "Even if the gods would forgive you... **I WON'T!** " she madly howled, then charged ahead, slashing and chopping on every vine blocking her way. "ATTACK, ATTACK, ATTACK, ATTACK!"

 _Artoria's Class briefly changed to Berserker_.

"Iiiiih?!" Rito yelped, taken aback by the mad ferocity of the Servant's rampage, and he stumbled and fell on his back, dropping the kitten, who then angrily leapt from his belly on his face, gave him a few scratches, and then clumsily scampered aside, nose held high. As Rito rubbed his face, moaning in pain, he looked up to find himself staring between the angry Rin's legs and at her panties. He slobbered, licked his lips all the way around, wriggled his fingers... and then was kicked in the crotch by her, so hard it made him faint. "YEEEEEEEE!"

Shirou and Vigilante, sharing sympathetic cringes and covering their respective crotches instinctively, paused as the vines all suddenly lost their vigor, shriveled and fell limp around them. It was probably coincidental timing.

Saber also paused, still panting in something far too close to Mad Enhancement for anyone's comfort. Her reddened eyes slowly went back to normal and her breathing slowed down as she looked at the downed boy Rin was giving a few final punts in the ribs. "Rin," she finally said. "You should stop it already. You'll hurt him permanently..."

 _Artoria's Class returned to Saber_.

Rin seethed one last time, pulling back and smoothing her skirt down. "Okay. Alright, I'll calm down. But you won't talk me down so easily when we get to Matou!"

"I apologize on Sempai's behalf," Chachamaru said as she picked up the kitten and warmly cradled it in her arms, petting her head. "He's not like this at all normally. That Matou individual must have changed his personality greatly through his hypnosis..."

Silence.

"Okay, sure, why not, let's go with that," Vigilante shrugged, tossing his hands up.

"I guess he can be excused, living with those two teasing turbo-ahems must be taxing for any young man's libido," Rin begrudgingly admitted.

"Maybe he should've masturbated more frequently," Saber said. "That's a big stress relief for men his age, and it helps channeling sexual frustrations instead of bottling them up. Why, if my best friend had done that instead of chasing after my— But let us discuss that at a later time," she waved the issue away. "Sakura waits for us."

Shirou nodded uneasily, awkwardly shifting his legs around. "Yeah, you're right, let's just move on and forget this happened..."

Chachamaru gave Rito's prone form one final concerned look. "I really hope you didn't break him, Tohsaka-sempai. Otherwise Haruna-san will be so disappointed... and Lala-san will probably do horrible things to you."

* * *

"It's me! Goutokuji Kaoru, making my triumphant debut...!"

BOOM! And so, the flamboyant, pompadour-topped martial artist standing in Team Rin's way was quickly blasted aside.

"DAMMIT, I'M AN ORIGINAL NEGIMA CHARACTER, I DESERVE MORE RESPECT...!"

* * *

"Halt! You've come to the end of the line! In the name of Master Shinji, I, Usui Kagero—!"

"Did you hear something?" Saber asked as they raced past the balding boy with glasses as if he wasn't even there.

Vigilante, Rin, Shirou and Chachamaru all shook their heads.

"Nope, nope, nope."

"Not me."

"Me neither."

"Maybe it was just the wind..."

"Dammit, you could at least have punched me out!" Kagero shouted after them, waving a fist but to no avail.

* * *

Next they ran into two tiny pink-haired girls coming out from between some bushes, half-naked but pulling their clothes back on in a hurry.

Team Rin came to a collective sudden halt and gave them a perplexed stare.

The twin with the short pigtails waved awkwardly. "Um, good evening, Chachamaru-chan."

"Hi..." the other twin waved from behind her sister as she tried to pull her panties back on properly.

"Nagase-san will be informed about this, I'm afraid," Chachamaru told them.

"Aw, c'mon..." Fuuka groaned.

"I'm sorry. But there must be a limit to your quest for new, unexplored places. And I'd say you already crossed that line when you came to this forbidden warzone."

Fumika blinked. "This is a warzone now? Wow, that explains all the noise. I-I thought you guys were getting out of hand..."

"You came here too!" Fuuka ignored her while accusing Chachamaru.

"...I'm older," the gynoid said.

"You're two years old, and we're even older than Chizuru!" Fuuka reminded her. "And you, Rin-sempai! Shame on you! We taught you all the nice bushes to do it in and this is how you repay us? Why, I have half a mind to tell Sakura you're bringing Einzbern-san to strange, hidden bushes and–! "

Saber sighed, slapped them both across the head, and knocked them unconscious.

"Was that really necessary?" Chachamaru asked.

"They deserved it," Saber said. "Nothing good ever comes from sex between siblings. Don't ask me how I know, but I know."

"Okaaaaayyyyy..." Vigilante's eyebrow twitched while Rin fumed and hid a mildly guilty wince. The twins really had been helpful to her and Sakura…

Shirou blinked. "I don't get it."

Saber sighed again. "Let's just keep going!"

* * *

A couple of minutes later, with the observatory tower already close enough for Saber to reach with a good enough speed boost, Vigilante suddenly tensed and jumped on Rin, tackling her to the ground. "Look out, Rin!"

"What the—!" Shirou gasped, a moment before he was likewise tackled into the dirt by Saber. Then something flew by, zooming over their heads, and impacted directly through Chachamaru's head, right between her eyes, pushing her roughly several feet back and impaling her into a large tree's trunk. "Karakuri-san!" Emiya cried.

"I'm still fully functional and operative, Sempai," Chachamaru helpfully informed, trying to dislodge the sharp tool imbedded into her face but failing to pull it free, despite her best efforts. "My central nervous system hasn't been compromised, but this weapon just won't come off, it seems. I believe it is charged with wizardry nearly comparable to Master's, I apologize..."

"Magecraft," Rin softly, instinctively corrected while Vigilante shielded her with his cape, a finger on the trigger as he squinted into the shadows.

The weapon, now Shirou got a better look at it, was a long silver nail attached to an even longer chain which dangled past Chachamaru's knees. "Additionally," the robot girl dutifully informed, "I believe the enemy Servant has just shown herself. Kuro-san was once again correct."

"You mean that's M—" Shirou blinked, turning his head around as Rin hissed and blocked his big mouth with a hand. While whispering something to him about the enemy using her Noble Phantasms if her identity was uncovered, Rin saw a tall, fascinating creature walking out of the ruins to greet them, swinging another dagger and chain ensemble in each hand. Long and silky purple hair, tight black minidress, tall boots, a blindfold; in everything, she was a perfect match for Chachamaru's hologram.

"Rider, I assume," Saber clenched her teeth, standing her ground between the newcomer and her Master.

"Saber," Rider said, her voice low and soft, not cold but devoid of warmth, more ethereal and eerily otherwordly than anything else. "And... your class would be... um... are you a familiar?"

"Vigilante!" Vigilante cried, stomping a foot down. "I'm as much of a Servant as you are, lady! A Vigilante-class Servant!"

"My apologies," Rider politely bowed, then added, "I'm here to block your way and slay you, Saber."

"Don't I get a threat of blocking and slaying of my own?!" Vigilante said.

Rider seemed to blink under the blindfold. "I was told to take care of Tohsaka Rin and her Servant..."

"I'm Tohsaka Rin's Servant!"

"..." Rider said. And then, almost sheepish, "I assumed one as prestigious as a Tohsaka would have summoned a Saber..."

"Thank you for the honor implicit in your words," Saber chivalrously said. "But this small duck, no matter his outlandish appearance, is as much of a valid Servant as you or I."

"Thanks for the support, Saber," Vigilante mumbled. "I think."

Rider still doubted, then sniffed the air, and tilted her head towards the person who smelled like the unconscious girl Mr. Matou Seaweed Head Who Looked Like That Perseus Fucker had brought into the tower.

"Yeah, well," Rin admitted. "It's a long story."

"Even so, I am willing to be your opponent," Saber said, focusing herself as her sword channeled and gathered its power. "Tohsaka's place is next to her sister, and Vigilante's place is next to his Master's. Let us fight, then, without interfering in the natural order."

"I was told—"

"Let me make it clear," Saber said, raising her tone. "I just won't let you and Vigilante fight each other unless you defeat me first!"

"I think I can fight my own fights, thank you very..." Vigilante began, not amused at all.

"She is right, though," Rin told him sternly. "Let her handle this. We're needed up there!" she added, pointing at the tower.

"I won't allow —" Rider warned, but then instinctively dodged as a rocket fist flew her way. As she rolled aside, readying her daggers, Chachamaru smiled weakly from where she remained impaled, now missing an arm from the elbow and below. Rider, somehow, managed to notice this, and without looking back, deflected the still flying fist as it turned around to try and hit her head from behind. Bashing it with her right dagger, she sent it to the ground and spun around, trying to find a better angle to defend against Saber, who had spent the last few seconds watching her to get a better reading of her as an adversary. She was faster than expected, as fast as an average Lancer if not more, though she had a tendency to keep her center of gravity as low as possible. It was brobably to keep her unspported boobs, which were swinging very freely, from getting in the way. This would make for another difficult battle.

"You go with them, Shirou," she commanded as Vigilante was all but dragged by Rin up the pathway.

"But, I can't—!" the boy started to protest.

"You know what to do if you need me!" Saber shouted. "Now go! You'll distract me!"

"No, no way, I can't!"

"Emiya-kun, you idiot, Sakura needs you too...!" Rin called out to him.

Hissing in frustration, Shirou slammed a foot down and then raced after the other two, leaving the duelists and the pinned robot behind.

Rider smiled. "You've just gotten me in trouble, Saber."

"I'm sorry your Master has to be that kind of person," Saber coldly told her.

Rider licked her daggers seductively before spinning them around as fast as she could. "My Master is a saint, the best person I have ever known, excellent in bed and a wonderful mount and ride. Mistaking him for that seaweed trash named Matou is an offense punishable with death, Saber."

Saber blinked. "What? Do you mean you're not Matou's—"

"There is another," Rider confirmed, and then gracefully leaped ahead.

* * *

"— and so my uncle made me walk in the rain all the way back home from the police station," Ikari kept on narrating in that depressing and haunted tone of his. "He never believed I had just found the bike on the sidewalk, and neither did my parents..."

"Oh, poor, poor Ikari-kun..." the moved Sakura sniffled. "It must have been so hard for you, growing up with parents who were always absent...!"

"My. Father. Divided. My. Body. Innnnn. Pieces. And. Left. Me. Forrrrrr. Dead," Monster said. "I. Had. To. Pull. Myself. Back. To. Gether."

Ikari and Tohsaka looked at her.

"Jusssst. Saying," Monster managed to say.

Matou sighed from his vantage point with the binoculars. "You three are the most fucked up people I've ever met, did you know that? Seriously, if you survive this, please get yourselves professional help! Anyway, Monster, prepare yourself. Rin-chan, her... Servant and some ginger will be dropping by any moment now."

"Sempai!" Sakura sighed. "Onee-chan!"

"So this is that Emiya guy, huh?" Matou wondered, beginning to nibble on his thumb somewhat nervously. "I didn't want to believe someone with those idiot looks could be the Magus Killer's son, but of course he'd want to pretend to be as dumb as possible. And your sister's Servant is a shapeshifter, too..."

Sakura blinked. "Shapeshifter?"

"Well, duh!" Matou tossed his hands up. "Even a washed up second rate magus wouldn't summon a duck of all things for a Servant! So tell me, what's his real identity? What do they hope to—"

"Wait, wait!" Ikari protested. "What about Rider?!"

"Ah, yeah, her," Matou said. "She's fighting another Servant, the ginger's, I imagine. From what I saw, she seems to be a Saber..."

"Saber?! You said Saber was the most dangerous class, didn't you?!"

"Don't panic, Ikari, you knew this moment would come sooner or later!" Matou angrily told him. "Be a man and trust her, will you?! Geez, what part of 'war' didn't you understand when you signed up for this? So tell me, then," he reached up to squeeze Sakura's cheeks in one hand, "your sister's Servant, who is he?"

Ikari frowned. "Matou-san, do you _really_ think she'll tell you if you treat her this way?"

"Oh, yeah? And what do you suggest, treating her your way and hoping she won't answer like a treacherous, slutty Tohsaka would?"

"I. Think. He Means. She Can't. Even. Taaaaaalk. If you. Hold. Her. Mouth. That way, Masterrrrrr," Monster said.

"Oh, the other expert on asking questions has spoken!" Matou said. "It takes you a week to ask for an electrical recharge, what can you know about demanding info from a prisoner of war? Leave this to me and go assume your damn post, Tohsaka must be about to—"

There was a loud boom coming from the first floor of the tower, rattling the whole structure, as Rin blew the front door of the observatory and then shouted, making herself heard all the way to the top, "MAAAAATOOOUUUUU! YOU'D BETTER BE READY FOR THE BEATING OF YOUR LIFE, MATOUUUUUUU! I'M GOING TO POUND YOUR ASS SO HARD SHIT IS GOING TO COME OUT YOUR NOSE!"

"Your ass is toast, Mister," Sakura managed to say through pressed-together lips.

"See, see!" a vindicated Matou said excitedly. "She still can talk just fine, I knew it!"

* * *

On one hand, the Pactio had given Saber back some of the speed and raw power she used to have before. That was allowing her to keep up with Rider's dazzling agility better than she had handled herself against Berserker, and now that she had a better handle on how to use the boost, she found she was performing even better than against Lancer, even if part of this was probably due to Medusa being a weaker adversary than Cu Chulainn.

On the other hand, Artoria suspected this particular Rider would have remained faster than herself even if she had been operating at her peak. In that, she was certainly different from the last Rider she'd met before this war. Regardless, her attacks were also considerably weaker than those of Iskander, even though Saber suspected her enemy hadn't really begun to fight in earnest yet.

Darting from one shadow to another, bouncing between trees, rebounding between brick walls, Rider moved with the velocity of a Lancer and the stealth of an Assassin, taking advantage of the darkness and the Saber class' traditional comparative lack of long range potential to lash at Saber with her chains and daggers, missing each time but coming close constantly. Even so Saber, who was relying on a Master low in mana, experience, self-preservation instincts, brains and eloquence, thought she recognized the same signs in her fellow Servant's performance. During her life, she had learned to realize whenever an opponent, even a heavily armored one, fought wounded or otherwise indisposed (except for that Black Knight, who acted the same way no matter how many limbs he lost), and relying on a subpar Master ultimately amounted to pretty much the same thing.

Rider seemed to be using her energy sparingly, just like Artoria herself, making this a war of attrition between two rivals unable to fight at their fullest. It was certainly frustrating, even more than being unable to tag Rider directly.

And apparently Rider felt the same, as she was circling closer now, swinging her chains with more abandon, her dangerously sensual smile growing tenser by the moment. _Ah-hah_ , thought Saber, seeing her chance. _She's burning her mana even faster than I am, her Master must be even worse than Shirou, and she doesn't have a Pactio to make up for it..._

Briefly, she chastised herself for thinking that way about her Master, who at least bothered to talk to her and be friendly, unlike his father, but she quickly shoved those thoughts aside for later. Waving her sword in a circular fashion over the dirt, she created a booming shock wave that spun like a miniature tornado, flying towards Medusa and hitting her midsection, forcing her back as she groaned in pain. Rider rolled with the impact and then ducked under Saber's invisible blade as the Servant of the sword thrust, aiming for her head.

Saber was reminded of Rider's self-imposed blindness taking away one of the advantages of owning an invisible weapon in the first place. Somehow, she could still feel the direction, and probably even the length, of Excalibur, regardless of Invisible Air. And a split second later, Rider proved how dangerous she could still be as she swung her chains upwards, managing to zero in on Saber's neck, and wrapping the weapons around her throat. Rider smirked evilly and pulled, tightening the deadly grip on Saber's neck.

However, Saber's fingers, almost as steely, gripped on the chains and struggled to, if not loosen them, at least prevent them from choking her further. Rolling around to avoid being strangled, she took advantage of Rider's new closeness to headbutt her, stunning the weaker Servant, and then to grab on more of the chains, pulling back in turn, tugging Medusa towards herself, and then greeting her proximity with a vicious knee to her stomach.

Gasping loudly, Medusa backed away, letting go of Saber's neck. Since now she was used, the King of Knights grabbed her by the scalp, stoically advised, "Hair that long will always be a liability in battle", and spun her around like a living flail, before tossing her away, past the trees and into a wide clearing between the ruins.

Rider landed with a heavy thud, dropping on the dirt facefirst, just before Saber leapt and landed much more gracefully on her feet right before her, leveling the invisible blade at her. The purple haired woman chuckled as she ran the back of a hand over her mouth, wiping off the thin line of red. "I'm impressed, Knight Errant. I thought Sabers relied far more on their swords than their heads, fists and knees."

"I might have grown more of a cheater over time," Saber admitted dryly. "Blame bad companies."

She lifted her sword and just as quickly brought it back down with the full intent to behead the fallen Rider, but Medusa rolled away right in the nick of time. "Rider! You only delay the unavoidable. I've brought you to a site where you can't hide in the shadows to strike at me. And you won't make it back there before I strike you down!"

Rider had to concede the point; Saber had been wise to throw her into a large area where she couldn't move from a tree, wall, or dilapidated building to another, and on plain empty ground, in a face to face confrontation, a Saber would always hold an edge over her.

Well. Time to use one of her trump cards, then.

Rider's smirk alerted Saber, who squinted, ready to close her eyes as soon as the first sign of the blindfold coming off became evident. Rider was not the only one who had trained to fight with no sight if necessary. However, to Saber's surprise, what Rider did was taking one of her daggers to her own throat, whisper a husky, _"Pegasus"_ and slash her neck from one side to the other, in a single elegant motion.

As blood hung in the air and began to twist in a design, it dawned on Saber that, despite being told her opponent's identity, the explanation had been lacking on just what exactly Medusa's Noble Phantasm was. She had foolishly assumed it had been her petrifying stare. But… that didn't qualify you for the Rider class, did it?

And somewhere, in a castle deep in the woods, a giant of a man shook slightly. If he could vocalize a feeling beyond _**"gragghfewofwwegnwpnwrpibnw!"**_ , it would be that somehow, in some strange way, the world seemed a little bit more… complete.

* * *

Still pinned on the tree by the spike in her head, Chachamaru used her zoom vision to get a better view of Saber-san and Rider-san's now-distant conflict.

She really hoped they didn't kill each other. She liked Saber-san, and she could tell Rider-san might not be a bad person at all if she weren't trying to kill others in a quest for a cursed cup. Why, she had even just summoned a nice, cute white winged horse, and anyone who liked horses couldn't be that bad. Maybe she and Iinchou-san could become good friends over it.

(It's worth remembering by this point, despite being the daughter of two super geniuses, Chachamaru still remained a mostly mediocre student academically speaking, so she could be excused for not remembering who Pegasus was supposed to be. Blame Evangeline if you want to. Maybe Chachamaru would have more available time to read books and browse the internet building her own private database if she have to babysit a seven centuries old woman constantly).

On the subject of mothers, Chachamaru supposed she should be calling them right now, through the emergency transmitters in her electronic brain, but she didn't want to drag them and Negi-sensei into peril unless absolutely necessary. Ala Alba, especially, had gone through too much lately. They deserved a break, however brief.

Besides, Tohsaka-sempai had been adamant about not involving mages anymore. She needed to work on those prejudices, she really did.

As she kept on watching, a red squirrel came down the tree's branches and sniffed around the gynoid. She reached into a pocket, pulled out a large bag of nut snacks, held it in her mouth since she was missing one hand, calmly ripped its top off, dug her fingers in, and began feeding the small rodent.

Before long, Chachamaru's immobilized body was almost fully covered in feeding, loving squirrels, chipmunks and birds, moving all over her from toes to scalp.

She sighed in bliss. _So nice..._

* * *

A thick cloud of purple smoke appeared at the middle of the observatory's entrance hall.

"I am the terror that flaps in the night..." coldly declared the voice coming from the smoke. "I am the third entry in the movie trilogy remake of the mindscrew giant robot anime that lets you down... I am...!"

Then the door behind him was blown up from the outside. "MAAAAATOOOUUUUU! YOU'D BETTER BE READY FOR THE BEATING OF YOUR LIFE, MATOUUUUUUU! I'M GOING TO POUND YOUR ASS SO HARD SHIT IS GOING TO COME OUT YOUR NOSE!" Rin screamed furiously while storming in.

Vigilante sighed. "You know, Master, it's unfair of you to do this to me after I took the time to get around the wards like that, so as to guarantee ourselves a safe and, mostly, cool entrance..."

Rin ignored him altogether as she stomped around the wide deserted chamber, each hand full of glinting gems. "Matou, be a gorramn man and come out to face me! And make sure to bring Sakura with you, safe and sound, or else!"

Shirou sighed as he walked in. "Tohsaka, believe me, I'm mad at this guy too, but... are you sure antagonizing him like this is going to help Sakura at all? I don't know, what happened to negotiating?"

"Well," Vigilante frowned, carefully looking in all directions, "I don't think we can expect for any good will or honor from this guy. If we were to negotiate with him, odds are he's just betray us anyway. Still, Master, there's a difference between preparing for the worst and provoking him further, you know! You're better than this! You're acting like a bestselling brainless shounen manga protagonist!"

Rin seethed, trying to calm herself down. "... all right," she said from between clenched teeth. "Matou, I know you can hear us. You know we know you've tricked Sakura, and we aren't going to fall for the same thing. Still, I am better than that, and I swear on my family's honor, if you just release my sister right now, I'll be a good sport and walk away without killing you or your Servant. I don't care about any of the prior bad blood between the Matous and the Tohsakas; what was done was done, and we haven't ever bothered to go after any of you during all these years, despite what happened to Sakura. I'd like to think you can be a smart man and do the same."

An obnoxious loud laugh came to them from upstairs.

"... there was nothing smart at all about that laugh," Rin muttered.

"Do you think you can come into my domain throwing those threats at me when you only brought a duck and a ginger with you, Tohsaka?" Shinji's voice resounded through the observatory. "You're even dumber than I thought! Why should I even think of surrendering my hostage to someone who just walked into my trap?"

"Because it's the humane thing to do?" Shirou asked.

There was a beat.

"Okay, Ginger, that'll be enough," Shinji's voice finally said. "There's no need for you to keep trying to fool me like that, really. I mean, I appreciate the effort, but I know who your father was."

"What was that supposed to mean?" Shirou asked, frowning.

"Well, no way the son of the Magus Killer Kiritsugu, the meanest, dirtiest, most cheating, most morally broken motherfucker in the world of magic, would really be such a naive bleeding heart..."

"MAAAAATOOOUUUUU! YOU'D BETTER BE READY FOR THE BEATING OF YOUR LIFE, MATOUUUUUUU! I'M GOING TO POUND YOUR ASS SO HARD SHIT IS GOING TO COME OUT YOUR NOSE!" Shirou bellowed while foaming from the mouth.

 _Somewhere, Negi Springfield sneezed. Yes, we're still doing the sneeze gag. It's been years, you'd think you'd be resigned to this by now_.

"There we go," Shinji said, sounding self-satisfied.

Vigilante's right eyebrow twitched. "Does this mean Sakura's kidnapping doesn't make you as angry as— Oh, never mind!" He threw up his hands. "Listen, Laughing Boy! First of all, this isn't 'your domain'! You're illegally squating on ground that belong to Mahora Academy! Second, you obviously know nothing about families if you think all children turn out like their parents! It's completely possible for a fearsome and formidable agent of dark justice like Emiya's father to have a dense, barely useful son who is too innocent as to use deceit and trickery!"

"Exactly!" Shirou nodded vigorously, then blinked. "... wait, would you mind saying that again?"

"Third!" Vigilante remarked. "You're breaking one of the greatest rules of Magi! Shame on you! I used to date a witch, and I've fought many technology using evildoers, and I can tell when someone's projecting their voice through magic and when they're doing it through tech! And mister, the slight crackling in your voice is unmistakable! You're speaking through a microphone!"

Rin gasped. "Matou! Just when I thought you couldn't sink any lower!"

"Th-That's wrong, you're lying, I'm so totally using magic!" Shinji protested. "I didn't wire this place! I know nothing about electronics! And I'm not the same Matou Shinji from the Extella CCC gaming community either! I don't know the first thing about videogames or any other electronic things! I get all my porn from skin mags!"

Rin sneered in disgust. "... you're the worst disgrace ever to our community!"

Shirou sweatdropped. "No, seriously, what's so bad about being able to use basic tech like any other normal person?"

"Sh-Sh-Shut up, normie! Don't call me 'normal'!" Shinji panicked audibly. "Monster! Go down there and destroy them already!"

Shirou blinked. "Monster? Is that even a real Class, or—"

Then something dropped through the ceiling— through several upper floors, actually— to violently land on their feet before them, making the floor tremble and crackle. Vigilante sneered, gesturing at the teens to pull back as he aimed his gas gun at the newcomer, an oddly attractive female wearing elaborate bridal attire and holding a gigantic mace sparkling with electricity. For some reason her tiara had a mangled appearance, like someone had used a bolt cutter to cut off something on the front.

"See, see!" Rin said. "Even your Servant is technological in nature, Matou! A robot! You summoned some sort of weird Terminator!"

"Eh?" Shirou blinked. "A robot? Why'd you say that, Tohsaka? What about this girl says 'robot!' to you?"

"Emiya-kun, just look at those metallic things coming out the sides of her head!"

"Maybe they're just some accessories?"

"Oh, next you'll be saying Karakuri-san's robot ears are only 'accessories' too!"

"Wait, what?!" Shirou gasped. "Karakuri-san is a robot, for real?! I thought she was something normal, like an immortal magically empowered by Evangeline-san!"

"... Evangeline?" Shinji's voice asked, suddenly shifting from outrage to a faint hint of incoming horror.

Through her heavy bangs, Monster shared a look of mutual compassion and sympathy with Vigilante. It said a world's worth of commiseration on the subject of having complete and total morons for Masters.

It only lasted a moment, however, and then they attacked each other.

* * *

"Master!" Vigilante said, once again ducking, no pun intended, under another swing of Monster's mace, then attempting a leg seep she nimbly leapt over, despite her weight, which was more than conveyed by her appearance. "I'll take care of Matou's Servant! You and Emiya go up there and rescue Sakura, will you?"

"Eh?" Shirou doubted even as Rin bit on her lower lip and nodded. "You sure about that, Vigilante-san? Isn't she too m—"

"There's nothing you can bring to a fight between Servants, go!" the caped Servant growled, shooting another gas pellet that Monster deflected with her mace, sending it flying against a distant wall, where it exploded on impact. "You'll only get in the way here!"

"Let's go, Emiya-kun," Rin urged, grabbing him by a sleeve and all but pulling him with her upstairs. "He's right, we have to leave this to him."

"But—!" Shirou began to protest, distracted by the battle raging below.

 _"Listen,"_ Rin whispered angrily to him as they ran, _"if push comes to shove, now you can summon Saber to your side without wasting a Command Seal, so we have an excellent ace under the sleeve. But first, let's see what Matou has in store for us up there."_

"Shouldn't we be more careful about storming up like this?" Shirou argued, taking the lead over her now so he'd be on the receiving end of whatever came their way first.

Rin frowned at that. "I doubt he's made so much effort to bring us to him if he didn't want to deal with us personally. This is a family vendetta. He wants to see my face, and Sakura's, when he enacts his final revenge. Even though he's got nothing to avenge himself about!"

"It's a matter of principle!" Shinji's disembodied voice said.

"You wouldn't recognize a set of principles if it came to bite you in the ass!" Rin barked to him, "You just wait, Sakura! Your Oneechan's on the way! You're almost out of there now!"

All the way up in the telescope chamber, Sakura sighed dreamily. "Nee-san!"

"Um," Ikari doubted. "So what do we do now, Matou-sempai?"

"You don't get to do anything, what could you possibly bring to the table? A giant robot?" Matou sneered, carefully combing his seaweed back with slightly trembling hands. "Just sit back and enjoy the show, Ikari-kun. To deal with mere mortals, Servants aren't needed. The final lackey I've hypnotized will suffice. Sagara!" he called out.

"Sagara?" Sakura blinked. Now that Monster was gone, she had gone back to frantically work on freeing her wrists without their captors noticing, and she almost was done too, but the mention of this name had given her pause.

There was a slight creaking and whirring coming from a corner of the chamber, and Sakura shuddered. One of the old exhibitions, one set under a wide, once colorful banner reading 'Bonta-kun Welcomes You to the World of Stargazing!' had a large licensed mascot character in display, an old fashioned cartoon mouse with tan hide and an oddly testicularly-shaped mouth. Now it was coming to life as some sort of bizarre Frankenstein creature waking up into the world.

Sakura cringed. She remembered that mouse from some American anime from her childhood, and those cartoons had been tacky!

Oh, yes, the fact it apparently was some sort of monstrosity arranged to kill her sister and her second romantic interest unnerved her too.

"... Bonta-kun?" Ikari blinked a few times, clearly perplexed and more than a bit disgusted. "Sempai, I think we might have gone a bit too far by now... corrupting the wholesome familiar image of Bonta-kun is where I draw the line! We have sinned beyond redemption now!"

"That's not the real Bonta-kun, Ikari, that's just Sagara the local gun-nut in a Bonta-kun suit he turned into a mecha..." Matou sighed, waving a hand at him. "I figured he'd come in handy, and what better end for a magus summoning a cartoon duck than being killed off by a cartoon mouse?"

"That's just wrong!" Ikari shouted.

"Well, I'll admit a cartoon rabbit would have made more sense, but I couldn't find a bunny suit in time. Actually, I found several of the Playboy variety, but like, who wants to see Sagara in one of those...?"

"I think I kind of do," Sakura mused, getting the strangely enticing image of the mysterious oddball bad boy in skintight Playboy gear in her mind now.

"You can't turn Bonta-kun, the only friend from my childhood other than the Red-Haired Girl, into a murderer!" Ikari furiously demanded. "He taught me Math! He taught me the alphabet! He spent more time with me than my parents ever did!"

"Ikari, again," Matou retorted, bopping his fist on Bonta-kun's forehead, the suited up figure pulling a revolver in each hand, "this isn't Bonta-kun, it's a deranged dude in an old smelly suit! Bonta-kun doesn't even exist!"

"Shut up shut up shut up!" Ikari wailed, covering his ears with both hands, before rushing ahead to swing a fist at Matou. "I knew I couldn't expect for anything good from a guy named Shinji!"

Sighing, Matou snapped his fingers and, right before Ikari's fist could impact on his face, Bonta-kun headbutted the smaller boy into unconsciousness.

"... oi!" Ikari said before dropping down with blank eyes.

"Thank you, Sagara," Matou smirked, fixing the collar of his jacket. "I guess I should've done this from the start. I'll just have to steal his seals and Rider now, then."

Sakura sneered. "How does a simp like you hope to sustain two Servants at once?"

"They can always consume souls," Matou commented casually, chilling Sakura to her core. He frowned at her. "Oh, don't look at me like that. I'm not that bad. When I become master of all I survey I'll compensate the families or something."

Sakura struggled to swing at him with a kick again, only to keep on failing. As Matou laughed at her, however, Bonta-kun came behind her, gave her a discreet push, and she managed to kick Shinji in the face a second time.

"ET TU, SAGARA?!" Shinji demanded of Bonta-kun from the floor.

"Fumoffu fumoffu fumoffu. Fumoffu!" Bonta-kun explained.

Shinji was about to reply with something fittingly colorful and insulting, but then the chamber's door exploded from the outside.

* * *

 **Next: The Nameless Hero.**

* * *

 **TAIGA DOJOOOOOO!**

"Hey there!" Taiga-sensei greeted, slamming her shinai on the dojo's floor. "It's time for another lesson from your dear teacher! Today with me, Special Student Number Two, Yuuki Mikan-chan!"

Standing to the side with slumped shoulders, looking absolutely miserable in her tight, black gym bloomers and P.E. blouse, Mikan was muttering, "I'd dodged the bullet so far, not fair... More than forty chapters across several different fanfics set in the same continuity, and not even once I have to do any fanservice..."

"Well, that's the fate of any To Love Ru character," Sensei philosophically said. "You can outrun it for a while, but ultimately you can't escape it, and that's another valuable lesson on its own right."

"That's easy for you to say when you aren't a fanservice character!"

"Are you saying I'm not sexy? Bah, nonsense and slander! You'd better stop complaining and ask the question for tonight's segment!"

"Okay..." Mikan sighed, pulling an unfolded letter out of somewhere. "Taiga-sensei, how come a complete failure of a non-magus unheroic loser weenie like Ikari Shinji could, on his first try, manage to summon a Servant like Rider? Wait, what's any of this supposed to mean? I don't get it."

"That's an excellent question, Mikan-chan!" Taiga nodded, rubbing her own chin grandly. "You see, we could simply say the author was spinning random junk out while first writing the Fate segments of Unequally, just for kicks, and that he's now writing this spinoff as a way to make sense of them. But! It's been established since the very first chapter of Unequally, time has been resetting and looping itself continuously, dragging our souls into a continued cycle of reincarnations!"

Mikan blinked. "Wait a second, what are you saying?!"

"In one of those bizarre iterations of our time/space continuum, Ikari Shinji-kun might have been a pilot for an abnormal gigantic monstrosity made in blasphemous image of God's angels! And he might have gotten himself involved in the end of the world as we knew it, triggering supernatural world ravaging forces beyond our paltry understanding!"

"... you lost me."

Taiga gestured wildly. "Third Impact! Coming face to face with powers that would reshape reality, the boy might have been tainted by their touch, leaving forces lingering in him past the barriers of time! Accessing that on an unconscious level might, and I'm saying just _might_ , have granted him enough mana and enough of a connection to the Root, the Source of all that there is, as to allow him the summoning of a semi-divine spirit like Medusa, the misunderstood Gorgon!"

"... okay?"

Taiga shrugged with a kittenish smirk. "No matter what, however, in no continuity has he ever held the Lance of Longinus himself, and even if he did, there's no way a Lancer like him could ever be a match for Saber, that's just plain silly and makes zero sense! I mean, Saber defeated me in swordplay, what chance could he have?"

Mikan backed away from her slowly. "Can I go now? Please?"

"Next time on Taiga Dojo with my lovely co-hostess Mikan-chan! We will discuss more great mysteries of the Holy Grail War! So don't miss it, and eyes on the Grail! Rowr!"

"You mean I have to do this again?!"


	5. The Nameless Hero

Nasu Kinoko and Type-Moon created and own _Fate/Stay Night_.

The Walt Disney Company created and owns _Darkwing Duck_.

Akamatsu Ken and Kodansha created and own _Mahou Sensei Negima!_

Gatoh Shoji and Fujimi Shobo created and own _Full Metal Panic!_

No hacemos dinero de escribir este fanfic.

No talking ducks or Pegasi were hurt in the making of this chapter.

* * *

 **Fate: Unequally Blade Works.**

 **Chapter Four: The Nameless Hero.**

* * *

 **By OverMaster and Shadow Crystal M** **age** _ **.**_

* * *

 **Prologue: My Friend**.

"I saw your dreams, you know," the witch (no, not Medea) says casually, as is her custom. Normally she is quiet and silent, but when she talks, she knows exactly what to say, and how.

She reminds him of Rani from the Moon Cell, and not only because of the obvious physical similarities. More than once he's wondered if Atlas didn't pattern Rani after the witch princess, in this world and the other; it makes a moderate amount of sense when you think about it.

"That's always a bad thing to do," her Servant calmly says, standing on her balcony and looking into the distance, towards the communal dormitories.

"It's not like I could help it," the Princess, this Rose Bride always fragrant, says as she comes behind him to hug him, to run her fingers over his torso, caressing like the needed person she is. Her real prince is long gone, and for too long she's been on a quest for her; in the meantime, like any good fairy tale princess, she still needs a hero, and he's the best thing she has for now. "Why don't you hold a grudge against the child?"

Archer closes his eyes and thinks back of that day, the day he made his contract, the day that would fling him into the never ending cycle of violence.

Like so many others, he swore loyalty to the boy's project. Seeing so much of himself in him, his dreams and aspirations running parallel, he promised he'd do his best to help him, no matter what. Two peas in a pod, Chisame had grunted before retreating back to keep working on her own contribution, the artificial intelligence program that everyone half-seriously tried to dissuade her from, because didn't she know those things always turned sentient and tried to wipe out humanity, come on Chisame you were supposed to be the savvy one! And it was true, he had to admit it now. Back then, they'd all been so blind.

So naive.

They never expected for an attack as random, as seemingly pointless, as that of Vandal Savage and his new Injustice Society. Grundy. Doctor Light. The psychotic duo of Harime and Tsukuyomi, dancing across the halls of the Space Elevator in a graceful joint ballet of passionate kisses and mutual caresses while they skewered everyone in their way. The Mirror Master. Grodd, the Gorilla Overlord. The Star Sapphire. Paste-Pot Pete. The Purple Man. Otto Octavius, a decaying and broken man still fueled on by sheer misanthropy and a life supporting tentacled armor. And even, aging and bloated but still restless, ever overcharged with manic homicidal frenzy, the ultimate showman, the well-picked symbol of chaos Savage had selected as both the public face and distracting decoy of his sabotage party. Joker.

Archer had learned about the bomb in the elevator's nuclear core before anyone else could. But Light had disrupted all communications, and Saber… Artoria was long gone. He was on his own, racing desperately in his attempt to reach the device, despite knowing he'd make it in time. Until he heard the voice in his mind, as ominous as hopeful.

 _Make a contract with us_.

Homura-san had often warned them, even the boys, against such things. But it hadn't been exactly what she'd warned them against, and so Archer hoped, and took it on the offer, and with that, the dream was saved, and he was doomed.

"I don't regret it," he says now, stoically ignoring the way the witch undoes his belt. "Why would I hold it against him?"

"And it's easier to punish yourself," the witch softly says as she bites more than kisses on his earlobe. "What will they do if they lack that boy when that happens?"

"That will never come to happen in the first place," he solemnly promises. "Not this time."

The rose witch stresses her warning. "He will make it happen. Even if he doesn't want it, it's still his dream, his goal. If not Savage, someone else will strike at it."

"He was my friend," Archer says, and that's all that really needs being said.

Below, in the house smelling of roses, Mai and Mikoto sleep innocently. Up, the princess lures her knight downstairs, the witch claims her prize. He goes along. He might as well use the extra prana.

There's a long war ahead, after all.

* * *

"Tohsaka," Shirou said, voice tense, each hand Reinforcing the wooden stick firmly clutched in it to the best of his ability, "what Class of Servant is this?"

Standing her own ground by his side and holding four shiny jewels in each hand, Tohsaka Rin began answering, "Well, Emiya-kun, judging from—What the hell, Emiya, that's no Servant! Something that ridiculous looking couldn't be a Servant!"

"Your Servant is a talking duck," she was reminded by the smug, slimy bastard with purple seaweed hair standing by the hanging Sakura, his arms folded.

"My Servant," Rin indignantly said, "is a sleek, stealthy creature of the night, a boogeyman perfectly suited for urban warfare. He just happens to look like a duck! This thing, on the other hand, is just plain idiotic looking!"

"Sure, keep telling yourself that, Duck-Master!"

"That's rich coming from the deviant with the robot Servant!"

"Fumo fumo fumoffu! Fuuu!" Bonta-kun said, raising his weapons and opening fire.

Sagara Sousuke's mind felt like it was burning. Raised to become the ultimate soldier since he could first remember, he'd been educated with an unyielding sense of mental discipline and fortitude. As part of his hellish training in the harshest jungles and deserts of the planet, he'd been conditioned—most would say downright tortured—into resisting pretty much any sort of brainwashing inflicted upon him by an enemy.

However, those were methods of resistance taught by humans—if such a term applied to the child's instructors—and to be used against 'normal' humans. Sousuke's trainers and teachers were not magic users, and there was nothing they could do to prevent magical trances and hypnosis from being imposed on him.

Still, the basic principle still applied to some degree. All forms of mental subjugation, magical or not, rely on bending the victim's willpower. And Sagara, through too many long nights of physical and psychological damage, had emerged with a terrifying willpower that wouldn't make him quit in battle. Unless said battle was one he didn't intend to be taking place in the first place. Sagara's subconscious, right now, was more concerned with fighting the influence applied on him than on fighting his enemy's enemies.

That was the sole reason why his shots missed as they flew over the heads of the quickly dodging Shirou and Rin. Nimble as they were from years of training of their own, they still would have been perforated multiple times against an expert shooter armed with precision fast handguns. There was, after all, a damn good reason why Kiritsugu had earned a life out of shooting magi dead, and why all Mahora magical teachers but Takamichi, Negi and Itoshiki chose avoiding contact with Tatsumiya whenever possible. You never knew. Also, gunpowder stank.

"Kill them, Bonta-kun! Kill them!" Shinji cackled, waving a fist in circles joyfully as Sakura clenched her teeth and worked harder on undoing her bonds. Rin, grunted, tried a leg sweep at one of the Bonta's thick, chubby legs, but it felt she was kicking a brick wall. They were too close for her to feel comfortable using her best attack spells, but the plus side was now they'd gotten close enough to avoid being shot at, for the most part.

Shirou swung from the side, bashing Bonta-kun's temple with one of his sticks, but other than shattering it into splinters and dropping the mascot's hat, he achieved little to nothing. Bonta-kun easily countered by placing one of his guns right under Shirou's chin, but in the nick of time, Rin pushed her fellow Master aside, so when Sagara pulled the trigger the bullet simply flew harmlessly through the ceiling instead of Shirou's skull.

Taking half a moment to whisper a "Thanks", Shirou reached for one of the nearby display telescopes and reinforced it to replace the lost stick, then jammed it into Bonta-kun's prominent belly. Again, it seemed to have no effect whatsoever, as the telescope simply bashed against the thick layers of padding filler in the suit, but that give Rin enough time to rise with a flying kick to the mouse's face.

"C'mon, Bonta-kun, you're a natural born killer! King of the jungle!" Shinji gestured vehemently. "Stop playing with them and do 'em already! Ass, shit out the nose, you know the drill!"

Sakura snarled, almost done, snapping another line of rope before going to work on the last one. She could see her sister and Sempai working together to bash the guns out off the Bonta-kun's hands, but just as quickly, Sagara replaced the pistols with two large knives that seemed to pop from the suit's wrists, and he swung them with lethal intent. One of them cut Rin in the shoulder, making her hiss in brief pain, while Shirou blocked the other with his telescope in a dramatic show of sparks. Shinji was gnawing on one of his thumbs now, contemplating the scene with growing apprehension, and completely oblivious to his captive. Good.

Sakura could hear heavy noise, thuds and crashes coming from way below in the building. It sounded like Vigilante and Monster were bringing the house down around themselves, perhaps literally, which was quite worrying in its own right. Should the observatory collapse at any point, Sakura knew well nobody but the Servants would survive it. She could only hoped that, should the worst come to pass, Vigilante could be adopted by Negi-sensei or someone else on his team… but this wasn't the time to think of that.

Yes, she obviously didn't give a damn about Saber. Blonde hussy.

Bonta-kun was forcing Rin and Shirou back, but then that only gave Rin more room to use spells without hurting herself or Shirou. She snapped her fingers, shouted something drowned by the sounds of the battle below, and a small blast of radiance flew from her fingers into Bonta-kun's eyes, making Sagara stumble back for only a moment, before retaliating with a spinning kick that caught Shirou in the chest, crashing him against a wall, leaving a Shirou-shaped outline holding a telescope-shaped outline.

It took all of Sakura's willpower right then to restrain herself from shouting "Sempai!"

* * *

Slowly, groggily, Ikari Shinji forced himself to wake up.

Depending on how you looked at it, Ikari was extremely weak-willed or surprisingly stronger willed than apparent. While he would be a pushover in his relationships, once he felt the need to prove himself worth of someone's attention, he could be driven to the point of stupid self-sacrifice. He could be the type to endure great physical and emotional pain doing something like, to pick a totally random and arbitrary example, piloting a gigantic abomination of angelic nature in bloody combat against murderous monsters, but then he would ragequit over something as trivial as feeling mistreated... or as trascendental as a dear friend dying. He was often self-contradictory like that.

That metaphor, which otherwise has no impact upon our story, serves to illustrate how he'd go to great lengths to summon a Servant based on nothing but random books found in his parents' collection of the arcane (also, he'd been bored and unsupervised), yet feared doing anything actually related to the Grail War afterwards, and instead just stayed at home and had wild hot Master-Servant sex (which still made him a lot braver than some people actually in the war). Maybe he'd have been more proactive if he'd summoned a Servant he would feel more at ease risking, like, we dunno again, Blackbeard? Nobody likes Blackbeard but other filthy scurvy pirates and random fellow lolicon otaku anyway. But he didn't feel like sacrificing Rider, sweet, kind, soft, squishy, bouncy, enthusiastic, loud, tight, moist Rider, and for her he'd do whatever there was in the range of his limited capabilities.

Like waking up after being tapped by his childhood idol, which was another of those things highly painful both in the emotional and physical senses,

He groaned, pushing himself up on his elbows and trying to focus through the dizziness. Other than Matou's repeated urgings to "Kill them! Kill her! But leave enough so I can gloat over it!" he could hear some girl shouting a storm at him, promising colorful actions of unspeakable retaliation, and the blast and explosion sound effects one would expect from an episode of Drag So-Ball X. Also, the floor right under him seemed to be trembling.

Looking back over his shoulder, which brought further pain to his neck, strained from taking a love tap from a freaking mecha suit, he could see that red-haired boy Shinji thought was the Master of the Servant Rider was fighting pulling himself back to the fray while limping visibly. The twin-tailed girl with him was doing most of the fighting, though, not only kicking roundhouses and leg sweeps at the Bonta-kun as her legs seemed to glow with visible lines running along them, but also blasting weird energy balls at his head, which exploded on contact and made him back away closer and closer to Matou.

Bonta-kun, however, wouldn't go down that easily and pressed on, throwing several knives at once, one of which cut the girl in the back of a hand. The girl hissed in pain but retained enough presence of mind to roll away from Bonta-kun's charge, even as the boy now hit the handgun flashing from his sleeve and into his paw with some broken telescope he happened to have on himself.

Nobody had ever warned Ikari Shinji there would be days like this. He didn't anyone ''to' warn him. Rider might have, but they'd been busy… reading articles.

"Okay, to hell with you!" Tohsaka Rin snapped, forcing Shirou behind her as she held a gem before herself and chanted, _"I am the alias of destruction incarnate, in accordance with the principles of creation!"_

Bonta-kun charged again, but suddenly a circular shield of flames projected before Rin pushed him back.

 _"Let the hammer of eternity descend unto me!"_ Rin kept on chanting. _"EXPLOSION!"_

 _Somewhere in the Crimson Magic Clan Village of Mundus Magicus, someone sneezed. And there was an Explosion, curiously enough_.

And a massive blast of fire impacted Bonta-kun straight on, briefly blinding all those in the room and forcing Ikari to shield his eyes with a forearm. When he felt he could finally look again, he saw Matou gasping, pale and shaken, at the girl, who stood smugly before a Bonta-kun whose front had been completely burnt off, showing the metallic, robotic exoskeleton formerly covered by the adorable face, chest and belly of the Friend to All Children (won from Gamera after an extended legal battle).

"How... How could you do that!" Matou gasped, still oblivious to his former ally's revival. "That's not fair, it's not supposed to work that way! The rules concerning Explosion are clear, it's so taxing you should be dropping unconscious after casting it, not to mention you could cast it, and only it, only once a—!"

Rin chuckled. "Bitch, please! When you're a Tohsaka, magic is what you want it to be! We've spent years studying and perfecting dozens of spells from both Vetus and Magicus! Not my fault if you Matous can't even imagine doing that!"

"That's still not a true Explosion, though, is it?" Shirou wondered aloud.

"Shut up, Emiya-kun," Rin said through her clenched smile.

"I mean," Shirou went on, "Dad didn't tell me that much about magic, but he still told me enough for me to know Explosion is supposed to be much bigger than that..."

"Shut _up_ , Emiya-kun," Rin repeated, tensely regaining her breath while holding another gem and waiting for the currently immobile Bonta-kun to either drop or strike once more. She dearly hoped for the former, since she wasn't sure how long she could keep in fighting like this.

"I know!" Shirou snapped his fingers. "It's because you didn't want to risk hurting Sakura, right? That's why it was so small, or was it you just couldn't—"

"SHUT! UP!" Rin warned a last time, before Bonta-kun twitched back to life and popped a massive machete out of each wrist. "FIREBALL!" she shouted next, tossing a ball of fire at Bonta-kun.

"Ah, you're doing it again!" Matou whined. "You goddamn cheater! Who do you think you are, fucking Lina Inverse?!"

Ikari, still splayed across the floor on his stomach, sighed wearily and closed a fist, not to mention his eyes. _Screw this, I just want to go home_ , he thought, and then said, "Rider, please. Come here to me!"

That was when Sakura finally undid the last of her binds and landed on her feet and on his back, making him shriek and leaving him unconscious again.

* * *

During his prior life, Vigilante had often fought a recurring foe who obsessed over the (relatively recent and unexplored in Mundus Magicus) art of filmmaking. That adversary had often lured him into traps patterned after old horror movies from the Old World, and would follow all conventions and tropes of the genre slavishly.

Several of these traps had called back to black and white scenarios of old, dilapidated structures where cackling madmen playing at God summoned half-undead, half-mechanic, half-lawyer tragic monstrosities to do their bidding through their inhuman strength. Other than the apparent absence of a hunchbacked minion somewhere, Vigilante's current situation felt just like being trapped in one of those old films all over again.

Monster moved with the blunt, steamrolling might of a Berserker, but no Mad Enhancement clouded her mind. While she didn't seem particularly bright in strategy or eloquce, she moved in a way that was primarily offensive without leaving any major holes in her defense. Very early in their clash, she had forced Vigilante to play a more defensive game himself, bouncing from one corner of the hall to the other while shooting at her, but most of those shots would be deflected by her mace, and even those that hit, she would just charge through the resulting explosion of gas shortly after, apparently none the worse.

Her being technically not alive on three different fronts (Servant, probably a machine, probably some revived mockery of life even in her previous existence) meant he wasn't holding back, but even so, she had the upper hand so far. Gas pellets, even the knockout varieties, weren't doing the trick; it seemed like Monster didn't even breathe (something most Servants still did even if they didn't need to, both because of constant habit and to better pass for humans in case of need), so making her inhale them was out of the question.

He could always try the incendiary charges, but those expanded quickly, and he didn't want to risk burning the building down until Rin had pulled Sakura out. Muttering under his breath as he leapt out of the way of Monster's latest one-woman stampede, he loaded a grappling hook shot and caught Monster's mace in it, trying to pull it towards himself and disarm her, but she made something that vaguely approached a small smile and charged her weapon with electricity stored in her body, shocking him and forcing him to stumble back in pain.

"Why, you...!" the feathered creature yelled, falling back into a crouching position, his cape wrapped around himself. He had been shocked harder by Megavolt, so he remained conscious, but it was clear taking a hold, direct or indirect, of the mace wasn't going to work either. He slid across the floor, trying to snare her legs between his feet, but she gracefully danced out of his way and used her weapon as a mallet, hitting him in the head and bashing him across the room to slam into the wall, creating a Vigilante-shaped outline.

He groaned while putting his hat back on, and he could see her frowning slightly as she regarded him, and how he quickly stood back up. Apparently she had been counting on finishing him sooner than that, which surely meant she had little patience.. or tactics... for a long drawn-out conflict.

On the other hand, while alive, Vigilante's exploits had most often followed a certain pattern; he would go against a new enemy or an old foe with a new trick, the adversary would overwhelm him at their first clash, he would regroup, then attack again with renewed vigor and a new angle and he would prevail. Liberally sprinkle with disobedient-daughter shenanigans as needed. They seemed to be opposites, he calculated, not only in that she hoped to win quickly with no real plan for a second stage, but also in their raw capabilities.

Monster, from the way she moved and attacked, was a physical powerhouse, but from what Vigilante had heard about the Matous, they were a family on their way down, both in prestige and power. Rin's family had certainly known better days as well, but even now both Tohsaka sisters were gifted with incredible amounts of mana to draw from.

Even though he'd never admit it, Vigilante was used to being the little guy, the underdog who would find a way to win against the odds. He was the small fish pulling from a lot of power to boost his stats, while Monster looked like a bigger fish acting in a way that didn't fit the much smaller reserves fueling her. He grinned. The more things changed, and all of that. This was just like all those other fights, so long ago.

"Okay, okay, then, I see. So that's what you can bring to this game. Only it won't be a game anymore. Let's get dangerous," he said, better adjusting the hat on his head, and the battle was rejoined.

* * *

Artoria had always loved horses. She found them to be the noblest of beasts, and even though she always would be compared to the might of a lion or a dragon, she would always prefer the majestic grace of a well-bred and trained stallion or mare.

And they didn't come much more majestic and imposing than this unearthly creature of power and beauty. She couldn't imagine there could a horse, anywhere, more gorgeous and impressive than the being of wide spreading wings, covered by soft looking white feathers, that Medusa was now riding while holding a golden bridle.

 _Sitting on her huge throne, overlooking the prosperous lands of Equestria in Mundus Magicus, Princess Celestia, whose beauty would greatly eclipse even that of the original Pegasus, simply tilted her head aside and smiled, with a slight shrug of shoulders. Princess didn't sneeze, yo!_

Still, that didn't make Saber's resolve falter in the slightest. This, too, was the enemy now. While she never would hurt a horse unless absolutely necessary, and even in the battlefields she always aimed for the rider and not the steed, this was a completely different affair, a conflict far greater than any of them.

Rider tossed her long purple hair back, as her horse moved his head in a half-circle and neighed loudly. Over in the distance, Chachamaru could be heard sighing lovingly.

"A truly impressive Noble Phantasm, Rider," Saber congratulated, analyzing the new situation carefully. Pegasus' wings flapped, sending mighty bursts of wind everywhere, and Rider tilted her head forward as if accepting the praise with a subtle smirk. "However, are you sure it is a useful as it is eye-catching?"

Rider chuckled. "Ufufu. I'm afraid he's still far too gentle. However, there are ways around that," she added, tightening her grip on the bridle, which glowed further and quickly shifted, becoming thicker and tighter, increasing the horse's protestations. "Truth be told, I'm not his true master, but his myth still grew tangled with mine over time, so..."

The horse's eyes grew redder, and his breathing ragged and rougher, his nose pumping air out so hard it sounded like it was puffing vapor instead. Saber grunted and waved the invisible sword, creating several tornados of compressed air that rose to try and hit Rider and the Pegasus, but the enemy Servant pulled the bridle up, and they elevated, barely out of reach, the impacts only managing to hit the animal's hooves. A rainbow began to trail from the Phantasmal Beast as it flew.

"You are not fit to touch this beast, Saber," Rider said, "as he was given birth by a god. Your demise is thus as guaranteed as a decree from Heavens. But fear not, as that also means it will be quick and painless."

"It is a surprise," Saber evenly said. "To think a demon like you would comfort a victim with promises of mercy."

Something about that observation seemed to displease Rider, as there was no outburst from her but a fleeting, yet marked scowl marred her perfect features. The bridle was tugged on further, and they shot up into the nocturnal sky, turning into a silver streak that soon was nothing but a tiny sparkle amongst the other stars. Saber knew better than to expect for a retreat, however, and she clenched her teeth, her gauntlets squeezing on the handle of the invisible sword.

From her vantage point, Chachamaru could perfectly see and hear her, as the Servant closed her eyes and chanted, quiet and controlled, _"O mighty wind..."_

The silver streak began descending at an incredible speed, rocketing downwards towards the waiting Saber, whose blade was beginning to show more visibly, a faint outline of a glowing intensity apparent between the gales of amazing raw power emanating from it. Chachamaru had never seen anything that amazing before, other than the incident at Lake Biwa where her Master had unleashed her full power. Or what Chachamaru thought approached the most to her full power of what she had bothered to ever show before her, anyway. No doubt there was still far more to her than that.

"Rider!" Saber shouted, opening her eyes again. The sword was almost fully visible now, its lines classic and sleek, elegant and conventional, yet unmistakably lethal and unopposable. While nowhere as big as Asuna's blade, it was just as impressive in its own way. "You only have yourself to blame for this!"

And with a final explosion of mana, the sword revealed itself in full, glinting under the waning light, even as Pegasus and Rider's figures again grew fully visible within the approaching streak.

This was it. The incoming clash would be something epic and awe inspiring, but also terrifying, and no doubt at least one of them wouldn't survive it. Chachamaru now regretted not having called on Ala Alba, despite the danger, as they had a talent for defusing dangerous situations, especially whenever attractive women were involved. But alas, it was too late for that by now, since in a few moments...

And then, just as Rider seemed to be shouting something, a name, at the same time Saber was opening her mouth to roar her call to her true Noble Phantasm, the black (half) clad Servant seemed to tense, then twitch violently in midair. Her face grew suddenly desperate and urgent, and she pulled back on the bridle, steering Pegasus roughly off-course.

And a second later, then simply blinked out of view, disappearing altogether.

Chachamaru didn't understand. Had they feared? Had they sensed defeat and retreated at the last moment? Or was this a trick and they intended to strike immediately later, from another angle? Were they counting on it for Saber to lower her guard? If so, that didn't happen, as Saber never lowered the sword of legend... although she did look away, towards the observatory, and her eyes widened.

A second later, she was leaping off into the distance, towards that building, while leaving Chachamaru behind without a single attempt at explanation.

Chachamaru still didn't truly understand how Servants fought and acted. But she knew she had enough of this by now.

They'd even scared all the nice little animals away!

* * *

"Wait a minute," Shirou managed to gasp despite the thick, chubby, very steely fingers wrapped around his throat, "how did we get in this situation in the first place?! I wasn't paying attention, sorry."

"Fumo fumoffu fumo. Fumo-Fu!" Bonta-kun reminded him as he held him in a paw, Rin in the other, lifting them both off his feet and setting them up for the finish. Now that his whole face was peeled off revealing the robotic skull underneath, the effect had stopped being ridiculous and became downright horrifying. He'd gone from Bonta-kun to Bontarminator.

"Oh, right," Shirou said, trying to nod as best as he could. Wow, that had been a stupid idea on his part. "Sorry, Tohsaka."

Rin struggled in Bonta-kun's grasp, kicking at Bonta-kun's body, but even her magically charged kicks did little against the combined body armor and leftovers of the shredded plush body shielding Sagara's anatomy. She spraed the time to give him a dirty look before she redirected it back to Matou. Matou boasted with his fists on his hips, savoring the moment.

"The classic scene!" he laughed. "After a log, grueling struggle, the heroes prevail and have the villains at their mercy, ready to dispatch them with a clever quip, then to ride into the sunset! Oboy, does this feel great, or it feels wonderful?"

"So, you're going to heroically let us go and allow us a second chance to mend our ways?" Shirou said.

"No, I'm going to shoot you dead so you can never harm anyone again, like a good 80's action hero. Now then, Tohsaka, what was it you were saying about—"

"TALK TO THIS TOHSAKA!" Sakura shouted as she swung at him from behind with a plank of wood left from unfinished repairs, slamming it on the back of his head and knocking him unconscious. She sniffled angrily, rubbing her runny nose, and muttered, "This should feel good, but I only feel sick in my stomach…"

Bonta-kun tilted his head towards her. "Fumoffu?"

"Y-Yeah, that's right! Fumoffu!" Sakura challenged, standing her ground while preparing the plank again. "Fumoffu you! Now let my sister and Sempai go or I'll seriously fumoffu you!"

"Sakura, are you insane?!" Rin complained.

"Fumoffu fumo fumo fumo fumoffu. Fumo-fumo-fu!" Bonta-kun pointed out.

"Don't 'fumoffu' me, Mister!" Sakura warned. "I've had a very bad day, I'm sure you've done just as bad, so let's make this easy for both of us! Just drop them already, okay?"

Shirou tilted his eyes towards Tohsaka, which was all he could do at the time. "You," he could rasp, "are a bad influence."

Rin gurgled something.

"Fu, fu fumoffu. Fumoffu fu!" Bonta-kun argued.

"Yes, but he's down and out cold now, isn't he?" Sakura argued back. "You're a puppet with no strings, so why keep dancing? What's the point?"

Bonta-kun assumed a proud martial pose. "Fumoffu fumoffu fu-fu-fu, fu-fu-fu. Fumoffu!" he declared as wind blew through the observatory, a tattered banner behind him that had been bleached white by wind, rain, sunlight and age fluttered behind him like a flag, a model of mars suspended from what was left of the ceiling position just right smack in the middle of it.

"You have no duty as a soldier to an enemy general!" Sakura told him. "And that's all Matou-sempai was! Furthermore, now that he's been defeated and found guilty of crimes against the Pravda Convention, he's lost any military ranking he might ever have held over you!"

"Fumo fumo fumo fuffu. Fummo-fu!" Bonta-kun corrected her.

"Oh, well, yes, that. Same difference!" Sakura said, waving a hand in a circle. "Look, don't try the 'I was just following orders' defense, you know what happens to guys who do that!"

Bonta-kun paused in pondering, then let go of Shirou and Rin, who dropped on their butts.

"Ouch."

"Ouch."

Sakura smiled, and was about to go hugging one of them (she hadn't decided which yet) when a huge flash of light coming from above startled them, including Bonta-kun, who trained an unexplained new pair of handguns up at the two figures that had just appeared hovering over them. However, recognizing the Servant mounting the flying white horse as one of those Matou had hypnotized him into never attacking, he lowered the guns just as soon.

"R-Rider!" Shirou gasped. "What, what happened to S—"

Ignoring them altogether, Rider leapt off Pegasus' back, and landed with both feet on Matou's spine, making him jolt back into awareness just to scream, twitch and drop back into unconsciousness. She trampled all over him as she dashed towards the limp Ikari, scooping him up in her arms and lifting him in a heartbreaking classically tragic pose. _La Pieta_ , you know, that pose where it looks like they really should be a hair from dropping the person they're carrying.

She took her head back and howled in unmitigated anguish, "MASTERRRRRRRRRR!"

Perhaps because of the inhuman scream, a tiny part of the domed ceiling shattered into fine dust right above them, showering them in marble-white powder and allowing for the twilight to fall on them for extra dramatic effect, adding to the pathos of the scene.

Rider sobbed. "My poor, poor young Master, taken away from me so soon! So young!"

"Um, I don't think he's dead," Shirou piped in.

Rider kept on lamenting. "Why couldn't I be by his side in his hour of need? Why wasn't I here protecting the sole ray of light in my existence? Why didn't we just stay in bed this morning?"

"But he isn't dead," Sakura said.

Rider sank her face into Ikari's scrawny chest. "So frail, so fleeting! Never again will I enjoy the pleasures of his company! Listening to depressing music together! Sharing books on heart crushing poetry! Commiserating on familiar neglect, savoring our pain! The mutual pity sex! Experiencing existential angst as one under the twilight sun! The existential angst sex! The warm feeling of wetness as he rubs himself off on me when he thinks I'm asleep as if I were in a coma!"

"I mean, come on, it's too early in the story for people to start dying yet," Rin said. "You've gotta get to know the characters better first, or else there's no dramatic payoff to it. You really only have to worry around Chapter Eight onwards."

 _Deadpool, wherever he is, suddenly appeared in a little yellow box in the lower-right corner of the screen! "Wait, what? That's my thing you twintailed tsundere bitch! I'll sue! I'll schedule the next Deadpool movie to compete against the Heaven's Feel movie and steal your box office!"_

"Oh, shut up you," Rin muttered, kicking him out of the lower-right corner of the screen. "That's Sakura's movie anyway!"

Sakura blinked. "Neesan?"

Rin waved a hand. "From Zelretch-sensei's classes. Don't ask. You aren't ready, with any luck you'll never be."

Huffing to himself, Pegasus quietly fluttered to the floor, gave everybody present a seen-it-all, flat and apathetic look, and walked past the immobile Bonta-kun and wide-eyed, perplexed Shirou to go noisily munch on an old, faded banner that had been fluttering behind Bonta-kun.

Rider turned around to face the others, still holding Ikari in her arms. "Who," she asked coldly, "is to blame for this villainy?"

Shirou, Sakura and Bonta-kun all pointed down at the knocked out Matou.

Rin facepalmed. "Guys, she's wearing a blindfold! She can't see your hands pointing down!"

"No," Rider said, tilting her head down towards Matou and baring her teeth, "but I can feel the vibrations of the air as they move their hands."

"Then how come you can't hear your Master's heartbeat?!" Rin exploded, wondering if other than Saber and herself, everybody else in this War was some sort of combination of wuss, idiot and insane.

"My Master's heart is not—" Rider then paused, placed her ear on Ikari's chest, and then jubilantly lifted him over her head. "HE LIVES!"

The fading light seemed to grow more intense and spirit-lifting as Sakura and Shirou slowly, half-heartedly clapped. Rin only facepalmed again as Bonta-kun gave her a pat or two on a shoulder. Pegasus simply rolled his eyes while keeping chewing.

Rider smiled contentedly as she gently hugged the sleeping Ikari. "In that case, I will be merciful and kill this miscreant quickly."

"What— No!" Shirou protested.

"Cool," Rin said

"I'll hold him stead for you," Sakura said.

"Fumo fumo fumoffu fumo." Bonta-kun said.

Rider addressed Bonta-kun. "Well, they may be my enemies and my Master's, but let us be honest, there is no reason to believe this filthy person would not attempt to harm Master sooner or later during their 'alliance'. Hence, I suppose I should be killing him off regardless."

"No argument from me," Rin said.

"Fumu fufu mofumofu," Bonta-kun said, nodding sagely.

"No! Killing is evil and wrong!" Emiya said.

"I'm evil," Rider matter of factly said.

"Now, now, Rider-san," said Sakura, who somehow felt this strangely alluring individual could be reasoned with and even trusted, as long as she kept her away from her man. "Just think of the poor, misguided but still salvageable life you will be truncating..."

Rin raised an eyebrow. "This guy's?"

Bonta-kun looked at Sakura like she was a crazy person.

"Of course not! I was talking about Monster-san," Sakura said. "Nee-san, she looks like a nice person who was only being forced to follow orders against her will. There's no way for us to stop this Servant from taking Matou-san's life—"

"You aren't even trying to!" Shirou pointed out.

"— but that doesn't mean Monster-san's life should be wasted along his. Maybe we should st— take his Command Seals away before the inevitable happens?"

Bonta-kun nodded vigorously. "Fumo fumo fumo fu. Fumoffu fu-fuu!"

"Nothing's inevitable, there's always a way!" Shirou said. "Seriously, Tohsaka, see? You're a bad influence on her! Issei was right after all, you have—!"

Rin silenced him with a gesture, then thought carefully as she rubbed her chin from one side to another and back again as she idly flipped the knife in her hands. Wait, when did she get a knife? Then she smiled and gave a thumbs up. "Okay, if you're so sure about that, I'll trust your instincts this time, Sakura! You're an awful judge of character when it comes to men, but you usually get women spot-on! Here, let me cut off his hand."

Rider nodded. "I might have reacted far too hastily. I hold no personal animosity of my own towards Monster, so you can take her Seals from him before I kill him for trying to take my seals from my Master."

Shirou waved his arms. "Are you guys even listening to yourselves?! In what world isn't that the most hypocritical—"

The women glared at him. "Completely different things!" they said at once while Pegasus sighed and shrugged his wings, and Shirou flinched under the combined glare. Even Rider seemed to be glaring. Somehow.

"Fumo-fumo fumoffu." Bonta-kun fumofu'ed. "Fu fu fumoffu fimoffu fu fumoffu. Fumoffu fumoffu fumoffu. Fu, fu, Mo, Mo mo fumoffu fumo-fu. Fumoffu fumoffu. Fu fu fumoffu fu. Fu, fumoffu? Fu-mo-mo, fumo fumoffu. Fumoffu."

And that was when the floor under them all but exploded up.

* * *

"Okay," Vigilante admitted, "you're definitely tougher than you look."

They'd been hitting each other brutally with everything they had, over the last few minutes, untile the point the floor under them had cracked and shattered everywhere, tiles crumpled into shards and dust. Monster had found Vigilante, despite his small size and weak appearance, had an incredibly high damage soak when truly driven, shrugging off direct hits of the mace only to keep on fighting through blows that would have shattered any man's skull in contact.

It was like fighting one of those 'cartoon characters' the Master would sometimes watch in his free time. Happy Tree Friends, she thought? No matter what, he just wouldn't die, and while his means of retaliation often looked ridiculous, now resorting to pull large objects seemingly out of nowhere and bashing her down with them, they hit just as hard and— was that an anvil he had on him now?

"Fall, fall already, will you?!" an exasperated Vigilante asked, slamming his shiny, black instrument down on her, only to be intercepted by the mace, electricity shooting through the metal surface and forcing him to drop the blunt tool aside, opening another large hole in the ground. Monster was, despite having a crap Master, surprisingly more resiliant than she looked, as he'd just remarked. He was himself resorting to one of his Noble Phantasms, the 'Let's Get Dangerous' invocation, to push himself past his limits, but he honestly wasn't sure how long he could keep it up.

Monster, as was evident now her fingers sank into another power socket in a wall, her body twitching slightly while crackling energy ran through her body, making impossible for him to touch her, had an alternate way of powering herself up, through absorbing electricity from the systems Matou had rewired into the tower. The whole observatory was her battery, and while he could try and sabotage the systems if he managed to buy himself enough breathing time, he wasn't sure he could do it that without endangering Rin and Sakura above.

Growling in frustration, he shot Monster with another gas pellet, only to have her batting it aside, and then charging back at him, with renewed vigor. Briefly becoming a blur, he hit her head with something she thought looked like a kitchen sink before following with a roundhouse kick to her chest. Now in close quarters, they went for all and simply resorted to exchange mutual blows, making even the shaky walls tremble. Hers was the edge in raw strenght, but he was faster, and thus they were actually sort of even.

Vigilante realized that, while each recharge left her with incredible boosts of augmented might, they passed quickly, perhaps because the rewiring of the building had been a rushed job and Matou wasn't that good an electricist. She lost steam quickly, and Vigilante smiled. "Gotcha," he said, redoubling his efforts, struggling to put her down before he would collapse himself.

Fine dust fell on them from the ceiling, or rather the next story's floor, which was creaking loudly and threatening to plummet on them any moment now. Monster noticed this first and clenched her teeth, grabbing Vigilante by his jacket and headbutting him to buy herself more room. Now she really regretted having sawed her tiara's horn off, since that might have decided the fight right then and there.

While Vigilante stumbled back, dazed, she rammed a hand into his suit, looking for something to use against him. It stood to reason, if his strange capacities were of a kind she couldn't duplicate, then one of his extra weapons would work the best against him, but—

"No... Not that!" Vigilante gasped as she randomly grabbed and pulled out a big, red capsule, holding it firmly in her hand. "That's... a Fire Bomb Pellet!"

Monster blinked, staring at the device in her hand, and then realized, without meaning to, she had squeezed it a bit too hard between her fingers while pulling out, as there were several fissures on its surface, and some of its red, warm contents were spilling on her palm, growing hotter by the moment...

"Oh oh," Vigilante gasped.

"Fire bad," Frankenstein's Monster said, a moment before the area where they stood, and several stories above them, blew up in a maelstrom of flames.

* * *

For a moment, after being shaken off her feet, Tohsaka Rin stayed quiet. She had landed with her face between Sakura's breasts, after all, and it always was warm and comfy there. She felt the urge to ask for cookies.

Then she willed herself back up, sternly reminding herself this wasn't the time and, stoically ignoring Sakura's long drawn out moan, she knelt on the floor that was slowly but surely coming apart right under them. "We've gotta leave. Now!" she said.

"I wholeheartedly agree," Rider said, hopping on Pegasus' back with the inert Ikari in her arms, "to a degree."

And she threw two dagger and chain weapons around Shirou and Rin's ankles, pinning them against the floor. "In what concerns to Master and I," she made clear. "You, on the other hand, are still enemy Masters and thus obstacles for our happiness, if not survival. My apologies, this is nothing personal."

"It sure feels personal!" Shirou cried.

"What the hell?!" Rin yelled, trying to pull the dagger that was keeping her stuck, then to unwrap the chain around her lower leg, and finding out she wasn't having any more success with it than Chachamaru had when she was pinned to that tree. From the way Shirou growled and angrily pulled at his own restrains, he wasn't faring any better either. "Damn it, Rider...!"

"Did I say anything bound us together other than having Matou for a common enemy?" Rider asked, while pulling on the bridle and forcing a reluctant-looking Pegasus to flap and gain more altitude. "I'm sorry if you misunderstood me. As for you, Sakura... right? You are no enemy of us, so you are advised to leave while you can..."

"Never! Not without them!" Sakura protested, also kneeling up to hug the still struggling Rin.

Rider sighed, even as she slammed two more dagger and chain combos on the dome and pulled on the, literally ripping apart enough of a section for them to make a tight escape out. The large chunk of concrete landed several feet away from the sisters and Shirou, and centimeters away from Matou's head, making the floor to tremble even further, almost sinking unto itself. "Blast it. I've missed him," Rider softly said before flying up and out with Pegasus and Shinji. "So be it then. I can respect the bond between devoted sisters, so Master and I will make sure to honor your graves properly..."

"D-Don't say that kind of stupid things, now!" Shirou barked, but they were already going up the hole into the starry sky, and then disappearing. "Damn it," he grumbled, while smoking began flowing up from between the cracks on the floor. Bringing along the deep smell of out of control fires with it. "Tohsaka, any ideas?"

"... I can't believe you're asking me that!" Rin shouted. "The Card, remember the godforsaken card!? Try and see if Saber's still alive so she can—!"

"On it, there's no need to shout," Shirou said, shaking his head as he applied his Pactio card to his forehead like Negi-sensei had taught him to. "You'll only end up making things worse..."

Then the nearest wall literally exploded from the outside, spraying small pulverized chunks everywhere, and in, valiantly, boldly, leapt Saber, heading directly towards... "Shirou!"

Sakura, for some reason, felt a great desire for Kool-Aid.

Emiya blinked as she quickly caught him in her arms, pulling him up from the floor and instantly snapping Rider's chains with minimal effort. "Wow, that was fast! I hadn't even—!"

"I was already on my way here," Saber said, making sure he was physically okay before feeling the floor giving up right under them. "And now," she said, in a very dry and stoic tone, "I am on my way down, as well."

With a final, loud crash, the floor broke apart and they plummeted.

"FUMOFFU!" Bonta-kun shouted.

"Nee-san!" Sakura screamed, trying to hold on to Rin but being pulled apart from her by the fall, despite of Rin's frantic attempts to catch her. Matou's unconscious form fell like a dead weight, but then something jumped up from the inferno, like a mostly white blur, and intercepted him. This blur, which was recognizable as a Monster with most of her wedding gown battle damaged and burnt as soon as she sank her mace on a wall to stop their way down, clinging tenaciously to the handle, then snapped her legs together to grab Sakura by the waist, securing her between her thighs. The purple haired girl and looked up at the Servant, whose bangs obscured most of her face, other than her unsmiling, fully unreadable chin area. "M-Monster...?!"

Saber, growling with the effort, let Shirou cling to her body as she reached down with a hand, catching Rin's before she could splatter against the fires raging below. With her other hand, she sank her blade into the wall opposite Monster's, hanging from her weapon with her rescued charges much like the other Servant was doing. "I've got you," she reassured them, voice firm and steady. "I won't let anything happen to you, I won't—"

"Vigilante!" Rin screamed, trying to get a look at what transpired under them, the lower floors of the observatory consumed quickly by the flames. Bonta-kun had slammed squarely into the middle of it all, but the incredible bulk of the robotic suit seemed to have saved its pilot's life, as he already was struggling to pull himself back up, although obviously hurt from the collision. Rin began tearing up, her lower lip trembling. "Oh my God, Vigilante, no, why—"

"Why what?" a curious voice asked from above her, and Rin's head snapped back up to see Vigilante standing on a window's ledge, just as bruised and half-charred as Monster but otherwise alive and kicking, while still holding his gasgun in one hand, a grappling hook line coming out of it and even now connected to what remained of the dome.

"Dammit, Vigilante! You and your stupid Disney Deaths!" Rin yelled, her tears of sorrow quickly replaced by ones born from anger. "How did you get up there in the first place?! I didn't see you zooming up past me!"

"Um, I totally saw him," Shirou piped in as Saber nodded stiffly. "But it's not like I can blame you, everything happened so fast, and there's smoke everywhere, so, cough cough..."

"Cough cough, and why didn't you catch me anyway?!" Rin was shaking her fist at her Servant now. "I could have died!"

"Saber already had you, so I thought..." Vigilante began.

"That's no excuse, no reason for you to stop doing your job!" Rin protested, right before a small piece of debris fell on her head and forced her into a lower pitched grunt. "Anyway, get us out of here now, before the main telescope falls and crushes us on the way down!"

"Can do," Vigilante nodded, using his rope to pull Rin to the window with himself, while Saber downright threw a yelping Shirou at them, the boy quickly clinging to the window's frame to save his life. The duck, in the meanwhile, looked at Monster, Sakura and Shinji, and blinked in surprise. "Monster? Why are you—?"

"Don't give her any ideas!" Rin hissed threateningly, taking a moment to give another look at the precariously hanging main telescope and the small section of reinforced floor still holding it in place. "Monster," she then told the enemy Servant, "I think we need to have a talk as soon as we're on safe ground, don't you think?"

Monster nodded quietly, and then swung her hips to expertly toss the shrieking Sakura into Rin's expecting arms.

"Thank you," Rin nodded, hugging her trembling sister tightly, as if to never let her go. "Now, if you think you can't make it here with your Master, you can just drop him, we will all understand..."

"Fumo fumo fumoffu!" Bonta-kun shouted his opinion on the subject from the first floor, as he limped to the front door and pushed it open, stumbling out like some sort of Bear Terminator Exoskeleton amidst a sea of flames.

Monster seemed to give that concept some serious thought, then flung Shinji's body into Shirou's arms. The redhead held the smaller boy against himself and then gestured for Monster. "Come with us if you want to live! There's no time!"

"Thank. You," Monster said. "This. Is. The most. Kind. Anyone's. Ever been. To me."

She made a small, sad smile, then pulled the mace back and allowed herself to drop all the way down.

* * *

Sakura sobbed as she sat on the grass a distance from the burning observatory. "That's... that's not fair..." she said, rubbing her eyes with the back of a hand. "I could tell she was a good person, after all... Why did she have to do that?"

Standing by Shirou's side with her gaze coolly focused on the crumbling building, Saber mused aloud, "Perhaps her soul was not in this War. If she truly was as humble and gentle as you make her to be, she wasn't a warrior and she couldn't be in peace with herself. Let us respect her wishes."

"How can you say—" Sakura began, but then deflated into a weary sigh. "Never mind. It's all my fault anyway. If I hadn't gone with... Matou-san, none of this would have happened, your lives wouldn't have been endangered, and Monster-san would still live on. I'm sorry, so sorry, everyone. And... thank you, Saber-san. For saving my sister and Sempai."

"Think nothing of it," Saber said, still looking intently into the flaming wreckage.

"Don't beat yourself up, Sakura, there's no point to it," Shirou said, crouching down by Bonta-kun and frowning at its pilot. "Hey, Sagara-san, don't you think you should get off that thing already, so we can tell how hurt you are? We can't take you to a hospital like that."

"Fumo fumo fumoffu. Fuuuu," Bonta-kun said, awkwardly reclined against a tree.

"I don't think he _can_ take that thing off now, Emiya-kun," Rin observed. "Better use that thing to call Negi-sensei, so he can bring Konoe-san along. For all we know, that suit's the only thing keeping Sagara-kun alive."

"It's not called 'a thing', it's a cellphone," Emiya corrected as he pulled the thing out.

"Same difference," Rin waved the issue away. She put her hands on her hips and sighed, witnessing the destruction. "Abandoned area or not, the Headmaster'll be angry as hell over this. As soon as Konoe-san heals Sagara-kun, we'd better split and leave as fast as we can. You can move just fine, can't you, Vigilante?"

"Yep, yep, yep, thanks for asking," the duck groaned, cracking his back into place once more. "No thanks to that girl, however. She was a real fighter, gotta hand that to her. Don't you think she still could be—?"

Rin shrugged. "Who knows? Many Servants have survived worse. As long as the main telescope doesn't fall on her and the whole tower—"

Then she and her Servant cringed as the huge telescope on the top of the observatory finally collapsed and plummeted through the building, making it implode in a final, glorious blaze that lit the night up.

As soon as the ground stopped quaking and the rumblings of the devastation faded, Sakura could be heard crying even more loudly, with a sympathetic Shirou patting his back. "Yeah, we're fine otherwise, excuse me just a moment, Sensei," he spoke into his phone before warmly telling Sakura, "Now, now, have faith, won't you? Look!" he smiled, pointing at the hand of Shinji, who had been unceremoniously tossed aside minutes ago and now snored with a snot bubble coming out of his nose. "His Command Seals are still in place!"

"That means nothing in itself, Shirou," Saber said. "The demise of a Servant doesn't mean the Master's seals will vanish, for they will remain as long as the War is active and the Master retains a chance to gain another Servant."

Sakura began crying even louder. Shirou glared at Saber.

"... what?" Artoria asked, genuinely not getting why he'd be upset at her over serving some perfectly useful and accurate information.

Rin sighed. "It's okay to cry, Sakura. After all, the loss of an actual strong and serviceable Servant is a tragedy in itself. But you know what they say, only the good die young..."

"Who was it who said," Shirou mused aloud, "something like 'my Servant is a sleek, majestic, mysterious creature of the night who just happens to look like a duck'?"

"Shut up," Rin venomously warned.

"It's okay, Mr. Emiya," Vigilante magnanimously said. "I didn't need to be told that, I already knew she cared when I saw her crying about my supposed death..."

"Keep that up and there won't be anything 'supposed' about it!" Rin threatened, pointing at the seals on the back of her hand. Then she snorted. "Well, whaddya know. The telescope wasn't enough."

"Wh-What...?" Sakura babbled, lifting her face from Shirou's chest and looking back at the huge pile of smoking wreckage, from which a tiny, half broken figure was emerging slowly, with aching, torturous movements, supporting itself on a long pole with a massive bulbous end. Sakura's face beamed as she quickly turned away from Shirou and raced past Rin and Vigilante, towards the half-limping, half-dragging form that was walking away from the ruins. "Monster-san! Monster-san, that's you!"

Shirou raised an eyebrow. "Oh, just look at that. So she doesn't die even when she has a whole observatory tower dropped on her."

"Yeah, well," Rin said, "that's the mark of a true— You know, that's perfectly accurate and all, yet it sounded so dumb, and still, somehow I feel you have said something even dumber."

"I think you've inhaled too much smoke, Master," Vigilante opined.

* * *

Matou Shinji was starting to wake, much against his will, from a recurring dream of his. The one where Rider, popular singer Sairenji Haruna, actress Komiyama Airi, Net Idol Chiu and Queen of Seiyuus Megumi Reynard were wearing harem slave costumes and washing him off in a Turkish bath. He chuckled as he realized that wasn't happening yet, but soon it would, oh yes.

All he needed was to win the Holy Grail War, which would be a piece of cake as soon as he killed Tohsaka...

Wait. He hadn't killed Tohsaka yet!

Alarmed, he opened his eyes as wide as they would go, and found himself staring up at a duck who had his foot planted on his chest and was aiming a handgun at his head. Around them, there stood the Tohsakas, the ginger and his Servant, a still smoking Bonta-kun exoskeleton with a machinegun at the ready, and Monster of all people.

The older Tohsaka grinned demonically at him, her hands full of ominously shiny gems. "Why, welcome back, Matou-kun. Ready to start another round of conversation? I think we'd left at the part where we decided whether you parted ways with your Servant the easy way or the hard way."

Shinji gasped. "What, what are you talking about, we never debated—"

"We are now," Rin pressed on. "Now, Emiya-kun, Saber-san and your Servant here are vouching for the easy way. My sister, Sagara-kun and I are pushing for the hard way. Vigilante chose not to interfere either way. How convenient, then, we have right the person to split that vote, right here..."

Shinji whined pitifully and rolled his eyes back. "I fucking hate democracy!"

"Does this mean you're abstaining?" Rin said sweetly as she toyed with a knife.

* * *

"Hey, Chachamaru," Asuna casually greeted, walking up to the tree.

"How are you doing, Asuna-san?" Chachamaru politely asked, fully covered with adorable birds, squirrels and chipmunks all rubbing themselves against her. Most of them in a purely affectionate and innocent way, although… "I apologize over not bowing to you as usual, but it seems my mobility is impaired at the time being."

Asuna clucked her tongue, grasping the hilt of the dagger imbedded through the gynoid's head. "How many times do I have to tell you, you don't have to bow to me. We're equals," she reminded her, easily pulling the light but sharp weapon out of Chachamaru and curiously weighing it in her hand. It was surprisingly lighter than she'd expected, although still weighed far more than the crab girl from Ohtori. "Huh. And you couldn't take this thing off on your own?"

"Thank you so very much. It would seem it is under some sort of powerful wizardry," Chachamaru observed, making sure to bow for Asuna as deeply as she could, making the orange haired girl to groan. "I assume that was why they called you specifically. Tell me, please, is everybody safe and sound?"

"It seems a few people suffered some nasty bruises and stuff, but that's why Konoka came along too," Asuna shrugged, taking a thumb to the rather nasty opening in the middle of Chacha's face. "Hey, you sure you're okay with this? Can you see and think right? Wow, I can see straight through your head. I think we might have to make you an honorary Baka Ranger for that. You can be Baka Silver or something."

"No need for concern," the green haired girl said. "None of my rational thought processors were damaged, and the loss of sensory capacities was minimal. I'll be okay after a short tune-up from Mother. Who else came with you?"

"Only Negi, Konoka and Setsuna-san. It took a bit of convincing to get Chisame stay home, but Negi wanted to 'risk' as few of us as possible. You know him! As for Hakase, she was asleep, and Chisame chose not to wake her up yet."

"Good thinking," Karakuri nodded, well aware of how unruly and reckless her mother could get when she felt her prized achievement was threatened. Thank the Creator Mother didn't believe in she was such a heavy sleeper. After the pause, Chachamaru asked, looking at the smoking wreckage of the distant planetary, "Please do tell, did we win or lose the battle?"

"I'm still not sure this is our battle in any way…" Asuna pondered, "But I'd say the good guys won, more or less. That Sempai was rescued and looks like the guy who kidnapped her lost his Servant. I heard the one who attacked you got away with her Master, though."

"Was the beautiful winged horse hurt?" a concerned Chachamaru asked.

Asuna blinked. "What beautiful winged horse? Are you being serious?"

* * *

"Now," Konoka said, "let's see what do we have to work with her— _OH MY GOD!_ ," she cringed back after Setsuna pulled the last layer of metal off Sagara's torso, revealed a chest, shoulders, upper arms, abdomen, neck and face all covered on nasty, deep bruises, wounds and burns. Konoka had never seen anything like that before. She quickly reached for Setsuna's hand and tightly squeezed it.

Setsuna quietly squeezed back, and began whispering something for her dear Ojou, but Sagara spoke first, rather more steadily than they'd expected him to. "I'm... still operational and mobile. I only need to be taken to my apartment. Once there I'll communicate with acquaintances of mine who can provide the proper medical attendance as soon as you leave—"

"Leave you alone?!" Konoka gasped. "No way!" She gently pushed the boy, who had been struggling to sit up, back against the tree's trunk, while Setsuna helped him pull his lower arms and hands, just as damaged as the rest of him, out of the Bonta suit's sleeves. "Goodness, Sempai, you were cooked alive in this thing!"

"The suit was the only thing keeping me alive through the procedure. It is a valuable tool in urban warfare, despite the—" Then, while Setsuna tried to take the shreds of his white shirt off him so Konoka could have a better access to his upper body, he stopped her with a gesture when she tried tossing aside the thick pen in his breast pocket. "Please don't lose that, it is... a gift I'm not supposed to lose track of."

Setsuna looked at the slightly strange and bulky writing instrument in her hand, but only regarded it for a moment before quietly setting it aside. She wasn't sure it still could work after being exposed to so much heat and such a huge drop, but she knew this wasn't the time to discuss that either. "Ojou-sama?" she asked. "Are you sure... you can do this?"

Konoka forced herself to smile, nibbling on her own tongue, while taking a long breath in and readying her Artifact. "Of course I can, Setchan. Now relax and close your eyes, Sempai, I'll-heal-yoooouuuuuuuu."

For some reason, as he almost felt an unnatural, unexplained intense aura flowing around that perfectly average looking person, Sagara Sousuke, veteran of dozens of battle fields who had looked into death's eyes hundreds of times without blinking, felt moderately intimidated.

Not too far from them, Negi sighed as he took notes of the situation on the tablet Chisame had given him recently. Rin and Sakura only kept staring in perplexed confusion at the strange device. "Okay," the boy teacher tiredly said, "and then... you simply let Matou-san go away, after handing the Command Seals to you? I mean, I'm glad you didn't go for a... more permanent solution to that, but—"

"Blame Emiya-kun for that," Rin said. "I wanted to cut the bitch and kick his ass so hard shit came out of his nose."

"Deciding not to kill someone is not a 'blame' to be assigned!" Negi scolded, while Shirou nodded his agreement firmly in the background. "Anyway, I understand mindwiping him would be useless, since his family is one of Magi, but you should at least have waited for us before reaching a decision on the subject."

"With all due respect, Sensei, I remind you again this is a matter to be settled between Masters and Servants, and you are neither," Rin said.

Negi sighed. "And yet, we are useful to clear the consequences of your War away, of course." Before Rin could answer to that, he looked at Sakura and asked, "Tohsaka-san, how did that work anyway? I had been led to believe your family, somehow, had missed the genetic trait allowing two Masters in a single generation inherited from the Edefelts."

Sakura shrugged while absently rubbing the hand with her fresh seals on it. Monster hung in spirit form around her, all the better to regain energy and health. "That's a popular misconception. The Edelfelts possesses the ability to have to inheritors of the family thaumaturgical crest, not Masters. As to the other, I have no idea myself, but I never doubted it could be done. I suppose we can chalk it up on the power of believing in yourself!"

"I suppose we can chalk it up on the rumors of Great-Uncle fooling around with Great-Aunt and Great-Aunt being true after all," Rin snarkily countered. "And all Magi know you can transfer Command Seals around. What do you think we do with unused seals after a War?"

"Well," Sakura argued, "that's still the power of believing in yourself, right? It takes a very self-confident man to engage in a three-way with his sister and her wife." She said this with a bright smile and a rather predatory look in her eye as she glanced at Shiro and Negi before returning her gaze to Rin.

Negi blinked, then asked Shirou and Vigilante, "What are they trying to say?"

"He'll tell you when you're older," Vigilante said, pointing at Emiya.

"Eh!" Shirou gasped. "Why me?!"

"Well," the duck said, "I'll be long gone by then, won't I? Thank God..."

* * *

Matou Shinji staggered into his apartment, swearing under his breath and occasionally producing little whiny bitch sobs as he slammed the door closed behind him. It bounced on its frame and hit him in the ass, causing him to furiously turn around and do it again, hitting himself in the face as it bounced. He finally managed to get it to close properly on the fifth try.

In a single clean sweep, he'd lost everything. His Servant, his allies, his base of operations, his slaves. The Tohsakas and the Magus Killer's son had made a fool out of him and he'd gained nothing in return. Now, assuming he survived long enough to get out of Mahora, he'd have to return in shame and humiliated, yet another entry in the long list of failures of the Matou legacy.

That wasn't the worst part of it all, however. The worst part was Uncle wouldn't even be mad about his defeat. He'd only be mad about him threatening the Tohsakas.

He now regretted not trying to fuck Monster when he had the chance. At the very least, her mouth would have done.

"Fuckin'… bitches…" he gasped, realizing there was somebody else in his living room. It was a beautiful, dark skinned young woman, perhaps a bit younger than him, with exotic features that included short, wavy at the tips, purple hair and a red dot at the middle of her forehead. One of those things Indian women had, Shinji couldn't remember the name right now, his mind still ached too much and everything felt in a slight misty haze.

She wore an elegant, long, casual red dress with matching high heeled shoes and smiled sweetly at him, eyes low-lidded behind her large, round glasses. Sitting on her lap, since she sat at the head of Shinji's own table, a strange, freaky little animal who looked like a baby monkey with mouse ears munched noisily on a rice cracker.

"Welcome home, Matou-san," she gently told him. "I hope you don't mind the intrusion. To make up for it, Archer prepared dinner for you."

"Ar… cher…" Matou gasped aloud, his forehead producing a sudden stream of sweat while a tall, broad shouldered, tanned man in red and black, wearing a cute _Piyo-Piyo_ apron over his clothes, walked out of his kitchen as if on cue, carrying a large tray in each hand. Shinji felt a suicidal urge to point and laugh like an American cartoon bully, but it was short lived. The Servant's hair was short and white as snow, and his expression stern and sharp. His cold eyes focusing on Shinji with fierce, hostile determination. Shinji felt his knees wobbling under him, and his eyes almost watering.

He'd been expecting a quick betrayal from Ikari and Rider as soon as he stopped being useful to them, but he'd made sure to place seals and wards all around his place as to prevent them from ever entering his temporary home without his say-so (Rider had found it all 'cute'. Also 'hilarious'). Same thing for any Magi who noticed the arrival of a Matou in Mahora and decided to strike preemptively (Konoemon had found that 'adorable'. Also 'precocious'). Even so, he'd only returned to gather a few absolutely necessary things before bolting over to the church for sanctuary (Kirei would likely have found that 'smirkable'. Also, since Father Garterbelt was around, 'buttfuck bait'). This event that was happening to him right now was something he had honestly (read: with great arrogant delusion) hoped (read: stupidly expected) would never come to pass.

"Please sit down, Matou-san," the man said, his voice imposing and quietly threatening, as he gently placed the trays on the table. "I really don't like it when the food gets cold. I hope you like... seafood."

"I… I think I'm sick in my stomach right now…" Shinji confessed, before Archer simply reached over, grabbed him by his shirt, and roughly shoved him down on one of the chairs facing his Master's.

* * *

Now they sat on a rooftop, one belonging to one of the Naba Corporation's tallest Mahora skyscrapers, from where they could get a clear view of most of the still asleep city. Soon it would dawn, but right now, it was the proverbial darkest before the rising sun.

They sat on the edge, the boy letting a leg hang while hugging the other against his body, his chin resting on the knee. His eyes sad and distant once again. Even though Rider couldn't see them through her blindfold, she still could feel their melancholy.

"I'm sorry," she finally said, "I couldn't kill Saber."

"That's okay," Shinji quietly said. "Maybe it's best that way. God, we haven't even started killing yet, and I'm already so sick of it. Aren't you, Rider?"

She only nodded, unwilling to point out she had done far too much killing in her past.

"Now what?" she asked once it was evident her Master wouldn't talk again until she prodded him to. "Do you want to claim revenge on Matou?"

He shook his head. "Even if he's still alive, what's the point? One way or another, he must've lost his Servant. Let's... just forget about him, that's all he deserves. I'm more concerned about us. He was right on something, going back home won't help any. They'll still find and hunt us, to the ends of the world. And I may dislike Uncle, but I don't want to endanger him any more than strictly needed."

"I'm afraid I don't have a clear answer, Master," Rider shared. "The best we can hope for is all three Servants back there died, and—"

Shinji ran a hand down his face. "Please don't say that. It... It sickens me, knowing we should wish for others' deaths like that."

"I apologize."

"D-Don't! I mean, I'm the one who should feel sorry, I'm a terrible Master, I dragged you into this on a whim, and now I'm criticizing you for being... well, what you have to be. Maybe you should look for another Master, one who is stronger and—"

She shook her head. "I don't wish for another Master. I'll gladly accept Fate's decree, Master. I'd still hope for victory, but even if defeat awaits me, I'd rather partake on it along you."

He sniffled, rubbing his nose with a fist. "Rider..."

"However," Rider said, very seriously, "now we can't count on Matou's hospitality anymore, we are going to need a place for you to stay until the outcome of this war, whatever it might be."

"That's right," the boy gloomily said, before reluctantly added, "I think an employee of my father's lives in this city. I'm not sure exactly what's she supposed to do, but I believe she officially handles his Mahora Wing of Research while he and Mother are overseas. It, it might work, going to her and asking her for a room, at least for a week or so. She's bound to ask about my current school status, but that can't be helped..."

He pulled a photo out of his traveling bag and looked at it with an apathetic frown. Before Rider, he'd fondly look at it, and at the generous cleavage of the depicted woman, supporting himself on it during many a lonely cold night under the futon covers. But after Rider, that just didn't compare anymore. He'd only brought the picture out of habit, but he'd never expect he'd have to resort to the address drunkenly scrawled under the image of the smiling dark haired woman leaning ahead and winking an eye while wearing a tight yellow top and Daisy Dukes.

 _Shin-chan: if you ever come to Mahora, call me and drop by!_

"I think," he mused aloud, trying to remember the details of their sole encounter three years ago or so, when she'd handed him that memento, "her name's Katsuragi. I just hope she hasn't moved away..."

* * *

"I see. Thank you very much, Matou-san, you've been very helpful," Himemiya Anthy gave a sincere, beatific (TM) smile after he was done with his stammering, reduced to a pitiful wreck who sat with slumped shoulders and intermittent sobs. "However, I must ask one more thing."

"Please... no more," Shinji begged, bringing his trembling hands together, Archer's shadow still looming over him from behind. It wasn't that the man had touched Shinji yet, or even spoken to him since Shinji had started his uneasy explanation on the reasons behind his current situation, but somehow that made it all even worse. It was that feeling of long-restrained dread, the implication that he was stopping himself only to have even more to unleash upon Shinji at the end of it all.

That terrified Shinji. Never before had he been so scared of anything or anyone! Well, except that time he nearly fell in the 'Happiness Worm' pit. He sometimes still felt the need to wear a cup over his butt when he slept.

"It's just a simple question, Matou-san," Anthy gently said, blinking as she daintily put her cup of tea down. "Why have you barely touched your meal? Aren't you feeling well? It'd be a shame, letting it go to waste after Archer put so much effort into it..."

"Please, have mercy, just let me go!" Shinji cried, bashing his intertwined hands on the table desperately. "I told you everything, I'm no threat to you anymore! It's the Tohsakas you should be aiming for now, if, if you want I can take you to them, I—!"

"Why would we need you for that?" the Servant asked, with that deep, dangerous voice of his that almost made Shinji wet his pants. "All this time, we've known where they live. We could find you in less than two nights after your arrival, why shouldn't we know where to find two people who have lived here for years? They're in the phone book, for crying out loud."

"Then, then why didn't you go to, to—" Shinji blabbered as Archer sighed irritably, reached past him, and grabbed the mostly untouched plate set before the boy.

"Never mind, I'll just wrap it so you can take it to the church. Maybe you'll have a better appetite while there," the white haired man grumbled, pulling the plate back from the stunned Shinji. And then he looked at his Master. "Unless there's been another change of plans? Please say there has."

While Shinji gulped loudly, Anthy shook her head, petting Chu-Chu almost absently. "I'm afraid not, Archer. That's something my husband wouldn't like at all. You can go now, Matou-san. But please be quick, before we change our mind. These days, it's getting harder to remember how my husband would have acted in any given situation. Must be the distance from Ohtori."

"Ah, ah?" Shinji gasped, not understanding at all.

Archer grabbed him by the collar and easily pulled him up from his chair. "Do you need it spelled out? Hurry for your sanctuary while you still can. And once there... well, you'd better not peek out again for a month or so. If you're still alive by then."

"But, but this is my house! I mean, it's rented, but all the same, I have stuff here, so many—!"

Archer all but flung him towards the room's door. Then he seemingly pulled a short blade from each sleeve, one mostly white, the other mostly black, holding them up for effect. "Matou-san, a good man learns to how live with few belongings. These are mine. Get the hint already."

Shinji's voice reached a new pitch, and then he bolted out, running away for his dear life.

Anthy gave her Servant a quiet and bland but also mildly disapproving glare. "You lied to him. Those are far from being your only belongings."

He smiled while sheathing the short swords back. "I also lied when I implied I was a good man."

"So, what will we do now?" she mused aloud, far too casual for Archer's full comfort. "Are you, at last, feeling like paying Tohsaka-san a social visit? I believe you owe her that much."

Archer looked aside, through the window, and at the quickly retreating boy below who madly raced across the campus, towards the distant church, surrounded by the darkness before dawn. For some reason he already had a pack of dogs chasing him. Wow, he was fast.

"I suppose," the tall man finally said, somber and reluctant but just as firm as ever, "I can't stall forever."

No matter how much he wanted to.

* * *

 **Epilogue**.

Sagara Sousuke woke up with a start. That was the first thing that clued him in.

The next thing was he had no memory of what had transpired during the last evening, and how he got into bed that night. Normally, the subjects (some would call them victims) of magical mindwipe would instinctively react to such holes in their memories with a conditioned acceptance and rationalization, most often blamed on exhaustion or use of certain substances ranging from excessive sugar or hard drugs to excessive masturbating or accidental exposure to the text of Twilight, but Sagara's mind didn't work like the rest of our minds do. Some people who knew him sometimes wondered if it worked at all.

Not remembering doing his nocturnal rounds around the apartment of Tokiwa Kyoko and Chidori Kaname, he instantly went over to check on the records of the hidden surveillance cameras he had planted in their living quarters and surrounding them, and he actually breathed easier when he realized nothing had happened to Tokiwa during his unexplained absence. Or even to Chidori-san, even if he didn't truly realize that had grown into an actual secondary concern for him over the months of his stay at Mahora. After all, it wasn't like he liked her or anything, it was merely the mission! Hmph!

Sargeant Major Mao would grind him alive over this lapse in his mission, and he couldn't fault her. Still, that was no concern for the time being. What mattered the most right now was determining the cause behind said lapse, as to avoid a repeat of it.

Walking away from his surveillance screens just as Kyoko and Chidori entered the shower together, which further proved he was not like most other boys, he examined his belongings, took a hold of his thick special pen, frowned at it thoughtfully, and snapped it open, revealing the small pendrive unit hidden within it. He marched over to his computer, connected the unit it, and began listening to the audio records of the last twelve hours.

As he listened on, he began nodding quietly, his expression never changing at all. He never gave any impression of surprise or confusion, even when he barely understood what he was hearing, and could gather little but deducing that Matou Shinji needed to be swiftly dealt with, and he would have to perform further research on the Tohsaka family, one Emiya Shirou, and probably Female Junior High Class 3-A. Tatsumiya Mana's class. Perhaps there was some truth about all the absurd rumors on the subject Kyoko would ocassionally relate, after all.

"I see..." the boy soldier mused to himself, while the dawn's earliest lights came over Mahora.

The war never ceased. This was just another battlefield.

* * *

 **Next: Magical Ruby**.

* * *

 **TAIGA DOJOOOOOO!**

"Who are you?" Taiga asked, squinting at the young blonde girl in the sports uniform.

Once again, she awkwardly pulled her white shirt down to try and cover as much of her bloomers as possible before saying, "Um, I'm Alice, pleased to meet you..."

"You're Nursery Rhyme?" Taiga said in a suspicious tone. "You don't look like Nursery Rhyme to me, and I know my lore! She said she'd be sticking to a single human form to honor her Master, and you aren't that form, and you aren't that Master either!"

"I don't know what you are talking about, Ma'am," Alice said. "I'm Professor Negi's fiancee..."

"Another one?! W-Wait, what happened to his cousin?"

Alice nodded sadly. "Indeed, it is a burden, to know my husband-to-be is beset with so many other women after his hand in marriage. But since he took my first kiss away, I cannot return home until he has restored my honor..."

Taiga groaned, rubbing a hand in circles over her forehead. "That boy, honestly... Wait, what happened to Mikan-chan? She was supposed to be my student and assistant after Negi-sensei bolted out on me!"

"Oh, the girl with the pineapple-like hairstyle? Mister Yuuki told me she wouldn't be coming anymore, and Miss Haruna then asked me to take her place. Seeing this is a chance to reaffirm my existence in this universe while my own story is on hiatus, and how the alternative was dragging my fiance here dressed in women's clothing, I had to accept..."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," Taiga confessed, "but one willing student is better than a reluctant one, so I'll consider it a trade up for the best. Well, just look at that, clearing up that misunderstanding already ate all our screentime for this week! We'll have to do today's session in the next chapter! See you then, everybody!"

"Um... Professor? What are we supposed to do here exactly?"

"Oh, that's easy. We're here to instruct everyone on what to do or not to do through this story. We help them avoid Bad Ends, we hand them useful tips and juicy bits of extra information, sometimes we'll inform them of the backstage happenings behind the creative process. That sort of thing."

"I see... That sounds useful indeed. Maybe if we had an added attraction like that, then my fanfiction wouldn't have died out like it did... or maybe it's just I brought it misfortune... I only hope that's not the case here, too..."

Taiga blinked, then gave the screen a wide-eyed, concern look. "There'll be a next chapter of this, right? This time you'll be taking us the whole way to the end, right? This won't be a—"

* * *

 **BAD END**.

* * *

"DAMMIT! Don't even joke about that, you lazy, aimless hack of a writer!" the Tiger of Mahora roared.


	6. Saint Valentine Special

_Mahou Sensei Negima!_ is not so lovingly crafted and owned, judging by what they have made of it, by Akamatsu Ken and Kodansha.

The _Fate_ franchise is in a marriage of mutual convenience with Nasu Kinoko and Type-Moon.

All other characters and franchises mentioned herein are the intellectual property of their respective copyright owners. Like, duh.

And this is...

* * *

 **Fate: Unequally Blade Works Saint Valentine Special.**

* * *

 **Dated: February the 13th, 2019.**

* * *

 **Tales from Artoria's Harem.**

* * *

"I feared this would happen," Evangeline Mc Dowell said, as they gathered around Saber's bed. The tiny, long haired and green eyed blonde in the skimpy black dress looked down at the bedridden blonde who was not that much taller and had half closed green eyes of a gentler nature, and diagnosed, "She's running out of prana already."

"But, but how?!" Emiya Shirou protested. "She hasn't even fought that much yet!"

"Just staying alive in this world takes a lot of prana strain from Servants, Boya," Eva lectured the tall, short haired redhead, while Negi blinked in the background at the usage of this appellation for anyone else. "The World detects Heroic Spirits as anomalies out of their time that must be deleted, and thus will try to deplete their energy reserves far more quickly than your natural aging process would to you. Were you a proper magus like Tohsaka, you could supply her with a simple ritual requiring just the barest physical contact to transmit prana, but as you are not…" she shrugged.

"There must be another way!" Negi Springfield snapped back from his pondering on whether he wasn't that special to Master anymore or not, focusing on the most important matter at hand. "Kuro-san's sister could support a Saber of his own long past their Holy Grail War…"

"There are a few," Evangeline confirmed with a nod. "Saber could, for starters, devour the souls of human beings to sustain herself. I estimate, at her current output of magical energy for fighting purposes, Kakizaki, Saotome, Kagurazaka, Yuuki and Morisato should suffice to keep her alive for another month…"

 ** _"Why us?!"_** Yuuki Rito and Kakizaki Misa cried out.

 _"Why not me?!"_ the scrawny, pale, elegantly bishounen Itoshiki Nozomu complained in turn.

"I will never do… such a thing!" Saber clenched her teeth, struggling to sit up with Shirou and Negi's help. "I'd rather die than becoming a monster feeding on others… No offense intended, of course," she eventually added, glancing at the loli vampire.

Eva shrugged that off. "Your choice. Don't worry, I'm proud of my nature. There is a second way, that is, that of transmitting prana through a much closer link, that of the flesh, between Master and Servant. Your ineptitude as a magus would normally make even that surefire procedure somewhat less efficient than usual, Emiya, but that is compensated by your Pactio bond with Saber, so it should work okay…"

Everyone else in the room, but Negi and Lala, flushed to the ears, although in Saotome Haruna's case it also came with a wide, creepy smile working its way high up her cheeks. Negi cocked his head aside. "When you say a link of the flesh, do you mean feeding Saber-san with some meat cut off Emiya-san's body? That is simply barbaric, but I suppose, if only a finger or toe, or even a few, is needed, it's a small price to pay for the life of a—"

"I believe he means sex, Negi," the buxom, pink haired Lala Satalin Deviluke plainly told him.

The shorted red haired blinked and now blushed as well, now even brighter than all the others. "Ahhhh… Then, then I'm afraid that's far out of my field of expertise, sorry…!"

"There is a third way I know of," Eva grinned, having enjoyed enough out of everyone's shock, and violent saliva choking in the cases of Saber, Shirou and Rito (for some reason, even though it didn't concern him.) "Kuro's way. Mouth to mouth kissing can be used to recharge one's prana, as long as one is magically apt, as we all present are. Prana can be delivered through saliva in lesser amounts than those present in sexual fluids, but as you could see, it was enough to provide that little rapscallion with sufficient fighting energy."

"Okay… That, I can do," Shirou gulped nervously, while Saber nodded. "I, I mean, we've kissed before already, so—"

"One thing to ponder, however," Eva raised a pointer finger. "Kuro is not a Servant, this is not Grand Order after all, she is a living manifestation of a potential Holy Grail, meaning she can absorb and process mana far more efficiently than a Servant, who is just an offshoot from the Throne of Heroes channeled through a Grail, could. And Servants, especially peak performance Sabers as this one, demand much bigger levels of power than most Magical Girls. While Kuro could recharge herself fully from kissing a single major mana source like her sister or the other world's Kagurazaka, I don't think the same thing could be said about Saber."

"Then, you are saying…" Hakase Satomi asked her, before perky pinky Sasaki Makie could pipe in and derail the conversation with a misunderstanding, "is that Saber-san would require being supported with prana by others in addition to Emiya-sempai, in layman terminology?"

"That would be it," Skuld grumbled, supporting her back against a wall and folding her arms. "I could recharge her fully by just hacking her Spirit Graph into the Yggdrasil Mainframe and supplying her with just a minimum of the system's output, but since coming to Earth I've lost that kind of server administration rights."

"In other words," Yukihiro Ayaka said, paling, "Saber-sama would need being kissed by others of us, besides Emiya-sempai?"

Skuld and Evangeline nodded.

"I'm in! I'm in!" Haruna eagerly offered herself, waving an arm up.

"Haruna-chan…" an embarrassed Rito groaned.

"No," Saber firmly said. "I won't impose myself upon others! Preying on the innocence of youngsters just for my own purposes, that is something I won't stoop myself to either—Unnhhh," she winced, slumping back down on the bed, now visibly paler from the effort of the vigorous protest.

"Saber!" Shirou gasped, holding her hand.

Evangeline rolled her eyes back. "Please, woman. Other than Chachamaru and the ermine, there's nobody in this room who hasn't kissed anyone else yet, and most of those kisses were with the ten years old Boya here. Innocent, my cute firm butt…"

"Your Vampire Lordship, I'll politely let you know I'm a prestigious ladies' men among the ermine fairy folk!" Chamo vehemently lied, perched on Negi's right shoulder. Nobody believed him, not even Negi.

"Saber…" Shirou bit on his lower lip, tightening his grip on the Servant's hand.

The proud King sighed softly. "Very well. I should not take decisions for others anymore, that never ended up well in my time. Every last one of you is free to choose by yourselves, whether you feel comfortable with this or not. Either way, I will not hold your choices against you."

"Saber…" Shirou repeated, now with a heavy sigh, before bending over, hesitating as he placed his face before Saber's fair features, and then glanced over at Eva. "Hey, we don't need a Pactio circle or anything for this, do we?"

"You only have to kiss her!" the vampire growled, annoyed. "But make sure the intensity is Pactio quality-type! With tongue!"

"With tongue?!" Shirou cried.

"With tongue!" Eva confirmed.

Shirou swallowed, visibly pale, and nodded his head bathed on sweat before leaning back towards Saber, who was now closing her eyes and gently pouting her small lips forward. Breathing deeply, he pushed himself ahead and made contact, his lips clasping around Saber's, as she put a hand on the back of his head and kept it in place.

"Uwa uwa uwaaaa!" Chamo chuckled, furry white cheeks puffing up in pink flush.

"You're making sure it's with tongue, aren't you, Sempai?" Akashi Yuuna curiously asked, circling around the bed to get a better looking angle while Makie, Konoka and Misa took pictures with their cellphones, and Haruna feverishly sketched the scene on her always handy notebook.

"She is," Eva observed, looking at the way Shirou's eyes bulged like a certain perverse Caster's. "I suppose we shouldn't be shocked, she was a married man with a son after all…"

Finally, and by the time the faces of Shirou, Rito, Nodoka, Kotaro, Ayaka , Negi, Ai, Sora, Keiichi and Chisame looked like they couldn't get any redder, Saber let go of Shirou, who pulled back with a long gasp for air, his knees wobbling under him. "I feel marginally better now, thank you very much, Shirou," she told her Master with a very beautiful smile. "Now, if there is anyone else who would—"

"My turn," Eva casually said, moving towards her. "Not that I like you or anything, it's just for the sake of novelty. I've never kissed King Arthur before, after all." She grinned, placed a hand at the back of Saber's head, and saucily promised, "This is going to rock your Round Table off," right before passionately mashing her lips against Saber's, in a way that even Kuro would have found scandalous.

Rito and Keiichi took hands to their noses, which now were exploding into fountains of blood. Skuld and Chisame turned their heads away, visibly stunned, while Negi only paled and his eyes grew very tiny. Chamo and Haruna were drooling copiously, and Nodoka found herself oddly lamenting Yue had to be in library turn at the time. Setsuna, Sora and Ai let out a whine of surprise and embarrassment, hiding their eyes behind their hands, and Chachamaru might have frowned ever so slightly, or something vaguely resembling it. Shirou, for some reason, couldn't stop staring on, folding his legs together awkwardly.

Saber was dazed when the vampire finally pulled from their kiss, and the mighty sovereign blinked as if disoriented. "Was that… Was that it all…?" she babbled. "Somehow, somehow, I feel like I'm back at—"

"Not enough yet," Evangeline purred, lazily licking their joined saliva off her own lips. "Next!"

Haruna was going to skip ahead, but much to her surprise, a wide eyed Misa pushed her aside, staring intently at Saber. "Wait your turn, nerd," the long haired queen bee absently said. "Negi-kun, I want you to pay close attention. Pick me, and this is the kind of thing you'll be getting every night…"

 ** _"H-HEY!"_** Ayaka stammered, and so would have Chisame had she not been as transfixed as Negi himself. "What, what kind of depraved thing is that to offer, to someone as young and innocent as, as, as-!"

Misa was not paying her any attention, coming to a gentle halt before the mildly wary Saber, smiling gorgeously at her, and then fiercely lounging ahead to claim her lips with a voracious kiss, even biting on the older female's lower lip.

Negi blinked, actually starting to see some kind of point in Misa's insistent pretenses for a sentimental relationship with him…

"Oh wow," Haruna mouthed, turning the page and quickly doing another sketch as Misa and Saber kept on kissing, the blonde getting more into it now, returning the kiss adequately. Keiichi looked like he was torn between hyperventilating and short of pummeling his crotch down with both fists to hide his excitement at the wonderful sight. "That's some… wonderful technique, it reminds me of Auntie Shan Pu greeting Dad…!" she sniffled, moved to tears.

"Nee-san, shut up," Inugami Kotaro growled out a corner of his mouth, regardless not taking his eyes off the two kissing beauties.

At some point of this he felt Nodoka glancing at him, and then he turned his eyes away in shame, but after some confusion, she giggled, moved closer, and held his hand. Kotaro looked like his head was going to blow up in steam, but thankfully for him, right when he thought he couldn't take this combined onslaught anymore, Misa pulled off Saber, who let go with a hearty sigh. The cheerleader was pretty flustered herself now, as if blinking back from a dream, and nervously glancing back at Negi, who much to her relief was not looking at her with hatred or disappointment but a faraway, fascinated confusion.

Eva sighed. "Saotome, I doubt anyone else will be moving in before you do, so I suppose…"

"A-Actually!" Nodoka raised her voice timidly. "If Paru's okay with it, K-Kotaro-kun and I w-would like to help Saber-san first!"

 ** _"BWEEEEEHHH?!"_** Kotaro said.

Everyone else, Lala and Eva included for once, simply stared at Nodoka in hugely disbelieving, rattled shock and utter bafflement.

 _"I, I d-don't think I can do this without you… and if I k-keep on looking I'll just faint…"_ Nodoka confided to her Magister with a whisper, leaning aside against him.

 _"Then, then don't do it and l-let's leave!"_ Kotaro whispered back between heavily chattering sharp teeth.

 _"I never could let a good friend, even a new one, die,"_ Nodoka decided, shakily moving ahead, past a silently tearful and proud Haruna, who gushed adoringly at her. Nodoka glanced back at her. _"Paru, you'll back me up when I tell Yue-Yue I'm sorry, right…?"_

Paru nodded like a broken Jack-in-the-Box. _"O-Of course, but she'll still be mad your first girl kiss wasn't with her…"_

Nodoka gave her a tiny blushing smirk. _"What makes you think it wasn't?"_

Haruna almost rocketed up through the ceiling, much to Rito's discomfort and Lala's curiosity. _"You little devil…! I'd be so homicidally mad at you for never telling me if only I wasn't so damn proud…!"_ she said, tearing up.

Saber fidgeted in place, noticeably unsure again. "Um, these matters of the heart you are discussing so… discreetly right now, if I'm going to disrupt into any pre-established relationship, I really don't want this, these affairs always end up in- Ooommfff!" she said as Haruna shoved a jubilant Nodoka and Kotaro down on her, so they fell on her mouth, the three sharing a tangled, confusing three-way kiss.

"This is so, so, so, so, so motherfucking wrong," Sora said very quietly, her choice of unusual words stressing her feelings much better than her extreme paleness at the time and the way her glasses were slipping down her face could.

"Maybe. But I still want some of that next," Yuuna decided, licking her lips up absently as she stood in line behind Nodoka and Kotaro, who were wriggling together quite interestingly as Saber kissed them both at once, taking control of the situation with her superior experience, although granted, both of her prior partners before this had been fairly older than these.

"Hey, no, it was my turn!" Haruna protested, even as she kept on working with delirious delight to portray the sublime scene before her eyes properly. "It still is!"

"No, first is me, then it is Makie, then it is you, then Negi-kun," Yuuna firmly told her.

Makie nodded sagely. "Sounds about right to me."

 _"W-Why me?!"_ Negi cried out.

 _"Why him?!"_ Misora, Ayaka and Chisame joined him.

Yuuna gave Negi a pointed glare. "Whatever happened to the teacher who would do anything no matter the price for the wellbeing of his students, I wonder?"

"But, but what if Saber-san is all fully charged by now?" Negi gulped. "You are, aren't you, Saber-san?"

"I… I believe I could use some more prana, actually," Saber said dazedly, gently pushing an even more stunted and wobbling Kotaro and Nodoka off her, and blushing adorably. "I, I mean, Lancer is such a powerful opponent, and I haven't even fought Archer yet, and then there's Berserker…"

"Oh my God," Chisame said, horrified. "We have corrupted her much worse than any tainted Grail could…"

Artoria and Yuuna already were kissing passionately. Makie was coquettishly applying some glittery pink lipstick on herself.

Kotaro still was blinking stupidly, weirdly feeling like he was the luckiest boy in the world right now, and to be fair he most likely was. He still kept enough Kotaroness, though, to grin insolently at Negi and challenge him through his stupor, "I beat you…"

Negi's temper flared. "What do you mean you beat me?! Chisame! He's not beating me at anything, is he?!"

"Why are you even asking me?!" Chisame squealed loudly.

"I hope you mean there's nothing to beat you on about that, not that you're going to beat him at it with Chisame-sama right now, Negi-sama…" Tsunetsuki Matoi warned with eerie calm, while Yuuna gave way to Makie and Makie threw herself for Saber's lips, in a way that was as clumsy and messy as effective.

Haruna grinned insanely at Matoi and pointed, pulling Lala and Rito along with herself. "Of course you won't, because we're going to beat THEM and YOU first! Your Negisame Kiss will be trumped by our Lalarunaito Kiss before yours even can come to pass!"

"I, I don't think that's even physically feasible to begin with…!" Rito wailed, trying to break free.

Lala laughed. "Ah ha ha ha, we always can try…!"

Matoi fumed at Haruna, in turn pulling Chisame and Negi against herself. " _Negisame?!_ You wench! The power of our ** _Negitoisame Love_** is unbeatable, as you shall see…!"

Artoria sighed pleasantly, wrapping her arms around Haruna, Lala and Rito, and welcoming them into a most close contact with herself. Back in ye old days, she had always enjoyed having knights with lances charge at her, one right after another. This, as it was turning out, was not much different, just less painful.

Standing behind Negi, Chisame and Matoi, gently holding a petrified Skuld by a hand and ignoring Ayaka's screams as Asuna held her from behind and Setsuna was pulled behind them in turn by a giggling Konoka, Keiichi sympathetically told Shirou, "You know some of us will be teasing you about NTR forever after this, don't you…?"

Shirou shrugged with a resigned sigh. "It's okay if there's fair turnaround, don't you think? I'm sure Sakura and Fran-san might help with that. Not Tohsaka, though, she'd surely just kill me…"

* * *

 **Epilogue:**

Chamo did not get a kiss.

* * *

 _ **Happy Valentines!**_


End file.
